Season 4 Episode 6 - Unexpected
by fanningon
Summary: This is the fifth episode of an 8 episode MMFD fanfic. This is a continuation of my season 4 fanfic - please read episode 5 first! If you can, read it with the suggested music cheers m'dears xo


_'Breed' by Nirvana_

Rae had always hoped that she would forget the way Saul felt pressed against her back.

She had always hoped that she would forget the way he smelled… The way his voice sounded.

But she never would.

She knew now that no matter how long she lived, she would remember him.

And as she heard that single word 'gotcha' creep lecherously from his lips to her ear every single thing that Rhys and Finn and Tom, and even Chop had said to her about fighting suddenly returned to her. Because she remembered Saul so perfectly…

She slammed her heel down on to his foot, and when he grunted in surprise pain and his arms loosened around her, she twisted herself violently. And with the twisting motion, she bought her elbow up viciously, slamming it into his jaw. His head rocked sideways and Rae freed herself from his grasp. She turned around to him, bent double, swearing and muttering, and raised her foot in a long fluid arc, connecting with his chin. The kick sent him reeling backwards on his arse and Rae stood back triumphantly, looking down at him with disgust as he lay flat on his back.

"The fuck you doing?"

"You're fucking asking me that?" Rae asked angrily, "You just fucking attacked me from behind!"

"I were just fuckin' messin' with you Rae!" He hollered indignantly.

"Bullshit Simmy," Rae's eyes flashed with real vitriol, "Finn told me what you said; that you was gonna come after me to fuck him up." Simmy scooted back and sat up slightly. She had known it wasn't Saul the minute she heard his voice. The fear had left her, and anger had taken over.

"That fucker ruined my fucking life!" Simmy spat the words angrily.

"No, you ruined your fucking life Simmy, by being a fucking homophobic cunt!" Simmy looked at Rae as if she had said something unprecedented.

"But Finn-"

"But Finn nothing!" Rae snarked. "Why do even hate Archie? Why does it even matter to you that he's gay?"

"It's not fucking natural. They fucking take it up the arse. It's fucking disgusting." Simmy said the words with a sneer and Rae had to resist the urge to kick him.

"Whether it's natural or no, what does it matter to you? It's not like someone being fucked in the arse makes any difference to your life." Rae was bewildered by Simmy's hate.

"What if he wants to… You know… Fuck me in the arse?" Rae stared at Simmy for a long while unable to even comprehend Simmy's train of thought.

"What makes you think any gay man wants to fuck you Simmy?" Rae shook her head.

"Why wouldn't they?" Rae was astounded that he asked this genuinely, as if he was some sort of gay magnet, "and I'm not into that."

"No one's asking you to be into it Simmy," Rae told him, "We just want you to not treat other people like dirt."

"I don't want some fag hitting on me." Simmy answered aggressively as he stood up.

"Jesus fucking christ." Rae rolled her eyes so hard she literally felt a pain in the side of her eye. "Why do you care if a gay man hits on you? Just fucking say no…" But even as she spoke, Rae realised what the true answer was. "It's cos you're so used to feeling like you're the top of the food chain, like you're the shark and women are the prey. And gay men are the new top of the food chain to you… You're actually afraid that you'll start getting treated the way you treat women." Rae looked at Simmy with disgust, "you're fucking pathetic." She turned and locked the car, her ears straining for any sound of movement from Simmy.

"Hey fuck you, you fat bitch!"

"Yeah, I'm a fat bitch, but I'm a fat bitch with friends. Which is a fuck load more than you've got." She barged past him, her shoulder slamming into his and headed back towards the studio, desperately trying not to rub her shoulder as it sang out in pain from the ill thought out shoulder barge. She heard nothing else from Simmy, no footsteps behind her, no angry words yelled out. Simmy obviously had nothing else to say to her, and Rae certainly had nothing else to say to him.

When Rae got back to the studio, Finn was just opening the door on his way to search for her, a panicked expression on his face.

"Where'd you get to?" His relief only half masked the obvious fear he felt.

"I just went to get a jacket." Rae shrugged, "were you coming to find me?" He nodded and Rae gave him a bemused grin, "what about your show Finn?"

"Oh I put some prog rock on, it's like fucking 15 minutes long, or some shite." He pulled her into the warmth of the studio and looked her up and down carefully, "are you sure you're alright girl?"

"I might have had a bit of a run in with Simmy…" There was a moment of silence while Finn couldn't quite understand what she had said, and then a kind of fury lit up his eyes.

"Did he touch you?" Finn's hand went to her face and gently stroked her skin.

"Well, I guess he tried to…" Rae answered reluctantly, "but he didn't get far, because I kicked the shit out of him." She grinned momentarily, and then her face fell, "well, maybe not the shit out of him, but I did hurt him." The anger in Finn's eyes settled slightly, and a small grin touched the corner of his mouth.

"I bet he was sorry he messed with you." Finn sounded positively delighted that Rae had handled Simmy with so much ease; there wasn't even a mark on her, other than looking slightly piqued, she appeared completely unaffected.

"I just wish I'd thought to tell him that everyone in the gang could kick his arse, cos I'd really like him to just fuck off, you know what I mean?"

"Aye, I do know what you mean." He put an arm around her shoulders and ushered her back towards the studio, "and I thought we agreed, that you were gonna try to not go off by yourself?"

"Aye, I know." Rae answered guiltily. But she pouted her bottom lip and Finn found himself grinning at her mischievousness. But he stopped himself, and put on a stern face.

"I mean it Rae, we both know that it's safer for you to not be alone as much as possible." He reasoned with her.

"And you have no arguments from me, Mr Earl." Rae answered, "I honestly just forget sometimes. Which in one regard is a good thing," she explained, "because it means that Saul didn't manage to completely traumatise me." Rae finished with an earnest face. "But, it's also a bad thing… Cos he's still a danger…" She conceded, and Finn kissed her temple gently.

"You're gonna have'ta tell me everything that happened with Simmy." Finn was in no mood to chastise her about going out alone when she had just been attacked, and in reality she should be able to go outside whenever she wanted without fear. He truly hated that Saul had curtailed her freedom so much. And besides, he was looking forward to hearing a story that involved Simmy getting his arse kicked.

Finn took her hand and guided her back into the studio, and in a not so subtle move, sat her down beside him, giving her an immutable look before putting his headphones on. Rae gave him a contrite look and didn't argue in the slightest, choosing to put her hand high on his thigh instead. Finn looks down at her hand, as it rose up his thigh and then checked how long was left on the track; only a minute.

"What're you doing girl?" He asked with a cheeky grin. Rae had started to unzip Finn's fly, and she slid from her chair, kneeling before him, as he leaned back in his chair with an appreciative grin. She'd become an expert at getting his cock out of his pants easily; sometimes she managed to get him out quicker than he could get himself out. Finn marvelled at not only the skill she had, but especially at the nerve; she was getting far more daring, and he liked it. He looked over his shoulder at the glass wall into the producers office and then back down at Rae as she took his semi–erect cock into her mouth. He groaned deeply as the blood rushed into his growing cock and darted his eyes back to the timer on the track. In just under 30 seconds, he'd have to go live to air to tell everyone the name of the track and the name of the next one, while Rae was sucking his dick with incredible skill and vigour… He'd manage; it wasn't the first time she'd made him do it.

_'Song 2' by Blur_

The party was already in full swing by the time Rae and Finn got there. Izzy had again made a rainbow of jelly totsies, but the lack of Tom and Archie had put a definite dampener on everyone's spirits, even though the party was meant to be for Chloe's birthday.

"What the fuck was that fucking prog rock shit?" Chop was not a fan of the genre and he sneered at Finn as if he had been betrayed by Finn playing a prog rock track on his show.

"You guys was listening?" Finn asked with a cheeky grin.

"Course we fucking were!" Chop answered huffily. "So why the fuck did I have to listen to 15 minutes of-"

"Simmy attacked Rae." Finn answered simply and all eyes turned to Rae. She shrugged and sat down while she picked up a jelly vodka shot.

"Yeah, well, he told us he was coming after us, what he didn't tell us is that he is shit at being the terrifying bad guy he wishes he was." Rae said with a cheeky grin, "it was far too easy to kick his arse." This was met with a general happiness that can only come from a group of friends that had suffered too many attacks from bad people. Rhys of course was instantly interested in how the fight had played out and Rae had to give him a blow by blow description, from the moment Simmy grabbed her to the moment she put him on the ground.

"Situational awareness." Rhys muttered to himself thinking of all the things he still had to train them, he added this to multiple attackers and how to take a punch, "And mental preparedness… freezing at the moment of attack could cost you your life."

"Aye, I do realise that." Rae answered, "Had it been Saul instead of Simmy, he'd have had me."

"Saul's a lot tougher too." Finn answered, "Neither of them are particularly good fighters, but Saul takes a lot more effort to put down than Simmy." Rae felt her stomach drop. She had felt happy that she beat Simmy, it had given her hope that she could defend herself against Saul.

"Noted." Rhys answered seriously.

"Fuck, Archie's gonna kill that fucker." Chop shook his head with a gleeful smile at that thought.

"Anyway." Rae tried to hide the nerves she now felt about Saul, "Are we celebrating Chloe's birthday or not?"

"But I'm worried about you babe." Chloe's brows were furrowed, "getting attacked from behind like Saul did…"

"Aye." Rae said tightly. "It were pretty shite." She held up a jelly totsie, "So let's not dwell on it, yeah?" She sucked down the jelly vodka and Chloe nodded her head slowly, acquiescing to her best friend's needs.

They settled into drinking; not too heavily; the news about Simmy had put everyone into a retrospective mood and when Izzy had proposed that the lads went to their usual room with the Foosball machine Chop had looked at her as if he thought Simmy would jump out from under the lounge and attack her.

Nonetheless, the boys traipsed through to the Foosball table and the girls gathered onto the couch happily, ready to get down to the nitty gritty. It was time for their weekly sex talk; always on a weekend, because this was not a talk they wanted to have at school.

"It's your birthday Chloe, you get to go first!" Izzy grinned as she grabbed some food and sniffled slightly; the flu still lingering, but her spirits were high nonetheless.

"I tied Rhys down and tested his self control." Chloe grinned, "I remember you said that Finn always pulls on his restraints when you tie him," She said to Rae, "And he's broken 'em?"

"Aye." Rae nodded happily.

"I'm gonna push Rhys to that." Chloe said with an excited grin.

"Good fucking luck!" Rae shook her head, "The man's got patience and resolve to put a fucking nun to shame."

"Plus he wouldn't' wanna do that Chlo, in case it were violent… you know?" Izzy added thinking about how careful Rhys was with Chloe because she was a survivor. But Chloe shook her head.

"I told him it's what I wanted, but to not make it easy on me." Chloe grinned. "See that's the key… communication." She said with a knowing wink to Izzy, "He's up to do pretty much anything if we talk about it beforehand and set the rules and boundaries and stuff."

"Doesn't that ruin the mood?" Izzy scrunched her nose slightly.

"No." Chloe said, "Really not." Chloe supposed that as a survivor talking through what you wanted and getting proper consent was especially important to her, but she couldn't see why it wouldn't work for anyone else.

"When I do that with Finn it kinda heightens the excitement, cos you're anticipating what's to come… And sometimes we kinda feed off each other, you know, giving each other ideas!"

"Yeah that's happened to us too!" Chloe grinned.

"I don't suppose Chop and I are doing anything that requires a talk beforehand…" Izzy considered, "Although we did have anal sex and I did talk to him about that beforehand. But that didn't increase the excitement for me; I were too focussed on making sure he understood everything I were saying."

"What?" Rae asked surprised.

"You guys had anal?" Chloe asked with an equally surprised expression.

"I don't know what you're looking at me like that for, I told you I was wanting to do it."

"Yeah but saying it and doing it are different things Iz!" Chloe exclaimed, "I wanna kill Ian, but I'm fairly certain I'll never do it."

"That's a fucking shame that is." Rae said with a straight face and Chloe gave her a fond grin. Rae turned her eyes to Izzy, "So what were it like?"

"I actually really liked it!" Izzy bit her bottom lip in excitement and Chloe looked at her was surprise.

"Liked it how?" Chloe asked.

"Well…" Izzy hesitated, obviously worrying what they might think.

"No Izzy you're not a slut for liking it!" Chloe caught the look on her face.

"Well, you just look so surprised…" Izzy explained.

"Well that's just cos in my experience anal is better for them than it is for us." Chloe shrugged.

"Well," Izzy answered, "I came from it…" Both Chloe and Rae's jaws dropped and Izzy blushed. "Don't look at me like that! The book said some women do!" Izzy cried, blushing furiously.

"No Izzy! I think it's amazing that you did!" Chloe explained supportively. "I just… I never expected it… cos… Well, cos I never liked it that much…"

"Yeah but I'm not you Chlo…" Izzy shrugged, "it felt like it was rubbin' me nice vagina bits, but from the other side…"

"Holy shit…" Rae muttered, and then a thousand questions popped into her head at the same time; "but did it hurt? And weren't you worried about, you know, poo? And how much lube did you have to use? And was it weird going in and out of there?" Rae fired the questions off in rapid succession.

"Well, I did worry about poo at first…" Izzy admitted, "but I guess it's kind of the same as making sure you've got an empty stomach when you're gonna deep throat 'im…" She shrugged, "it's just all preparation innit?"

"I s'pose…" Rea mumbled.

"And it were a bit hard getting it in at first…" Izzy answered thoughtfully. "But he were going slow and we done some preparation, like the book said, beforehand. So no, it didn't hurt, but I imagine it would if it was done wrong." Rae stared at Izzy still unable to hide her bewildered surprise. But she was encouraged by the fact that it was exactly what the book had said; if you do it right, it'll be okay. "We used heaps of lube! I was so worried that it wouldn't be enough, but Chop was even more worried!" Izzy said with a fond grin, "and I guess at first it felt a little weird… Kinda like a poo wanting to…" Izzy looked at them and blushed, biting her bottom lip in embarrassment.

"Go in and out!" Chloe laughed and Rae pulled a face of disgust as Izzy nodded her head.

"But once I got used to that, and I let myself just feel what it felt like… It was really nice." Izzy bit her bottom lip again, "and it made me cum…" She shrugged.

"Holy shit Iz." Rae mumbled.

"And of course Chop's real happy about it."

"Of course he fucking is!" Chloe laughed, "Total male fantasy, remember?"

"Oh yes!" Izzy laughed and turned to Rae, "so when are you gonna get it girl?"

"Um… Eventually…" Rae shrugged, "we're kinda taking our time with that one…"

"Fair enough." Chloe responded with an understanding tone, "I'm not sure Rhys is ever gonna get up there!" Chloe laughed.

"Yeah, I wouldn't let him up my arse either!" Izzy laughed.

"I dunno though, cos he has fucked a lot of people with that giant cock of his… He knows how to make it feel good… He's never hurt me, so I don't imagine he would, even if we did do anal…" Chloe considered this, "although sometimes I really do wonder how the hell he gets it in me!" Chloe laughed.

"Length of your forearm…" Izzy marvelled.

"I can't get over Tom dislocating his fucking jaw…" Rae shook her head, "I mean I thought Finn was fucking big, but seriously Chloe, what were you thinking!" Rae joked.

"Yes, next time choose a man with a more sensible sized penis!" Izzy joined in on the joke.

"I'll do my best girls!" Chloe laughed. This had been a great week. Her 18th birthday had seen her receive a £10,000 bank account from her parents and grandparents, a week in Paris in the October holidays from Rhys, a sexy hamper from Izzy and Rae with everything in it from lingerie to vibrators to rope, Chop and Finn had put in together to get the sound system on her car fixed and for it to get an electric purple paint job. Tom had said that his and Archie's present would be given to her when they got back from overseas, but Archie had given her a bottle of her favourite perfume as a little something to tide her over until her real present came. And now she had to have a lovely weekend with her friends, her second family to truly celebrate.

"So do you think there will be a next time then?" Izzy asked curiously.

"D'you know girls, I don't think there will be…" Chloe said quietly. "I mean, I'll fuck lots of other people, but I don't think I'll start a relationship with anyone else again." She shook her head slowly, "how could anyone compare to him?" She asked honestly. "I just think that there's no one else on this planet that could ever love me like he does." She gave a small satisfied smile, "and I know I'll never love anyone like I love him." Rae was struck by the look in her eyes and understood just how deeply Chloe was in love with Rhys.

"So even though you love each other, you're not gonna become monogamous?" Izzy asked with a slightly confused tone.

"No, I don't think we will." Chloe shrugged, "it doesn't really suit Rhys," she answered thoughtfully, "and the more I get to know myself, the more I realise it doesn't really suit me."

"Yeah, but that means…" Izzy stopped herself.

"That he might fuck other people too?" Chloe asked, slightly sarcastically, "yeah, I realise it's not just me that gets to fuck around. And he'll probably have a go at it too." She shrugged again, "you know I think I'm okay with that."

"Even if it's Elsa?" Izzy asked surprised. Rae was particularly interested in this question, because she knew that in time, it might be a question asked of her relationship with Finn.

"Even Elsa." Chloe grinned. "I think people are most scared about their partners leaving them." Chloe explained, "Most people don't want to be alone. So I think people try to stop their partners from having feelings for other people just in case they leave you for them. But I'm not worried about that."

"But what if he does fall in love with her?" Rae almost whispered the question.

"Well, he already does love her." Chloe answered, "So I don't see how anything would change, other than I'm not asking him to deny a part of himself. And if he falls more in love with her, then he does." She shrugged nonchalantly, "we've made a commitment to each other to try to make our relationship last, and since neither of us have a problem with us seeing other people, it's not like he'll have to ever make a choice. He'll just get to love us both." Rae thought about this for a while.

"But don't you want him to love only you?" Izzy asked.

"God, no! Why would I want that Izzy?" Chloe shook her head, "I love so many people… He's just the one that I decided to face the world with. That doesn't stop me from loving other people, or wanting other people, or even fucking other people."

"So if love doesn't mean those things, what does it mean?" Izzy asked.

"It means we got each other's backs." Chloe said with a grin, "it means we'll always put each other first, and make sure we're there for each other in the dark of the night."

"Yeah, but what if he's fucking Elsa in the dark of the night?" Rae asked, trying not to think of Finn and herself in this scenario.

"That's why communication is so important." Chloe nodded her head sagely, "so that we're never off with someone else when we need to be with our primary partner."

"You make it sound so easy Chlo." Izzy mumbled.

"I don't know if it's easy, it's just right for us." Chloe shrugged again, "I don't think I'll ever want a monogamous relationship again."

"Go', you're so brave Chlo." Izzy marvelled, "I'd always be afraid he'd find someone better than me."

"Well, if he finds someone better than me," Chloe thought about what Rhys had said to her, and understood him perfectly, "then he should be with them." She shrugged, "I really want for both of us to be happy, and we're both really good at bringing happiness to each other. I've never felt more loved or more secure in any other relationship in me entire life Iz." Chloe said honestly, "so I don't think it's brave to have an open relationship with Rhys, because I know exactly where I stand with him. I know exactly how he feels, he tells me in everything he does." Chloe thought about the boxing gloves that had appeared in his third bedroom without comment from him. "And he doesn't keep his feelings for other people secret. And he's not so stupid as to think that the slightest emotion he has for someone else, must mean he loves them and needs to be with them instead of me… If he gets feelings for someone else, we'll discuss them, and I'm certainly not going to stop him from seeing that person."

"You know, sometimes I think feelings for other people grow stronger simply because we can't have them." Izzy suggested supportively, "you know the whole forbidden fruit thing? You want it more because you can't have it."

"I suppose it's possible…" Chloe thought about it and then nodded her head, "when I thought I would have to choose between Rhys and exploring my desire to have a lot of sex with a lot of different people, the urge to fuck around was much greater than it is now…" Chloe admitted, "now that I know that I don't have to choose, I find myself able to slow down and think about it, instead of rushing in and having sex before it's taken from me. And because I already have Rhys, I find myself evaluating any other man I might sleep with far more sternly, instead of just getting with them because I'm afraid of being alone. It means I'm making better decisions in that regard." She shrugged, "I thought I'd be fucking dozens of men a week, but it's only been a few other men in the whole time I've been with Rhys. I'm actually more intrigued by the idea of having sex with women now…" She grinned at the look Izzy gave her and noticed Rae slowly nodded her head as if understanding, "I just feel like, for me, when nothing is forbidden, I'm able to make better decisions, because I know there's time to try out everything if I want to."

"I think I'd be a kid in a candy store," Izzy said thoughtfully, "just grabbing and taking everything and not stopping until I was sick!"

"No, but I don't think you would be Iz," Rae countered softly, "I think all three of us girls would be very sensible with that kind of freedom." Izzy thought about it for a while and then nodded her head.

"Sometimes I feel there are so many different things I want to try, that I could end up fucking a million men…" She looked at Rae and Chloe for any signs of them thinking she was a slut, but they nodded sympathetically. "But in reality, I probably only want, a couple of really good lovers that knew how to push my buttons right."

"It sounds so good…" Rae admitted, and her brain turned to Phil momentarily before she forced herself to not think that way, "but I like the special relationship Finn and I have."

"It doesn't lessen the special relationship Rhys and I have." Chloe answered, "I mean he has a special relationship with Elsa, but that doesn't lessen what he has with me." Rae thought about this for a moment and shrugged uncomfortably; she was the one who chosen monogamy with Finn, and she was going to stick with that, no matter how much she also wanted to be with Phil.

"I guess I just like how there is no one else involved with us, how we've just got each other." Rae answered softly.

"Well, there's no one else involved in Rhys and I's relationship either," Chloe countered, "even if we chose to have a threesome or something like that, it would be a momentary thing, we would always be the primary relationship." She eyed Rae suspiciously, "what, do you think there's just always another person with Rhys and I?" She asked, "Because that is not the case, not even, what's the word?" She thought for a moment, "metaphorically…" She said, "When Rhys is with me, he is 100% with me. He's not thinking about Elsa or anyone else. There is no one else in our primary relationship, Rae, it's just us… We just occasionally have a play with someone else. That's all." She shrugged nonchalantly, knowing that Rae and Izzy may never understand, but also knowing they would never judge her for it. "And sometimes the people we play with are people we care about too, it doesn't lessen how much we love each other." Chloe saw a type of understanding in Rae's eyes that she had not expected to see and she instantly knew that Rae was thinking about Phillip. "But it looks like you know exactly what I'm talking about Rae…" Chloe prodded her best friend gently and Rae sighed and nodded slowly.

"Kinda." She said softly. Izzy knew what Rae was talking about and put a hand supportively on Rae's thigh. "Alright…" Rae said slowly, almost reluctantly, but knowing it was for the best, "I wanna tell you girls, before it goes all round school, cos I bet it fucking will…" Rae paused, "I wanna tell you that… some stuff happened between Phil and me at the drama camp." Chloe's jaw dropped slightly. She hadn't expected that something had actually happened.

"Oh my god." She whispered, "You cheated on Finn?" She tried to not sound as shocked as she was. An open relationship was one thing; that required communication and acceptance… cheating was an entirely different thing, and Chloe hadn't believed that Rae had it in her. Even after what had happened with Liam and Amy and Rae, Chloe blamed Liam for that kiss, not Rae. Rae wasn't a cheater.

"No." Rae answered firmly.

"But you did do stuff with him?" Izzy asked confused and Rae nodded.

"So how is that not cheating on Finn?" Chloe asked confused.

"Finn organised for it to happen." Rae answered tentatively. Chloe's face was shocked; she hadn't expected that from Finn, not with all of his jealousy, even if it had gotten better lately. Izzy nodded her head slowly. "Ok it's not like…" Rae sighed frustrated, "that didn't come out the right way… it's not exactly how it sounds."

"Then how is it?" Chloe asked.

"Finn told Phil to take me out on a date and tell me how he feels about me… and then he told me that I could explore how I felt for Phillip… with no consequences and no questions asked…"

"I'm confused." Izzy answered, "So Finn doesn't know stuff happened?"

"No, he does… just not what happened, exactly…" Rae answered slowly but Chloe was grinning.

"He's so in love with you!" Chloe answered ecstatically.

"Which one of them?" Izzy asked, a grin coming to her face.

"Oh both of them!" Chloe answered with a huge grin, "So are you and Finn gonna open up your relationship then?"

"We decided not to for now." Rae answered slowly.

"Why?" Chloe asked, almost outraged.

"For now?" Izzy asked at the same time.

"Well I'm not ready for something like that, even though, I think Finn might be… and I might never be ready for it." Rae shrugged.

"But… Rae… I always thought you had feelings for Phil too?" Izzy asked softly. There was a silence as Rae looked down at her fingers.

"I do." She admitted. "And part of me wants what you've got Chlo." Rae looked up at Chloe and then to Izzy, " But it's not right for us just yet… but I think that maybe one day it could be. Or maybe it never will be… I kinda don't mind… which is odd, I admit it."

"Fair enough." Chloe nodded her head slowly, "You gotta do what's right for you babe."

"So are you gonna tell Finn what happened?" Izzy asked but Rae shook her head.

"Finn doesn't want to know what we did, but he knows something happened."

"And he's alright with it?" Chloe asked.

"Seems to be." Rae responded.

"I knew he loved you right proper like." Chloe said happily, "Cos he knows you and Phil have a connection, and he's not wanting you to kill that part of yourself… that's love that is."

"He says he wants to give me everything I need, and to make me happy." Rae suddenly grinned, "It is nice to know that he really means that… he's not saying, 'I'll give you everything you need, within boundaries…'" Rae answered and Chloe nodded, understanding what that felt like. Izzy furrowed her brows and looked away momentarily, but was reminded that Chop easily forgave her kissing Peter once he understood what it was about. He wanted to give her everything she needed too, he was backward about how he expressed it.

"Most people only want to make you happy if what makes you happy is what makes themselves happy." Chloe agreed, "Same with needs." She added, "It's so strange when you meet someone who actually means it." Chloe took Rae's hand, "I'm so glad you met Finn, cos I think you bring out the best in each other… and you both allow each other to grow and to really be happy and have what you need… I'm so happy for both of you."

"You're acting like we're getting married Chlo!" Rae laughed.

"Oh, same thing!" She shook her head, "No better!" She changed her mind, "What Finn has done for you here with Phil is a more real declaration of love than half of the marriage vows said in this flippin' country every year." She asserted.

"I agree." Izzy said simply when Rae turned her eyes to her, "Just look at the divorce rate… obviously half of them didn't mean their vows."

"Can't argue with that logic!" Rae laughed. And then noticed the curious looks she was getting from Chloe and Izzy. "What?"

"Well you can't leave it at that… you know that right?" Chloe said with a cheeky grin.

"Yeah… you can't just say 'stuff happened' and not tell us exactly what happened." Izzy joined Chloe.

"Yeah, like… did he go down…" Chloe grinned, "I know how you enjoy that…"

"Did he make you cum?" Izzy asked eagerly, "Did you fuck?" Rae sighed and looked over at the door to the kitchen; Finn had been clear that he didn't want the gory details… but if the girls were asking…

"Alright… well the real action happened on Tuesday." Rae said very softly, "But it all began on Sunday night…" She watched Izzy and Chloe lean in closer and grinned; she decided that she was going to tell them everything that had happened at the drama camp, even the stuff that had happened as they lay in the bed on Tuesday night, the stuff she had thought she'd never tell anyone about.

"Fuck it's weird not having Archer here." Chop sunk into the bean bag and looked over at Rhys, "Although having this splendid fucker about ain't too bad at all." He added with a grin.

"Time to get Rhys really fucking drunk!" Finn laughed.

"Oh right?" Rhys chuckled.

"Cos you said you're a fucking bragger when you're drunk!" Chop handed him a jelly totsie, "get some o' that into you lad!"

"Alright then." Rhys shook his head and sucked down the jelly totsie, "Izzy makes 'em strong!" He laughed and Chop and Finn nodded their heads knowingly. "But rules…" Rhys suddenly said, "I won't be bragging about Chloe."

"Why the fuck not?" Chop asked before having a jelly totsie of his own.

"I won't brag about Chloe rediscovering sex after…" He stopped and gave them both a face that indicated he really shouldn't have to say this and both of them nodded their heads.

"Ayup," Chop nodded, "Seems reasonable." And then his eyes turned to Finn and a huge grin lit up his face. "You're not gonna believe what happened to me last night laddy." He grinned and Finn grinned back.

"I've got some stuff to tell too." He touched his thighs through his jeans and felt the sting of the cane marks, he so wished Archie or Tom was here to talk to about it. But Rhys would be good with it, and Chop would enjoy the confident Rae stuff, if not the caning stuff.

"Me first!" Chop said with a grin that made Finn narrow his eyes.

"What's happened?" He asked and Rhys watched the two younger men with an amused expression.

"Izzy got herself a book." Chop nodded and keep grinning that far-too-satisfied grin. Finn furrowed his brows.

"So did Rae…" He suddenly realised. "You talking 'bout the anal sex book?" Finn asked and Chop nodded. Rhys looked at the ceiling for a moment. The last time he'd had a big talk with friends about women, it had been with Jae, Deepak and Talat and it had been about the fundamental role of women in various religions. Rhys had argued that as men, it was not their place to answer this question, and Talat had appealed to a higher authority for the answer. He looked back at Finn and Chop, anal sex and sex in general was no less worthy a topic… but the differences in his two groups of friends were sometimes so stark it surprised him. He truly was a very flexible man.

"Aye that's the book!" Chop grinned.

"I been reading through it with Rae." Finn added and Chop nodded his head.

"So, last night… Ms Isabella Reid, cool as you like, shows me this book for the first time… tells me to read a few marked passages, and then demands… demands Finn… that we try anal sex immediately." Chop said it as calmly as he could, trying to keep the grin off his face.

"Holy fuck." Finn said with a grin. "So it happened."

"Fuck yes it happened!" Chop practically burst with excitement and Finn sat forward in his bean bag.

"What was it like? Did it hurt her?" Finn asked urgently.

"It were quite good!" Chop answered happy to have something over Finn, it had been a while since he'd been able to school Finn in anything sexual, "And it didn't hurt her… well getting it in were a bit tricky, but she came from it! I weren't fingering her vag or anything… she just came from it up the bum." Chop looked happily stunned.

"Aye but you had a good experience with that too." Finn wondered why Chop looked so surprised by Izzy's pleasure when he himself had had an amazing orgasm due to anal play.

"Yeah but I got a prostate gland, she don't." Chop said with a sage nod.

"It is rare for women to orgasm from only anal simulation." Rhys added, "But I have seen-"

"Of course you have!" Chop snarked and shook his head, "You've done fucking everything!" Rhys furrowed his brows momentarily and shrugged.

"Not everything. But a lot of stuff."

"Have another fucking drink." Chop handed Rhys a bottle of gin and a glass, "get that in you."

"Tom's the gin drinker you know." Rhys said as he poured himself a large glass of gin.

"Anyway." Chop said, "Back to me having actually had anal sex!" He grinned at Finn, "That makes you last!"

"Aye it does." Finn shrugged, "But we'll get there."

"Oh yeah?" Chop asked and Finn nodded.

"We had a right proper chat about all of the sex stuff and she's keen to slowly move towards doing it… I don't mind taking my time." He grinned, "It kinda builds it up nicely."

"I s'pose it does." Chop agreed, "But give me Izzy's surprise butt sex any day!"

"That's twice she's surprised you with that kind o' thing." Finn noted, "I think our Izzy is into a lot more than you thought."

"I fucking think so too!" Chop grinned. "Drink up fucker." He handed Rhys two jelly totsies. "Cos when I'm done hearing Finn's stuff, I want some juicy details from you." Rhys cocked an eyebrow from him and chuckled as he started in on the jelly totsies. He'd never really been one to party like this gang did, but he had no objection to joining in with these lads; they were good human beings, which was what Rhys required from people he bonded with. It was depressingly rare to find good human beings though.

"So what's happening with you Finn?" Rhys deflected the attention back onto the lads.

"Well Rae has been so much more confident since she shagged Phil, she's taking the lead most o' the time now and I-"

"Wait!" Chop exclaimed with a horrified face, "What?"

"So she did do it?" Rhys asked with a curious expression.

"Well I don't know for sure…" Finn answered, "But I think so." He shrugged.

"What?" Chop asked, "What?" He asked louder, "What's with the fucking shrug?" He shook his head, "No, you're wrong Finn… Rae's no cheater!"

"No she's not." Finn agreed and Chop gave him a beautifully perplexed expression.

"So you think Rae's self-esteem was boosted by her interaction with Phil?" Rhys asked and Finn nodded. "Makes sense." He mulled over Rae's particular type of self-hatred.

"Wait, how does it makes sense?" Chop asked, "Why wouldn't Finn's… 'interaction' make her feel good about herself?" He said the word interaction as if it were a euphemism for penis and Rhys grinned at Chop's discomfiture. "I mean what the fuck has Phil got that's so fucking good?"

"I don't think it's about Phil… I mean I know it is, but it's not as well. It's more that she realised that if two good blokes can like her so much, there must be something good about her…"

"Why couldn't she realise it just from you liking her?" Chop asked confused.

"It's not a reflection on me Chop!" Finn could hear the tone in Chop's voice; he wanted to come to the defence of Finn. "There's nothing wrong with me or Rae… there's a whole lot wrong with the world though." He continued, "And I think Rae would've always needed a couple of examples of people being opposed to what the rest o' the world had told her afore it all started to make her realise…" Finn nodded slowly, "But I'm the one that gets to be with her." He grinned satisfied and then felt a little sorry for Phil.

"The external world did the damage to her self-esteem." Rhys added, "So a few external sources have helped to partially restore it." He considered this for a moment, "A lot of people who fall outside the very narrow definition of beauty need a lot of reassurance that they are attractive. Some people can manage to continuously receive that from their singular partner, but many cannot…"

"So Rae's fucking around to feel pretty?" Chop asked but Rhys shook his head.

"I believe the experience of having another person helped her gain some actual real self-esteem that resides within herself, rather than outside of herself."

"She's heaps more confident." Finn nodded.

"Does she need less constant reassurance about her attractiveness and your sexual interest in her?" Finn considered Rhys's question and nodded.

"Before the drama camp, I used to start us having sex; almost every time it were me initiating. It were like she needed the reassurance that I was interested afore she could get into it. Now, she starts it the most… When she wants it, she comes to me, knowing that I want her, not needing any sign from me that I'm keen… and the sex is definitely better…" Finn's eyes opened wide, "I mean it were brilliant before… but Rae with all this confidence… I can't even find words for it…" He grinned dopily and sighed happily, "But her wanting it so much and liking it all so much has made it loads easier for me to do whatever I want sexually, cos I'm not worried that she's just doing it for me, or she's not interested or whatever… her being more confident means that I'm less afraid of hurting her or of sexual exploration, cos she's very, very vocal now about what she does and don't want… and I fucking love that."

"It's quite liberating to be with a confident lover." Rhys nodded.

"Freeing." Finn agreed.

"So you're actually alright with her fucking Phil?"

"Well I don't know if she did or not, and I'm actually surprised with how much I don't care." Finn answered, "Rae and I are so much stronger than being afraid of other people. There's a real special bond between us that is quite literally unbreakable. In a thousand different worlds, different countries, different stories… we still would of found each other." Chop scrunched up his face.

"So if it's so special between you two, why does she need someone else? It just feels so impure, you know…?

"Are you saying pure as a euphemism for virginity?" Rhys asked and Chop shrugged, not sure what he was saying.

"I guess maybe people think that having a special connection means that we both should have been virgins when we got together and never been touched by another person but I call bull shite on that. She's so much more to me than a body… than a vagina… than sex…"

"Of course she is!" Chop answered, "But I just thought… I dunno… like she hadn't had too many lads… like she were a virgin or almost a virgin when you got it…" He shrugged, "I suppose it's daft but I think of our three girls as pretty pure."

"Virginity and purity are such horrible social constructs." Rhys leaned back in his beanbag, it was odd to see the huge, serious man lounging in such a way.

"What are you talking about… there's always gonna be a first time you have sex." Chop scrunched up his face.

"Yes." Rhys nodded his head, "But the idea of virginity is tied up with a person's worth, as is purity. A woman is seen to be worth more if she hasn't had sex… it degrades her down to being nothing more than her vagina. Sex with multiple partners is seen as impure and slutty… but only in women, in men, it's seen as a sign of being a real man."

"Yeah I always wondered about that!" Chop was catching on, "Who the fuck are we s'posed to be fucking if girls are s'posed to stay virgins?"

"The virginity myth also places complete emphasis on putting a penis in a vagina… making the man the most important part of a constraint placed on women. Some lesbians never lose their virginity by this standard. And oral sex doesn't exist apparently… you have people having anal sex to avoid losing their virginity…"

"So do gay guys never lose their virginity then?" Chop laughed.

"Course they do," Finn shook his head, "Cos they still got to put their dick in something."

"Women are judged by this virginity, or purity myth… they are judged as either a virgin or a whore. Or a good woman or a bad woman… how can we judge a fellow human being as good or bad based on whether they've had sex rather than based on who they are?" Rhys asked, "We do this because the woman is seen as an extension of the man; she is his partner, his wife, his. And her worth is determined by the number of penises she's had in her, she is not her own being, with her own agency or attributes… she is a vessel for man." He looked down at his drink, "our notion of what sex is, and what it can be has become very messed up by patriarchal standards that don't see women as human beings."

"So like I said before Chop, Rae can have whatever she needs… including sex. I think that when we say we love someone and wanna give them what they need… we usually mean 'as long as what they need is what I need' and I don't mean that." Finn said firmly, "I mean it when I say she can have whatever she needs."

"Well obviously that's awesome." Chop answered, "I just don't understand why she needs Phil… you're a top bloke."

"Who cares why she needs Phil? She just does." He shrugged, "And that doesn't make me any less of a top bloke."

"So is she with both of you now?" Chop asked and Finn shook his head.

"She wants monogamy. For now." Finn said, "I think she had something to learn from him and she's feeling better now. But she does have feelings for him, so who knows what the future holds."

"And you're alright with that?"

"I'd prefer monogamy, but-"

"So what you're saying is, what she needs is more important than what you need?" Chop asked with an unimpressed look.

"What I'm saying is what she needs is more important than what I want." Finn corrected, "What I need is more important than what she wants." He explained, "There's a hierarchy here, needs come first. Mutual happiness comes first. And what I need most is Rae. I need us to be together and to be happy. Things that I want or would prefer are lower down in the hierarchy." Finn continued, "We're a proper partnership; we communicate, we compromise, and we treat each other with love… the kind of love that puts each other's needs first."

"We're gonna have'ta have this conversation at least a dozen more times afore I get it." Chop shook his head. "Like I understand the sentiment and the love and needs bit… I just don't get why that means she's fucking Phil…"

"Why doesn't it mean it?" Rhys asked and both Finn and Chop looked at him, "We've all been raised on the purity myth… on romanticised ideals of what it is to be loved and to love. Real love is pure, clean… white." He gave a sly grin that indicated they probably wouldn't understand the racial undertones of that, "The moment we realise we're in love it pierces our hearts and we all love that chase, the idea that this is the 'one.'" Rhys grimaced, "But the 'one' is such an awful idea… imagine if only one person could ever love you like you deserve… well not only are you worth more than that… but what if you never meet them, or you make a mistake…?"

"Fuck it up!" Finn nodded his head slowly.

"But you think Rae's the one." Chop countered Finn.

"Aye, she's special… but we've both been loved by other people, and we both love other people… and we could both find happiness elsewhere. That's not a bad thing, it doesn't lessen what we've got. In fact it increases it, instead of her being the only one true option for me in a void of nothingness… she's one of many that I could love and be happy with, but she's the one that stands out the most, the one I choose to spend my life with every day. And I'm the one she chooses every day."

"Until she chooses Phil for a few hours." Chop said with a frown. "I gotta be honest, I like the idea of there being no one else…"

"Romanticised rubbish." Rhys said unapologetically with a shrug.

"You saying Chloe isn't special to you?" Chop shot back.

"Of course she is. But that doesn't mean that there aren't other special people in my life. You're one of them Chop. You're just a different type of special to Chloe…"

"So what made you choose her over… me?" Chop asked trying to get his point home that the person you're in a relationship with is the only one.

"Are you really asking that Chop?" Finn laughed and Chop nodded.

"How do you choose anything in life?" Rhys asked, "She seemed right at the time, and as we spent time together, it became apparent that spending time with her brings me a great deal of happiness. And I do feel very privileged to be spending time with her; she could spend her time however she wishes. And yes, she is extraordinarily special to me." Rhys asked, "But she is not a thing Chop, her worth can't be measure by who wants her, and whether she is in a relationship. She is special regardless of that."

"See!" Chop went back to one of his earlier points, "So why does it give Rae worth to be with Phil?"

"It shouldn't." Rhys answered sadly, "Ideally we would all know that we are worth more than what others think of us… but our world does a remarkably good job of tearing some of us down." Rhys looked to Finn.

"Like Rhys said, some external stuff helped her get a bit of internal stuff." Finn said, "it's like… it's like the world put a huge fucking hole in her chest right… and therapy… it cleaned the wound and disinfected it. I were the stitches… and Phil, and even people like Mike… they're the bandage over the wound. It's all just helping her heal. Eventually, the only source of her self-worth will be from within, but she gotta heal first."

"You always hear about girls fucking around and it fucks up their self-esteem." Chop said, confused again.

"Oh it can!" Rhys answered, "For all genders. If you're being used for just your body, and are seen as worthless otherwise, it can be harmful if it's not part of a specific, agreed upon kink. Even if you're not being degraded during the sex, attitudes to women who have sex are so negative it can impact on her self-esteem severely, even though the sex itself was good or fun… that's not the sex's fault, that society's fault. But it can also be very uplifting and fulfilling to have sex, even with complete strangers."

"And Rae didn't fuck around, although, I'm not judging people who wanna do that… she has feelings for Phil."

"Doesn't that mess with you?"

"No." Finn shook his head, "You don't get to choose who you have feelings for." He thought about Elsa and shrugged, "but you do get to choose what you do with your feelings. And she chose."

"Chose to fuck Phil and then come back to you?" Chop took a swig of his drink, still trying to get his head around it.

"Chose to explore her feelings for Phil in whatever way she needed, I actually don't know if they fucked, remember? And then, after fully understanding her feelings, she made a choice to be with me."

"Right." Chop mulled it over.

"She could of chose both of us and I would've been alright with it."

"Are you fucking serious?" Chop marvelled.

"I know!" Finn laughed, "I'm not sure I fully understand it all Chop… but if she needs him, or anything… it's not in me to deny her what she needs… I can't do it. And I feel…" Finn considered how he felt for a moment, "so happy and complete, knowing that she's getting everything she needs, no matter what it is, even if it's hard for me. And I find that it's easier for me to get everything I need when I think like this." He added, "I were so angry all the time when I were basically trying to own her and be everything to her… but I'm so happy this way, I just feel calmer, like I can handle anything and it'll be alright cos I love her and she loves me. We're gonna make real happy and fulfilling life together."

"Well if it's making you both happy, I'm not gonna fucking judge it. But I don't understand it." Chop shrugged.

"We're happy Chop." Finn told him, "And I've never felt more in love in me whole life… every day I fall more in love with her… and I just know we'll get through anything and keep making each other happy cos we got this communication thing sorted and we love each other so much…" Chop nodded slowly.

"Alright," He conceded. "Fuck our conversations are always more serious when you're around!" Chop said to Rhys and Rhys grinned and shrugged. "And you're the same as Finn is with Rae, with Chlo then?" He asked and furrowed his brows when Rhys did not immediately reply. After a moment a huge smile spread across Rhys's face.

"Yes." He nodded, "I am the same." He suddenly got up, "I just need a moment." He left the kitchen, Finn and Chop scrambling to get up to follow him.

The girls looked up as Rhys came in.

"Sorry to interrupt." He said softly, his eyes never leaving Chloe as he went to her and put his hands on her face, his eyes drawing in close to hers. "I needed to come and tell you missy, that I am very deeply in love with you, and you make my life extraordinarily happy." Chloe felt a huge grin coming over her face as he spoke, "I would very much like to spend a lot more time with you."

"I'd like that too." Chloe answered before kissing him. Rae bit her bottom lip and grinned at Finn; she had said Rhys was slowly falling in love with Chloe, and to see this was wonderful. Izzy covered her mouth and grinned happily, Finn and Chop looked on, surprised by Rhys's openness.

"If we continue to make each other happy in this way, I would very much like to spend many, many years with you Ms Chloe." He whispered and she nodded her head. "Alright," He grinned, "I have interrupted you long enough." He kissed her and stood up to leave, but she grabbed his hand.

"I'm in love with you too Rhys." She answered, "And I can't see how you'd ever not make me happy." Chop and Finn watched the smile that alighted on Rhys's face; the honour and joy he felt was palpable. They kissed, Chloe standing up to kiss him deeper.

"Fuck it, he's a better man than me." Chop shook his head. Just the expression on Rhys's face when Chloe had told him she felt the same, the way he had come to her to tell her immediately when he understood that his slow falling in love had reached a depth that required a deeper commitment from both of them, the uncomplicated happiness and obvious respect and love they shared for each other… Chop was beginning to think that maybe Rhys had been right all along.

"No." Finn said softly, "We're all different Chop… I doubt I'll ever be as eloquent as he is, for example… but that don't make him better than me." Finn grinned, finally finding that centre within himself, finding the ability to stop comparing himself to others in a judgemental way; it had brought him peace. Finn shrugged and winked at Rae before clapping Chop on the back and motioning for him to come back into the Foosball room beside the kitchen.

Rhys and Chloe stopped kissing, shared a lingering gaze and she told him to piss off with a grin. He left the girls, laughing and already talking about what had just happened and re-joined the lads.

"Right lad." Chop said and handed him two jelly totsies, "How much fucking booze do you need before we start hearing stories about that fucking sex club?" Rhys laughed and shook his head.

"None, what d'you wanna know?" He asked merrily.

"Oh lad…" Chop grinned, "Fucking everything!"

_'I Love You More Than Words Can Say' by Otis Redding_

Tom looked down at the hardboiled egg, hard piece of bread masquerading as toast with butter and jam. But the thing that topped of this uninspiring breakfast was the black tea that was so sweet he could feel the diabetes forming in his blood as soon as it touched his lips. It had been the same breakfast every morning, but they weren't too fussed; there was usually some street stalls, and if not them, El-Abd bakery was 5 minutes away. They had tried the local cuisines of Fuul, Ta'amiyya, shwarma, and kushari, but it was the juice joints and the bakery that had them both hooked.

"I'm definitely not gonna have a six pack at the end of this 3 months." He thought about heading to the bakery now and grinned at Archie. Archie shrugged.

"I'm sure you'll be just as adorable with a little bit o' fat on your bones." Archie answered softly.

"Well we both know that." Tom answered and took a sip of the tea, grimacing as if it were strong alcohol. "So what are we doing today?" Tom asked as he peeled the egg slowly. Archie had had them traipsing all over Cairo for the past 5 days, and to the outskirts, of course, where the pyramids were. Tom had been enthralled, when he was younger he had decided he would either be a thespian or an Egyptologist, and when he realised that tourists were permitted inside the second largest pyramid, the pyramid of Khafre, he had felt like a small boy again, excited beyond reason.

Mohammed, the receptionist's cousin, had proven to be an invaluable friend on this journey. The first day he had met them, he had taken them to the stepped pyramid, driving through winding backstreets and showing them the parts of Cairo the tourism board didn't want tourists to see, and talking passionately about socialism and changing the Arab world for the better. They had known Mohammed less than 2 hours when he had confronted them brusquely, accusing them of being lovers, not cousins. They had, of course, denied it, but Mohammed had shrugged and told them he was gay, and that he'd take them to an underground gay club that night if they were interested. They had very quickly learned that the conservative stereotypes of the Islamic world were completely wrong, and that homosexuality was very much practiced here in an odd sort of way; only the men who took it were considered gay. Mohammed explained that even though the western press reported that being gay was illegal here, there was actually no part of Egyptian law that addressed homosexuality in anyway at all. Although the public decency laws were sometimes used against gay men, mostly the police turned a blind eye to the tiny gay scene. Mohammed said it wasn't the law that made being gay dangerous or none existent in Egypt, but societal pressure and norms. It was so strange, because so many Egyptian men held hands and linked arms, and even kissed each other, just as friends, but Tom and Archie still hesitated to touch each other too much, just in case they caused offence.

Mohammed had gotten them into all sorts of places and was willing to come with them along all their Nile trips; he wouldn't go to Siwa Oasis, he didn't like to be that deep in the desert, he loved the Nile too much. They had jumped at the chance to have this young man join them on their trip; he was knowledgeable and well connected with cousins everywhere and they paid him the daily fee he asked for without a question.

They had gone to Memphis and Saqqara, to the Cairo museum, to Coptic Cairo, to the citadel and the Grand Mosque, to the grand bazaar… but they'd be heading back there on their last day in Egypt. They had gone to a belly dance show, smoked apple flavoured tobacco from a hookah pipe while watching a traditional music show, gone to Mohammed's place for dinner and to meet his extended family… in just a few days, they had both experienced more amazing things than they had in their whole life. Memphis had been the first place they had felt genuinely worried by the guards with guns, when one of them had motioned for them to follow him into an abandoned area behind some statues. He motioned with his hands the first time, but when they hesitated he motioned with his gun for them to follow. So they had done so. Only to discover another guard waiting behind the statues. Archie had read all of the guide books multiple times, and it looked like they were probably going to be robbed… but then the one that had been waiting behind the statues offered to take a photo of them with the guards, holding their guns up, for a small payment. They had of course agreed; who argues with two men with AK47s… but then Tom watched in bemused horror as Archie haggled aggressively over the cost of these photos. It turned out that Archie was a great haggler; getting a decent price for things, but never demanding the lowest price because people's lives depended on selling these things.

But the icing on the cake had been the sphinx and the pyramids of Giza. Both of them had run around like stupid little boys and Mohammed had had to remind them to drink water. Tom had gladly jumped up onto to a camel with no complaint for a photograph in front of the pyramids and had touched the stones of the largest one in silent awe. Archie had been much the same. When they had left the pyramids at Giza, Archie had seen Tom looking up at the biggest one, the grand pyramid of Cheops longingly; it wasn't currently open to the public, the pyramids were opened on a rotating basis. Seeing that look on Tom's face put an idea in Archie's mind; Mohammed had told him it was possible, and Archie had a surprise in store for Tom.

But tonight was for the surprise, today was for Abu Sir; A bunch of pyramids, just north of Saqqara that were badly worn, falling apart and possibly devoid of tourists. It said in Archie's guide book that the site was open to the public but Mohammed seemed to think that it might not be.

"You know, I really feel quite at home here." Tom said as they sauntered down the street toward the bakery. "It's strange, but the history, the human history… it's just palpable in the air, and you feel like you're a part of it… like we all came from here." Tom grinned, "And everyone here is living it… it feels like history is literally being made here, just by living here."

"Well Egypt has had so many discoveries made by a camel or a donkey putting their hoof through something I'm not surprised you can feel the history! This country is literally built on it, more so than a lot of other countries I think." There was a wonderful mix of the new and old in Cairo, new, state of the art technology was all around them, but so was old colonial buildings, and even older still buildings, and of course, you could never forget the nearly 5,000 year old pyramids, visible from many parts of the largest city on the African continent.

The bakery was as lively as ever and dozens of women were bustling behind the counters serving customers at a frenetic pace in the early morning heat and they lined up patiently, deciding what to get.

After the easy going morning Mohammed bundled them into the backseat of his car and prepared to play guide again; talking all the way out to Abu Sir, explaining that these pyramids were not as old as the pyramids at Giza, but because their insides had been made of mudbrick, instead of the stone the other pyramids were made of, they had started to crumble, leaving a wonderful tumbledown, rambunctious set of ruins to explore that were often over looked in favour of their much older, much larger and far more intact siblings at Giza.

After an hour of driving and history lessons, Archie grinned to see Tom not looking at all bored. Partly Tom was on his best behaviour for Archie's sake, but partly Tom just love Egypt and was super excited to be there. No matter which part it was of Tom at any given moment that made his eyes sparkle with attention and excitement at any given moment, Archie didn't mind; he was just so happy to have a partner as miraculous and loving as his Tom. He never expected to find someone who'd listen to all this history stuff for him, with him, without falling asleep or looking bored. He put his hand in Tom's and Tom grinned at him. Occasionally they would link arms in public; copying the locals, and no one seemed to notice. But they were still careful and they made love silently every night, which had been eerie at first, but was oddly wonderful as they learned to practice this kind of self-control. Archie learned to hurt Tom silently, and Tom learned how to take it without a sound. It was amazing how people could adapt.

They finally approached Abu Sir, but it was gated shut and two armed guards, dressed in white with AK47s guarded the entrance, eyeing them suspiciously. But Mohammed jumped out of the car and went to talk to them, while people from the nearby shops and buildings came to peer at the westerners in the car. Some children started climbing the nearby palm trees and Tom and Archie watched the dexterity and speed they possessed in awe. They returned with fresh dates and knocked on the windows to the car cheerily offering to sell them to them. Archie got out of the car, Tom following, and took some dates, offering up a few Egyptian pounds in return. They leaned on the car, eating fresh, deliciously sweet dates and watched kids running and playing, Mohammed bargaining with the guards, money discreetly changing hands.

When Mohammed returned to them, he shooed the children away who had returned with other things to sell and motioned for them to follow him. One of the guards greeted them cheerily, the other one less so, but still welcoming as he opened the gates for them.

It was an incredible experience, walking along the ancient road towards the ruined pyramids, no one in sight except for themselves, Mohammed and the two guards, now playing tour guide. At one point they were all scrambling over the ruins towards an entrance to a mastaba and Archie realised what a dream come true this was, and he understood that he didn't want to be a university lecturer in history, he wanted to be an archaeologist, uncovering sites like these… of course he'd probably have to lecture as well… but his heart belonged out in the field.

They were in a hot and sweaty little restaurant for dinner. Tom smelled the pit of his arms subtly and sighed, grimacing with disgust.

"You coping with all this?" Archie grinned, looking spectacular in all his grime and sweat. It had been averaging 30 degrees Celsius every day since they'd gotten there, slightly above the October average. It was crowded in many of the places they visited, and even when there were no crowds, there was no shade. The end of the day always saw them sweaty, exhausted and dirty.

"Surprisingly yes." Tom nodded and picked up his tea, his hand still on his hat where he'd rested it on the table. Perhaps Archie's favourite Tom moment had been at the end of their first day. After a full day of the sun belting down on them Tom had flat out refused to go anywhere until he bought himself a large brimmed hat; there was no way he was letting his beautiful face be aged by the sun. Archie had led him to Khan al-Khalili: the grand bazaar. And three hours later he'd walked out with a dozen things; none of them a hat. But Archie had picked one up for Tom while he was taken by various little knick-knacks and wonderful store owners offering sweet tea and bargains. It was a straw hat and Tom had loathed it until he'd put it on his head the next day; the sun was off his skin, but his head could still breathe and not get clammy and overly-sweaty and he could easily scrunch it up and throw it in his bag. The hat was a winner.

"You look magnificent when you're all hot and sweaty." Archie told him in a low voice and Tom grinned like a Cheshire cat.

"Do I now?"

"I've got a surprise for you Tomas." Archie didn't answer Tom's cheeky grin; they both knew he always looked good.

"I do like your surprises!"

Mohammed drove them to a plateau overlooking the pyramids; how far in the distance the pyramids were was apparent when buses of people driving up for the light and sound show looked very small. They sat together, drinking champagne that Mohammed had bought from the Nile Hilton, a hotel with a liquor licence, Tom joking that at least he got something from the Nile Hilton. They watched the sun set in near seclusion, Mohammed reading a book in the car, a little down the road, watching for anyone coming to interrupt his clients, his new friends. Tom took dozens of pictures, including one of them kissing in front of the pyramids at sunset.

"This was an incredibly romantic date." Tom said as they watched the light and sound show from the plateau; the pyramids and sphinx lit up beautifully, though sometimes it was a little cheesy.

"It's not over yet." Archie told him with a huge grin.

"What have you got planned?" Tom realised that this wasn't even the actual surprise; it was only a precursor. As if on cue Mohammed honked his horn twice and Archie stood up, extending his hand to Tom.

"You'll see."

They had been driving for a while, before Tom realised they were heading toward the pyramids. They got to the closed ticket booths and a man stood there, looking around carefully, two guards were off in the distance. Mohammed spoke softly to the man at the ticket booth. He produced two electric lanterns and handed them to Tom and Archie, speaking to Mohammed the whole time in Arabic before handing him some keys. Tom looked at Archie, confused, as they were let through the barriers in to the pyramids. Mohammed guided them in the darkness, their lanterns not yet turned on, towards the grand pyramid of Cheops and Tom suddenly gasped as he understood what was happening.

"We're going inside?" He asked and Archie nodded.

"Of course we are; you really wanted to." Tom took Archie's hand, a huge grin on his face and tears in his eyes; no one had ever gone to so much trouble for him before.

"How many people did you have to bribe for this?" He asked softly.

"Eleven." Mohammed answered softly, "Very tricky business." Tom squeezed Archie's hand and felt a surge of love sweep through him.

When they reached the base of the pyramid, Tom again put his hand on it.

"I can't believe they let us all just touch this 5,000 year old piece o' perfection." Tom marvelled as he ran his hands along the stone. He had done that earlier in the week too; excited to even touch the largest pyramid. But now, as they began to climb up the rough-hewn stairs to the entrance way, his heart slammed in his chest with excitement. "I can't believe you planned this for me." He mumbled, feeling choked up, and Archie reached back to him and took his hand as they walked in single file up the face of the great pyramid.

When they got to a metal door in the side of the pyramid, Mohammed unlocked the door and handed the keys to Tom and Archie.

"You have one hour, lock the door after you, no photos inside, be quiet and respectful, don't go down the descending passage, leave the place the way you found it, bring the keys back to me, don't use the lanterns outside of the pyramid, and I'll be waiting in the car ok?" He patted Tom on the back and gave Archie a knowing grin before he headed back down the stairs. Archie pulled the door closed and locked it, leaving them in complete darkness. They fumbled and lit up their lanterns, waking in single file through the cut out hole in the side of the pyramid. When they reached the first chamber they made their lanterns brighter and looked in awe at the high vaulted ceiling.

"Look at the graffiti." Archie touched the walls and saw inscriptions, hundreds of years old, some from Roman legionnaires.

"Holy shit." Tom marvelled, but Archie took his hand and dragged him towards two gangplanks leading upwards towards the heart of the pyramid.

It was a hard climb, part of it done bent over double, in absolute still air. Archie had thought he understood what still air was like from days spent in the library pouring over his history books, but this was utterly still like nothing he had experienced before. It was like air forgot to breathe in here, but when they came to the burial chamber, the base of the sarcophagi in situ, you could almost feel the pyramid itself breathing. Archie ran his fingers along the smooth marble-like walls, Tom, doing the same, a look of awe on his face.

"How the fuck did they build this?" Tom marvelled in the utter stillness.

"Tonnes and tonnes of a 5,000 year old building above our heads." Archie grinned and Tom turned to him with an excited grin.

"Holy shit Arch!" He chuckled softly. "Is it just me, or can you kinda feel it…?"

"Breathing." Archie agreed. Archie pulled a flashlight out of his bag and looked down one of the small square holes in the wall. The first thing he noticed was the cobwebs in there, the next thing was that it was smooth for as far as he could reach in, but as soon as it got past a man's arm length, it was rough-hewn. "They didn't polish the stone all the way through."

"Lazy sods." Tom joked. They chuckled softly, the sheer size and skill that went into building the pyramid very much excluded any kind of laziness.

"Thank you so much for doing this for me Archie. I've wanted to stand in this exact place for as long as I can remember…" Tom beamed at him over the open, empty sarcophagus before looking around the burial chamber again. "I can't believe I'm inside the great pyramid of Cheops… in its very heart." He whispered and Archie walked over to him and took his hand. They stood in silence, in the dim light, feeling the life in this ancient part of the world, dazzled by how dynamic an old stone tomb could be, holding hands and staring into each other's eyes. "I have quite literally never been happier in my entire life, you know that right?"

"Yeah." Archie said softly.

"I just think that sometimes I don't tell you enough…" Archie kissed Tom passionately when he became lost for words, and Tom was grateful for just how well Archie understood and knew him. "I love you." He whispered.

"I brought you here Tom, cos I knew it was one of your lifelong dreams to be inside of this pyramid. This one in particular. And even when it looked like you wouldn't be able to fulfil that dream, when you had gotten so close to having it… you still didn't sulk or pout." Archie shook his head in awe, "You gave it one longing glance and continued on as if one of your lifelong dreams hadn't just been destroyed." Tom shrugged in a self-deprecating way and Archie put a hand on his face, "You hide behind your beauty and confidence, but underneath it you're not sure you deserve all of this. You let your dreams go like that because you think you're not worth all the fuss… because you're used to what you want not really mattering." Tom furrowed his brows.

"I never really thought about it." He shook his head slowly.

"No." Archie agreed, "You've always just survived… magnificently I might add. You've thrived, and you're brilliant. Not damaged or twisted or bitter." He took Tom's hand again, "But at the very core of you, there's this little doubt… this part of you that worries that you might, possibly be worthless, and so you sometimes go through life without the things you want the most, just in case you're really not worth all of this." Tom's brows furrowed and he looked down, "So you let one of your lifelong dreams go past you without a word of disappointment." Archie was glad for the late night phone call he'd had with Finn, it had helped him understand Tom's self-esteem issue so much better. Tom knew he was beautiful, but he also knew that that didn't mean he was worth something in any real sense.

"I didn't wanna ruin this trip for you." Tom answered with a shrug.

"The things that you want or need are never gonna ruin anything for me Tom." Archie answered, "You're the love of my life and if I can do anything to give you these things, it makes my day." Archie grinned as Tom bit his bottom lip and looked around again. "So I did this for you, because you deserve it." Archie could see, even in the dim light, Tom's eyes reddening with emotion as his eyes looked around the burial chamber and eventually landed back on Archie's face. "Even if you hadn't made my life an incredibly better place just by being in it, you would deserve happiness. Even if you hadn't made me a better man just by being you, you'd deserve everything you want and need."

"You're doing it now aren't you?" Tom's voice was thick with emotion as he realised just what Archie was doing. Archie smiled lovingly at him. That smile answered his question and a warmth spread through Tom.

"So here you are, somewhere you've always wanted to be. And here I am… exactly where I've always dreamed of being. And that's because of you." Tom bit his bottom lip; he had known this was coming but tears still came to his eyes. "You opened all my closed doors and took narrow hallways and broadened them into the width of galaxies… We're standing in one of the oldest structures of humanity's history… and I'm thinking about my future. And I can't see it without you being in it."

"Arch." Tom grinned like a fool and touched his face, "Same." He nodded his head, already saying yes to the question that was coming.

"You bring electricity into my very soul Tom; I can't fathom even existing without you. I'm in complete awe of you; every day you surprise and excite me, and every day you are my steady, stable rock." Archie let a small silence settle between them to steady his nerves, "I love you." He said simply, all his feelings channelled into those words, "Marry me alright?" He asked with pure honest emotion and opened up a box with a ring. Tom started nodding immediately, a huge grin on his face, before he grabbed Archie's face and kissed him while Archie fumbled to get the ring out of the box and onto his finger.

"Well it's official now; I'm gonna have to get into fisticuffs with a whole lot of politicians and conservative dickwads, but yeah, we'll get it done. And on the day they legalise it Archer, I am absolutely going to marry you!" They kissed again, Tom lifting Archie slightly this time, desperate to be closer to him, wanting to make love. "Show me this ring!" He exclaimed in an effort to cool his urges. It was a simple, elegant ring with squared edges and a square single gem. The gem wasn't big or garish, it was understated, with clean lines and a modern feel.

"White gold and ruby." Tom grinned, "That's my colour scheme." He sighed happily, "It's fucking perfect." He admired it happily and then his brows furrowed as Archie had known they would and he lit up the lanterns to their fullest looking at the ring closer.

"What is it?' Archie asked innocently.

"The metal's so shiny… is it silver or white gold?" He tried to figure it out but the gem caught his eye again. "Fuck the colour of this ruby is fucking intense." He said in awe, "So deep and rich… almost purple…"

"Yeah…" Archie said as if he were regretting the ring, trying to hide his huge grin, "It's not white gold and ruby…" Tom's brows furrowed as he looked up at Archie and then back down at the ring.

"You what?" He asked curiously, gazing at the beautiful piece of art on his finger.

"It's platinum and red diamond." The effect on Tom had been exactly what Archie had hoped for. His jaw had literally dropped and his right hand had instantly covered the ring protectively as a huge hiss of air was sharply inhaled in shock.

"Red diamonds are the rarest diamonds." Tom looked back down at the ring, his eyes huge with awe.

"The diamond was my grandfather's." Archie said, "His grandfather found it when he was doing some mining work." Archie explained, "Although getting it set in platinum did cost me a fucking bundle… but the fact that you're paying for all of this trip did help." Archie grinned.

"Wow." Tom was almost stunned into silence and Archie felt like he had no choice but to kiss him again.

It was some time before they stopped kissing and Tom stared into Archie's eyes happily, dreamily.

"I don't wanna leave this place…" He told Archie quietly, holding him close, "I didn't think I could get happier but it's you Archie… it's all you."

They barely made it back to Mohammed in time.

_'To Wish Impossible Things' by The Cure_

Rae didn't expect Phillip's mum to open the door; according to Phillip, she was usually off doing some sort of rich person's charity, networking thing. She looked Rae up and down, a piercing glance of sorrow in her eyes.

"Hi… I was just wondering if maybe I could see Phil?" Rae had decided to ditch spending her two free periods this afternoon in the library and instead drove over to see Phillip; he still wasn't at school. She had decided to come to see him after Chloe said he wasn't answering his phone. Rae hadn't tried to call him she didn't know why, but it just seemed wrong for their first contact after what happened in Lincoln to be over the phone.

Monday had been an interesting shade of annoying; Amy had started telling everyone that Rae and Phil had fucked at the drama camp and he wasn't showing up at school out of shame and embarrassment. Interestingly, no one believed the second half of the rumour, but absolutely everyone believed the first half; Phil's attraction to Rae had been well known for some time now. Rae had been panicked at what Finn would feel or say but he had surprised everyone by literally shrugging and laughing it off. At first.

For Rae, things had now drastically changed. Every girl that wasn't her friend seemed to either hate her, be jealous of her, wanted to know what her secret was, wanted to be her, or just didn't understand how she managed to get the two fittest lads in school. As for the guys, all the talk was of her incredible tits; the photos of her at the Summer Ball all went missing… they talked about her magic fanny… they talked about how fat girls give the best head… how she probably did anal… how they all wanted to try her out now. It was strange for Rae. She'd always wanted to be attractive to lads. But this was dehumanising at best, and given the fact that she had gotten 15 very explicit requests to perform various sexual acts before lunch alone, at worst it was sexual harassment.

At lunch time Finn had been crankier; he didn't like the way Rae was being treated, but most of the lads hadn't said a word to him. Lots of girls had offered up dating and sexual services to him to help heal his wounded ego and broken heart. Except he wasn't the slightest bit concerned about the rumours or their content, only Rae. And Phil a little bit too. The lads that had tried to talk to Finn were his school mates; and they had all clamoured to give support, and find out the juicy details. But Finn was as silent as he usually was on things like this. He detested rumours and wouldn't feed into them in anyway. He had wanted to simply ignore them, but seeing what was happening to Rae made him think he might have to say something this time; even though Rae had asked him not to, believing it'd only add fuel to the fire. At least the rumours had proven to Rae that Finn probably was ok with everything. The way he had reclined in drama as Bryn asked him about it and cocked an eyebrow at him before shrugging was everything Rae had needed to know he was coping just fine with the whole Phil issue at present. He had turned to look at her with a grin and she had known she had to be strong and get through these rumours the best she could; they'd die down in time, and at the end of it, her and Finn would be just as strong as ever.

Phillip's mother opened the door wider for Rae slowly and nodded for her to come in. Rae swallowed hard and stepped in, not sure what to expect from this woman.

"You're Rae." She asserted gently and Rae nodded, "I wondered if you'd come to see if he was ok." She led Rae through the house towards Phil's room, "During the first few days the fever was quite intense. He was delirious." She spoke calmly and Rae followed silently, "He spoke about you often." She turned and looked at Rae and Rae had to lower her eyes, seeing that piercing sorrow in her eyes again. She took Rae in for a moment, her thoughts on the matter a complete mystery before she turned and continued up the stairs to Phil's room.

She opened the door and Rae saw Phil lounging lazily across his bed, over the covers, one arm over his head, the hand holding onto the bedhead languidly. His other hand held the remote control to his tv at his hip, his legs stretched out, his left foot ticking with irritation as he flicked channels aimlessly. And he wore nothing but his fitted boxers, his slender, muscled body stretched out perfectly, nonchalantly, as he completely ignored the opened door. Rae could see he had lost weight since she had last seen him. She was surprised that she knew his body well enough to see that his waist was smaller still. He'd always been thin through the waist, but this was verging on too thin.

"Phil, show some decency; put some clothes on." His mother gently admonished. And Phil raised his eyes towards the opened door for the first time. His foot stopped ticking immediately as his eyes fell on Rae, lingered painfully and flicked away instantly.

"She's seen it before." He shrugged and watched the tv resolutely, the channel flicking increasing in speed sightly. His mother's mouth opened in surprise.

"It's a drama thing, we have to get ready real quick in change rooms sometimes…" Rae lied and Phil shook his head slightly, clearly not caring what his mother thought about the topic.

"Right." She answered unconvinced and blinked a few times before turning away and heading back down the stairs without another word. Rae watched her go, not knowing how to take her actions.

"She's pretending none of this happened." Phil said without looking away from the tv, "she's good at that." Rae stood in the doorway and looked at him, trying to think of what to say.

"I were worried about you." She said softly. She saw him bite the inside of his cheek and he paused in his flicking of the channels.

"It's just the flu Rae… nothing so dramatic as to require a visit." She noticed the stubble on his face for the first time; he clearly hadn't shaved in the nearly 2 weeks since she'd last seen him. She had to stop her eyes from crawling down his naked torso and looked away. She heard the channel change again.

"Is there nothing good on?" She came into his room and closed the door. Phil's eyes shot to her momentarily and returned to the tv.

"Not really." He cleared his throat and resisted the urge to bite his bottom lip. He could smell her deodorant as she sat on the edge of his king size bed silently, looking at the tv. He looked at the side of her face as she watched the tv as he flicked the channels aimlessly. He wanted to touch her, to kiss her, to hold her, to make love to her. Phil had to look away again. It was painful to look at her. His whole body ached for her. He wanted to whisper all the thoughts he'd had about her these past 12 days. All the thoughts of love, the poetry his soul had birthed for her. Even in the midst of his delirium, his illness, his heartbreak… all he could think of was how much he loved her. He could not fathom his life without her in it. He made himself look back at her face. She was looking at him, a concerned expression in those eyes of hers. Phil immediately looked away.

"How'd it go with the comedy duologues?" He asked, studiously looking at his door, acutely aware of his semi-nudity and her closeness.

"The twins won." Rae answered and Phil nodded slowly.

"I was hoping you and… I was hoping you'd win that one as well." Phil answered softly.

"We tied for first place." Phil's eyes shot to her, a congratulatory grin on his face. But seeing her made his heart hurt, and he was sure she'd see the open wound in his chest if he kept looking at her. She watched his eyes dart away again.

"Congratulations Rae." His voice was soft and husky, "You deserved it."

"It's hard for you to look at me." She stated sadly. Phil's first instinct was to protect Rae from his own feelings; but that would require lying to her. And he didn't want to do that. He hesitated to reply, unsure of what to say.

"Right at this moment, it is." He answered as gently as he could, deciding that honesty would be best.

"Do you need me to go?" He heard the raw emotion in her voice and felt himself responding to it. Wanting to take her into his arms to comfort her, hating that his words and actions had caused that pain. But he knew he couldn't comfort her.

"Yes." He tried to sound resolute. It would be easier in some ways if he never saw her again. But much harder in most ways if he didn't. "No." He answered hurriedly, his eyes shooting back to her face. "Fuck." He whispered and looked away. Rae sat still, his differing reactions coming too close together for her to have time to respond in any way. "I don't know what I need." He said slowly, his eyes on the floor. "That's a lie." He knew exactly what, or rather who, he needed. He turned his eyes to her, and made himself keep looking at her for a few moments before painfully lowering his eyes and slowly sitting up.

As soon as he moved from lying to sitting, the careful truce he had made with the phlegm in his lungs gave way and he started coughing violently. Rae's face went from concerned to outright worry when she heard the wet nature of his cough; his lungs were obviously full. Half of the drama class was starting to come down with it and she'd heard Izzy, Elsa and Sam coughing away over this past week at school, but Phil sounded much worse; liked he'd gotten the worst of the drama influenza outbreak. He reached towards his bedside table; his whole body looking like it might break from the force of the coughs. He had seemed so un-sick just a few minutes ago; she realised it was just his usual self control. Rae jumped up and went to the bedside table, handing him a tissue and then seeing that he was actually reaching for the empty glass, realised he wanted water. She grabbed the glass and went to his ensuite, filling it up and returning to him as quickly as she could. She sat beside him, putting her arm around his bare shoulders she handed him the glass and tried to steady him as he drank. She could feel the heat emanating off him and realised he was actually still quite feverish. Rae rubbed his back trying to help the phlegm come up and fretted that he still needed to see a doctor.

After a while the coughing settled and he took a few deep, rattling breaths before almost collapsing back onto the bed, sweating and exhausted, his chest raising painfully. Without a thought Rae laid down next to him, cradling his sweating head in her arms and watched him as his eyes closed slowly, his breaths still too laboured for her liking. They lay in silence for a while.

"I ache Rae." He whispered.

"I hear the flu does that to you." She whispered back, knowing that he didn't mean the aching body influenza was known to cause. He meant the ache in his body from not having her.

"Yeah." He didn't open his eyes, but instead curled up into her, still too sick to even think straight. She pulled him closer, hoping she could help him feel better just by being there. Rae watched him slowly open his eyes and look at her. She felt his body gasp, even as he kept his face still, his voice silent. He lowered his eyes again, but immediately raised them to hers. He bit the inside of his mouth and made himself work through the breathless pain of looking at her.

"You alright now?" She asked putting her hand on his forehead and feeling the fever lingering. But he smiled fondly.

"Yeah, I got what I needed." His voice was barely audible. "Much better now." His eyes dropped to her lips, and Rae felt her own eyes drop to his, before a change came over him and he slowly, and with very obvious regret, extricated himself from her and sat up; the coughing starting again, but less fiercely this time. She sat up and rubbed his back again and got him the glass of water. "Thanks." He gasped between coughs.

"That's what friends do." Rae tried to make her voice sound surer than she was. He nodded slowly and kept his eyes trained on his door.

"Yeah." He answered, also trying to make his voice sound surer than he was about that assertion about friendship; he couldn't remember laying in the arms, staring longingly, lovingly into the eyes of any of his other friends. Rae looked around the room and saw on the table at the end of the room there were several canvases out, and several paint pots. She got up and walked over to the canvases, Phil watched her go and furrowed his brows; he couldn't properly remember what the artwork was he had been working on. Rae picked up the half-finished painting and stared at for a long time. It was very obviously her face, done in strong confident lines in minute, perfect detail. She looked at the painting under it; a more abstract artwork in dark colours with a slash of red through the centre. It made her think of painful open wounds and deep, deep depression. She looked at it and felt an intense and aching sense of loss. Phil got up and had to take a moment to steady himself; he still felt weak and standing was difficult. He shambled over to her and sat on the desk. Rae noticed how pale his face was, and in this light, she could see how much weight he'd lost off his face too. Her brows furrowed but Phil was looking at the art. He took the abstract artwork from her; it was a painting of the hole in his chest. She didn't need to see that one. But Rae had understood exactly what the painting had been off the moment she'd seen it.

She had always admired how precise Phil was. How his movements were controlled. Years of fencing lessons, violin, piano, chess, tennis and especially theatre… lessons upon lessons had taught him self-refrain and exceptional self-control. His body moved to exactly where he wanted it to be and no further; he had absolute control over his limbs and facial expressions. But the past few times she'd seen him he had been losing grip of that control. He could not hide just how sick he was from her, even though he tried. And he could not hide his deep sorrow, his grief and loss, even though the blasé way he grinned at the artwork in his hands was meant to mask the obvious pain the painting depicted; hide the obvious pain he was in.

"D'you wanna see the paintings I did of you?" He asked as he shifted the canvases and pulled out three large canvases, still carefully wrapped in bubble wrap. He carefully, lovingly unwrapped the first one and held it up to her. "It's better from a distance." He told her as her mouth opened in surprise. Just like Finn he had managed to capture her faithfully, but somehow made her look stunningly beautiful.

"This is an oil painting?" She already knew the answer before Phil nodded. He didn't understand how meaningful that was to her; he hadn't heard what Liam had done to her. But he could see how important it was to her and put it on the ground so he could unwrap the next one for her. He watched her as he carefully unwrapped it, he could see how moved she was, that she was close to tears. But he did not speak about it if she didn't want to. He unwrapped all three oil paintings and let Rae take them in.

"They're beautiful." She told him simply, taken aback by how he saw her. She could see the love in every single brush stroke. Exactly the same as how she could see the love in every single line of Finn's drawings.

"You do know what the obvious response to that is, right?" He asked with a wry grin that she couldn't help but return.

"I do, yes." She answered and returned her gaze to the paintings, "Why have you got them all wrapped up?"

"I don't want anyone else to see them. They're quite precious to me." He stooped and looked away, "They're some of my best work." He tried to excuse what he had just said. "I'll put them up when I own my own home." He answered with a sure nod of his head.

"In the bedroom?" Rae asked; meaning that that would be the most private room in the house, but realising too late what else it could mean. Phil looked up at her and slowly nodded.

"I suppose that would be the best place for them." He answered, his eyes resting on her face and not moving. He found that he could handle the pain quit well now; he welcomed it even, because it meant she was near him, and he could feel his body fizzing with joy as he let his eyes really take her in.

"Until you get a girlfriend and she wonders who this fat bird you been painting is." He watched her as she started to wrap them up carefully, her eyes lingering on them before starting her work. He let her do it, because he was exhausted and weak. He hadn't eaten much over the last 12 days, partially from being ill with the flu, and partially because of a deep depression that had overtaken his mind. But seeing her had brought parts of him back to life. He felt his stomach growl and was glad it wasn't making too much noise; he didn't want her to know just how hungry he was.

"I wouldn't be in any sort of monogamous relationship with anyone Rae." Phil answered, "And I if I were, I'd make it clear to her that…" He stopped and his tongue went to his back teeth as he forced himself not to say the words. He'd make it clear to anyone he was with that if Rae asked him to go to her, he would. Rae sat on the table beside him silently.

"I don't want your whole life ruined over this." She said softly, deeply emotional about what he had said. "I think it'd be nice for you to have a girl that loved you like you deserve. A girl that was all yours."

"If I were to ever be in a relationship Rae, it wouldn't be monogamous." He repeated, "I'd be polyamorous, because with polyamory, you don't have to say no to someone in order to say yes to someone else." He looked at her meaningfully and then looked away. "I'm sorry." He whispered, "That was… bitter."

"It's alright." Rae said sadly, "I wish…" She stopped, wondering if she should say this stuff to him, "I wish I could do it Phil." She looked up at him, "I really do… if I could, I really would. You have no idea." She lowered her eyes, "Well I suppose you actually really do have an idea." She sighed, "It's just not me, I can't… I'm so sorry Phil."

"Don't be sorry Rae." His hand twitched to touch her face, but he grabbed onto the edge of the table instead, "It's fine. You gotta do what's right for you… that's what I want for you…" His hand left the table and slightly reached for her before he got it under control this time. He looked away. "I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself."

"Which is also fine." Rae told him and took his hand and put it on her face, "You can still touch me Phil. Friends touch." He turned his eyes to hers and he let his fingers linger on her beautiful face for a moment before gently nodding and putting his hand back on the desk. Friends touched… but not like that. "Say what's in your head Phil." Rae said in the silence that followed, worried by the unreadable expression on his face. Phil gave a silent scoff in reply, shaking his head slightly.

"I can't do that." He whispered.

"Please."

"I love you." His eyes returned to hers. "That's what's in my head." He answered her, "That's all that's in my head." He looked away, "But I know that's a no go zone, so I can't… do this…"

"No." Rae answered with very clear regret that made Phil look back up at her.

"I want, so very much, to be with you Rae. I want to touch you again so much that I think I'll die from it." He shook his head and looked away, "But I won't be the sort of man that ignores your no. I told you I'd respect your decision. And somehow… I will."

"Of course you will Phil… you're too good a man not to."

"Ah but Rae… I've still got so many dirty cards up my sleeves I could play…" He said with a sad smile, "and I don't wanna be that guy Rae. But the thought's there… and I don't like that. I wanna respect you and your decisions not… continue chasing you when you've said no." He got off the table and looked up at the ceiling, "But how can I give up on you? How can I give up on love? My instinct is always gonna be to try and be with you. I love you like you're a part of me and it feels like I'm missing something vital to myself." He felt the open wound in his chest again and looked longingly at his bed; he was exhausted and he wanted to hold her again, "Which is of course utterly ridiculous," He added, taking his mind from the thought of how she felt in his arms, "you are your own person, not a part of me… But the feeling persists…." He sighed deeply and shambled back to his bed.

"I'm sorry." She got off the table and followed him.

"Don't ever be sorry for choosing what's right for you." Phil said firmly as he arranged his pillows and sat down on his bed. "I love you, and I need for you to be happy, and only you can choose what will make you happy." Rae sat on his bed again, kicking her shoes off and crossing her legs and watching his face as he talked, "I couldn't be happier that you did the right thing by you… I just so wish that the right thing by you, had been me." He lowered his eyes and again became acutely aware of his naked body. But clothes made his fever unbearable, so he didn't even consider covering up. "So… don't be sorry… but I do need a little more time before I can be around you and not declare my love for you instantly."

"Well…" Rae considered this for a moment, "don't turn yourself inside out too much for me Phil. Too be honest, I don't mind if you do tell me, alright? Cos I love you too… So it's no use pretending it doesn't exist. We can only move forward by being honest, not by repressing everything." Phil nodded slowly and leaned back on his pillows.

"Well I love you and nothing's changed with me, I want to be with you. But… but you've made your choice." He looked at her thoughtfully, "and I will live with it."

"But you look so unhappy." Rae answered sadly. "What can I do to help make you happy?" Phil gave her a look and she lowered her eyes.

"Just give it time Rae." He answered reassuringly.

"What can we do to speed up time… make you feel more better right now?"

"Find a cure for influenza." Phil joked with a straight face. Rae shook he head but still grinned at his joke. "There's really only two things that might make me feel better right now Rae… and neither of them are acceptable courses of action."

"Why?"

"Because they're both bad for you." He answered honestly.

"I can take it." Rae answered trying to sound more confident than she felt. Maybe Phil needed to yell at her, or not talk to her for a month; she'd already lived through that with Finn. "Let me do something for you."

"Alright." He said with a barely contained cynical tone. "The first thing that I could do to make myself feel better is refuse to give up. Keep trying to be with you instead of back off and just be there for you if you need me. I could definitely push for polyamory; I honestly believe that there's a way in there." He looked up at her and smiled sadly, "But I don't wanna be that guy. I promised you, and Finn, that I'd respect your answer. And you gave it to me. I really do wanna respect your wishes. So that's that one out." Rae watched him silently as he spoke, his eyes looking down at his fingers, "And the other thing I could do, that might make me feel better… or at least make it all easier… is leave." Rae's mouth opened in shock and horror at the idea. She wanted to instantly say 'no' but managed to hold her tongue. "I could very easily finish my schooling in London." He shrugged, "but you said you wanted to be friends." His eyes stayed on his hands, not wanting to see the expression on her face, just in case she wanted him to go. "I kinda got the impression you didn't want me to go anywhere." He thought about how many times she had asked for nothing to changer between them and looked up at her to see her face filled with emotion.

"Is that what you need?" She asked almost silently. "Do you need to leave?" There was a long silence. Phil's eyes stayed on Rae's sorrow filled face.

"I don't know Rae." He could barely speak. In her mind, Rae started to sort out what she should say to him; that if he needed to go he should. And their friendship would be waiting for him when he was ready. She took a deep breath ready to say this to him; to be a good friend and give him the support he so obviously needed.

"Don't go." The words that slipped from her mouth surprised her and she shook her head. "I'm sorry." She chided herself for being so heartless and selfish, "I mean… if you need to go… if that's what's best for you." A tear slid down her cheek and Rae was stunned at her own inability to control herself; she was nothing like Phillip in this regard. She wiped it away quickly, fiercely; she would be supportive of his needs. "Our friendship will be waiting for you when you're ready." She finished with a crack in her voice. Phillip looked at her face momentarily and let out a deep breath as if he had been punched in the stomach as he looked away from her. But Rae saw the tear slip from his eye before he had turned his face away. He grabbed a tissue and wiped his nose, subtly wiping his eyes as well, keeping his face turned from her. He took a sip of water to clear his voice; he knew it would waver with emotion if he spoke now. Rae noticed that the glass was nearly empty and got up to refill it.

While she was in the ensuite Phil stared at the ceiling and tried to get his emotions in check. He thought about leaving. He wasn't sure that it would help. The truth was that the last time he had left to try and free himself of his love for her, he had deluded himself into thinking it was working. It hadn't been. In reality he had been thinking about her and missing her every day. The distance had only given him perspective and had made him understand she would probably stay with Finn; it had done nothing to lessen his feelings for her. It might be easy not seeing her for a while. But he knew he'd miss her, and knew he'd have to come back to her eventually. No matter where his life took him he'd need regular contact with Rae. He was useless without her.

Rae had to take a moment to look in the mirror and give herself a stern, but silent, talking to before returning to Phil with the glass of water. He thanked her and she sat back down on the bed this time next to him, again to help him if he needed it with the water. Neither of them looked at the other for the moment. When Phil finally felt steady he looked up at her sad face.

"I'll be fine as long as I can see you happy Rae." He said softly.

"It's so unfair." Rae answered, her eyes downcast.

"I can handle it." He shrugged, "It's my choice." Part of her wanted to give Phil some hope; she couldn't handle seeing him like this. But she wondered if that was just more cruel. She wondered if it wouldn't just be kinder to completely kill this thing and tell him to go to London; tell him she had been mistaken about the way she felt for him. Phil watched her as she agonised over what to say. "You're wondering whether to give me hope or kill it." He said softly and Rae raised her eyes to his.

"You know me far too well…"

"It's because… you know why." He lowered his eyes, not wanting to make her feel guilty by continuously telling her how he felt about her. "Just tell me the truth." He raised his eyes to her, "Whatever you're debating over in your head, tell me the truth of it. Don't worry about my levels of hope… that's for me to worry about."

"The truth…" She said shaking her head. "What is the truth?" She asked herself. There was a long silence while Phil tried to not look at her face; he seemed to be unable to look away from her now. She was the most stunning human being on the planet. "The truth." She whispered. "The truth is that there is some hope that maybe in the future… the very far distant future, that Finn and me, might… maybe consider…" Rae paused, not really sure how to word this; what had Finn really meant when he'd talked about all of this stuff?

"Polyamory?"

"Or threesomes, or opening up the relationship in some way…" She shrugged, not sure how to explain it. "But Phil, you have to understand… I'm not ready for that now… and I may never be…"

"I understand." Phil didn't allow his facial expression to change; he wanted to let her sort through what she was saying without the pressure of his feelings on her.

"But you know Finn… I guess, there's this general feel from him that it wouldn't be a deal breaker if we were both ok with it. And I suppose I agree." Rae furrowed her brows, "I do agree." She corrected, "It's just… I've got so much stuff inside o' me to deal with Phil… I don't know if I could handle something like that." She said it apologetically and Phil shook his head.

"You don't have to. You never have to do something you don't wanna do for me. Ever."

"I dunno Phil." Rae shook her head because part of her wanted to do it. "I dunno." She whispered. "But either way, it's not gonna be any time soon… you shouldn't wait around for the very slim possibility that one day I might be ok to do that sort o' thing…"

"I understand." Phil reassured her, "Don't worry, I'll live my life to the fullest while I'm wait-"

"Don't wait." She cut him off and their eyes met. Silence enveloped them as Rae tried to stop herself from asking him to wait however long it took; maybe even a lifetime. She chided herself for being selfish and foolish and not a good girlfriend to Finn and not a good friend to Phil.

"Rae…" Phil said softly but firmly, "I reiterate; wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, whoever I'm with. You call and I will come." He saw the moment of relief on her face before sadness and conflicted emptions took over. She needed him; he was staying in Stamford for now. "Whatever you need me for." He reassured her, "Your friend, a secondary partner to Finn in a polyamorous situation, someone to scratch an itch." He realised that they had both started to slowly lean into each other, and knew he should stop it; they were friends, "Someone to use for the night when you argue with him." Phil's eyes again dropped to her lips, "anyway you need me… you've got me." His eyes went back up to Rae's and they both stopped, just centimetres apart and Phil made himself do the right thing, "You know, as chauffer, a study buddy. All that stuff too." He gently stroked her hair out of her face and made his fingertips not linger on the soft skin of her face before he slowly leaned back into his pillows.

"And what do you get out of this." She sounded breathless and Phil was glad he still had an effect on her.

"Your friendship is what I get out of it… Time with you."

"But that kinda tortures you Phil."

"It does." He agreed, "But like I said girl, I'll take you anyway I can get you."

"This is so unfair." Rae's voice was small and emotional.

"You aren't responsible for my feelings or my situation, I am." He told her, "Don't you worry about my feelings, or Finn's! You're not in charge of the way either of us feel, or what we choose to do. You're only responsible for you. So just be you…" He finished softly, "Stumble your way through all this confusing stuff, and stay true to you and how you feel."

"I can't let you spend the rest of your life-"

"Let me?" Phil sked with a bemused grin.

"I know I don't get a say…"

"No you don't. How I feel belongs to me, not you. And vice versa. You get a say about your feelings and what you're gonna do with them." He said the words firmly and Rae nodded. "So own how you feel Rae. It's all anyone ever gets to own in this world. And don't try to own mine or Finn's or anyone else's."

"I just worry."

"I know. Because you're a good person. But you can't change the way other's feel. You never can. So let it go." He spoke gently, reassuringly.

"I can't stand the idea of you being miserable cos you love-" Rae stopped herself from saying it. Phil nodded slowly.

"Let's be clear Rae, I'm not gonna be mooning over you and following you around. We're friends, that's all, nothing else…" He looked her in the eye, "but if you ever… ever give the word…"

"I understand."

"But… just a heads up… it might take me a while to figure out exactly where the friendship line is…"

"Don't worry," Rae reassured him, "I think that line is pretty blurred with us."

"Well we'll endeavour to make it clearer." Phil said with a grim smile.

"Aye I s'pose." Rae answered glumly, "Not sure how successful we'll be"

"Why's that?"

"Because I wish I were ready for polyamory Phil…" Phillip looked at her, surprised by her words. He felt an almost irresistible urge to kiss her and bit his bottom lip to stop himself. "Like I said; I'm not sure about saying no to you. But I am sure about Finn… But he… he said it's not a deal breaker… and you… Phil you're… my feelings for you…" She shook her head, unable to get her words out properly, "But right now… I'm just not ready for it. I've got too many issues. And to be completely honest Phil, I very much like Finn and I together with no one else involved. And I don't know how you would fit into that. But…" Her eyes pierced his, "But…" There was a long silence as they sat staring each other, Rae's eyes dropping to Phil's lips more than once. Slowly Phillip nodded.

"I understand." His voice was think with emotion.

"Do you?" She almost whimpered.

"5 years or 55 years Rae… however long it takes… you say the word."

"What if I'm never ready?"

"Then you're never ready." He took her hand and let his thumb run over her palm. "Rae, you told me a flat out no. So as far as I know, there is literally no hope for us ever happening. But I'll still wait for you. I can't not wait for you." He said honestly, "I'll get on with my life, do the things I gotta do… find my happiness where I can. But I'm yours, you know. And I'll love you till the end of my life. And beyond if there's a beyond." She closed her fingers around his tightly, "So we'll be mates. And I will completely cherish our friendship. And I'll be here for you in whatever way you need, knowing that it will never go any further, no matter how much I want it to, and completely unable to be anything other than yours. You tell me now that there's a slim chance that maybe one day… it doesn't change anything for me, the plan is still the same and I'm just as much yours now as I was when you said no. And I'll still be just your friend, as you wish."

"Phil-" Her voice croaked with tears.

"Don't feel bad Rae. I don't want you, or even Finn to have any bad feelings over this."

"I wanna see you happy Phillip."

"And you will."

"Just not as happy as you could be." There was a silence.

"No." Phil agreed, "We'll most probably never see me as happy as I could be." He shrugged, "I accept that."

"You're such a good person Phil." Rae lowered her eyes, "You know you could push it… you know you could convince me to do it."

"Because you love me." Phil said slowly, "Because part of you wants this, wants me…" He narrowed his eyes slightly, "Yes, I could use that against you to get what I want." He smiled grimly, "But what kind of person would that make me?" He asked simply, "Not the man you love, that's for sure." He shrugged, "So I'd get to have you for a while. But at what cost? You'd stop loving me because I wouldn't be a good man anymore… and we'd both regret it." He lowered his eyes, "And I won't have anything between us be a regret Rae. Not after… what we had in Lincoln." Rae lowered her eyes and nodded her head. She took a moment to gather her thoughts.

"I am very lucky to have you…" Rae said softly, "as a friend." She made herself add. She laced her arms around his waist and he hugged her back fiercely. She felt how thin he was and pushed him back roughly.

"What?" He asked bewildered, "friends hug, right? Or did I push it?"

"You're so thin!" She exclaimed angrily, and she saw the bewildered panic leave his eyes.

"You had me worried then!" He told her with a small smile, "I thought it was something serious."

"It is!" She said with an angry flair in her eyes and Phil had to stop himself grinning, "You need to eat." She commanded.

"I'm not hungry Rae." He shrugged.

"Phillip!" She said in a warning tone.

"I've got influenza and I'm heartbroken, give me a fucking break girl!" He chuckled and shook his head.

"You told me that you'd give me whatever I needed until the day you died." Rae said staunchly, determined to get Phil back on the right path. His demeanour became suddenly serious.

"I did." He replied.

"I need for you to be ok Phil." She quite suddenly put her hands on his face, and looked deeply into his eyes. Phil's breath caught in his throat. "Do you hear me you daft fuck?" She put her forehead on his, "I need for you be ok." Phil closed his eyes and soaked in the moment before he slowly nodded. "So you eat."

"Alright." He whispered.

"And you're gonna call me every single day that you're not at school. Understood? And you're gonna tell me, honestly, how you're going."

"Alright." He agreed softly. She kissed his forehead and Phil's ache for her actually grew.

"Alright then." She grinned and took in his face. "Don't make me have to kick your arse again." He nodded slowly.

"Well with that in mind…" Phil said with a grin, "Piss off you, I've got influenza and I'm fucking exhausted. I need to sleep, and unless you're gonna lie down with me…" He cocked his eyebrow cheekily, with a resigned knowing grin; he knew she wasn't staying to sleep beside him.

"Alright." She got up off his bed. "I'll be either seeing you or hearing from you tomorrow, alright?"

"I promise." He answered.

"And give Chloe a ring, she's worrying about you."

"I will." Phil answered, "After a nap." Rae leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, the corner of her mouth brushing the corner of his for a moment before she pulled back and smiled at him. "See you." Phil watched her leave his room, his hand creeping up to his cheek where she had kissed him. He curled up in his bed, feeling ridiculously unwell and sad; his mind swirling with the thought of her, every word she had said, every look she gave. His emotion was overwhelming and he felt his wide open chest wound gaping and aching. But when he felt his stomach grumble, he knew he would eat something at dinner time tonight; he had promised.

Rae walked as silently as she could down the stairs, aiming to get to the door and out of the house without seeing Phil's mother again. She crept into the lounge room, her eyes on the front door.

"When he fell in love I had hoped it would be with someone who would love him the way he deserves." Rae jumped and turned to see her sitting on the couch with a glass of wine in her hand. She looked longingly at the door again and then back to Mrs Seymour.

"That's what I want for him too." She was going to be as honest as she could with his mother.

"But you do love him the way he deserves…" She narrowed her eyes as Rae's scrambled to think of what to say, "You just love this Finn boy as well." Rae tried not to fidget nervously; she couldn't read Phil's mother at all.

"Yes." Rae admitted the truth to her in a small voice.

"So why did you choose him over my son?" She asked and leaned forward, her eyes boring into Rae. Rae bit her bottom lip and heard the silence between them growing. Part of her, the part that Chloe and Rhys had been influencing, wanted to tell Mrs Seymour that it was none of her business, that she didn't need to explain herself to a nosy woman that barely showed any interest in her own son normally. But Rae found herself opening her mouth, thinking of the right words to say; the most truthful words.

"Well, Finn and I have a history of…" Rae watched as Mrs Seymour leaned back in her seat, clearly unimpressed, "both pain and love that I can't ignore." Rae pressed on, "We've built something amazing together. And I love him so much that I can't imagine my life without him." Mrs Seymour nodded slowly and walked over to Rae.

"Tell me Rae, can you imagine your life without my son?" She asked it almost pleasantly, her hands folded in front of her in a very ladylike manner. Rae was afraid to answer, afraid of what this woman would say or do.

"No." She almost whispered. "I can't." There was a silence and Mrs Seymour slowly raised her hand to touch Rae's face, near her chin, as if appraising her.

"What a difficult position for you to be in."

"Worse for them." Rae said instantly. It was true, "Worst for Phil." Rae looked back to the stairs, knowing Phil was up there in his room.

"Yes." She answered softly, "It is." Her thumb moved over Rae's skin slowly, "You had your momentary fairy tale with him. A few days together, in love. But at what cost to him? To my son?" Her eyes accused Rae mercilessly and Rae had to lower her eyes to try and escape that glare. "Did you stop to think about that?"

"I did… but…"

"But you did it anyway?" She raised Rae's face so she could look into her eyes, "You can rest assured, Rae Earl, that I will be spending as much time as I can spare, letting my son know that he can do much better than you." Rae felt her stomach knot as the vitriol in Mrs Seymour's voice rose a notch, "And then you will have to have your life without him in it. A life where you don't get to lead him on and get what you want from him with no thought for him…" Rae felt her breath catch in her throat, tears in her eyes, "and he will thrive without you." She asserted and let go of Rae's face, wiping her fingers together as if she had touched something particularly distasteful. "Please leave." She turned from Rae, not giving her another look, "And don't come back."

_'Golden Brown' by The Stranglers_

"Are's air are are are are are are are where." Rae read over her dada monologue. She had to perform her's tomorrow. Finn had done his today without dropping one line. "Are there any hair where are are are are air."

"You's sounds like a fucking vocal exercise sometimes girl." Finn sneered at the script; as he read it he decided hers was a bit harder than his had been.

"I know." She groaned. Finn had offered to go down in between lines, just like she had done for him, but Rae had said that was far too distracting. Finn was now in the mood for messing around. Rae however had picked up an extra subject this year, she lamented over how foolish that idea had been; she had far less free time now, and too much homework. And going out to visit Phil instead of doing homework had put her behind.

Finn tried to focus on his physics homework. He was meant to be creating an experiment that would measure Faraday electro-magnetic fields in a moving wire to examine harmonics. They got to create their own experiment, and Finn wanted to play with his guitar; the homework practically wrote itself. His teacher had written he was practically a genius on the last assignment he'd done. Finn had looked perplexed at the comment and shown Rae. He'd always gotten decent marks for science and maths, but now that he was doing his homework and putting a little effort in, his marks for physics had become flawless; he'd gotten a lot of 100% marks for the topic. English though was still giving him headaches. He loved it a lot more now, but he still had to work very hard for the fairly decent marks he got. Archie had once called him a stereotype; he was good at the stereotypical subjects boys were good at and bad at the ones boys were stereotypically bad at. He didn't mind; he was just good at what he was good at. And now he was getting better at things he hadn't been good at before. Principal Dixon had had a chat with him, commending him on his effort and work; he had gone from a mediocre student at best, to one of the best students in the College. Finn was even doing his PE homework, even though he'd already passed this class, because the idea of not doing his homework actually seemed odd to him now.

Rae's marks had remained steady, and she was mostly happy with College. She was mostly happy in general. It was nice to be that way. Even though there were sad things in her life, her general outlook on life had lifted and she felt a wonderful kind of contentment inside. Except for when she thought about Phillip for too long. Then the contentment was swirled up with a whole lot of sorrow.

"D'you think you're ready for your performance?" Finn asked and Rae sighed.

"Maybe." She scrunched up her nose, "if we was allowed to drop a line, yes, cos this shit is easy to improvise. But being word perfect with a dada script is not easy, it's actually an awful idea, and I think we should have words with the course curriculum."

"I'll head butt it for you if you like?" He grinned.

"Oh that's nice." She grinned back at him and thought to all that time ago when he had head butted a guy at the pub because he'd been a jerk to her. He'd told her afterwards that he might try head butting everyone that was a jerk to her. She sighed happily and settled into his arms as they laid back on the bed. "When I think back to you head butting that guy in that pub… go' we've both changed so much."

"In some ways." Finn agreed.

"In which ways not?" Rae looked up at him and he grinned cheekily.

"I'd still head butt that fucker." She chuckled and held him tighter.

"I'd maybe do it first now." Finn laughed at that and Rae hit his arm in protest. "I am a much harder woman now." She informed him seriously.

"Oh aye!" He answered cheerily, "You most definitely are."

"So the why the laughter?" She asked in mock outrage and sat up, looking down at him as he laid on her bed with a huge cheeky grin.

"Can you imagine you head butting someone?" Rae couldn't hold the straight face anymore and started to laugh.

"Alright… I might have to get Rhys to show me how." She said, pretending to sulk, "Or you…"

"I never learned how." Finn admitted, "I think it's just something some people know how to do."

"You that kind of lad huh?" Rae snuggled back into his arms.

"Oh aye!" He chuckled, "Neanderthal through and through." He happily wrapped his arms back around her, "Just ask your boyfriend." He teased and she looked up at him with real surprise. "Too soon for that?" He asked and she shook her head slowly as she sat up again to look at him.

"Phil is not my boyfriend." She said seriously and Finn furrowed his brows.

"I know Rae." He answered, "I'm sorry. I thought… you know, maybe if I joked about it you'd finally believe I was alright." She touched his face gently and lowered her eyes.

"I think you two lads are doing much better with everything than I am." She thought about Phil and then shook her head, "No that's a lie." She said, "I think you're doing the best out of all three of us." She told him and he nodded.

"I know." He stroked her face.

"I saw Phil today." She stayed sitting up, gauging his expressions.

"How is he?" Finn asked with genuine concern.

"He's got influenza."

"Him and practically everyone else." Finn answered.

"He's still getting fevers and… he sounds like half the fucking ocean's in his lungs." Finn pulled a worried face as she spoke, "It doesn't bother you that I went and saw him?"

"Yes and no." Finn answered and Rae lowered her eyes. "No, cos you can go visit your friends, whenever you want, you don't need my permission, you know that right?" She nodded her head slowly, "Yes, cos Saul is still out there… and we keep going over this territory of you not going off on your own."

"I'm sorry." She whispered. "I don't know why I keep doing it." She furrowed her brows, "I do try to do the right thing, but it's like I forget; I just get too caught up in the other things I'm doing…"

"It's alright for as long as he's not around, but as soon as he is then-" Finn stopped dead in his tracks as the lights went out. The room was completely dark. They stared into the dark in silence for a moment and then Rae started laughing. Finn had to chuckle.

"Well that fucked up your serious talk." Rae giggled.

"Aye." Finn muttered and grabbed his lighter from his pocket. He got up and, lighting the way with his lighter, checked outside. "Looks like the whole street's down." He told her. "You got some candles?"

"I've only got a few up here, but there's more in the downstairs airing cupboard."

"Alright, I'll go get 'em."

"Better hurry afore mum gets 'em all!" Rae grinned into the darkness at him. Finn could hear the grin in her voice and grinned in reply.

"Well we only need a few, so I won't have to battle her to the death for 'em." Finn said as he left the room. Rae watched the little glow of light from his lighter, creating a silhouette of him as he moved away from her towards the stairs.

As soon as he was out of sight it was pitch black in the room. Rae laid on the bed staring at the ceiling, unable to see it and wishing her eyes would hurry up and adjust.

And then there was a slight scratching noise from above her. Rae sat up, her eyes fixed on the ceiling, still completely unable to see. She wasn't sure that she had heard right and she paused, waiting to see if it would happen again.

She waited, and all she could hear was Finn and her mum talking softly downstairs. Probably figuring out what to do about dinner. She was about to lie back down, shrugging of the noise to her imagination and her slight fear of the dark, when it happened again. She sat bolt upright and trained her ears to hear the slightest noise. Another slight scratching noise and a bump. She sighed.

"Mice again." She muttered and was about to call down to her mum when she heard something that made her freeze, her eyes slowly turning up to the ceiling.

She thought she had heard a sigh. She stood up and a slight shuffling noise came from the ceiling. Rae's eyes focussed on the area the sound was coming from; the ceiling just above her bed. It was so dark she couldn't be sure of exactly where on the ceiling she was looking, but she backed away slowly, towards her door, her heart thumping in her chest.

"What you doing pet?" He mother asked as she came up the stairs with a couple of candles, Finn following.

"I thought I heard…" Rae paused, "There's something in the roof." She looked over at Finn, he noticed her anxiousness and went to her immediately.

"Yes I thought I heard some mice the other day. But it's been quiet for the past few nights so I thought I were imagining it." Linda handed the candles to Rae and headed towards the stairs. "I'll get Karim to set some traps." She turned, her hand on the bannister, "I was thinking we'd order in some curry for tea, what d'you think?"

"Sounds great." Rae answered, forcing herself to smile. They set up the candles beside the bed and Finn lit her other candles.

"Should of lit 'em before I went downstairs." He gave her an apologetic glance and she shrugged. "What's wrong girl?"

"I'm a little scared o' the dark." She confessed.

"Aye me too." Finn laid down on the bed and Rae settled into his arms. "And it's never nice hearing things scuttling around in the dark." He added as he tightened his arms around her

"I thought I heard a sigh." She said softly and Finn considered this for a moment.

"Maybe you got birds up there?" He asked and Rae felt her nerves instantly fade away.

"Birds." She grinned, "Of course."

"They make some fucking weird noises." Finn continued, "I remember when I was a wee lad, I could've sworn I heard people talking in the roof above me bed. Went crying to me da." Finn grinned as he remembered the scene in his mind, "I were only about 11 or 12, and I were trying to be a big boy." Rae laughed softly, "So I'd been listening to it for the past week, growing more afraid to go to sleep in case they came out at night to get me." Rae made a sympathetic noise that indicated how cute she thought he was, "Me da went up in the roof; it were a bunch of fucking nesting birds, all chattering away to each other in bird speak."

"What happened to 'em?"

"Well he cleared 'em out o; the roof and I felt terribly guilty. Told 'im I hated 'im and I'd never forgive 'im and cried a whole lot more." Rae laughed and Finn grinned happily, "But I slept a lot better that night."

"Well of course, there was no one talking in your roof." Rae added.

"Aye the guilt did not keep me awake!" He laughed. "And I slunk downstairs the next morning looking for food, and me dad had cooked a huge fry up for us."

"Go' you're dad's a good man."

"Aye, that he is." Finn agreed, "Although sometimes he's a right prat."

"You still giving him crap about fixing the hole in the wall for him."

"Every chance I get." Finn grinned.

"Ah you're a good man!" Rae said as if giving his father shit is what made Finn a good man.

"Oh aye?" Finn asked.

"Aye!" Rae said firmly and sat up to look at him, "The best."

"Well that's nice to know." He grinned and stroked her face.

"You do know that right?" She asked as she laid back down.

"I do now." Finn said softly, "I mean, not the best… but I know I'm good."

"Why not the best?"

"Cos that implies it's a competition Rae, and it's not." Finn answered in a confident tone and Rae shifted her position to be able to look at him and still hug, "I'm not better or worse than any of the guys in our friendship circle."

"You used to think…" Rae paused, not wanting to bring Phil up again.

"I don't think Phil is better than me anymore." Finn gave her a knowing look and she lowered her eyes. She hated how often they were talking about Philip still. She wondered how much it hurt Finn.

"I'm glad." She answered honestly.

"Me too." He nodded slowly, "It's a nice feeling to have." He stroked her face, "Rhys said something to me that kinda put things into perspective perfectly." Finn explained, "He's a real good bloke. And I'm a real good bloke. No one's better than anyone. Just different." He gave her a small content smile, "I'm so fucking glad I finally figured that shit out."

"So you don't think I'm better than everyone else then?" Rae teased.

"I didn't say that." Finn played along.

"You kinda did though." Rae pouted.

"Alright!" Finn laughed, "it's not a competition girl."

"So we're all equal then." Rae said with a cheeky grin, and Finn knew he was walking into a trap, but he did it anyway, with a huge grin on his face.

"Aye that's what I said."

"So Stacey and me-"

"NO!" Finn laughed.

"And Simmy-"

"Alright no… that's a different thing altogether. If you're gonna partake in all sorts of fuckwittery, you're clearly not one of the good people." Finn explained, "All us good people are equal."

"Alright." Rae thought that over, "And where do you draw the line in the sand between good and bad?" She asked, "Is it not believing in the same god… or is it liking the wrong bands… or-"

"Hurting other people." Finn answered firmly. "That's my line."

"We've hurt other people." Rae answered, "I've hurt you."

"And vice versa girl." He reminded her. "It's the deliberate, wilful hurting, you know?" Finn explained, "Like someone who enjoys doing it or isn't sorry about it." Rae nodded her head slowly.

"Alright. And are all the bad people equal?"

"Nope." Finn said, "There's a difference between a bully and a murderer."

"What about a person who bullies someone into suicide?"

"They're a murderer." Finn answered. "Shit Rae, you sure you not a fucking philosopher!" He shook his head. She shrugged and gave him a cheeky grin.

"Changing the topic…" Finn said, "Cos I reckon I'm gonna get my intellectual arse kicked if we keep on down this path." Rae chuckled and shook her head. "Tell me more about how Phil's going."

"You worrying about him?' Rae asked with real surprise.

"Aye a little." Finn acknowledged. "It's a long time for that jerk to be off school. Even with influenza." Finn considered, "He's the sort to just come to school anyway."

"I think he needed time away from me." Rae answered, "He's thinking of moving to London." She added. Finn caught the tone in her voice and made a small noise in the back of his throat in sympathy for her.

"You don't want him to go." Finn stated.

"It'd probably be easier for everyone if he did." She said, trying to keep the sadness out of her tone. She was starting to feel like everything was ruined now. Except for Finn, who was calm, comforting and rock steady. Finn considered her words for a while, but refrained from commenting on them, instead deciding to chat to Phillip about it

"What are you thinking Rae?" He asked her gently, "In truth?"

"Sometimes I think…" Rae paused, not sure if she should tell Finn this. He caught her hesitation.

"It's ok." He reassured her, "There is nothing you can say Rae, that'll make me stop loving you." She looked up at him and nodded slowly.

"Sometimes I think he should have been my first, you now, instead o' Liam."

"Well, he'd o' been much better for you than Liam." Finn understood.

"But then sometimes I wish I'd never been with anyone but you. I got that whole, be a pure, virginal girl for your man stuff in me head." Finn stroked her hair gently.

"You know that's bullshit right?" He asked her, "Your worth isn't determined by how many people you've fucked Rae."

"I know… but sometimes I think it'd be nice if it had only been you."

"Sometimes I have the same thought." He admitted, "But then I think, all the stuff I did afore I were with you… it made me who I am, I had fun doing it, it taught me a lot… I wouldn't change it." He shrugged, "Not even Olivia."

"Really?"

"She were a mistake and she deserved better." Finn said, "But I figure if I hadn't done something like that, I never would of known myself like I do now." She sat up and scooted round to see him better, "Sometimes you gotta suffer a bit, and make real big fuck ups to really learn what you gotta know, and to know yourself."

"Yeah." Rae said thoughtfully.

"There's all sorts o' things we're gonna go through Rae… we're so young…" She nodded slowly. "We've got a very long future ahead of us."

"I'm only 17." She whispered.

"It's a real young age to find the person you're gonna spend the rest o' your life with Rae." He told her

"Aye but I don't think our love is any less real or doomed to fail just cos we're young."

"That's not what I'm saying," Finn said reassuringly, "It's just that you might've been better off meeting me in your 20s after a whole lot of exploration."

"I have wondered about that." She lowered her eyes, "you had all that exploration before you found me…"

"Aye." Finn answered, his hand finding hers and squeezing her fingers gently.

"But I'll never be sorry I chose you, you know?" She said firmly, "I'll always wanna be with you." Finn's hand travelled up her arm to her neck, gently stroking her skin, "There's just this whole other thing… like an alternative reality me." She said apologetically, "That wonders…"

"It's not an alternate reality you Rae, it's just you, and it's fine." His fingers caressed the line of her jaw, "Cos I understand. I get that we're both young, and there's a whole wide world out there for us to explore. And we'll get through it all, with no regrets, no grudges, all support and love, cos you and me is forever." Rae nodded, her insides feeling like they were roughly the consistency of molten sugary goo. She loved him so much; he was the literal definition of a perfect person. "We'll travel, we'll get jobs, we'll get sacked, we'll be poor, we'll get a cat and a dog… and sometimes… sometimes we'll have other people enter our hearts or minds." He shrugged, "But we'll stick together through it all, cos we're soul mates; you're the centre of me world, no matter what we're both exploring. And that exploration won't always be sexual, I imagine a lot of it won't be…" He paused and let his fingers gently stroke her cheek, "But when it is… I want to try and meet both of our needs, including the fact that you didn't really get to have a proper explore before you was with me. So, I know you're not ok with it now, and you might never be. And that's fine." He reassured her, "But I wanna be real clear Rae, that I'm ok to open the relationship or to try polyamory if it you need to. If you wanna have that bit of an explore, you know? As long as we're always the centre of everything." Rae looked away and nodded.

"I can't. I feel like even thinking about it is betraying us." She told him and he gently shook his head, "It's betraying what we're supposed to be…"

"Supposed to be?" Finn asked with an incredulous tone. "Nothing'll fuck your life up more than the concept of what's supposed to happen… or what should happen." He shook his head firmly, "And what is it we're supposed to be Rae?"

"The perfect one true love."

"Well, we're the perfect love." He answered, "But the idea of the one true love… it's a bollocks fairy tale, and you know it." He said and she bit her bottom lip.

"I know." She whispered, "But some girls… fat girls…" She corrected, "We don't get a lot of love… so we should be thankful when it does come."

"No Rae." Finn sat up and took her face into his hands fiercely, "No you deserve love from everywhere, from everyone. From as many lads as you want it from." He looked into her eyes, "Don't think like that… you'll have me thinking you only stay with me cos you think you can't do better, or you don't deserve other love… that's never a good reason to stay with someone."

"That's not why…"

"I know." Finn answered, letting his hand travel down to her arms.

"The thing is Finn… I know that the whole notion of what romantic love is, is such a mess… it's so flawed and it basically sets us all up to fail or be miserable trying to live up to the ideal… but I can't help but think that's what I should be doing… that I should be grateful to even have the chance to be miserable trying to live up to an ideal no one can ever really reach." She shook her head, "I know how stupid it is. But I can't get the idea of the perfect one true love out of me head."

"Relationships founded on that notion tend to not do so well. The minute one of the partners slips and lets a bit of reality in everything will start to fall apart. It's a house o' cards that'll fall apart at the slightest whiff o' trouble. Neither of us could be really happy there Rae." He stroked her face, "We're building a fucking fortress of a house Rae." He said with a grin, "Nothing will ever bring us down, cos our house is built in reality, not fairy tale bullshit. We've got such a solid foundation, and such an incredibly strong relationship, because we've based it all in reality not fantasy."

"Aye." She grinned; he always made her feel so much better.

"Our love is able to glide through anything… things that makes others fall apart make us stronger. What's more true and real than that love?"

"Nothing…" She answered, but then her mind was pierced with the thought of Phil, "but some things are equal."

"And I'm ok with that."

"But I'm not." Rae answered doggedly, "I want us to be the only ones, for each other."

"I don't." Finn dismissed her dogged insistence with a cheeky grin and a shrug, "I'm glad Phil loves you like he does." Finn continued, "If I were to die tomorrow,"

"Finn…" Rae looked away with a pained expression on her face. She hated thinking about Finn dying; he'd gotten too close to that and he had the scar on his abdomen to prove it.

"No listen Rae… Whether I'm alive or dead; he'll look after you if and when you need it. And I know it, you know it and he knows it. It's reassuring." He shrugged again, "Even if you never get together, he'll always make sure you don't hurt yourself, and that you've got what you need. And he's got the money to really make sure you'll always have what you need. So if I die… you'll never be alone in this world."

"I hate this." Rae muttered, "You're not gonna die tomorrow Finn."

"No." He admitted with a grin, "But the point is, it's good to have lots of people loving and caring for you; it's a support network." Finn used the terminology Kester had been using for some time now and Rae nodded slowly, "And yours is real strong Rae. I trust Phil. I know he'll always do the right thing by you, no matter how tempted he is to go after you or manipulate you or something like that… He'll always be a very honourable man. He's got my back in the land of making sure Rae's happy. And I like that." He finished with a serious face that turned into a content grin.

"You're nuts." Rae said rolling her eyes.

"You must be rubbing off on me girl!" Finn teased.

"Oi!" Rae laughed, "Fucking nerve of you!" She shook her head in mock anger but couldn't keep the grin off her face. "Anyway, I'm tired o' talking 'bout Phil." Rae said firmly, "So show me your cane marks." She grinned and Finn lifted his hips and undid his jeans, slipping them off to the knee; they still had to have dinner with Linda and Karim, he'd get naked after that. "They need some more cream. She said and gently ran her fingers along them.

"Macca kinda caught sight of one of 'em the other day." Finn grinned; the thrill of nearly getting caught exciting him even now.

"Oh yeah?" Rae asked as she got the cream. She understood Finn's excitement at nearly getting caught.

"He only saw a quick glimpse of one of the ones closest to me knee." Finn grinned saucily, "I told him I had an accident." Finn shrugged. Rae carefully rubbed the cream into his cane marks and he leaned back on the bad, watching the candle light flicker on the walls. He heard the scratching in the roof in the silence and looked directly up at the ceiling. Rae glanced up and sighed before focussing her attention back on Finn's wounds.

"Do you think I went too hard on you?" She looked at the wounds and Finn shook his head.

"It were exactly what I wanted Rae." He told her grinning like a jackal, "Do it again in a couple o' months?" He cocked an eyebrow at her and she suddenly grinned like the Cheshire cat.

"In a couple o' months I'll be taking you as my sub to the sex club."

"That's right!" Finn remembered, "You're gonna have'ta hurt me good in December." He watched her delicately rubbing cream into his thighs.

"And we've got our anniversary in December too." Rae said. They had celebrated the day they'd met, the day they'd first started dating… they'd celebrate the second time they started dating too. But it was the third time, in December that they were counting as their real anniversary, because they hadn't broken up since then.

"Aye the day before Archie and Tom get back and we head off for New Year's." Finn grimaced, "Gonna have to somehow carve out some alone time for it." Rae looked up to see him thoughtfully staring off. She grinned and knew he was planning something.

"What are we gonna do for our anniversary?"

"I'll plan something for it." He answered with his brows furrowed, clearly wracking his brains for the perfect idea. Rae grinned and shook her head.

"I can plan something, it's our day, we should both plan something to celebrate our love." Rae tried to take the pressure off him.

"Or, I can plan something." He countered immutably, not really listening; he was in planning mode now. Rae kissed his temple and put the cream away. She would make him sit with his pants around his ankles for a few minutes while the cream soaked in, then they'd probably wonder downstairs to spend some time with the family.

"So what have Rhys and Tom got planned for New Year's?" Rae knew that they'd talked to Finn to make sure the whole gang would like it.

"I'm not entirely sure, but it's fair to say it's pretty awesome." Finn answered with a sneaky grin and Rae narrowed her eyes at him.

"You know exactly what they've got planned." She asserted.

"Might do." His smug expression told Rae that he did know what they had planned for New Year's.

"I'll get it out of you."

"No you won't." Finn replied and she hit his arm in frustration, which only made him grin wider.

"You two!" Linda called up from downstairs, "Dinner's here!" Finn jumped up from the bed and pulled his jeans up while Rae silently plotted how to get the information out of him. He blew out all but two of the candles, handing one to Rae, who left the room with a pouty expression on her face that Finn shrugged at, making her again narrow her eyes at him. Finn started to close the door when he stopped, hearing what sounded almost like a cough. He looked up at the ceiling.

"Definitely fucking birds." He shuddered, "Creepy fucking things." He closed the door and followed Rae down the stairs.

'_Mystify' by Inxs_

Macca bit his top lip in concentration and tried to not feel completely self-conscious. They were going to practice football skills before playing a match against the first years today. But as he'd run out onto the field, he saw Finn talking to Rae in the crowd, and next to Rae was Bethany.

Last night, he'd had a wet dream about her. A rather pornographic, extremely detailed and utterly incredible wet dream; he'd cum so hard he'd woken himself up with a cry of pleasure. He'd also woken his parents up… that had been a fun thing to explain. This had become a habit now; Finn chatting to Rae before their PE class got going, she had free periods for most of them, and it turned out Bethany did too. And part of the habit was Macca joining them.

He switched to biting his bottom lip and set out across the field at a jog, eager to have a quick chat with her, but also anxious that she'd somehow know all the dirty things he'd done to her in his head last night. He was still biting his lip when he approached, hardly able to look at her; what if she could just sense what a pervert he was?

"Hey there." Bethany said as he stopped next to Finn. He grinned and let his eyes fall on her face. Instantly the images of her naked body from his dreams erupted into his memory and he looked away suddenly, trying to cover it by faking a cough.

"Hey ladies." Macca said stiffly. Finn gave him a glance, clearly wondering why he'd addressed them like that, and sat down next to Rae. "Finn." Macca said to him.

"Hi gentleman." Bethany said with a cynical grin, noticing that he didn't seem to be able to hold eye contact with her.

"The fuck's up your arse?" Finn asked and Macca shook his head.

"Nothing." He stuttered slightly but put on his best nonchalant air and sat down between Rae and Bethany. The space between the girls wasn't really big enough for him and Rae ended up scooting over for him, but he still ended up closer to Bethany than he'd ever been; their legs touched from ankle to hip.

"How's Tuesday treating you ladies?" Finn asked emphasising the word ladies to make fun of Macca, who narrowed his eyes in return.

"I'm doing fine Finn." Bethany replied with a grin.

"I don't think I'm a lady." Rae replied, "In fact I'm happily not a lady."

"Yeah I'm gonna have to go with Rae on this." Bethany agreed, "Far prefer being a woman than a lady."

"I don't even know what the difference is." Macca looked at his feet studiously.

"Well ladies have a lot more restrictions than women." Bethany said in an educational tone.

"Like having to hold a thrupenny between your thighs at all times." Rae said with a teasing grin to Finn.

"Can't have that!" Finn said with laughing horror. "Although I can bend you over." He whispered to her saucily, so that the others couldn't hear, "And make you keep that thrupenny between your thighs and still have me way with you."

"Well I insist you do that now, kind sir." She replied breathily.

"You saucy minx."

"Oh no sir, I'm a lady." Rae said with a posh accent and a tone of complete innocence.

"I'm not sure what they're talking about." Macca said with an awkward grin.

"Sex." Bethany said with a nod, "It's kinda obvious." She nodded towards Rae and Finn as they continued their private conversation quietly.

"Well yeah…" Macca said softly, "I kinda failed at making a joke just then… can we erase that?"

"No way!" Bethany laughed, "I'm locking that one away forever."

"Alright." Macca blushed and looked away, "So… what'd you do last night?"

"Homework, hung with my family, went to bed. Laid in bed naked for several hours… but now we're into the morning…" She grinned cheekily at Macca and his smile froze on his lips.

"And… and how did you sleep?" He couldn't get the idea of her sleeping naked out of his mind now.

"Like I said, in me bed. With a pillow… blankets…" She grinned almost saucily and Macca was completely taken in by her beauty.

"Na-" Macca stopped himself from saying 'naked' and lowered his eyes, "Did you dream?" He instantly regretted saying it because he opened himself up to receiving the same question.

"Yeah I had a wet dream actually." She teased, she hadn't actually had one last night, but she was used to boys thinking that girls couldn't have wet dreams and not knowing what to do with themselves when they found out that they could and did. But Macca nodded stiffly.

"Really?" He could feel how big his eyes had become and knew he had to cool it.

"Yeah." She grinned, not sure why he was acting the way he was. She watched him lick his lips.

"Anyone I know?" He laughed awkwardly.

"Yeah a couple o' lads at school." She decided to go all in, see how much she could shock this gorgeous, stupid boy.

"A couple?" Macca didn't even know what to think. But his first coherent thought was wondering if he was one of them.

"Yeah, it were a great orgy. Dream me is so much more of a slut than waking me." Bethany grinned, "I really gotta catch up with myself, you know what I mean?"

"You wanna have an orgy?" Macca's mouth felt numb; he was so out of his depth with Bethany.

"Sure why not?" She shrugged. "If the opportunity arises, I wouldn't turn it down." She frowned suddenly, "as long as everyone involved is attractive."

"Attractive how?" Macca scratched his neck to try and make himself seem nonchalant.

"Sexually Macca." Bethany answered, "You know what that means right?"

"Yeah, I meant… what makes someone sexually attractive to you?" He felt his stomach knot, terrified of what she might say, berating himself for asking such a stupid, forward question.

"YOU TWO!" The coach was calling out to them and Macca and Finn looked out at the playing field. Finn sighed and turned to kiss Rae.

"See you in a bit." Bethany said, knowing he'd be at lunch with them after PE.

The girls watched the boys walking away.

"Fat cunts." They heard from behind them. Bethany gave them the finger without even turning to see who it was. But Macca, trailing slightly behind Finn had heard it too. He turned suddenly and saw a group of first years looking at Rae and Beth and laughing.

"HEY FUCK YOU!" He yelled at them. "You fucking shit eating, mingy slags!" Everyone looked at him with surprise. Including the coach, who promptly sent him to Principal Dixon.

"At least it's cool down here." Tom pulled his shirt off his chest to let some air in, "Even if it is kinda creepy."

"Well I'd be surprised if you didn't think it was a little creepy." Archie grinned. They were following a few people down into the catacombs of Kom el Shoqafa in Alexandria. It was a long, dark descent underground, dimly lit and highly atmospheric. Archie's general level of excitement had reach a kind of fever when they'd gotten into Alexandria. Tom had watched his man be enraptured by the beautiful city by the ocean with an ever growing sense of belonging and love. Archie had whispered to him last night that you can tell a lot about a person when you travel with them, and if you can't get along with them while travelling, don't bother marrying them. Right now Tom was reflecting on that idea and how they'd talked about how amazing it was to travel together and spend whole days together exploring and discovering. Tom could tell that when he got home he would very much regret having to go to work, and Archie to university; having to go back to spending the whole day apart most days of the week.

"See the statues?" Archie said as they stopped descending downwards and entered a larger room. Tom nodded and took them in carefully, his fingers playing with his engagement ring happily. "They've got a bit of Greek, Roman and Egyptian in them." He grinned, "Those three cultures all merged together here."

"I can tell." Tom nodded. Archie had been pointing out different art styles during this entire trip, and Tom had been paying attention. Archie gave him a grateful look.

"You actually listen to me, don't you?"

"Every single word." Tom said as they continued through the catacombs.

"You don't get bored? I do bang on a bit."

"Oh you bang on more than a bit Arch." Tom grinned at Archie's mock outrage, "But I don't get bored." The look of outrage melted into one of appreciation.

"Just as well." Archie said with a satisfied grin, "You're gonna be hearing it for the rest of your life."

"I am so very happy about that." The fingers of Tom's left hand again moved around, playing with his ring, his thumb caressing it gently.

The catacombs seemed to be winding, but were in fact well organised on three levels, the bottom level was flooded, but on the second level, wooden planks had been laid down along the muddy, and in some places wet, pathways. There were dozens of holes for bodies carved out of the rock walls and they walked past the empty, gaping holes with a shudder.

"This place makes you feel like the spirits of these people are following you." Tom whispered. Mohamed hadn't wanted to come down into the catacombs and was waiting for them up in the sun, while they wandered around underground with the dead. Mohammed was planning a nice lunch for them somewhere along the Mediterranean coast; the three of them were going to eat together and get to know each other better. Both Archie and Tom had a feeling they'd be staying in contact with Mohammed when they got back home.

They went into a smaller room off the wooden planks and looked at burial area with bones still in it.

"Apparently they're horse bones." Archie said when he saw the look on Tom's face, "But we'll probably see human bones in Siwa." He warned Tom and Tom nodded slowly.

"After the mummies in the Cairo museum, I think I'll be fine."

"Yeah!" Archie agreed as they looked around the small room, "you think you know what you're in for after seeing 'em on tv. But no! They look so…"

"I don't think I'll ever get Ramses the second out of my mind." Tom agreed and Archie grinned.

"You can tell exactly what he looked like in life."

"The technology they had and stuff they did was fucking amazing." Tom marvelled, "Putting aside the fact that we are yet to stay in a five star hotel…" Tom grinned at Archie, "This has been such an amazing trip already. The things I've seen and done…" He took Archie's hand, "Never would have done any o' this stuff without you."

"Especially that grand pyramid of Cheops thing…" Archie said with a smug, satisfied grin.

"Especially that." Tom answered stepping closer to Archie taking his hand. Archie enjoyed the feel of Tom's ring on his finger and his eyes dropped to Tom's lips. They dropped their hands quickly when they heard some people coming up the walkway, talking loudly.

"Who the hell talks that loudly in fucking catacombs." Archie shook his head.

"Remember those guys yelling and trying to get an echo in the pyramid of Khafre?" Tom asked shaking his head.

"The annoying thing is that the Egyptian authorities have asked people to be respectful at sites like these, but particularly inside the pyramids cos noise and echoes are causing problems and they might have to close them off to people permanently." They left the small room as a couple of other people entered, laughing about how spooky it was.

"I didn't know that. I'm so glad we got to go inside them." He gave Archie a grateful smile and Archie grinned in return, equally as grateful for Tom's never ending patience and interest in him and the things he liked.

Macca grinned when Bethany motioned for him to come and sit next to her. She usually insisted on sitting alone in advanced mathematics; she liked to focus. And while Macca wanted to be near her, he didn't mind it so much in this class; he was struggling to pass it and needed to focus.

But he sat down beside her eagerly, trying to look relaxed, not worrying at all about his need to focus as his eyes fell on her, the rest of the class milling in around him. No one else from the school gang was in the class, except for Phil, but he was still missing in action.

She turned to him, already grinning.

"What'd Dixon say yester?" She asked. He hadn't been able to see her again for the rest of the day and had gone home dejected and worried about what she was thinking about him.

"I got a warning, a heap of detention and an essay on bullying and name-calling and shite. Me parents were right pissed off." He shrugged.

"You weren't the one bullying." She gave an unimpressed look. Macca shrugged again.

"Yeah but I didn't tell her nought."

"Why not?"

"It's none of her fucking business is it?" Macca said with a frown, "She don't know shit about what it like to be in College. She only cares about covering her arse and us grading well against the national fucking average."

"I don't mind Dixon." Bethany shrugged. "I wish she hadn't given you detention but." She leaned into him, pushing her shoulder against his momentarily before righting herself. Macca's heart skipped a beat. "Thanks by the way."

"S'alright." He shrugged and tried to not grin like a fool.

"It's nice having friends like you." She told him and Macca's heart dropped slightly, "I honestly thought you wouldn't be my friend at College, last year you seemed like a bit of a knob."

"I were a bit of a knob." He confessed.

"That Simmy guy…"

"Utter wanker." Macca said apologetically, "I'd just known him since I were wee lad, so I kinda just got used to hanging around him I s'pose." Macca explained, "I don't talk to him anymore."

"Good." Bethany said fiercely.

"What happened?" Macca's brows furrowed deeply, knowing Simmy it was probably something awful.

"He always teased me about me body and that weren't so bad cos I'm used to it and I usually have smart arse comeback…"

"He shouldn't have ever done that." Macca answered instantly thinking about the things he himself had said about Rae before he knew her, when he had heard she was with Finn.

"I suppose, but it wasn't so bad that I couldn'' handle it… but there was this one time…" She hesitated, her eyes hazing over with memory. Macca felt his mouth go dry as he started to worry about what she was going to say. Simmy used to brag about bullying fat girls… now Macca began to wonder if one of them had been Bethany. Simmy had one story he really delighted in; cornering a fat girl and slamming her into a wall before forcing her to eat a meat pie, he always said loudly that he pushed it right into her 'pig mouth' while she cried. Macca hadn't laughed at that. But he hadn't told Simmy it was wrong either. He hadn't said anything. He'd just gone along with Simmy, which summed up a lot of his life until Finn and Chop stepped in over the Archie bullying. Seeing someone else stand up to Simmy had made Macca re-evaluate his friendship with him, as well as consider the kind of person he was around him. He didn't like who he had been around Simmy. He hated the thought that Simmy might have made Bethany eat that pie. He bit the i4

nside of his mouth as he watched her, wondering what she'd say.

"There was this one time," She repeated, her eyes clearing and she looked at Macca and shrugged it off before she'd even said it, "He was a bit of a shit to me." She said softly, "I suppose he came after me like that cos I weren't upset by his regular taunts."

"What did he do?" Macca asked angrily and Bethany returned the cross expression.

"I don't wanna talk about it Andrew McAdams!" She retorted and Macca looked way. Yes, he knew Simmy had made her eat that pie. He was going to kill Simmy. "You know, when you sat down next to me at that party during the holidays, and started chatting, I were actually ready for it to be a prank or something… cos I'd seen you hanging with Simmy." Macca nodded slowly, the weight of his past friendship with Simmy bearing down on him. "I nearly didn't talk to you."

"I'm glad you did." He tried to make his throat sound less thick with fury at Simmy, but failed. But most of his rage was directed at himself. He had enabled a guy like Simmy to continue to bully for years just by being his friend and not speaking up. There had been multiple times that Macca had worried that Simmy had crossed the line but he'd done nothing about it. He raged at himself thinking that had he said something sooner, that the pie incident might not have happened to Bethany.

"Me too." She grinned and Macca found his anger disappearing when he saw that grin. But he knew he had to hang on to that anger at himself; had to change and make amends. "You didn't have to have a go at those girls you know." She told him. Macca bit the inside of his mouth, guilt whirling around inside of him.

"Yeah I did." He answered, trying to hide his guilt and sadness. She shrugged with a grin and looked at the door for a moment, students were still slowly walking in. He cleared his throat and changed the topic, "Wednesdays are always the crappest days." He said as he watched the door with her. Kurt came in laughing with a couple of other lads and Macca saw Bethany's eyes appraise him. Macca looked at Kurt and furrowed his brows.

"They're not too bad." She turned her eyes to him, "Double period of maths is a bit rough but." She grinned, "Still, at least I got you to keep me entertained." Her eyes scanned the room again and Macca saw them linger on Kurt for a moment.

"He's quite a pretty boy." Macca commented. Again he had said something he instantly regretted and he looked away rolling his eyes at his own stupidity.

"Yeah." Bethany said with a cheeky grin, "Looks a lot like his sister." She added. "And if incest weren't so wrong and disgusting, that would be one hell of a fucking threesome." She grinned as Macca scrunched his nose.

"So you go for girls then?" He asked and she shrugged.

"Sometimes." She turned her appraising eyes on him and Macca could feel the blush coming up in his cheeks, "D'you go for girls?"

"Yeah of course." He realised he had said it far too eagerly as soon as the words left his mouth.

"What about boys?" She stared at him keenly.

"I dunno." He said uncomfortably. "I never really thought about it."

"It's alright Macca, some people are just straight."

"And you go for boys… I mean you said… that guy with the roll-on deodorant dick." He tried to stop himself from biting the corner of his bottom lip.

"Yeah I go for boys too."

"Does it ever get boring being with just one when you like both?"

"Depends on what they're like." She leaned towards him slightly and her shirt fell forward revealing her cleavage and hint of a red bra. Macca's eyes fell to her chest and instantly rose to the ceiling. Bethany was looking down at her hands and hadn't seen the look. When she looked back up at Macca, looking at the ceiling, she broke out into a smile; he was so odd sometimes. "Does it ever get boring just liking one gender?" She asked him pointedly and he turned his eyes down to her.

"No." He blinked, desperately trying to stop his eyes from straying south to her incredible cleavage. "But girls are a lot more interesting than lads." He grinned.

"That's true." She shot back and Macca's brow instantly furrowed. She grinned and looked back at the door as the teacher bustled in. "A little birdy told me that you were flunking this class Mr McAdams." She turned her eyes back to him and he lowered his.

"Yeah." He admitted unhappily.

"You know I got the same mark as Phil on the last test?" Bethany told him and he raised his eyes.

"Yeah I know you're right good at it. All these lads say girls can't do maths and you put 'em all to shame."

"Except Phil, but he never talks shit about girls." She cocked her eyebrows, "So I guess it's ok that I can't beat him yet."

"You'll beat him." Macca said with real surety.

"Whether I do or not… Since I'm so good at it… and you're so shit at it…" She watched Macca blush slightly and lower his eyes, biting the inside of his mouth, "Want me to tutor you?" His eyes flicked back up to hers.

"Yeah for sure." He said instantly, again telling himself to not look so eager.

"Great. Give me your timetable." Macca quickly wrote down when his classes were and Bethany mentally compared it to when she had free periods. "Friday afternoon it is." Bethany grinned. "We can do it at the library, or one of our houses since it's the last period of the day. Won't have to come back to school."

"My parents aren't home til 8 on Fridays." Macca looked away and nearly physically kicked himself for being so obvious. It didn't matter if parents were around if they were just doing homework.

"Your place it is then." She said as the teacher started to speak.

"I'm just saying at least I know who my competition is." Tom laughed as Archie rolled his eyes.

"I wasn't that bad." He shook his head.

"No, you just stared at the statue of Alexander's giant head and nearly cried for almost an hour." Tom teased. Archie turned his eyes to Tom and shook his head.

"It's Alexander the great. You should have nearly cried too!" He laughed.

"I nearly did when I realised my man loves a dead geezer so much." Tom laughed gleefully at the unimpressed look Archie gave, "At least he's not prettier than me."

"I don't think there is a man prettier than you is there?" Archie asked.

"If you're trying to win back my affection after that display in the Museum of Alexandria Archie…" Tom said with an unimpressed look that dissolved into a grin, "you're on the right track, keep going." They stopped for some sugar cane juice and headed towards the restaurant they were meeting Mohammed in. He had spent the day planning the trip to Siwa Oasis for them; he wasn't going, so even though Archie had planned everything already, Mohammed went around and double checked their bookings and got the bus tickets for them. And Archie was happy to let him do it; they were paying him a daily fee, and it meant he didn't have to do it and they had had more time at the museum. Which had been lucky in the end, given how overwhelmed he had been by all the artefacts pertaining to Alexander.

Their hotel room had massive windows looking out over the Mediterranean Sea; it was threadbare and worn but clean and the view was incredible. But no matter how often Tom saw that view, it would never be enough. He loved the beach. He sat down on the blanket and Mohammed grinned at him; he'd organised a beach picnic on the private beach of one of the five star hotels.

"I was born in the wrong country." Tom sighed.

"Where would you rather be?' Mohammed asked.

"Anywhere Archie is." Tom answered. Archie was using the bathroom and they were waiting for him to return before they ate dinner. Tom had to admit that if they had been staying at five star hotels the whole time, the trip wouldn't have been as fun or immersive. They would have been at a restaurant now, instead of sitting on this beautiful beach.

"Where do you wish Archie was?" Mohammed tried again.

"Somewhere with warm weather, great rights for gays and beautiful beaches." He answered, "Those three things and Archie would make me a very happy man indeed."

"Well I wish you great happiness Tom." Mohammed said with a smile, but Tom detected a hint of sadness.

"What's wrong?" Mohammed sighed.

"I am staying with my Aunt while we are here." He reminded Tom and Tom nodded, "She knows that I am gay." Mohammed looked out at the ocean, "She tells me that my mother wants to arrange a marriage for me."

"That happens here?" Tom asked as Archie returned and Mohammed nodded.

"It's not common." He sighed, "It's also not entirely uncommon."

"What happens here, neither commonly nor uncommonly?" Archie asked and Tom quickly told him the story.

"Can you refuse?" Archie asked with a concerned face.

"Of course." Mohammed gave them a strange look, "But it would be easier if I just got married and gave my mother grandchildren."

"Maybe you can find a nice lesbian to marry?" Tom suggested and Mohammed's spirits seemed to lift.

"I do know of a woman under great pressure to marry, but lives with her girlfriend." Mohammed answered. "It would solve all of our problems."

"I'm sorry your parents are being dicks, I know what it's like to have shitty parents." Tom sympathised.

"They are not bad. They have loved and supported me through many… mistakes." Mohammed's eyebrows furrowed. "Even though I am young and lots of Egyptians marry late after a long engagement, they worry. Because I have not even had a girlfriend. They worry that without love I'll turn back to-" He stopped himself and lowered his eyes.

"Have you had some trouble?" Tom asked, "Mistakes?" He picked up on Mohammed's previous word.

"I have." Mohammed said reluctantly. "When I was 15, we were quite poor." He looked away, his knees tucked up, his arms leaning on them as he looked over the ocean. "There was a lot of anger and talk about what made Egyptians poor. People were angry at the government. Still are." He added and took a deep breath. "There was a man, who spoke at our mosque. My father did not like him, he said he used Islam to forward his own agenda, rather than followed Islam in peace as we all should. But I was rebellious against my father."

"I think all kids get rebellious." Archie tried to comfort him but Mohammed shook his head sadly.

"Less than a year later I was training with the militant wing of Al-Gama'a al-Islamiyya." Archie's mouth opened in shock, but Tom's face betrayed nothing but sympathy. Tom had heard all sorts of shocking confessions in his time, and he wasn't entirely sure what Al-Gama'a al-Islamiyya was anyway. Archie looked over at Tom and knew he needed filling in.

"Those are the guys that are currently attacking and killing police officers all over the country." Archie said.

"And some tourists." Mohammed added. Tom blinked a few times as he took that in and nodded his head for Mohammed to continue. "We were training to do some very terrible things." He told them. "I was particularly angry with this world and government. I don't know why I thought it would be better with Al-Gama'a al-Islamiyya; they want an Islamic state." He shook his head, "And they are brutally conservative." He sighed, "I'll be far worse off if they ever win. But at the time, I just wanted things to change."

"What did change?" Tom asked.

"My aunt. The one I am staying with now." He smiled slightly, "We did this training were we would infiltrate a large crowd and set ourselves up in position to stop them from escaping so that we could take them hostage or kill them if need be." Mohammed said, obviously embarrassed and disgusted, "We would practice at large rallies… they told us to imagine we were at the pyramids, herding up tourists." He lowered his eyes. "My aunt was at a rally we practiced at." He grinned at them, "She literally pulled me from the crowd by the ear." Archie scoffed in surprise. "My Aunt is a formidable woman. A politician in a very male dominated country. And for all my training, I didn't want to hurt someone so dear to me."

"She sounds incredible." Tom said.

"She was angry; my mother had been worrying about me for the past 18 months since I had disappeared into the group. I hadn't been home, I hadn't contacted them. I hadn't even realised how long it had been." He looked up at Tom and Archie, "Even so, she could not make me stay and I left. They were supposed to be my family now. But when I returned, and they continued to speak their hatred, my father's words came to me: this is not Islam." His expression was fierce and proud, "It's not Islam. What they follow, what they do… it is not Islam." He looked away, "But it was when I realised that my aunt herself was a high value target that I truly knew I could not stay. But what was I to do with my anger?"

"D'you go back to your aunt?" Archie asked.

"I lived with her for a few years, our family was no longer so poor, so I finished my education, was given better opportunities. I talked in great depth with my aunt, and I learned how to deal with my anger better and I am involved with politics a little now; I still want change. But not like that."

"And your parents know." Tom lowered his eyes, "Sorry I assumed they were shitty."

"It is alright." Mohammed answered, "They know. They forgive me. My father has been teaching me more about Islam. Islam is about peace, not war. Jihad is to be fought within yourself, against your base instincts… not against innocents. One can only fight back if one is attacked first." He shook his head, "What these men believe is a perversion. Not Islam." Mohammed looked at them, willing them to understand. "Human life is sacred in Islam, not just Muslim lives; all human lives. And yet they use the Quran to justify the taking of those lives." He shook his head, "No true Muslim supports them, believe me."

"I do, don't worry." Archie said and Tom nodded his head.

"I feel great shame that I ever…" He shook his head. "I work hard to make amends to my family and community." He finished, "after paying my living expenses, all of the money I make from this job will be going to help the widows and children of police officers killed by Al-Gama'a al-Islamiyya." Archie thought that by that he look on Mohammed's face, he had seen things he wished he had not seen.

"We all make mistakes." Archie felt that this was a wholly inadequate thing to say, but Mohammed still smiled thoughtfully.

"Thank you." He took a deep breath, "But this is no way for three friends to spend their last meal together for a while." Mohammed grinned, "It will be 3 weeks before I meet up with you by the Nile!" He shook his head, "Let's smoke a hookah and eat far too much."

"That's the fucking spirit!" Tom laughed and Archie shook his head; just last night Tom had complained that his six-pack was disappearing. Tom was the kind of man that didn't mind how anyone else looked, but he liked for himself to have a six-pack. Archie could be the size of a house or a string of spaghetti and Tom would love him and find him attractive. But Tom had to have a six-pack. Archie made fun of him often about this and told him he'd be the only grandpa in the retirement home with a six-pack and Tom always agreed that he would have one till the day he died.

It was late when they got on their bus; they were heading straight for Siwa Oasis because there had been some unrest in the countryside between Alexandria and Siwa Oasis. From there they were going to organise day trips back to the sites they wanted to see. They had a 13 hour overnight bus trip in store for them.

They settled down on the bus, Tom putting in some earphones and getting out a book while Archie settled in to try and get some sleep. An hour later Archie was rudely awoken when the call to prayer came blaring through the bus speakers at a volume that could only be described as ear-splitting. He looked over at Tom, expecting to see the same sleepy expression on his face. But Tom was looking at the driver and the then out the front window, then back to the driver, clearly worried. Archie furrowed his brows.

"What's up?"

"He's doing 200km an hour." Tom told him and Archie sat up and looked at the driver's speedometer.

"Holy shit." Archie said and looked out the front window; the headlights barely lit up the road ahead.

"This is a 13 hour, overnight trip." Tom said softly, "Is he gonna drive the whole thing like this?"

He did. With no breaks. And the call to prayer sounded every hour.

The sun was rising when they got in at Siwa Oasis. Tom and Archie emerged from the bus, sleepy and stiff. It was a beautiful, sleepy feeling town, with a few donkey drawn carts waiting to take people to their homes. Tom and Archie were driven by a pre-pubescent boy on a rickety donkey drawn cart to their hotel; a five star eco-lodge with all the modern amenities built entirely out of mud brick. Tom eyed their huge luxury room lovingly and grinned at Archie.

"For me?" He grinned as if accepting an expensive gift he had no intention of ever letting go of, "You shouldn't have."

Macca skipped out on his science class to go to the library to try and study maths. He had his first tutoring date with Bethany tomorrow and he didn't want to look nearly as dumb as he was. Like Finn, he'd picked up a couple of extra classes to make his failing last year seem less bad for when he applied to university and he was busier than he had intended to be. Even so, he wasn't accustomed to hanging out in the library. He kept his head down and found an empty table, opening his books without looking around, he focussed on his work. He was so engrossed with getting annoyed at how much he didn't understand it, that when Bethany sat down opposite him with an amused grin on her face, he barely noticed. He looked up and started, a huge grin hitting his lips before he had chance to remind himself to play it cool. She put a book down on the table and looked at him.

"Hey." He said chirpily.

"Hey." She replied and pulled one of his books towards her. "Aren't I supposed to be teaching you this stuff?"

"Yeah." Macca admitted slowly.

"Trying to impress me?" She asked drolly.

"What? No!" Macca tried to hide how accurate what she had said was and pulled a face to indicate that was a ludicrous idea. He looked down this books and Bethany stared at him for a moment, a thoughtful expression on her face. She bit the inside of her cheek and looked away, unsure how to proceed.

"Well I suppose I better leave you to it then." She stood up but Macca looked up at her.

"No." He simply said, his mind not able to come up with an adequate reason to ask her to stay.

"No?" She asked, confused about what he wanted her to do.

"It's fine." He almost stuttered, "Hang around. I don't mind."

"I don't wanna get in the way of whatever you're doing." She went to pick up her book but Macca put his hand over hers gently. They paused, both looking at their hands touching. Macca looked up at Bethany.

"You can stay." He tried to sound as calm as he could and carefully withdrew his hand. Bethany sat down without a word, her hand still on her book. They both looked at the table and sat in silence for a while. "Have you got any plans for the weekend?" He asked as casually as he could.

"Not really." She answered, "I just usually do homework until I find myself at the bottom of what I thought was an endless pit of despair." Macca grinned. He enjoyed her sense of humour. "Or I go out with friends and we do stuff that I will never be able to tell my parents about." Macca's mouth opened slightly in desire and he made himself close it and nod thoughtfully instead. "You?"

"Same." He grinned, "Although, by all accounts I'm not nearly as wild as you." He joked.

"I'm sure we could fix that if you wanted." She shrugged, "I mean you could fix it." She corrected, "However you wanted to." She furrowed her brows and sighed internally.

"You wanna help me fix it?" He asked, his cock giving him an aching throb under the table, and had to stop himself from shaking his head at himself in dismay at what he had just said.

"Tutor you in how to be a wild child?" She asked and Macca silently let out a breath; she hadn't taken it the way he had meant it.

"Yeah what else would I mean?" He scoffed, overcompensating for the mistakes he was continuously making whenever he talked to her.

"I dunno, you could have been asking me to fuck you." She decided to tease him; seemed like the most reasonable thing to do. Macca's mouth opened in surprise and desire. Mostly desire. He laughed nervously, sounding like a virgin, and he literally stomped his own foot under the table and reminded himself he most definitely was not a virgin and he needed to get it together. But there was something about her that turned him into a blubbering mess.

"You'd know it if I were doing that." He answered in the most confident voice he'd been able to muster around her since he'd first realised he liked her. Bethany looked at him for a moment before lowering her eyes in thought.

"Like to seduce girls do you?" She asked and Macca tried to put on his best cool, calm and collected demeanour.

"The right ones." He answered, finally feeling a little bit of his usual cocky self-esteem coming back to him. He knew that this calmness was coming from the fact that he was still mashing his own foot under the table, and the pain was allowing his mind to focus somehow.

"Right." Bethany answered unimpressed and picked up her book. Bethany had heard that kind of thing before; it's what fit lads said to mean they were after thin girls. She'd been told by fit lads that they only dated the right girls… but they'd try and fuck the wrong ones of course. And apparently, she was the wrong girl. She had hoped Macca wasn't like that. She had thought he had more depth than that. She hated being wrong.

Macca watched her reading her book and realised that a moment had passed between them that wasn't good. He fought with his own brain, trying to think of a way to redeem the situation.

"But you know the right girl for me… isn't the same as the right girl for most lads." Bethany looked up at him, her eyes narrowed.

"What's that mean?"

"It means I don't just go for the girls other lads go for." He shrugged, "I like to make me own decisions."

"Yeah but I hear that your last girlfriend was Anne Fitzgerald, I did choir with her. She is exactly the kind o' girl most lads would go for." She looked back down at her book, "I heard some lads saying she was a 10, and they wondered how you got her since you was more a 7or 8." Macca looked away, his eyes narrowing. This was not going so well. "I hate those fucking rating systems you know?" She said, "Bringing human beings down to a number designed to show whether you'd fuck 'em or not." She shook her head, "Fucking disgusting." Macca couldn't deny Anne. And he had enjoyed being with Anne. She'd been a really fun girl, and they had had an awful lot of sex. He liked who he was when he was with Anne, and she hated who he was when he was around Simmy. She had been a genuinely great girl. But in the end they had split amicably, both of them enjoying and liking each other quite a bit, but not enough for a long term relationship. She had gone to a privately funded school; their College was a public school, and she was at university in London now. She was heading back to Stamford soon and had asked him to hook up for the night. He hadn't known how to reply to her phone call; he'd neither accepted nor declined.

"Yeah Anne is very beautiful." Macca nodded. "Just because a bunch o' lads think she's hot, don't mean she is, or she isn't." He said, "She's a nice girl." He added, "Real smart. No real sense o' humour but." He grinned as he thought about her. "I liked her a lot." He took a deep breath before continued, "And I won't deny that I first went for her cos she were hot, and all the lads wanted her. But we was together 6 months and I got to know her real well." Macca told her, "And that were over a year ago." He'd been playing the field semi-successfully since then. "I were lucky that she were attractive and real nice. She taught me a lot." He said. "And I know now that I should o' got to know her a bit afore I went for her." He shrugged, "you live and you learn. I've grown up a bit since then." She looked him up and down and looked back down at her book. "I don't just go for girls that are hot by other lads' standards anymore." He said slowly and Bethany's heart dropped. She hated hearing things like that; if he went for her, it was a tacit admittance that he thought she wasn't hot. "And my definition of beauty and hotness has broadened considerably since I were 16." He finished and shrugged. She raised her eyes; that was more promising.

"Oh yeah?" She sounded nonchalant, "How's that?"

"I think most women are beautiful." Macca furrowed his brows and then nodded; yes that was what he genuinely felt now.

"Are some more appealing than others?" She asked him and his eyes lingered on her face.

"Most definitely." His eyes dropped to the table, "but that doesn't make other girls less beautiful."

"Very true. My beauty isn't lessened just cos you don't wanna put your dick in me." She meant it as a broad statement but Macca raised his eyes to her instantly.

"I didn't say that." He said softly. There was a moment of silence in which Bethany found herself holding her breath, "I didn't say I did either." He lowered his eyes again and Bethany let her breath out. What was it about this dickhead that made her so ridiculously on edge around him?

"Doesn't matter either way." She brushed it off and he shrugged as if it didn't matter. "It's not like we're gonna fuck." She added. Macca stared at her face as she spoke, her eyes on her book.

"I s'pose." He muttered.

"You got a girl in your crosshairs then?" She asked him without looking up.

"Yes." Macca's eyes dropped to her lips. Bethany stopped everything for a moment as her heart fell. But she nodded in as blasé a manner as she could muster.

"Course you do. I'm sure you'll get her."

"I sure hope so." Macca kept staring at her face as she read. "You got your eye on any lads?"

"Oh just all of them." She grinned and looked up at him, startled to see him staring at her, "All the girls too." She added softly.

"So any lad that wants to get with you has got a lot of competition, if he wants to date you." He braced himself for that competition; he had to have her.

"It's like a battle to the death." She laughed, "Only the best and strongest shall win in the end. And then I'll consider whether I'm interested."

"Sounds perfectly reasonable!" Macca grinned. "So how does one win this battle to the death?"

"Oh I don't fucking know Macca." She shrugged, "I don't date, I fuck."

"Right." Macca said thoughtfully. "Right." He repeated and looked back down at his books silently. Bethany looked up at him for a moment before starting to read her book.

_'Ricochet' by Faith No More_

Friday morning came and Phil still wasn't at school. Rae was less worried because he was calling her every night just like he'd promised. He seemed to be on the mend, and he admitted that it probably had a lot to do with the fact that he was eating again. But mostly he knew that seeing her again had been a health tonic to him. A painful health tonic. This was his third week away from school; he hadn't been there since the beginning of the drama camp and Rae had been reminding him about his marks. But Phil told her he'd been getting some of his other mates to bring him the work. He sounded better on the phone to her and she wondered if her visit had been the reason he was improving. Phil knew it was; her coming to see him had buoyed his mood in a way he knew he had to get under control; they were just friends now.

Finn knew Phil was calling Rae and that he was improving, but he still wondered why he wasn't back at school yet and worried it was because of him. So he decided to ditch PE and head to Phil's house, intending to be back in time to catch lunch with Rae and the rest of the school gang.

Phil was looking in the fridge, hoping that some real food would be in there rather than the salad his mother had made him, wearing only a pair of tracksuit pants for comfort, when the doorbell chimed. He was in the house alone again, as he was most of the time. He padded out to the door, expecting salesmen but hoping for Rae.

When he opened the door and saw Finn he cocked his head to the side with confusion.

"You've lost some weight." Finn eyed him; he was used to sizing up people, under Rhys's tutelage he was developing an eye for it. It was useful for fighting, and also for being a trainer.

"I'm so glad you noticed dear. D'you think my wedding gown'll fit now?" Phil snarked and Finn grinned.

"Let me in wanker."

"Wow, what an eloquent request. I feel so inclined to agree."

"C'mon Phil. I rode all the way out to your fancy-pants fucking house, let me in." Phil looked out at the motorbike parked on the grass and rolled his eyes; Finn had torn up some of the lawn with the tyres.

"Please Lucy, won't you come in." Phil opened the door wider and Finn stepped in with an almost cocky strut.

"Lucy…?" Finn asked and searched his mind for where the insult came from, "the australopithecine remains found in '74?" Finn recalled his science classes and Phil gave an impressed grunt.

"Well scientists around the world will be astounded. Australopithecine is more intelligent than first thought."

"Aye," Finn grinned smugly, "I am smarter than you first thought." Finn looked around, "Fucking slick place." He grimaced and looked at the stairs, "Your room up there?" Phillip glared at him and shook his head in resignation as Finn headed for the stairs and disappeared up them.

"Fucking hell." Phil moaned and went after him. He had started coughing part way up the stairs, and by the time he got to his room Finn was looking around nosily.

"Fucking swish Philly." Finn said with an impressed face, "I wish you'd fallen in love with me… I wouldn't mind being rich, you know." Phillip cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Even if I were in love with you, I'd still be the rich one, not you." Phil answered with a confused expression, "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"You'd give me all your money." Finn shrugged and Phil rolled his eyes, unable to believe this conversation, "Why aren't you at school?"

"I've got influenza you fucking knob." Phil answered like he was a moron.

"Aye I know, but you've got a work ethic like Elsa, nothing keeps you away… except love." Finn let his head drop to the side, his tongue on his back teeth, an astute knowledge in his eyes.

"Why do you even care?" Phil looked down at his own bare feet.

"Rae mentioned you were thinking of moving to London."

"Yeah." He stood opposite Finn and folded his arms, still trying to figure out exactly what was going on.

"It won't help." Finn said grimly. "Nothing will." There was a deep silence as they stared at each other.

"I know." Phil said finally, "I keep thinking it'll easier to not see her, then I remember that I've been there, done that, and it's not."

"It's so hard to see her everyday… but it's fucking excruciating not seeing her at all." Finn nodded his head knowingly; he'd probably tell Phil all about how much it had hurt him some other day. Today was bout Phil.

"It surprises me how much this is killing me." Phil confessed, "cos I've kinda known for a while that it wasn't me… but the confirmation of that…" He looked away and Finn saw the pain in his eyes as his self-control slipped slightly before he took a deep breath and managed to contain himself again. "How did you do it?" He turned his eyes back to Finn and Finn saw the tears in his eyes.

"When she broke up with me… I felt like there were a fucking hole in me chest." Phil nodded his head and one of the tears dropped. Finn sat down on the bed and motioned for Phil to sit with him. "I don't even know how I kept breathing." Phil sat down and stared at his bookshelf despondently. "It were, by far, the most depressing time of me whole life." Finn sighed, "I kept looking for signs that she might…" Finn shook his head. "In the end I had to leave to try and get some perspective, you know?" Phillip looked at him and nodded, "Didn't help. Not really. All I could think about were her. She were right under me skin; in me soul."

"Yeah." Phil swallowed and cleared his throat, "I get that. And I never really had a relationship with her." He lowered his eyes and Finn furrowed his brows.

"Except you do and you kinda always have." Finn answered and Phil shook his head cynically. "You know how much she loves you." Phil looked up at Finn.

"You do know how much she loves you Finn?" Phillip asked with a worried expression. He worried that Rae would fall apart if her and Finn broke up. And he also found himself worrying that Finn was alright.

"Aye." Finn nodded but it didn't allay Phil's concerns.

"Does it hurt you that she loves me too?" Finn took in the look of worry on Phil's face and found himself smiling fondly, he lowered his face and took a deep breath.

"You know it used too. So much." Finn answered honestly. "But it don't anymore." Finn told him, "I've change a lot in that time and… I just don't see it the same way anymore. It's not a betrayal that she has feelings for someone else. It's just one o' those things that happens. It's natural." He shrugged.

"So you don't you wish you were the2 one?"

"Ah yes." Finn answered with a grim smile, "The magical one." He chuckled and shook his head. "I didn't think you believed in idealised shit like that."

"I don't." Phil answered honestly, "And you?"

"I suppose at first that is what I wanted." Finn admitted and looked down at his hands. "But in reality no one is ever the one person. We always need more than one person in our lives."

"Yes but you're talking about having friends Finn," Phillip answered, "Rae and I… we're… not really friends."

"No." Finn nodded his head slowly, thinking about that for a moment, "No, you're really not." He looked up at Phil, "And I know you never will be. Not really. There'll always be something more… you'll always be close." Finn looked at Phil closely, "and only time will be able to tell me how close you'll really be… And I understand that." Finn's eyes were piercing, but Phil couldn't look away, "Regardless of this whole friendship thing you two are trying to do. We all know…" Phil looked away awkwardly, not sure how to respond.

"We're just mates now."

"Aye and I'm fucking Mary Poppins." Finn retorted and Phil turned his eyes back to him and nodded slightly, acknowledging what Finn was saying. "You know, I would say that the vast majority of people do wanna be the one romantic love for their partner." Finn said, "And that's fine. But in reality, most people love more than one person in their lifetime." Finn raised his eyebrows in acceptance of this, "Rae's just been unlucky enough for it to happen simultaneously. Which really sucks, cos most people get to go out with and explore loads o' different people before they find a person to spend their lives with." Finn paused and held Phil's eyes, "And you know, some folk choose people, rather than a singular person to spend their lives with." Finn left the idea hanging in the air and Phil's brows furrowed as he wondered exactly what he was hearing. "I think it's really important for a person to get the chance to explore different people if they wanna. If they need to."

"Some people don't wanna do that, you know." Phil said softly, knowing that Rae wasn't ready for something like this, and might never be. Finn nodded.

"I know. And that's totally fine. The point I'm making is people should do what they need to do in that regard, so they can learn about love and how relationships work, and how to handle differences, and how people are, and mostly about themselves." Finn looked at Phil. "As you know, I got the chance to explore a lot. It's kinda nice to have memories of past partners… even the ones you cringe to think about!" He grinned and shook his head, "But Rae'll never really have that. You'll never get to explore your love for each other. Not properly." Finn looked out across Phil's room when he saw the pain these words cause Phil. It would kill him if the situation was reversed. "Even if she were to take you on the side… I'd still always be her number one. And I'm sorry for you that you're number two… and I'm sorry for both of you that'll you'll never do what people normally do when they love each other." Phil nodded slowly and Finn smiled grimly, "But you know Phil, I really do prefer you as the number two than fucking Liam, who basically got there by default." Finn pulled a face that looked like he had tasted the actual faecal matter of a diseased mongoose.

"Yeah I saw them hanging around together." Phil pulled a slight face, "He's a very… singular person."

"Aye!" Finn laughed, "That's a nice way o' putting it." Finn's smile soured very quickly, "I fucking hate that guy. No matter what he's gone through since."

"What did he do to her?" Phil instantly knew that Liam's transgressions had to be against Rae; Finn wasn't the sort of man to hate someone for anything less. Finn looked at Phil closely and decided to tell him a little bit.

"So much." Finn said, "But I think my personal favourite reason to think about his fucking face in boxing practice is when he told her to leave her clothes on when he fucked her, cos she weren't no oil painting." Phil's jaw dropped in horror.

"Oh my god." He shook his head and leaned his face in his hands for a moment. "What a… I don't even have words for that guy." Phil muttered. "Who says something like that to another human being, let alone someone you're about to have sex with?"

"A real dickhead that's who."

"I um…" Phil paused, unable to properly process the feeling inside of him, "I feel like I need to kill him."

"It's very nice to have someone else in that club with me." He patted Phil on the back, "Cos now that the fucker almost killed himself by accident and is all fucked up, everyone expects me to like him." Phil looked at him, he hadn't know this about Liam, "And it's never gonna happen. Sure I have sympathy, sure I won't kick the shit outta him anymore… but I'm not gonna like him." Phil lowered his eyes in thought.

"Yeah, I'm gonna stay in that club with you." Phil said, "The damage that would have done to her… I can't forgive that." He shook his head. Phil narrowed his eyes in thought and then sighed, "And I think I have to show you something." He said and went over to the canvases on the table.

"Aye, Rae told me you painted her. Said Janice pushed you into the room when you tried to leave." Finn said slowly as Phil nodded in reply. "She didn't tell me much about them, other than they was quite good." Finn was deeply curious as to how Phil had taken Rae's likeness. He watched Phil lovingly unwrap the first canvas and almost gasped when he held it up.

"Fuck me." Finn whispered, "Wow." He took the painting in slowly.

"I showed Rae these." Phil told him, "She seemed particularly moved that they were in oil paints." He unwrapped the next one, "Thank you for letting me know why." Phil treasured the fact that he had given her the gift of seeing herself as an oil painting after what Liam had done to her. Finn went over and picked up the painting of Rae standing; she looked magnificent, like a goddess.

"These are amazing." Finn was truly impressed. "I'd ask you for one of them but I know you won't give 'em up." Finn said softly, his eyes taking in all the small details; he'd even got the number of stretch marks on her stomach right.

"Not a chance." Phil shook his head almost apologetically.

"I wanted to do oil paintings of her, but Janice hasn't gotten around to teaching me yet." Finn lamented, his eyes unable to tear away from the paintings.

"I can teach you." Phil said without even thinking. He waited for the feeling of regret to come, but it didn't; he genuinely wanted to teach Finn how to paint Rae like this. It would give her so much joy.

"Serious?" Finn looked up at him and Phil nodded.

"I won't even charge you for my time." He grinned. "Just promise me you'll do paintings even better than these; keep that smile on her face."

"Done deal." Finn said instantly. Phil looked closely at his face to see if he was joking, but he clearly wasn't.

"Alright, when have you got free periods?"

"Wednesday morning?" Finn asked and Phil shook his head. It only took a few suggestions before they decided on Thursday mornings for an hour and Finn would drive Phil to school after. But they'd have to start in two weeks; Phil had some catching up to do.

Finn's eyes returned to the paintings.

"I underestimated how much you love her." Finn said feeling sad for Phil. "She kept telling me it was as much as I do… but I couldn't quite believe you could love her as much as I do. Cos I love her so much." His eyes never left the painting in his hands.

"I always thought you couldn't love her as much as I did." He said sadly, "I thought there's no way you'd notice her small details like I do… Like the green and gold in her eyes."

"More green in the left eye…" Finn said.

"More gold in the right." Phil finished the sentence.

"Fucking beautiful eyes." Finn sighed.

"Very expressive." Phil agreed, "You can almost see her brain ticking over through them." He grinned and Finn chuckled.

"It's particularly good when she's panicking about something she did and her mother's caught her." Phil laughed, imaging what that would look like.

"I bet she's a fire brand with her mother?" Phil guessed.

"Oh aye!" Finn chuckled, "never get in between 'em when they're going at each other." Phil nodded slowly.

"God I envy you." He breathed sadly and went back to his bed, plonking on the edge of it despondently.

"You know Phil, I've spent the longest time, thinking you was a better person, a better man than me." Finn lined the three paintings of Rae up and sat back down on the bed beside Phil. He ignored Phil's incredulous face and continued, "You gave her books and read the same things she did. You're so fucking smart and calm… you never used your fists, and you weren't jealous like me."

"Oh I was jealous Finn. I'm still so jealous. It chokes me sometimes." Phil conceded and Finn nodded gratefully. That was good to hear. "I just got it under control better than you had in the beginning."

"I was jealous for so many reasons Phil…. You just seemed so well fitted to her. Of course, that's cos you are." Finn said, "But so am I." He added softly.

"It's so funny you say that you thought I was a better person." Phil shook his head. "You told me that I helped to make you a better man." Phil recalled, "But all this time, I've been trying to be as good as you. I knew that if I were to compete with the great and practically legendary Finn Nelson, I would have to be the best at every single thing I even thought of doing, to be considered even a third as good." He shook his head. "So you know… you made me a better man too." They both looked at the floor silently for a while.

"This comes as a bit of a surprise given all the shit you put on me about being so fucking dumb." Finn chuckled.

"I spent so much time trying to convince myself you were nothing while simultaneously nearly killing myself to be as good as you." Finn smiled grimly, sympathetically, in reply. "Sure did talk the talk though, didn't I?" Phil shook his head.

"Aye and you walked that walk too." Finn told him. "We both thought the other was better, when really neither of us is." Finn shrugged, "We're just kinda different. But kinda the same. And that's ok." He sighed and looked thoughtfully at his hands. This had been so therapeutic for him, and he could tell it had been helpful for Phil too.

"But we both know her." Phil said softly and Finn nodded.

"That is something we most definitely have in common." Finn agreed.

"I love the way she always changes what her favourite sandwich is." Phillip grinned.

"Oh aye!" Finn laughed, "It's hard to keep up with her food preferences sometimes!"

"I remember when she were first coming over for scriptwriting I didn't know which food she'd be into that week so I got a whole fucking platter of everything I knew she really liked!" Phillip reminisced and Finn laughed, "Oh fuck I looked like such a try-hard knob."

"She got a complex relationship with food." Finn said more seriously.

"Oh yeah." Phil nodded knowingly. "Me too." Phil told him and looked down. Finn appraised Phillip again, his brows furrowing in thought.

"You eat enough?" He asked suspiciously and looked at the plate of half-finished salad beside the bed.

"Most of the time I make myself eat enough." Phil shrugged, "my parents are very strict about what I can and can't eat, and I guess I'd rather eat differently than the way they make me eat." He considered this for a moment, "but I guess I should thank them, because I definitely look like a famous actor now don't I?" He asked with a slight bitter smile.

"Aye that you do." Finn eyed him. "Look at that fucking six pack!" He nodded at Phil's midriff and Phil looked down, "Way too defined, put some fucking fat over your muscles!" Finn shook his head, "you know it's normal and healthy to have a layer of fat."

"So I hear." Phil smiled grimly, "But my mother begs to differ, so here I am. All muscle and skin, very low fat." He looked down at his stomach, "But to be fair, I am thinner than usual at the moment." He added, "I've been sick."

"Aye." Finn said astutely, "Sick." He looked Phil up and down again and then grinned suddenly, "Wanna learn how to box?"

"You what?"

"I finished learning how to be a trainer, I need to start taking on clients soon." He shrugged. "I think I'm supposed to have paying clients, but I'm sure I can figure something out with Rhys."

"I'll pay." Phil said.

"But the painting…"

"That's different." Phil said with a shrug.

"How, cos you're rich and I'm not?"

"No it's different cos I don't have to rent a space to teach you, we'll just be in my room." Phil said, "But you'll have to rent your space at the gm." Finn nodded, "I know how it works, I've got a personal trainer."

"O' course you do with a physique like that." Finn conceded and Phil allowed himself to have a satisfied grin; he'd worked hard for the body he had.

"Plus you're qualified to train me. I don't have any qualifications so…" He shrugged.

"I think your paintings are qualification enough!" Finn answered, "And you'll be me first client." Finn took a deep breath, "That's kinda exciting."

"Wanna alternate Thurasday mornings then?" Phil asked and Finn shook his head.

"You're fit enough to be in that place more than three times a week." Finn said with a tone of authority, "We can do 5am, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays to start." Finn said and Phil opened his mouth to argue but saw the look on Finn's face and snapped it shut. "Good." Finn said when he saw Phil nod slowly.

"Alright." He agreed, "I'll have to move some stuff." Finn shrugged.

"Do it. Boxing's worth it." He scooted back on Phil's bed, reclining with his back against the pillows. "Fuck this is a nice bed." Finn got himself comfortable and Phil narrowed his eyes and Finn's shoes on his bed.

"Shoes dickhead." Phil said and Finn kicked them off in answer.

"Next bit o' business." Finn said and picked up a bit of celery from Phil's plate. "Amy told everyone that you and Rae fucked."

"Oh fuck." Phil lowered his eyes, "Where did she get that from?"

"Sam." Finn answered and Phil looked at him as he rolled his eyes. "I know." Finn replied to Phil's angry face, "he tried to tell me all about what you and Rae got up to." Finn grimaced.

"He wouldn't fucking know!" Phil said slightly angry. "So are you telling me this because you want me to tell you what happened?" Phil asked aghast

"No." Finn answered. "I'm sticking to the promise I made you both."

"Good." Phil said firmly, "I have no intention of ever telling you what happened." He continued staunchly. "It's private. And, I'm sorry but it's none of your business." Phil kept his eyes on Finn, waiting to see what Finn would say. But Finn just nodded his head.

"I agree." He answered, "Because that is what we all agreed to before any of this happened." Finn said in a suggestive voice. "We had a prior agreement." He pushed his point and Phil nodded understanding, "So you know… communication is very important, and we need to maintain it. And make prior agreements." Finn said and Phil caught the slight suggestion, "And don't worry; I'll never break my word to you." He added, "I think a good measure of a man is how well he keeps his word." Finn said, "You have my word that I will never ask either of you to tell me what happened." Phil nodded and looked away.

"Thank you." He said softly. Finn understood Phil's reluctance to share what happened; it was all he had with Rae. He wanted to keep those memories to himself.

"So everyone thinks one or both of us are heartbroken and that I've beaten the crap outta you or that you're ashamed of fucking Rae and that's why you're not in school." Phil tutted exasperated. "They mostly believe I've kicked your arse."

"I fucking hate rumours."

"Aye." Finn agreed, "So I figured that the best way to counter the rumours is for us to openly be buddies and not say a word about whether they're true or not."

"That's also a good way to start a whole bunch of new rumours." Phil sat back against the pillows next to Finn, feeling tired after this huge discussion.

"There's that too." Finn acknowledged, "But the point is we're ok. A lot of the hate Rae's getting is cos everyone thinks our hearts are broken. And we're the two fittest lads in school… So all the girls are being quite particular about it."

"I bet." Phil sighed, "So you want us to swan into school like we're mates pretending we're real happy with the situation with Rae?"

"Aye"

"That'll be much easier for you than me." Phil noted but Finn shook his head.

"Nah, you're a good actor; you can make it believable." Finn said with a cheeky grin.

"So we're gonna pretend to be friends." Phil asked incredulously, "Really? This is your answer. What makes you think I'll do it?"

"I'm gonna use the fact that you'd do anything for Rae far more than she ever will." Finn grinned like the cat who'd gotten the cream.

"Right." Phil said with a clearly unimpressed tone, but he knew Finn had him beaten.

"And we won't be pretending. We are mates." Finn said and took a cherry tomato from the plate. "Who hate each other a little." Finn lit up a cigarette.

"I've got fucking influenza!" Phillip exclaimed in disbelief. Finn reached over his head and opened the window, grinning cheekily at Phil before he took a carrot from his plate. He picked up the remote and turned on Phil's tv, flicking the channels.

"You got a lot of channels." Finn exclaimed.

"Yes." Phil answered dryly, "And there always manages to be nothing on." Finn channel surfed for a while, smoking, ashing in Phil's glass and eating Phil's food. Phil found he didn't mind too much. Eventually Finn stopped on some wrestling and chuckled at it.

"How fake d'you reckon wrestling is?"

"You're asking me this when you can clearly see that they don't hit each other in some shots?" Phil rolled his eyes.

"Aye, but I mean, they do get injuries sometimes."

"Like any stuntman I suppose."

"Do you prefer Jackie Chan or Jet Li?" Finn's tongue went to his back teeth as he waited for the reply.

"Um… probably Jet Li, but you can't discount Jackie's impressive list of movies." Finn made an impressed noise in the back of the throat and kept watching the wrestling.

"Oasis or blur?"

"I dunno…" Phil shrugged, he liked music, but he knew he was out of his depth with Finn on this topic, "Both?" Finn made a less than impressed noise this time and Phil pulled an unimpressed face in response.

"Right but if you had to choose…" Finn persisted, "like they were both gonna be catapulted into the sun and you could only save one." Phil scrunched up his face at Finn in disbelief, "Who would you save?"

"I'd probably try and take out the people who decided to catapult human beings into the sun…" Phil answered as if this was an extremely obvious answer and he couldn't understand why Finn didn't get it.

"So rather than make a decision, you'd put yourself in danger to save everyone?" Finn mused and Phil scoffed.

"Yeah I suppose." He shrugged and Finn considered this.

"Alright." He declared, "I can live with that."

"Why do I feel like this is a fucking job interview?" Phil shook his head.

"If it were, it'd be with a real interesting job with no stiff necked ties and suits and shit." Finn answered and smoked happily. Phil shook his head and got up to get himself another glass of water; he had a second glass in the ensuite and he filled it and sat down next to Finn again, both of them sitting in his bed, leaning on the pillows and watching the tv. They were silent for a long time, both of them mulling everything over and getting used to just being around each other without sniping too much.

"I wish I could hate you." Phil said almost silently and Finn nodded.

"It'd be easier wouldn't it?" Finn agreed, "For us I mean. Not for her."

"She'd hate it." Phil agreed.

"She's been hating it this whole time. The way we've been hating each other." Finn added. "You know, I offered her an open relationship… or polyamory so she could… be with you as well." Phil looked at the side of Finn's face, but Finn kept his eyes on the tv.

"Why did you do that?"

"Cos I want her to have what she needs." Finn answered with a shrug. "And you know… as much as I'd love to hate you Phil, I can't." Finn sighed, "As much as I'd love to have her all to myself. It's not fair to do that if she really needs you." Finn continued, "And also, cos I really feel for you." Finn said, "If I were in your position…" He shook his head, "Fuck man, how are you even breathing?"

"Sometimes it feels like I'm not."

"Yeah." Finn sympathised. "So I told her that if and when she wanted to… it weren't a deal breaker." Phil had already heard this from Rae and he didn't know whether to bless or curse these two for telling him this. On the one hand it was a tantalising piece of hope, on the other hand it was a cruel taunt; a promise of a possibility that might never happen.

"She wouldn't take that." Phil said knowingly

"Not yet." Finn added and Phil looked at him in real surprise. "Don't get me wrong Phil, I'm not gonna be trying to convince her; I like having her to myself. But I'm not gonna be trying to dissuade her either, cos I'll never deny her what she needs. Even if it's you." He added. "So… who knows?" He watched Phil look away with an impossible to read expression. "She's struggling with this whole thing, you know the idea of one true pure love stuff…" Phil nodded in reply, "I'm not struggling with any kind of delusion like that. I know what human beings are like for real." Finn stubbed his cigarette out on the inside of the glass and looked at Phil, "And I know what she's like, and she's a good person."

"Yeah." Phil agreed.

"She doesn't deserve to feel bad because her feelings did something unexpected. So… I decided a little while ago to stop hating you." Finn told him and Phil turned to look at him, "It were actually quite easy cos you're not as much of a knob as I imagined you were. But… I kinda like our banter, you know? I like giving you shit." He said honestly, "But you should know Phil, that I got your back. We are mates. And um… I wanna see you happy."

"Thanks." Phil lowered his eyes, feeling unexpectedly emotional.

"And above all else, we both make sure Rae gets what she needs, deal?"

"Of course." Phil answered instantly.

"Great." Finn got off the bed and picked up his glass, "I'll clean this up downstairs." He said, "And I better see you at the boxing joint at 5am on Monday wanker."

"Fuck off, you feeble-minded evolutionary dead-end." Phil shot back and Finn grinned.

"You should save your breath Phil, you're gonna need it to blow up your date." Finn said with a smug grin.

"Oh that's fucking cold Finn." Phil shook his head.

"Alright, I went out a bit hard, but I've missed you. Got a lot of insults to catch up on." Phil had to blink back unexpected tears.

"I'll be there Monday." He said softly. And Finn nodded.

"Good." He started to turn to leave and saw the plate of half-finished food on the side, "I know it's fucking rabbit food and we'd all prefer a pork and gravy sandwich… but you should finish this food Phil." He looked back at the food, "And make sure you get plenty o' protein, I won't be easy on you."

"Alright."

"Alright." Finn left and Phil watched him leave. He turned and looked at his food. Sighing he picked up his fork and stabbed at a piece of lettuce.

It was time to try and get on with life as best he could.

_'Taut' by PJ Harvey_

Chloe shoved her homework in her backpack. She was spending the weekend at Rhys's again, although her parents thought it was Rae's house this time. She wandered down the driveway ruffling through her bag to make sure she had everything. She put the key into the lock on her car, still half searching in her bag, and swore; she'd forgotten the red underwear she wanted to show Rhys. She looked up in exasperation and sighed. Chloe was about to turn back to the house when movement from the end of the driveway caught her eye.

Ian and Ben were walking towards her. She dropped her bag and tried to pull her keys from the car door, but in her fear and haste she fumbled and had to back up without them in her hand.

Ian approached her slowly and Ben leaned on her car cockily, glaring at her.

"Didn't pick you for the kind of bitch to call the fuzz." Ian looked back at Ben and they shared a smug sneer; Ben's false alibi had gotten Ian out of any charges being laid against him.

"She probably did it so she could claim insurance on the car," Ben mocked, "Cos you gotta know you ain't worth shit, right? Wouldn't bother the cops for you."

"That car was definitely worth a lot more than she is." Ian agreed, standing between Chloe and the end of the driveway. Behind her the house was locked up tight; her parents at the markets. Her mother had insisted her father go this time because there was all sorts of cultural things there that would broaden his horizons. Chloe had rolled her eyes, but been glad to see her mother trying at least.

She was alone again.

It was like he was always waiting for that perfect moment when she was alone.

"Did the dickhead stay with you after that?" Ian asked, only semi interested. "After you fucked up his nice car…?" Chloe continued to say nothing, blocking out their words the best she could and focussing on fighting strategies. She settled into a bent knee posture, her head slightly lowered, her hands coming up in front of her chest. She took a deep breath and steadied herself.

But her nerves were screaming through her body; she knew she didn't have enough practice with multiple assailants yet. Especially not with Ben who'd done a bit of boxing in London. Chloe raised her fists, protecting her head better this time; she's learned from last time. Ben appraised her with an almost impressed look.

"You're right mate. She has had some proper training."

"You two need to leave now." Chloe said as calmly as she could. But Ben shifted, separated from Ian and they both started to approach her, Ian front on and Ben from the side. They were penning her in, moving her towards the front door to her house. Ian stopped and took the keys out of the car and held them up to Chloe with a grin.

"You got an empty girl?" He asked and laughed. "So which is the house key, slut?" Chloe knew that she could keep backing up until her back hit the door or she could stop and fight now. At least out here she had the hope that someone would see her. She held her ground as they approached. She saw Ben stop just in the corner of her eye. She saw his knees bend, ready for Ian's lead. She swallowed, her eyes staying fixed on Ian, but her focus was on her periphery, noticing how tense Ben was. Ian came closer, that cocky grin on his face.

As she had predicted, it was Ben who struck out at her, his hand going for her hair. But she blocked him, spinning to kick him in the face in the same movement. He reeled back, but the problem was Ian was able to grab her from behind. She had been expecting that and twisted to elbow him in the face. Both men had backed off and eyed her more cautiously, both bleeding from the mouth.

"Right." Ben said sourly, "Guess you're not as much of pussy I thought." He shot this at Ian and Ian nodded.

"She got moves now."

"Yeah." Ben said and brusquely walked up to her, "But I'm not gonna play with me food bitch." He jabbed at her face hard, as he would in any boxing match. She ducked out of the way and uppercut his stomach. But Ben was hard and muscled from all that boxing, and her punch did very little to him. Ben grinned as they both came to the same realisation; her only defence against Ben was kicking him. He pushed her hard and executed a series of hard punches and jabs, none of them hitting her, she ducked and weaved, stepping back each time as he advanced.

The minute Chloe's back hit the door she knew she was in trouble; she was out of room now and this neutralised her best weapon. Ian advanced, stopping her from escaping. She knew she had to get herself off this wall and kicked out at Ben, hitting his shins hard, but unless she got one on his face, she wasn't going anywhere. Between Petra working on her kicks, Gus training her to get out of tight situations, and Rhys working on her general fitness and fighting abilities, Chloe's mind was prepared and she decided to try a handstand kick. She had only succeeded doing it once in practice, but if she could pull it off and kick Ben in the face and somehow land it, she knew she could deal with Ian and then she might be able to run.

Chloe sprang into action, appearing to fall to the side, she slammed one hand into the floor, her legs travelling sideways up into the air like she was doing a strange cartwheel. She slammed her feet into Ben's face and rejoiced when she saw him go sprawling on his arse. Her feet slammed back to the pavement, her left ankle twisting painfully. She was crouching for only a moment, when she noticed the shadows; Ian was punching down at her head. With only a millisecond to spare Chloe moved her head to the right, Ian's fist, holding her keys, scraped past her ear and temple, leaving a nasty gash. Chloe used the momentum from her movement to roll completely away from Ian and jumped up immediately nearly collapsing from the pain in her ankle. It had been a risky move to do an un-mastered kick, but she had had no choice. It meant that running from them was not really an option. She looked down the street for any sign of life on a sleepy Saturday morning. She knew that her direct neighbours had gone to the markets with her parents. Screaming might bring her help, but she doubted it, in these streets they'd just mutter about damn kids and close the curtains. But one of them might call the police, and that would be better than nothing. Ben was still flat out on the floor near the car; it looked like he was knocked out. Ian was advancing on her, but she had her back to the street now. She backed up, unable to hide her limp and a sadistic grin lit up Ian's face.

"Oh you're fucked now little girl." He relished her injury. Chloe planted her feet painfully and raised her fists again, focussing intensely on Ian. She would have to put him down and try to run as best she could; there were some family friends 8 houses down, she could call Rhys from there. Ian stopped in front of her, just out of reach.

"D'you know Chlo, I always wanted to fuck you in your bedroom. You always described it like some virginal, barbie princess palace. Imagine fucking you like the whore you are in that room…" He laughed. "Think I might do that afore I take you home." He started to try to worm past her, to get himself between her and the road again. Chloe turned to watch him, but didn't give any ground, if he wanted to get past her, he'd have to get into striking range. "My cousin's a virgin Chlo, and before that fat cunt came and got you, I told him he could bust his nut in you… now you turned me into a liar. How fucking selfish are you?" Chloe narrowed her eyes, anger coursing through her veins, "I mean don't you wanna be useful and worth something?" He asked cockily, "The only worth you've got are your three holes, perfect set o' tits, and a decent body… why would you wanna make yourself fucking worthless, like y'are now?" He'd said things like this to her before, "You're only worth something when there's a dick in you and you know it." Chloe gritted her teeth and raised her fists again, but he just smiled at her, not moving any closer.

And that was when Ben crash tackled her to the ground, thumping all the air out of her. She'd become so focussed on Ian, she'd let herself lose sight of Ben. She rolled onto her side painfully the minute his weight was off her, and started to try to scramble to her feet, but he kneed her in the gut hard. She was badly winded, but she still tried to get herself moving. But Ben's hand was on her throat and he slammed her down into the ground.

"Now isn't this better?" His other hand found its way under her shirt, while she clawed at the hand around her throat; she couldn't breathe. "My man Ian want's his girl to come home now." Ben said to her, his tone menacing, one hand squeezing her breast, the other choking her. "We all want you to come home."

"Careful Ben, I don't wanna fuck a corpse." Ian chuckled. Ben jumped up and pulled Chloe up by the throat, her hands still on his hand, trying to free herself. His other hand reefed at her hair and he shook her.

"You gonna play nice? Or have I gotta fucking hurt you?" He threw her onto the floor and Chloe slammed into the concrete gasping for air. As she lay there panting, Ian and Ben quickly discussing how best to get her back to the car, Chloe's eyes focussed on her car. Her mind desperately tried to think of a way out as she laid there scanning her immediate environment, but not moving for fear of Ben starting in on her again. And then her eyes focussed on the pile of plastic boxes her mother had moved out of the garage and left beside her car as a reminder that Chloe had to give her old childhood things to charity. She had been meaning to do that sometime soon. She knew there was a softball bat amongst those boxes. She looked at the shadows, but the early morning tilt of the sun made it hard to gauge with complete accuracy where they were; it had been a lucky thing with Ian's punch earlier.

Chloe suddenly burst into action, crawling under the car before they had chance to realise she'd moved. But they were both on their knees instantly; Chloe was infinitely grateful for that. If one of them had thought to come around the car, they might have cut her off from her boxes. Ian grasped her ankle and she easily kicked him off and was up and out the other side of the car in a flash, her stomach cramping in agony, but her determination driving her forcefully forward. The bat was leaning against the garage door and she snatched it up, dove across the bonnet of the car and took a swing at Ian's face as he was starting to get up. He bought his arm up in time and the bat made a heavy thunking noise against his forearm causing him to scream out.

"STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" She screamed at him and brought the bat down again, hitting her car as he ducked and then scooted away, dropping her keys as he went. Ben was up on is feet, but backing away. Ian managed to get up and backed away with Ian as Chloe hobbled towards them, softball bat in her hands, her eyes wild and filled with fury, her hair a matted tangled mess, blood pouring from the wound on her temple. "I will fucking kill you if you ever touch me again. I swear to fucking god, I will kill you both."

She took another step forward and they backed up again.

"What's going on?" They heard a man's voice call from across the road. Ian and Ben ran, and Chloe collapsed onto her knees with relief, tears stinging her eyes. But she would not let one of them fall. Not one.

_'Don't Dream It's Over' by Crowded House_

The fact that Chloe had rung Rhys and not her parents, even though her father had just gotten a mobile phone, was not lost on Chloe. She knew who she could trust.

She had called him from her room. Part of her wanted to collapse and cry. Part of her wanted to sit and stoically stare at her bedroom wall so she could stop the threat of these tears.

What she did instead was take her suitcase and start to pack.

She hadn't asked Rhys if she could move in. But she knew he would not refuse her, even though it was his safe place to escape the world. She had a moment of feeling bad for intruding upon his safe place, but her overriding, desperate need to not spend another day in this house was urging her forward.

He knew where she lived, and unlike Saul, he wasn't going to stop.

Next time it'd be four guys, and they'd bring weapons.

She knew it.

She wanted him dead.

But more than anything right now, she wanted out of this house.

Rhys had a key for the house; Chloe had given it to him after Ian's first attack. He had tried to knock, but there was no answer. She had called, calm simply saying he had to pick her up now. He saw the dent in her car and knew something was wrong.

He unlocked the door and called her name. He had considered being quiet so he could have an advantage against any intruder. But he knew that Chloe did not like to be snuck up on.

He saw a splatter of blood on the floor and immediately ran up the stairs to her room.

Chloe heard someone on the stairs, she had been so engrossed in her packing she had not heard him call her name. But the stairs creaking had set her heart racing. She picked up the softball bat and turned to swing it at whoever came through her door.

Rhys saw the bat flying at his shoulder. It was probably meant to be aimed at his head, but his height made that difficult. In the seconds he had before impact, Rhys realised that if he tried to duck it would hit his head, and the door frame made it impossible for him to fully dodge the blow. He rotated so the bat would hit the fleshiest part of his upper arm and braced himself.

Chloe realised it was him too late and couldn't completely pull up on the force. The bat hit his arm with a solid whack. Rhys grunted in pain. Chloe had been dropping the bat as it struck him, in an effort to stop the blow, the momentum of her swing too great to stop it, so the force had not been enough to break his bone, and the bat flew off on a tangent but clattered harmlessly to the ground.

"Oh god!" Chloe cried in horror, her voice raspy because of the damage done to her throat from the choking. "I'm sorry!" She rushed to put her hands over the place where Rhys had been hit, but he saw the blood all over her, the temple wound still oozing quite a bit. Her body was covered with scrapes from her mad dash under the car and ugly purple bruises had come up on her throat. Rhys took her face in his hands.

"Chloe." He whispered. His calm voice, his kind eyes. His mere presence. The tears came and he immediately wrapped her in his arms.

He knew what had happened. He needed no explanation. And when he saw the half full bag on her bed, he understood that too. She was curling up and he easily picked her up into his arms and sat on her bed with her in his lap, curled up almost like a tiny child, crying. He held her, stroking her hair silently, her bleeding temple pressed into his chest listening to his heartbeat.

But her tears stopped abruptly and she shook her head.

"I have to get out of here." She told him and he nodded.

"Let's get your stuff." He answered without hesitation, understanding that she needed to pack now; nothing else would help her right now. She finished packing in just a few minutes. But as soon as she was done, Rhys made her let him look at her wound. He made a small noise and then took her head in his hands again, looking her deep in the eyes, he spoke in a calm, firm voice. "These need stitches Chloe." She nodded slowly, "I'm going to take you to the hospital for stitches. Then I 'm going to take you home, ok?" She hesitated, "You don't have to say a word to the doctors, I'll deal with it all, ok?" She nodded and he took her protectively into his arms. He didn't like taking such a strong line with a grown woman who could make her own decisions, but she was very mentally shocked and exhausted right now, and she clearly wasn't in the right emotional space for thinking.

He led her down the stairs, stopping in the kitchen to leave a note for her parents asking them to call him, and to make a call to Sana, Zhu answered and told him she was at work. Which is what he had wanted. Another phone call, this time to the hospital, and then they were on their way.

When they arrived at the hospital, Sana was waiting for them in the ER, wearing scrubs and looking concerned. She was an intern, and she calmly and proficiently dealt with Chloe's wounds, without a single word, just as Rhys had asked on the phone. Chloe had needed two stitches in the lobe of her ear, and two stitches on her face at the temple. Sana wrote Chloe a script for some antibiotics and quietly spoke to Rhys about wound and bruising care. After that Chloe had given her a grateful hug and left silently, Rhys squeezing Sana's hand in thanks before he followed.

When they arrived home there was two messages on his phone; and angry, belligerent one from Chloe's father, and a slightly panicked, pleading one from her mother.

Rhys had picked up the phone, but Chloe shook her head and took the phone.

"Hi Mum." Rhys tried to not visibly wince at how raspy her voice was. There was a long panicked monologue on the other side of the phone. Chloe looked completely disinterested in her mother's upset rant; she was just too exhausted. "Ian and his friend Ben attacked me." There was another tirade of panic. "Mum." Chloe said softly, "Mum." But her mother kept speaking. Chloe sighed and just spoke over the top of her in a quiet, rasping monotone. "I'm staying at Rhys's until it's safe to come home." There was a moment of stunned silence then another deluge of panicked speaking. Chloe looked up at Rhys and he held onto her arm to steady her; she was starting to sway. "No, I'm not moving in with him. I'll be in his spare room." Chloe told her mother, "Mum… Mum… Look I won't move in with Rhys under these circumstances. When I do that it'll be because we love each other, not because I'm afraid to be at home. I'll be in his spare room mum. It's safe here. Ok?" Chloe looked up at Rhys with worried eyes as her mother spoke, "mum I can't invite you into Rhys's home, I'm a guest here too…. cos I told you I'm not moving in, it's not permanent… it's just till it's safe to go home." Chloe saw that look of resignation on Rhys's face as he wiped his face and grabbed the pen and paper he kept beside his phone, writing a message for her.

_Invite them over if you want_

Chloe shook her head resolutely. This was his safe haven; she wouldn't invite two racists into it. Rhys just wanted to make things simpler and easier on her. Mr Meow came in and wrapped himself around her legs, looking up at her longingly.

"Mum, I'm hanging up now… because I have a head injury and I lost some blood so I need to rest… yes I've been to the hospital… I'm fine but I need to rest now. I love you and dad and I'll come over with Rhys soon." She hung up the phone while her mother was still speaking and then took the phone off the hook making them unreachable by phone, "To pick up more clothes." She finished the sentence.

"I'll put your bag in the spare room?" Rhys said as Chloe headed to the lounge and collapsed. Mr Meow jumped up onto her lap immediately, stretching out, he put his head under her chin and purred loudly. Chloe smiled sadly at the cat and stroked behind his ears as Rhys picked up her bag and headed to the spare room. Chloe leaned back on the lounge with Mr Meow, and seeing the blood on her shirt she carefully put Mr Meow on the seat beside her and took it off and flung it across the room. That motion made her decide to fling all her clothes across the room. She sat back down on the lounge and stared at the phone off the hook, Mr Meow instantly crawled back up onto her chest, his head under her chin; it was strangely comforting and she hugged him gratefully, stroking his fluffy ginger fur. She closed her eyes and listened to Rhys making the spare bedroom habitable for her and smiled. She loved that man so much. She looked over at the phone knew Rhys had to be contactable because of his business, but he had left it off the hook for her. She got up, carrying Mr Meow with her and put it back on the hook as he walked back in. He noticed the bruising on her stomach and breasts but said nothing; she didn't even notice how much his eyes took all of her in.

"I need more training." She said bitterly.

"I think I need to have a talk to Ian." Rhys said softly.

"No." Chloe said firmly. "He'll have the fuzz on you so fast… you'll be in jail before you've even left his house." She sat back down on the couch, Mr Meow again settling in with her, "I know how it works with black men and the prison system Rhys." Rhys didn't argue; this was not the time for that.

"What's your comfort food missy?" He asked soothingly.

"Pizza… garlic bread."

"Ordered in, or do you want me to make it for you?"

"Ordered in. I want you right here beside me."

"Alright." He ordered the pizza and sat down beside her, still fully clothed.

"How long?"

"An hour." Chloe nodded and put Mr Meow on the seat beside her. He started to clean himself contently and she looked back at Rhys.

"Can you help me shower?" Chloe lowered her eyes, "I feel weak and shaky… but I need to get this off me."

"Of course." He picked her up without a word and she let her head fall against his chest.

"Every time we get a full weekend to ourselves that bastard shows up." Chloe lamented her voice wavering with emotion.

"You won't have to worry about him here." Rhys answered her reassuringly.

Rhys's friends, especially Aiyana, often described him as like the Earth itself; solid, stable, slow moving in many regards, swift in others. But there was a molten core to the earth, and it could show itself in many ways. People like Elsa, Tom and Chloe had seen the molten core in a sexual way.

But there was pressure building up in his core. A volcano brewing. He would respect her wishes to leave Ian alone. That was the kind of man he was; he could never disrespect such a clear no. But he could feel that raging fire in his belly.

He wished Tom was here to spar with. They could beat the shit out of each other and he'd calm some of the fury in his core. Finn was good, but he didn't like pain like Tom did; he could get away with using his full force on Tom. He took a deep breath; controlling this fire would be difficult, but he would do it for her. Because she was right; if he went to Ian's place right now, he'd be leaving in police custody. And she needed him. He'd be no use to her in jail. That was more important. That was what he kept in the front of his mind, while the fire quietly brewed in his core.

_'Aneurysm' by Nirvana_

Rae collapsed onto Finn's bed, the blanket bunched up under her lower stomach, but she didn't care. He was still in the shower, and her hair was still a bit damp; she'd done a bad job drying it. She pulled out one of his music magazines and read it, enjoying the sun streaming in on her bare back, arse and thighs.

Saturday mornings were the stuff joy was made of; well they were today. Finn's parents were off at the markets. They had the place to themselves until lunch time and it was glorious. The early morning sun was streaming through the windows; Rae was mostly caught up with her homework, Finn was in a particularly chipper mood, and they were alone for once. Alone time was getting scarcer and scarcer, and every time they had it, they savoured it.

Finn came out of the bathroom and sauntered into his room, naked and dripping water, towelling his hair dry. The first thing he saw was Rae lying on his bed on her stomach, the sun making her skin glow. He loved the way she glowed. The next thing he noticed was that with all the blankets bunched under her lower stomach like that, her arse was raised up, and she looked like she was presenting herself to him.

He stopped in the doorway and leaned on the frame and watched her silently as she read and slowly, absent-mindedly detangled her hair with her fingers.

She was stunningly beautiful. The way she moved so un-self-consciously now was breathtaking. Her confidence had made the past few weeks of their sex life go into overdrive; she was initiating sex every time now and he was so turned on by this that he wanted her more than he ever had. There was something so erotic about having your lover seduce you, command you, want you, demand your sex. Finn understood why Rae had been so addicted to his dominance earlier on; he was loving her dominance now.

But when she laid like that… it made him feel like being in control again. These past few weeks had been her exploring his body, pushing him and his limits, and yes, he had experienced things he had not expected to experience, including several multiple orgasms. And the finger had gone up his arse, and he'd quite liked it, just like Chop had said he would. Confident Rae, dominant Rae was incredible. But Finn felt like today might see the return of submissive Rae… just for the day. He'd gladly be her dog again tomorrow, after all, he'd spent a lot of time being the more dominant sexual partner in the relationship, he was happy to have the balance evening out. It was what he had always wanted for them. He wanted them to have equal power like they were getting closer and closer to now. And all the work they'd done with therapy, communication… honesty, it was all contributing. Finn was surprised that honesty had been much harder to handle than communication. He had never been a talker, but communication had been a doddle in comparison to honesty. People most certainly did hide what was true and honest. Kester had told Rae that, and had later told him that in therapy. People do a lot to hide the truth. Because the truth can be brutally painful. And terrifying. But they were past the worst of the honesty thing. They understood each other intuitively, knew each other intimately, and supported each other completely. This is the relationship people dreamed of having. But they didn't understand just how much work it took to get here. He stilled his mind; he didn't want heavy thoughts now, not when that arse was sticking up in the air like that. He hadn't had nearly enough time with that arse over the past few weeks; Rae in charge meant he spent a lot of time going down on her and being ridden. Mixed in with some fantastic moments of pain and bondage that he had truly enjoyed; his masochistic urges were very real it turned out, but not as real as Tom's they learned early on; they had found his pain limit with the first caning, he didn't imagine he'd want it more painful than that. But that had been incredible. He had also spent a lot of the past few weeks tied up during sex. He hadn't had a blow job in a while though, not since she'd decided to try the finger thing, and it had been incredible, but that had been last week. He had absolutely no complaints about any of this; he was thoroughly enjoying Rae discovering sex as the more dominant partner. She was slowly but surely pushing herself into new territory and he loved every second of it.

But that arse… well it was glowing in the sun…

He dropped the towel and went over to her, straddling her legs.

"Urgh! You're all wet Finn!" She laughed and hit his thighs. But his hands went straight to her arse and pulled the cheeks apart roughly, showing her cunt and arsehole. Rae gasped. It had been a while since Finn had shown just how lusty he could be like this. His lust had been contained by bondage and gags lately, his urges brought down to begging for her. She had enjoyed being dominant. As he kneaded her arse, Rae became aware that they hadn't even made love all that often since that first night after their reunion in Lincoln; she had been on that much of a power trip. And Finn had gladly been a long for the ride. She knew how much he was enjoying it by the multiple orgasm, the begging, the lusty looks across the library tables at school and by the fact that he would whisper how much he was loving this to her, during dinner with their parents every day. He revelled in the way she had been enjoying his body these past few weeks. But she could tell he wanted to enjoy her body today. Rae considered whether to let him, or whether to assert her dominance as his fingers dug into her arse wonderfully. She felt that old familiar singing in her cunt that she got whenever bruises were getting put on her arse. His fingers were digging in painfully; it was exquisite. She groaned slightly and let her head fall forward onto his magazine as she felt his breath on the back of her thighs. She raised her arse higher and Finn chuckled triumphantly; she was gonna let him have her today. He wouldn't have minded a bit of a power struggle between them, but perhaps that would be another day. Today she seemed to be rolling over like a kitten.

He licked the back of her thighs with the flat of his tongue and she groaned, raising her arse even more as his tongue languorously travelled up her thigh, ending just before he got to her vagina. She groaned and he continued to slowly lick the back of her thighs, slowly adding in kisses, and then bites, his hands staying on her arse, pulling the cheeks apart, exposing her cunt to him. Rae settled her head in her arms and closed her eyes, groaning happily; he'd never licked the back of her thighs before and she was enjoying it immensely. She wondered why she'd never thought of doing more things in this position, it was almost like getting a massage; she could close her eyes and relax and just enjoy it all.

Finn moved his hands, bringing his thumbs closer to her perineum and pulled her cheeks apart again. Rae felt herself stretching out and sighed happily as she felt his breath on the back of her thighs again. This time he licked and bit harder, faster, moving ever closer to her pussy. Rae felt tingles erupting up her spine and she let herself shiver delightedly as his tongue finally slicked over her clitoris. She groaned contentedly and didn't even care how awkward a position it was for oral sex. The change in angle was remarkably good, and she had no doubt she'd be getting him to do this again. She felt her hips starting to grind slightly, her cunt pulsing with pleasure as he lengthened his licks to take in her whole cunt.

The moment she felt his tongue on her perineum she knew what was going to happen, and she simply groaned and grinned to herself. This was so fucking dirty. And she loved the whole idea of it now. She almost laughed at herself and how much she had changed from a year ago. Here she was face down arse up, grinding her cunt into her boyfriend's face, knowing that he was edging towards rimming her for the first time, and she loved it. She could have never predicted she'd end up here, but she was so glad she had.

Finn opened his mouth wide as if to devour her entire cunt and licked her clit more ferociously making her squirm and groan. He did this until her groans changed in pitch and he knew she was growing close to coming, and then he stopped and liked from her clitoris to her arsehole one long lick. Rae groaned loudly, gasping and shuddering in relish.

"Is that good?" His voice was husky with desire. He had liked it, it was intimate, new, exciting. And a little dirty. He hoped she liked it, and it seemed like she did.

"Aye." Her voice was high with impending orgasm. He made a lusty noise in the back of his throat and dove in. His tongue rimming her sent shivers through her pelvis to her cunt. Her cunt contracted almost violently, almost as if it would orgasm, but it wasn't, it was aching for cock. Rae groaned louder; her desire intense. She came to the realisation that the entirety of her arse was the perfect weapon for edging her. Unlike the traditional method of masturbating and stopping, until you're going mad with desire to cum, her arse didn't seem to have the chance to make her cum… it just made her want cock in her vagina so bad that she felt like she was literally dying of thirst for it. It made her desperate to cum, she felt like she could easily become one of those cock-crazed whores that guys seemed to talk about just form some good hard slap on her arse, but when he did this, or fingered her, the urge was far more intense. She felt like she needed cock in her vagina so bad she would die without it. Edging through masturbation was good… this was better. She remembered the sex show and how amazing the orgasm had been when he'd finally let her cum. He hadn't really done that to her since then, and she wouldn't mind experiencing him controlling her orgasms, edging her for hours or days even. But not today. But she couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to have anal sex; if it was anything like her other experiences in that area, it would edge her perfectly. She imagined Finn getting his rocks off anally, and edging her for a few days until she was gasping and coming close to orgasm, practically dry humping his leg, from his fingers running down her spine. She had edged him for days during redgate and that had been fun. It hadn't really edged her though; she never felt that horny during her period. But she did always want him, even when she was cramping and cranky. The last time either of them had been edged was the excruciating 2 weeks after the IUD had gone in. She needed to play with edging a little more; the orgasms after it were truly spectacular.

She groaned loudly as he slid his fingers into her cunt.

"So wet." He groaned happily. The wetter she was, the happier he was. She made up her mind to tell him about her fantasy; he'd make sure it happened in the future, when they'd gotten that far. She was yet to experience anything other than a finger up there; she might hate it or be indifferent to it like Chloe was. But if it made her feel like the rest of the anal play, it would be a welcome addition to their sex life.

Finn felt her beautiful vagina pulsing around his fingers. He knew she wasn't coming, this was her body aching for his cock; he had felt it before when he'd finger her arse; he knew what effect it had on her. He could hear her groaning louder, the urgency in her tone was not orgasm, it was a command for him to make her cum immediately. And he felt like appeasing her urge. He withdrew his finger from her cunt and let his tongue travel back down to her clit. He lapped at it aggressively, making her gasp raggedly, her moans rising in pitch instantly. Moments later her body was shaking with orgasm, her breaths coming out in loud high pitched groans.

As soon as her body stopped shuddering he repositioned himself, straddling her upper thighs, his cock rubbing along her crack. He watched her thrust backwards into him, wanting him inside of her. But he kneaded her arse instead, Rae groaned.

"Fuck me." She demanded.

"All in good time girl." He told her and slid his fingers back into her cunt, slicking them with her juices. He trailed them from her cunt up along her perineum to her arsehole and slowly slid a finger in. She groaned.

"I need to you fuck me Finn." She said urgently. But he chuckled.

"You want me to gag you?" He threatened and she made a noise of frustration but didn't reply. She was silent for a moment, but she couldn't stop herself from gasping with desire as he twisted his finger around gently, savouring the feel of her. Carefully, he slid a second finger in, Rae was acutely aware of the second finger, and wondered how they'd ever fit his penis in there. She groaned louder as he slid his fingers in and out, her cunt was aching and contracting in rhythm with his movements.

"Finn!" She pleaded.

"Not yet." He loved to tease her like this. He withdrew his fingers and gently pressed the head of his cock against her arsehole. She gasped and held her breath. She knew it wasn't about to happen; they had both agreed to use plenty of lubrication, but just feeling that pressure there made her whole body freeze in anticipation. She got a small tingle of fear in the pit of her stomach; she loved a small amount of fear, it heightened every sensation a little. She felt his cock slide down her crack and deliciously slide into her wet cunt. Finn groaned appreciatively; the view was impressive, and straddling her thighs, keeping them pressed together while he slid into her cunt felt so very dirty somehow.

"Got a thrupenny milady?" He asked her in a dirty tone.

"Couldn't fit one between me thighs." Rae returned, gasping with pleasure. Her thighs were squeezed together tightly, pressing against her clitoris perfectly. The position in general was incredible, her vagina felt more sensitive, or like his cock had found some hidden area inside of her that had put her onto the journey towards orgasm almost immediately. Finn was fucking her in a nice deep, slow rhythm, his fingers kneading her arse again. It came as absolutely no surprise to her when he slipped his two fingers back into her arse. She again felt her cunt throb for cock, even as he fucked her deeply. This was one of Rae's favourite sensations; it was so insatiable. Her cunt acted and craved a good fucking; it didn't matter that she was getting that fucking, her cunt wanted more when anal play was included, it made her cum in long slow orgasm, that made her whole pelvis pulsate with pleasure.

Rae couldn't help but groan uncontrollably every time his pushed his cock into her as deep as it could go. She reached beneath herself and squeezed her fingers in to rub her clitoris. Finn noticed what she was doing and encouraged her with a load groan of appreciation. They understood each other so well that she knew what he was groaning for and looked over her shoulder at him with a sinuous expression, her tongue seductively licking the corner of her open mouth. She kept her face as towards him as she could manage as she felt her eyes roll back in her head, the pleasure was starting to drive everything from her mind as her orgasm started to build. Finn's eyes stayed on her face as her groans grew more guttural and drawn out. He thrust in harder, faster and ground his cock into her each time before the slow withdraw. He felt her cunt contract around his cock sharply, then her hips bucked, her arse pulsed around her fingers, there was a millisecond of still silence… and then she erupted loudly into orgasm, her body shuddering violently, Finn grinding his cock deep inside of her. He had to force himself to focus so he didn't cum just from the feel, sight and sound of her orgasm; it had been a powerful one.

Rae's body went limp for a moment as she gasped, exhausted from the orgasm; she was sure her stomach muscles would be feeling that for days; the pulsating contractions through her entire lower body had been so strong. Finn continued to thrust slowly into her, watching his cock sliding In and out, glistening with her cum. The minute she started to moan like she might cum again, he withdrew his cock from her cunt, and his fingers from her arse. A deeply frustrated sound came from the back of her throat, but Finn ignored it and slid his cock up her crack to press it against her arsehole again, she groaned, a high note of desire in her voice. He slid it back down her wet crack to her cunt, letting the head slide in slightly, before withdrawing, to slide his cock back up to her arsehole and press it there a little firmer.

Rae could feel herself stretching ever so slightly, starting to yield to his gentle, firm, but still gentle, pressing. She groaned and ground her hips slightly; finding herself wanting him to do it. But he slid his cock back down to her cunt, slipping the head in again. Rae kept her rhythmic hip grinding going as he continued to slide his cock up and down her crack, pausing at her arse each time to press, slipping into her cunt slightly each time. It was driving her wild and her hips sped up as she grunted with frustration.

"Just fuck me!" She commanded.

"Bit of a temper girl." Finn teased cockily, pressing the head of his dick against her arse again.

"Fuck you!" She moaned angrily. He chuckled but kept doing it, each time pressing slightly firmer against her arsehole. "Fuck me in the arse Finn." She said suddenly and Finn paused, the head of his cock in her pussy. He slid his cock back up to her arsehole and pressed it again.

"You wanna get fucked in the arse girl?" He asked.

"Yes." Rae was enjoying the teasing; the way her cunt ached was incredible, she wanted to know if anal sex would make it ache even more. He pressed a little harder and she whimpered as she felt herself starting to open slightly more for him.

"But the lube is all the way over there." Finn pointed at her wardrobe momentarily, pressing his cock even harder against her arsehole. Rae whimpered again, she could feel herself stretching more and she knew she was nowhere near penetration yet, "and your cunt's right here." His voice was lusty as he guided his cock back down her crack and slammed his cock back into her cunt. "I wanna cum right now." He said as he started to fuck her again. Rae grabbed hold of the bed and threw her head back as he fucked her hard and fast. She wanted him to grab her hair if he was gonna fuck her this hard, and after all that dirty, sexy control he'd been exerting. He got the hint and grabbed a handful of hair, pulling her head back almost brutally. She gasped happily and put her hands on the bedhead to help herself achieve the back arch he was giving her by the way he was pulling her hair back. He smacked her arse hard with the other hand and she started to almost scream with ecstasy. She had missed this rough fucking.

Finn, feeling close, sped up, fucking her harder, making the bedhead slam against the wall. He pulled her hair back further, Rae barely able to make a sound now, the strain on her body to hold this position was so intense. Finn wrapped his other hand around her mouth, sliding two clean fingers into her mouth. And she came, spectacularly, utterly silent, unable to make a sound.

"I'm gonna fuck your arse like this one day Rae." He told her as she came, "This position… this is the one we're gonna do it in." She wanted to scream yes at him but could barely make a sound. He pushed her forward, his hand still in her hair, pulling it hard, the other hand still over her mouth, and let his weight fall onto her back. She could make noises again and started to groan as a second orgasm rocked her.

"I'm gonna fuck you hard, then I'm gonna slide my cock into your arse, and fuck you even harder." He whispered into her ear, taking his hand off her mouth.

"Please." She begged, wanting him to do it now. "Do it." She pleaded. "Do it!" He covered her mouth again.

"Not today girl." She swore angrily at him through his hand, before starting to plead for him to do it again, her words muffled completely. He sped up again, fucking her as brutally hard as he could, and pulled her hair roughly, enjoying the control and the way her gasps and moans sounded with his hand over her mouth. Finn felt and incredible wave of pleasure spreading from his groin. He was getting close.

And the door opened.

"Guess what I got you guys at the-" Kenzie stopped dead in her tracks, her jaw dropping in horror.

"GET OUT!" Finn yelled at her. Rae tried to get up and hide, but Finn's weigh on top of her made her struggle futile. He was still inside her, still now, but his hand was still over her mouth, he was still pulling her hair. Kenzie closed the door immediately and they heard her running down the stairs.

The minute the door was closed Finn's hips slowly started to move again. He took his hand of Rae's mouth.

"Oh my god Finn." She whispered."

"Can I finish?" He asked, not able to focus on anything else but how close he'd been.

"But your mum…" Rae fretted over what she must think.

"Rae I don't really care about that right now." He muttered, "She'll be just as shocked and angry in 15 minutes as she is now." He looked down at her, the hand in her hair loosening. "If you wanna stop of course I will… but I'd really like to keep going."

"I was close too." Rae admitted. "I wanna finish." She said feeling slightly guilty; there was going to be a big problem with Finn's mother now.

"Yeah?" He made sure.

"Fuck me." Rae ordered in a firm voice and Finn groaned in response. "Use me like a whore."

"I fucking love your dirty talk girl." He groaned again in response to her, his words carried and elongated by his lust for her. He tilted his hips and ground himself deep into her, making her groan deeply. They both enjoyed it when he was deep inside of her and then proceeded to fuck her by grinding himself in even deeper. He slowly built up momentum, letting her have time to build up her orgasm again. This was time he did not need. He had been ready to blow his load after her first orgasm just over half an hour ago. He honestly wasn't sure how he'd managed to not cum yet; his focus was getting better. He tensed up his stomach, making himself hold on for her. His abdomen shuddered slightly from the effort, but he managed to hold on as he increased his speed, hearing her moaning, but trying to keep it quiet now.

"Put your hand over me mouth." She ordered him; she wasn't good at being quite when she came. Finn happily complied, his hand tangling with her hair again, pulling it roughly. She groaned, and his thrust came harder and faster until he was fucking her as hard as he had been before. He made himself wait until he felt her coming beneath him. He was groaning, almost unable to hold himself anymore when he finally felt that pulsating in her cunt he'd been waiting for, her moans, muffled by his hand, intense and high. He let himself cum with a load groan, yelling out in pleasure.

"Fuck." He grunted as his whole lower body contracted and shuddered violently. His orgasms had been stronger since her confidence had grown and this one was no different; it had nearly knocked him on his arse it had been so good. He collapsed on top of her gasping for air, his hands instantly loosening from her mouth and hair. She was also gasping happily. Their bodies heaving together rhythmically. Finn ran his hand down her body, her skin was soft, her curves incredible, the movement of their gasps for breath was sexual. He thrust again slowly, brushing aside her hair he kissed the back of her neck, making her sigh contently. He kissed her shoulders and back. Her hand came up to rub his side and he took his weight off her so she could turn around and face him.

The moment she did they started kissing deeply. Rae wrapping her legs around his waist and Finn thrusting back into her. He didn't care that there was already a huge sticky mess going on between her legs; he wanted to make love to her right now.

The blankets were still under Rae, but instead of under her lower stomach, they were under her arse now, tilting her pelvis up. The moment Finn entered her she groaned loudly.

"We gotta tilt me like this more often." She whimpered as he pushed his full length in.

"Aye?" He asked, always keen to learn new ways to pleasure her. She nodded.

"It's fucking incredible." She buried her face in his shoulder and groaned as he slowly slid out of her. She threw her head back and gasped with pleasure, thrusting up to meet him as he thrust his hips down into her. Her breathy gasps were muffled though, by his lips as they kissed, his hands stroking her hair and face, their bodies pressed together, her arms wrapped around his neck.

Kenzie had been stunned when she had heard the rhythmic banging noise continue. She had watched Gary putting on the kettle as if it were nothing. They had heard Finn cry out and her eyes had grown wide; this was not something she wanted to hear.

There was a silence that followed, so loud that Kenzie started to scratch at the skin on the back of her hand as she sat in the kitchen watching her husband calmly sipping the tea he'd made as their son fucked upstairs.

"I don't understand how you can be so calm… how you can just let him do that under your roof." She shook her head.

"We do it." Gary answered.

"But this is your house, Gary. Your rules…"

"Those two will always find a way to have sex Kenzie." Gary said, "I'd much rather that they do it up there, safely in his room, than in the back seat of their car in a car park somewhere. Anything can happen out there. The best we could hope for is the police will send them home… possibly with a charge for public nudity or something even worse." Gary reasoned, "The worst case scenario is of course a crazed murderer seeing them and…" He shrugged with a small smile. "It's different Kenzie. When he was ten, the right or wrong decisions for us to make for him were so much easier to determine." He sipped his tea, "Now he's a young man, being a parent is… fucking impossible, frankly." Gary shook his head, "no matter what you want for him, he's gonna do what he wants."

"Gary, you're wrong." She had never told him he was wrong. "He needs guidance, and no one is giving it to him."

"You can't really expect him to not be having sex at his age?" Gary narrowed his eyes in disbelief.

"That wasn't sex." She almost whispered, "It was violent."

"Violent?" Gary's brows furrowed in concern, "violent how?"

"He…" She paused, hesitating to share this information„ "He had his hand over her mouth, and he was pulling her hair…" She lowered her eyes and Gary wiped his face with his hand and considered this. He licked his lips and looked at Kenzie with a twinkle in his eyes, a slight smile playing on this lips.

"Remember when we were fifteen, and you asked me to fuck you harder… harder… faster?" He asked, she looked up at him, her brows drawn together, confused as to what he was getting at. "I nearly winded myself going harder and faster for you. But it felt amazing, and then… when you were coming, you asked me to put my hands around your throat." A sudden moment of recognition hit Kenzie's face.

"Oh god." She muttered, "I totally forgot that."

"And I did it." Gary continued. "And you said power was totally sexy. Remember?" She nodded her head. "What d'you reckon our parents would have thought of that?"

"Oh Gary." Kenzie shook her head and looked away, "The amount of times I asked you to hold me down…" She looked back at him, "My father would have killed you if he'd ever walked in on it." She suddenly laughed. And put her hands in her face. "An English laying hands on his little girl." Gary laughed too. "Oh no." She said, embarrassed. "A dinnae ken why I get so wound up about Finn." She groaned and put her head on the table. Gary reached across the table and took her hand. "It's like I can't manage to find the middle ground with him." She lamented softly, "I don't ken how to be in his life." She sat back up, "I worry constantly… I cannae even begin to know how to find something we have in common… and I keep forgetting how old he is… and I don't know how or where to draw lines with him. I'm completely lost when it comes to being his parent"

"I've got all those problems and I've been with him the whole time." He gave her a crooked grin.

"I hate myself for not coming back sooner Gary." She shook her head. "Now I know that you were just waiting for me to come back, like I said I would in that fooking letter… all the years wasted." Tears sprung into her eyes, "A year, two years would have been so much easier to come back from than this."

"I hate that I didn't come after you sooner. If I'd have known that's all you were waiting for Kenzie…" He sighed, "But it's done now, and we've got to try and move forward." She squeezed his hand and they heard a low groan from upstairs.

"Oh god, I thought they were done."

"Nah, they've got a while to go yet." Gary said like a long suffering roommate. They started to laugh. "You still think power's sexy girl?"

"Oh god you haven't called me girl since… When I couldn't go through with the abortion." She whispered, "You told me it'd be alright girl." She looked away.

"We're never telling Finn that, right?"

"Not a chance Gary, come on!" Kenzie shook her head, "I might have made some stupid decisions… but you don't have to worry about that!" They laughed, "You know I was never sorry. From the moment I held him. I never regretted not going through with it."

"Me too." Gary nodded, reminiscing about holding Finn for the first time. "Wasn't sorry for a second." They sat in silence for a moment, another moan from upstairs reaching their ears.

"Still find power sexy… girl?" Gary asked again. Kenzie grinned at him.

"Might do… not really sure what I find sexy anymore." She looked him up and down, "I mean except for the obvious." Gary nodded his head, pleased. "Never got to hold you down." She teased and Gary chuckled.

"Well Kenz, you're still a tiny woman… so I don't see how you're going to accomplish that." He teased back.

"Rope." She shrugged nonchalantly. This confident, nonchalant shrug was something Finn had inherited from his mother. Something Gary had not seen her do since before Grace had died.

"I can take a leaf out of our son's book and put some hooks up around the room…" he grinned, "He thinks I didn't notice." Gary shook his head.

"I saw the one next to his bed." Kenzie said, "So that's what it's for?"

"That's my guess." Gary replied, "I don't know how many he's got hidden around his room, I don't go snooping in there, but I saw the one above his bed. It's quite ingenious, don't you think?"

"I really don't wanna think about anything sexual, in the same thought as Finn." Kenzie pulled a disgusted face.

"It's quite disturbing when you realise your kids are having sex." Gary agreed.

"Speaking of…" Kenzie sighed, "I suppose I better apologise to him."

"I'll go up and chat to him after they've showered." Gary said in a firm voice and Kenzie decided not to argue for once.

Rae pulled the dress on, her hair still in a towel. She knew they'd have to go downstairs; Finn was in the mood for having it out with his mother. She had managed to calm him down enough to not be utterly explosive when he got downstairs; but the fact remained that Finn was sick of her opening his door without knocking. Rae had reminded him that she had knocked a few times… But she had to admit that nine times out of ten, Kenzie just opened his door. She had managed to put things into perspective a little by reminding him that only a few weeks ago her mum had screamed 'get out' at them in the exact same way. Finn was sitting on his bed with his jeans on, sniffing at a shirt, sucking his teeth moodily.

There was a knock on the door.

"Finn? Rae? Can I come in?" It was his father.

"Alright." Rae answered when Finn simply glared at the door. He opened the door and stood in the doorway, his eyes instantly resting on Finn.

"Getting set to take on your ma?" He asked and Finn narrowed his eyes but didn't say a word.

"I think Finn wants to politely ask her to knock first in future." Rae said gently and sat down next to Finn, putting a calming hand on his thigh."

"You coming up here to try and stop me?" Finn said calmly and Gary nodded.

"I know how-"

"She has no respect for my privacy." Finn cut his father off. "You want us to bond and be a proper family, you gotta let me tell her." Finn continued, "You gotta let us argue. Like any other family does."

"Your mother and I have already talked about this." Gary answered firmly.

"That's not good enough!" Finn stood up, "I can speak for myself."

"I know you can Finn." Gary answered wearily, "Trust me, I know you can." He leaned against the door frame. "You have got to trust that I've got your back son." He said meaningfully. "You've got to trust me."

"Da it's not about that."

"No. It's about your mother, and her anxiety, and how hard it's been for her to come back here after everything. It's about how much she loves you, how much time she's lost and how much she hates herself for that. It's about how lost she feels Finn, and how she can't find the middle ground between being in motherly overdrive and not giving you enough motherly love." Finn sat back down on the bed with a thud, his eyes on the floor. "You and me have grown very accustomed to having things a certain way, and I know she mixes things up a bit." Finn looked up at his dad, "But we're both grown men. So we've both got patience, and forgiveness, and understanding."

"She still sees me like I'm 8 da." Finn answered, his anger ebbing.

"I think we've gotten her to seeing you as about 15 now." Gary said with a crooked grin, "if she saw you as 8, Rae would have been out on her arse and you would have been in therapy after what your mother saw." Rae felt herself blushing and she looked down at her hands. "Which," Gary added, "Is none of our business. You're both old enough to do what you want. But I do need to say to you Rae…" He waited till she looked up, "That a lot of girls feel like they have to do what their boyfriends want, in terms of sex, or else they'll lose him. Don't ever do that. If Finn is the kind of dickhead that ever makes you feel pressured to do anything… he doesn't deserve you."

"Dad." Finn was thoroughly unimpressed.

"With you two," Gary continued without looking at Finn, "And knowing my son the way I do, I very much doubt you are being pressured. But I'd be remiss if I didn't say something."

"Thanks Gary." Rae said with an awkward smile, "I promise you I'm fine."

"I'm sure you are." Gary turned his eyes back to Finn, "It's coming together slowly Finn. And in the meantime, how about we put a lock on your door?" He asked, "We'll get one that locks with a key so you can have a locked room even when you're not here." Finn had obviously not expected that.

"Um. Alright." He answered.

"Alright, I'll buy you the lock, you put it in the door?"

"Alright." Finn agreed.

"Alright. Thanks Finn. You're being very patient with me and your mother." Gary gave him a grateful smile and left, closing the door behind.

"Remember when he claimed your porno mags were his." Rae said softly, "Making himself look like a twat in front of Janice?" Finn nodded slowly.

"Alright." Finn understood, "He really does have me back." He grumbled, less moody, "Unless he's asking you if I'm a rapist." Rae grinned as Finn shook his head.

"Well you can't deny the way that would o' looked." She nudged him and he rolled his eyes.

"Aye alright." He furrowed his brows. "You did like it right?" He worried.

"Don't start that shit again Finlay." She tapped his face with her hand, "We're so far past that now, it has to be fucking carbon dated." She got up and went back over to the drawers to fish out some tights. Finn watched her go, his bad mood completely gone, his mind on her and how much he loved her. "I will absolutely put you in your place if you try to start shit I'm not in to." Rae told him confidently and Finn felt a huge dopey grin plaster itself on his face; he just loved her confidence. "So I expect to see you continuing to try all sorts of perverted things Mr Earl." Rae grinned, "In fact I demand it." She closed the drawer and turned to him, "You better not let me down."

_'Bad Reputation' by Joan Jett_

Phillip walked towards the main building of the school, his backpack slung over one shoulder, his whole body feeling stiff from this morning's work out with Finn. He felt larger across the shoulders already, and even though he knew that to be impossible, he still felt himself squaring his shoulders more as he walked.

He noticed the looks he got, from both girls and boys; saw the glances in his periphery and heard whispers as he passed. He walked as if none of it existed. He walked as if he was the king of the fucking world; in honesty he was channelling Finn, nowadays Finn walked with an incredible level of blasé confidence. Phil had noticed that last year, Finn had been less confident, and downright defeated when Rae had broken up with him. But this year Finn walked like he owned the world. Phillip understood that it wasn't a conscious thing; Finn was just happy and confident, and it translated into the way he walked. Phil emulated it, like a good actor does, taking his cues from the things he's seen around him. He emulated Finn because no one fucked with Finn, Finn looked happy and confident, which is what he and Finn had agreed upon; for Rae's sake.

Up ahead he saw Jake; a tennis and chess buddy. He was a fairly well liked lad, and Phil was sure his decent looks had something to do with it; he'd recently grown into his face and constantly had a roguish, rough look about him. He wasn't so stunning looking that all the girls liked him, but he was good looking enough to be able to always find a girl to hook up with at parties.

"Hey Phil." He nodded at Phil, "I gotta ask you… d'you fuck trademark?" Phil had heard Rae's nickname before, but most people knew to call her by her name around him, so he still had to take a moment to realise what Jake was talking about. He laughed and headed towards the main hallway; he had a little bit of sneaky business he wanted to do.

"Tell me Jake, did you wank last night?"

"Oi, you know I don't like talking about self-love." Jake said with a grumpy face.

"Funny that." Phil gave him a pointed look and walked off. Neither confirm nor deny; that was Finn's plan too.

He came to the photo montage of the Summer Ball and saw the photo of him and Rae dancing together. Taking a quick look around he took the photo, and looked at it momentarily before slipping it between the pages of a book in his bag. He walked away from the board, heading towards his registration room. His parents had been in contact with the school multiple times about his time away so he didn't need to provide a letter to his registration teacher, he just had to show up on time as usual.

"Phil!" Izzy threw her arms around his neck the minute he entered the room. "I've missed you!" She grinned. Registration classes were sorted alphabetically and he and Izzy shared this class; he was the only person she knew in the room.

"Phil, did you bang Rae?" Steph, a girl Phil tutored in English asked as she walked past the room.

"You still a virgin Steph?" Phil asked and Steph gave him a dirty look.

"None o' your fucking business." She retorted.

"Yeah." He answered and she shook her head.

"Fine, don't answer." She walked off and Izzy nudged him.

"I thought you and Steph was friends."

"Oh we are." Phil answered. "But Steph's a dickhead, let's not pretend otherwise."

"Sometimes she's a dickhead." Izzy corrected, "She's lovely in dance class… never asked me about the rumours." Izzy pouted, "People ask Amy and not me. I was fucking there, she weren't." She shook her heads, rolling her eyes to denote how stupid everyone was being. They both sighed and Izzy laced her arms around his waist, leading him into the classroom, "C'mon Phil, you've got a hell of a day ahead of you!"

15 minutes later he was dawdling towards his first class. He was still exhausted from his influenza; Finn had had to let him stop several times for coughing fits this morning; and he'd already been asked 8 times if he had fucked Rae. He hadn't been asked if she had fucked him, or if they fucked together. Had he fucked her. The part of him that was shaping up to be a feminist ally hated the fact that the woman was always the passive object in language surrounding sex and physical intimacy. The things that had happened between Rae and he had been entirely mutual, it wasn't just him doing things to her. He hated that kind of language. He walked past the Summer Ball board again and noticed that none of the pictures of Rae were there anymore. He had been considering taking the one of her by herself; but it was already gone. New copies were printed off every couple of days and replaced; the lads on the student council made sure of it, while the girls wanted to just take all the photos down earlier than was traditional at the College. He pulled an unimpressed face at the montage. He felt like ditching his class and sitting outside in the sun instead; he was so exhausted.

"So this is my first day back. Ugh." He muttered to himself. He dawdled, knowing he would be late, but not caring; today he would go easy on himself. He decided to cruise on a slow speed through the entire day.

He heard someone call out slut from around the corner and hoped it was no one he cared about getting bullied, but knowing his luck it'd be Rae… He went to help either way; it wasn't right to bully others.

And there she was walking at a grumpy pace as a few girls followed laughing, calling after her.

"Fat whore!"

"You're such a fucking slut!"

"Aye." Rae shook her head and took a deep breath.

"Why the fuck would those two lads go for fat fuck like you?"

"Cos she's a fucking slut. Puts out easy."

The conversation was rapid fire, so that even as Phil hurried towards Rae, she was called a bitch, a whore, a slag, and a slut numerous times. Just as he got to her, one of the girls spat on Rae, the saliva landing on Rae's arm.

"Hey fuck you!" Phil was there finally. "If we did fuck, I'm as much of a slut as her, spit on me next time you wanna judge someone's private life."

"But she cheated on Finn!" One of them retorted.

"Why are you sticking up for her?" Another asked.

"Why aren't you?" Phil asked, "Girls need to stick together not tear each other down over who might have fucked who." Rae was mostly ignoring the conversation, and was focussed on getting the disgusting blob of spit off her arm by rubbing her jacket on the wall.

"I heard Finn's gonna kick your arse." She sounded worried for his safety. Phil shook his head in response.

"Yeah well Finn's me mate so I really doubt that." He answered easily.

"Fucking bullshit, everyone knows you hate each other." A different girl answered.

"Everyone's wrong." Phil shrugged, "I mean we trained together this morning, so I don't know what to tell you; we're mates." Rae was aware that Finn had decided to take Phil on; Finn had even given her a blow by blow account of their first session this morning as they showered.

"Come on people." Mr Roach moved them all along as he hurried through the corridor, obviously running late for his own class. The girl who had sounded worried for him looked over her shoulder at him as they walked off. Phil, though, was focussed on Rae. She was heading to the disabled toilet, to clean off her arm and have a moment to silently fume.

"You didn't have to do that."

"Yeah I'm sorry, I probably started more rumours." He acknowledged.

"Oh well." She shrugged, "I really don't care what these people think about me Phil." Phil noticed that she seemed to genuinely mean it. "I worry what you think about me… and I worry about what me friends think about. And me family. And Finn."

"Where is Finn?" He asked as he accompanied her.

"Physics." Rae answered. She had a wonderful free period this morning, and was intending to get some work done for drama.

"He needs to be protecting you from this shit; he's the only one that can make everyone back off you, cos they all think King Finn has been broken hearted by you." Phil shook his head, frustrated by how little he could help, "He needs to say something."

"They don't really do it in front of him… in fact they only really get that bad when I'm alone." She told him, "I haven't really told him how bad it's getting." She said with another shrug.

"Why not?"

"I can handle it," She answered honestly, "I honestly don't care what they think Phil."

"Nonetheless, it's his job to help you with shit like this." She got to the disabled toilet and opened the door. He looked at it and nodded that he'd wait for her but she pulled him in and locked the door behind them. Phil stood with his back to the door while Rae went to the sink,

"He's in physics can't be with me all the time." Being in this closed space with her made it impossible for him to not think of her in a more intimate light. He watched her through longing eyes as she took her jacket off and grabbed some hand towels, wetting them and cleaning the area that was spit on completely.

"Well he seemed to do a bang up job of being around all the time whenever I wanted time alone with you." Phil regretted saying it, but she looked over her shoulder at him and a small grin suddenly touched her lips

"That he did." She chuckled and looked back at her jacket. Phil let out a small chuckle.

"He never gave me a moment alone with you." He muttered.

"And now look at us." Rae grinned at him again, this time looking in the mirror. The ache for her was almost overwhelming and Phil made himself look down. He swallowed hard and pocketed his hands.

"I'm gonna talk to him about this, if you won't."

"No Phil, don't." Rae turned to him, her jacket in her hands, falling limply in front of her.

"He needs to know this." He tried to reason with her.

"He's got enough on his plate without dealing with the fallout from this; that's mine." She turned back to the sink; the paper towel had left a wet papery residue where she had used it to scrub the spit off.

"Why is that yours?"

"Cos it's my fault." Rae said, "I'm the one who did this. So I get the fall out." She turned to him with a firm determined face, "Not him. And not you."

"Rae." Phil furrowed his brows; this was tricky territory for him, finding out how to do this friendship thing properly without veering off into the 'hopelessly in love' part of their relationship was new for him. He was used to living in both worlds simultaneously. "That's not how this thing works."

"You and Finn have been so good about this whole thing." She answered, her voice filled with emotion, "I've put you both through so much pain and uncertainty for so long… the fact that everyone else now knows that I've been a twat to both of you is my problem. Not yours, and definitely not his."

"I don't understand why you think you were a twat to both of us. You feel love for two people simultaneously and it took you a while to realise it. That's not something you did to us. You didn't set out with the purpose of hurting us or making us feel bad, or anything at all really." Phil's hands twitched to touch her, "You're not a bad person cos you fell in love Rae." He saw the longing in her eyes momentarily before she lowered them.

"I handled it all very badly." She replied.

"Are you really gonna say that Finn and I both handled it well? Because I can tell you right now that were both happy to admit that we didn't."

"Fuck it's strange you two being on the same team."

"Yeah, you're telling me." Phil answered and she laughed gently. "Rae, you don't have to do this alone."

"Phil-" She stopped, her eyes on his and bit her bottom lip. "I love Finn." She whispered, "You know it'll always be him."

"I know."

"But it hurts when I think about you… about not…" she didn't let herself finish the sentence. She didn't let herself tell him that it hurt her terribly to not be with him.

"I know." Phil answered gently, "Trust me. I know." She swallowed hard and turned back to the sink. Phillip took a deep breath to steady himself.

"It's cos I say things like that, that I think I'm a bad person Phil. Not cos I love. I can't help that I love. But I can learn to keep my fucking mouth shut."

"Ah you wouldn't be you if you did that." He answered genuinely and she turned back around instantly.

"It'd be easier for you if I didn't say stuff like that." She asserted.

"I don't even know what'd be easier for me anymore Rae." He shook his head, "No point thinking about it anymore. It is what it is. I'm in love with you. Nothing's gonna change that… and you… love… me." He said slowly, "Are in love with me." He said carefully, "But, you love Finn more. You have an established relationship with him that brings you great happiness, and comfort. And you've worked hard together for that. Finn's… he's your guy." Phil still wished he could hate Finn, but he already knew he couldn't; he made Rae happy, that made him instantly a good guy in Phil's mind. But more than that; Phil personally knew him to be a truly good man. "And he's a really great guy." Phil added, "I don't think there's anything at this point that could possibly make this any easier." He looked down at the floor. "It's just gotta hurt." He looked up at her and they stared at each other, the longing almost palpable and Rae knew she had to say something to change the charged feeling in the room.

"You're mum kinda hates me." Rae blurted out without thinking; she hadn't intended to tell him that. Phil blinked slowly as if coming out of a daze.

"Pardon?" He asked.

"Oh nothing don't worry." Rae finished up with her jacket and put it back on.

"What did she say to you?"

"She says she don't want me around you no more." Rae decided there was no point in pretending it hadn't happened now, "She's says you can do better. That you will do better. And she's right." Rae stepped forward to leave the toilets, but Phil's hand was out of his pocket before he knew what it was doing and was on her cheek.

"She's wrong. There's no one better than you." He let his thumb trace along her cheek for a moment and went to take his hand from her cheek, but she held it here a moment longer, her eyes closing, her brows furrowed with the same ache he felt.

"I don't think I'm shit Phil. I know I'm not." She opened her eyes and looked into his, "I just meant that you can do better than second place." She let her hand drop, but Phil's stayed on her cheek.

"I can." He agreed, "I can already name a dozen girls and women I could be first place with." His hand traced down her cheek, his thumb brushing along the corner of her lips, and then his touch as gone. "But that doesn't compare." He shook his head slowly, "Nothing compares to you." He thought of the first time he had had a twang of emotion for her; when she had sung that Sinead O'Connor song. He shoved his hand back in his pocket. "We should leave the toilet at different times, so there's no fuel for the rumour fire."

"I really don't give a fuck Phil." Rae said. "I'm never gonna do anything with you that I'm not willing to tell Finn, and he'll believe me when I tell him nothing happened. The rest of them can believe whatever they want." She shrugged and he moved out of her way so she could open the door.

The corridor was deserted and Rae turned to Phil.

"I'm heading to the library." She told him.

"Guess I better head to class." He sighed, "Want me to walk you there?"

"No, I don't need protecting from them." Rae shook her head, "And you're late enough as it is. So go on, piss off!" She told him. He gave her a smile and headed off to class.

Phil walked slowly to class and by random coincidence saw Finn in his physics class. There was a substitute in and Finn was clearly not paying attention to him. He preferred Ms Verna; she knew her stuff, this guy was a hack, Finn was much smarter than him when it came to physics, and he knew it.

By chance Finn looked up as Phil was walking past and their eyes met. Phil stopped and motioned for Finn to come out. Finn grabbed his bag and declared he was feeling unwell. The substitute didn't know what to say and Finn just kept walking without looking back.

"What's up?" Finn asked as he got out of the classroom and they headed off towards the lunch table, Phil subconsciously deciding he wasn't up for sitting through advanced maths just yet.

"They spat on her Finn." Phil said.

"Oh fuck." Finn shook his head in dismay, his heart hurting for Rae, his anger burning in the pit of his stomach.

"Hey Phil did you fuck-" Rick stopped short when he saw that it was Finn with Phil, "Never mind." He said and turned away, the toilet pass that Mr Roach always passed out in his hand. Phil sighed and turned back to Finn. "They spat on her." Phil repeated. "You're gonna need to do something."

"Aye I do." Finn agreed, "And I will figure something out, don't worry."

"I think you're right about us being mates being a good strategy." Phil added.

"I know it is." Finn shrugged. "So how was it seeing her?"

"Well I nearly made out with her in the disabled toilet… so you know… it was simultaneously excruciating and wonderful." Finn took a moment with that information and nodded slowly. It would take some getting used to, but he preferred the honesty. He wanted Rae to tell him if she needed to make out with Phil, but he was beginning to understand that this might not happen. But she had resisted so far. Finn looked over at Phil, his eyes were downcast, and he fidgeted with his watch as he almost slumped over the table, his whole being looking utterly dejected. Phil looked over at Finn to see him looking at him thoughtful.

"Nothing happened." Phil said, "I mean I stroked her face. Which I shouldn't have." He shook his head, "I never would have dreamed of doing that a month ago. It's so wrong that she's said no to me and I still feel like I can do that." He stared at his hands, "I don't know what's wrong with me. But I don't like that I-"

"It's cos she feels for you, even though it's a no. She gave you a soft no, not a hard no." Finn answered, "Don't beat yourself up. If she were to give you a hard no, or tell you to never touch her again, or to never talk to her again, we all know you'd respect it."

"I should respect the soft no." Phil answered, "What the fuck it a soft no anyway? It's still just a fucking no."

"What did she do when you touched her face?" Finn asked and Phil hesitated.

"She held my hand there for a moment." His voice was soft, edged with pain and longing.

"There's your soft no." Finn said, "It's a no that wishes it were a yes." He sighed, "But you're right, it's still a no. So you need to treat it as a hard no. You'll need to take your cues from her though. It's not up to me what your relationship with her settles into."

"You ever worry about the kind of man you're becoming?" Phil's voice had a deep uncertainty in it that Finn had never heard from him before.

"Constantly." Finn confided. They sat in silence for a moment thinking about that. They watched a bunch of lads crossing the grass up ahead, it was quite obvious they were talking about Phil and Finn, speculating about the conversation they were having. Finn sucked his teeth moodily, watching the first years gossip about him and Phil, but not able to hear what they were saying. He didn't care for himself; he worried about Rae.

"Would it be easier for you and Rae if I left?" Phil asked, his eyes on the lads.

"Well it's not for me or for you to speak for Rae." Finn answered instantly. He was struck by how natural it was for him to say this now, to think it. He liked that. He liked that he was loving her like she was free. It suited his soul better, it felt like he was being true to himself like this, and it kept them both happier.

"Yeah." Phil was agreeing, "I know…"

"You'd have to ask her… but let's be real Phil, we both know it wouldn't be easier for her." Phil took in Finn's face as he continued to watch the lads, "would it be easier for me?" Finn mulled it over, "It's be worse for me. Cos I hurt when she hurts, and I know that I've helped create this situation."

"Well I'm gonna put most of the blame for this on my shoulders." Phil said, "Although, if you hadn't been such a fucking jealous Neanderthal to begin with…" Finn chuckled, "I mean I still would have loved her, but I would have kept it to myself a lot better and we wouldn't have ended up here. It was never like me to be so obvious about my feelings like I was with Rae… but you sure did push my buttons." They both laughed at their past foolish actions.

"You still thinking of leaving then?" Finn studied Phil's face.

"It still keeps entering my head that it might be easier for me."

"It won't be." Finn answered in an authoritative tone and Phil looked at him, as if could answer all of his questions. "We both know it; we've talked about this." Finn turned to Phil, "I've been where you are; I thought I'd never get to be with the woman I love again. And I ran. Cos it hurt so fucking much." Finn held Phil's gaze, "It didn't stop. That pain you're feeling, it won't stop just cos you can't see her. You know that. And you know that if anything it'll just get worse." Phil nodded his head sadly, "it didn't stop when I were in Leeds. It didn't stop when I was fucking me new girlfriend. It won't stop Phil. You and me… we was built for loving her."

"So what am I if I can't…?" Phil stopped the words, stopped the thought and looked away.

"You are a good man Phillip. And you will always be a good man. Being with, or not being with Rae, does not define you." Finn said firmly.

"God I wish I could hate you." Phil said with a joking tone and they shared a smile. "But I can't. Cos I know you're right for her and I know you make her happy… so…" He shook his head and looked away, "Rae might not define me… but she affects me… alters me… moves me." He looked back at Finn, "And I'm not with her, so I have no way to express all of that."

"Pour it into your art, I s'pose." Finn answered."

"That's what I intend to do." Phil answered with a small grin. "It'd be so much easier if I could hate you." Phil sighed.

"Yeah I know." Finn agreed, "I hated Liam so much. I could see he were wrong for her. But I had to sit back and watch him drag her down. Had to watch her do things that were so out o' character for her. Got to wondering if I'd ever known her at all. But I know now she were hurting and that were her way of dealing with it."

"See, she's not hurting this time." Phil was glad she wasn't hurting now like she had been with Liam; like she had been when she'd said no to Finn.

"No she is." Finn corrected him gravely, "It gives her a lot o' pain to know she hurt you."

"But she's not hurting over the choice she made." Phil replied.

"Phil… she is." Finn answered, "She's not hurting over saying yes to me. She revels in that." Finn said with a grin that quickly turned serious, "But she's hurting over saying no to you." Phil sucked his bottom lip for a moment.

"Yeah, I guess I knew that." He furrowed his brows, "I don't like the thought of her in pain like this." He shook his head sadly.

"You know, she doesn't change for you like she did with Liam." Finn said with a nod, "So I couldn't o' hated you if you'd ended up with her… cos like I said, you're a good match for her too. The way you love her and care for her… She deserves it. She deserves all the love in the world." Finn gave a slight grin because he knew that Rae was beginning to understand that she deserved it, "So it sucks for you mate, but let me reiterate; I'm glad you're around." He took out a cigarette, "So I guess that's my full answer about whether it'd be easier if you left." Phil nodded and they both looked out across the grass silently.

"I've been asked a lot if I fucked her." Phil mused out loud.

"You'll get asked a lot more." Finn answered, "It's not bothering you?"

"Nah, I don't give a fuck." He shrugged, "I used to care about my reputation. But I just don't anymore." He pulled a disinterested face, "besides, I don't mind if everyone thinks I slept with Rae." He grinned and Finn rolled his eyes at Phil.

"Alright fucker." Finn laughed. "We should head in to performing arts soon." Phil grinned and found he was really looking forward to seeing Elsa and the rest of the drama gang. He'd missed that class most of all.

_'Thunderstruck' by AC/DC_

The four of them walked down the corridor.

"So everyone remembers the plan?" Chloe asked and they all nodded. "Right… well thanks for doing this." She split off from them to go to the nurses' station. Rae, Finn and Rhys continued on to Liam's room.

Chloe had decided that Liam needed to go outside. He needed to feel the wind on his skin, he needed some sun. He needed a damn cigarette. But the hospital was reluctant to agree to her request; Liam was seen as very fragile and 'at risk' they told her. So Chloe decided to take things into her own hands. She took a deep breath before turning the corner, her best teary face on.

"I can't breathe!" She cried, looking up at the ceiling, straight into the lights, which always made her eyes water, and also showed off the dark bruises around her throat. Rhys, Finn and Rae slipped past the nurses' station and continued on to Liam's room. Rae had been furious when she had seen them this morning; her list of awful things she wanted to inflict upon Ian had grown substantially and she had hugged Chloe desperately afraid for her safety. She had been so glad to hear that Chloe was living at Rhys's house now. Chloe had taken Monday off school. Tuesday had been a bad day at school, but she had gotten through it with Rae and Izzy's help. And now they were here to take Liam outside for an hour. The nurse rushed to her and offered her help.

In Liam's room, Rhys walked in first; he was interference, if they came across any staff, his job was to divert them away from Rae and Finn, who were to get Liam in his wheelchair and get him outside. Rae was also to play secondary diversion if it was required.

Liam was in a contemplative mood. Which was better than the more depressed moods he'd had lately. But he really needed someone like Rae to come so he could bounce conversation off her. He missed having Rae around a lot. Those had been the best few months of his life. He watched the tv, his mood dropping when he thought about Rae with that Finn guy and realised that he'd missed out on her because he'd been such a turd to her. He looked up at Rhys as he came in.

"You got the wrong room, mate." He said and continued to bite the cuticle around his finger, looking back at his tv without another thought. Rae and Finn walked in when they heard that there was no nurse in the room. "What the fuck are you doing here?" He saw Finn first and then Rae, his face lighting up, happy to see her. "Hey girl!" He looked back at Rhys and Finn, "What's cracking?"

"Get in your wheelchair." Rae said firmly and Liam stared at her for a moment. "We've got no time to explain, Chloe sent us to come and get you." Rae pulled his blankets off and motioned for him to get a move on.

"Steady on!" Liam answered, "What if I'd had nothing on Rae?" Liam looked at the pulled back blankets.

"Well I've seen your dick before, and they've both got dicks, so I'm sure we'd all cope." She answered with a face that indicated she was not to be messed with, "Get in your wheelchair."

"Did you forget about me shitty walking?" He snapped, and Rhys came over to him.

"I'll help." Liam looked like he was about to argue but he looked at Rae's determined face and knew there was no point. Besides he was insanely curious to see what they were up to, and it was so nice to have something to break up the monotony of the day. Rhys, who was more than capable of lifting Liam's full weight, easily helped Liam into his wheelchair and Finn pushed it towards the door, Rhys leading the way and Rae bringing up the rear.

They went back past the nurses' station, Chloe was still crying, and she had managed to get the nurse to face away from them, so thy easily slid past. Rhys turned the corner and saw a nurse up ahead. He motioned for them to slow down and approached her with a warm smile. They peeked around the corner to watch for when it was all clear.

"Hi, I'm so lost, I'm here to visit my sister…" The nurse looked at him, and like most people who came under that gaze, she was mesmerised by the smile, his warmth, and the slight undertone of fear at the sheer size of him, the tattoos. She wracked her brain and then remembered that there was a black woman in maternity.

'You're a new uncle!" She declared and Rhys's smile went even wider, his eyes twinkling.

"I'm so happy the baby is born!" He said happily, "Is it healthy?"

"Oh yes, a beautiful baby girl!" She said, "Good genes obviously run in the family." She gave him a sly smile and then had to stop herself from biting her bottom lip.

"I'm sure you'd know something about that." Rhys answered, his eyes never leaving her face. She bit her bottom lip and leaned forward slightly.

"My name's Renee." She said in a flirtatious tone.

"I'm Rhys." He returned the flirt, both Rae and Finn's jaws dropping; they'd never really seen Rhys flirt.

"Damn, that guy's got moves." Liam said, "And he's not even making a move!"

"Perhaps I should take you up to maternity?" She asked, her eyes sliding down Rhys's incredible body.

"I'd like that." He replied, his eyes staying on her face, his tone like golden syrup.

"I'd fuck that guy and I'm not even gay." Liam shook his head.

"Are you thinking of having your own, now that you're sister's done it?" She tried to be conversational and Rhys smiled and lowered his eyes for the first time, as if slightly sad.

"Unfortunately I'm not really in a position to think of starting a family just yet." He put his hands in his pockets and then looked up at Renee, "I've got no one that wants to start a family with me right now." He gave a half smile and looked off as if he felt foolish for saying that he shrugged slightly.

"I'm sure you'll find someone." Renee put her hand on his arm and Rhys let his eyes linger where her hand touched him, before letting them slowly slide up her arm to her face.

"Do you really think so Renee?" He asked, a heat in his words that made Rae's body respond, even though she was metres away from him. She cleared her throat awkwardly and shuffled her feet. Finn watched Rhys, transfixed and amazed by this side of him. And Finn had a feeling that this wasn't even Rhys in seduction mode; this was just Rhys saying what the nurse wanted to hear, relying on the nurse's own preconceived notions to carry the entire thing. Rhys just added a little heat to make the nurse lose herself a little. She wrapped her arm through his and smiled reassuringly.

"I know it." She told him, "Maternity's this way." She led him away and Finn set off down the corridor towards the exit.

"Making a jailbreak are we?" Liam asked, a lot more keen on this idea now.

"Shut up and pretend to be asleep." Rae told him. Liam let his head drop forward onto his chest, as if sleeping. Rae kept a look out for any nurses that could stop them and insist that Liam go back to his room. In her head she had decided that she would enact an anxiety attack if she needed to run interference.

But happily, they managed to get Liam outside, Finn angrily pushing the wheelchair across the grass to the allocated meeting place. Eli was waiting there; a picnic set up already. She jumped up the minute she saw him and ran over to the wheelchair to give him a hug.

"Eli!" Liam hugged her back fiercely.

"Come on you two!" Finn said grumpily; getting a wheelchair across this lush grass was not fun. Eli demurely stepped back and motioned for Finn to continue and after a few minutes of grunting and swearing, in which Liam happily didn't help one bit, Finn got Liam to the picnic blanket.

"I'm not really lined up straight." Liam complained.

"I don't give a fuck!" Finn answered grumpily.

"Finn." Rae gave him a stern look and Finn rolled his eyes but plonked down onto the blanket like he had agreed to do, and took out his cigarettes. Eli grinned and opened up the picnic basket, revealing a packet of Liam's favourite cigarettes.

"Oh thank fucking Christ!" Liam whispered as Eli took out a cigarette and handed it to him, Finn giving him his lighter. Liam lit up the cigarette and looked around at the grass, the trees, the singing birds. Eli's smile broadened; yes this had been a good idea. They watched as Liam's eyes closed when the wind ruffled his hair. He took a deep breath, trying to get his emotions under control.

Only moments passed and Chloe was jogging across the grass to them.

"We did it!" She said happily to Eli who hugged her gratefully. She turned to Liam to see his eyes, the cigarette firmly clenched between his lips. "You right big boy?" Chloe asked him with a grin.

"No one's ever done something like this for me." He answered and she sat down in his lap and gave him a hug. He then noticed her bruises and she had to explain to him, in very vague terms what had happened. She was still sitting in his lap, now explaining what had happened with the nurse, when Rhys came strolling across the grass. He gave Chloe three slips of paper and sat on the blanket next to Finn, his long legs bent so he could lean his arms on his knees. Chloe looked down at the slips of paper.

"Phone numbers?" She gave him an impressed look.

"I'm a charming man." He replied with a sly grin.

"I know." She laughed, "You gonna call any of them?" He shook his head. "I'm alright with it you know." She told him, and he believed her.

"They're all looking for more than I'm willing to give them." He replied honestly, "I won't fuck around at the expense of people who are looking for love or commitment that I am not willing to give them." His eyes rested on Chloe, still sitting in Liam's lap and Liam looked Chloe and then Rhys.

"Alright." Liam said, "I'm gonna need filling in!" He commanded with a cheeky grin.

"First thing's first." Eli said, "I made a picnic with all your favourite foods that they won't let you have." She opened the basket and started to get food out.

"Well you fuckers have definitely put some effort into this!" He laughed, "I can't believe you guys would do this for me."

"Of course we would." Chloe told him, "That's what friends do." Chloe got off Liam's lap and sat down between Rhys's thighs, leaning back on his chest. Liam looked around at them all. "And we're your friends."

"I'm not." Finn said with a shrug. Rhys turned his eyes to Finn and Rae tutted.

"I'm alright with that." Liam answered. "Don't worry about him Earl. I got you, and Chlo, and Eli, and that's what fucking matters." He said happily, tears in his eyes, "Thank you for this!" Finn's tongue went to his back teeth but he didn't say anything. Rae sat next to Finn and held his hand.

"Our pleasure." Chloe grinned at Rae, then Liam, then Eli. He closed his eyes again when the wind ruffled his hair, the sun on his face, the smell of grass and cigarettes and delicious food.

"I gotta get out of that fucking hospital." He suddenly realised, "That place is killing me."

_'Hit' by The Sugarcubes_

Macca looked across the table at Bethany as Woody looked through her art book. She was shaking her head at him.

"Oi, don't look at that page!" She told him and flicked past a few pages before giving a sneaky look to Rae. Rae didn't even feel blush on her cheeks; she just ate the sandwich she had and shrugged when Finn turned his eyes to her

"What's on those pages?" He asked with a curious grin.

"Just some studies based on a live model I got to draw last year." Bethany answered.

"Was it a nude?" Woody asked trying to flick the pages down but Bethany slammed her hand down on the page.

"For someone who claims to not be a virgin, you sure do get excited by the idea of a drawing of a naked body!" She snapped.

"Nudity always excites me." He grinned. He looked down at her abstract work. "What's this?"

"A fruit bowl." Macca answered, his angle was hard, but he could see the work.

"Oh I see it!" Woody laughed, turning his head to the side, "And this?"

"A cubist drawing of my dog."

"I love dogs." Macca said, his eyes meeting with Bethany's across the table, "What kind of dog is it?"

"He's a mutt we rescued from the pound." She grinned.

"Sounds perfect."

"He's real cheeky." Bethany chuckled.

"I bet he is." Macca answered, "Prob'ly learned it from you."

"Probably." She grinned.

"What's this?" Woody was still happily looking at her artwork.

"That's a sunflower dope." Macca answered.

"I'm not a dope!" Woody shook his head, "I'm just crap at art."

"Those things you care outta wood are right artistic." Izzy countered and he shrugged.

"That's all just woodwork stuff. I'm good at that. It's quite literal and physical. This is real art. I like it, but I'm crap at it."

"What you do is definitely art Woody." Bethany told him, "Your stuff has form and function. Mine's all form!"

"Which means it's all beauty." Macca said and then froze, "Is that right?" He asked as if he didn't understand what form and function were in an artistic sense.

"Not all art is beautiful." Bethany shrugged, I mean sure my sunflower is." She grinned, "But I've got some stuff in some of my other art books that are really horrible."

It was a typical lunch, the conversation was easy and flowing, Rae sat in between Finn and Phil, as usual; it was real nice having Phil back for lunch times. And James sat next to Finn, they were chatting about American music. Macca sat next to James, across from Bethany, as always. Woody always sat next to Bethany, Chloe next to him with Izzy and Bryn on the end. This was the way lunch always went down and when one of them missing, everything felt off-kilter. Rae looked over at Bryn and Izzy laughing together, Bryn in full on impress Izzy mode. But after a few days of awkwardness, Izzy had decided that Sam had been wrong about Bryn, and when she had questioned Rae again about her opinion on the matter, Rae had told Izzy to not worry if he liked her; she enjoyed his friendship, whether he liked her or not was his problem, not hers. Izzy had been living by those words, and their friendship had continued unabated; Izzy ignoring any signs that he liked her and only ever taking in terms of friendship with him.

"Alright, not all art is beautiful!" Woody agreed with Bethany, "But we can all agree that we are a beautiful bunch of friends right?" He asked loudly, getting everyone's attention.

"Agreed!" Bryn said loudly, his eyes slyly resting on Izzy as she looked down the table at Woody, grinning.

"Here, here!" Bethany laughed loudly.

"Oh we're not all good looking!" Finn looked over at Phil meaningfully. Phil shook his head laughing.

"Oi watchtower and if; don't go bringing down the love buzz you two!" Woody called to them, using the Hendrix inspired nicknames he'd given them. Finn was 'all along the watchtower' and Phil was 'if 6 was 9.'

"Well Gwyn," Phil ignored Woody, "Everyone has the right to be ugly." He said earnestly, "But I can honestly say, that you are 100% abusing the fuck outta that right." Everyone laughed; Finn the loudest because he was so rarely called ugly, he appreciated someone trying to go down that path, "Oh who am I kidding?" Phil said, remembering that not only where he and Finn mates, but they had to have the appearance of being mates, "You're magnificent." He looked at Finn, he really was a good looking lad. Phillip had been jealous of that since the first day they'd met. "Quinn, you're a beautiful man." Phil said in a completely serious voice that made everyone laugh even louder.

"Aw thanks Jill!" Finn answered sincerely, "You're quite stunning yourself, your six-pack is literally majestic."

"Majestic!" James laughed.

"You ever get the feeling Rae," Chloe asked, "that your boyfriend and rumoured lover are a little too into each other?" She laughed.

"I've known for a while that they love each other more than they love me." Rae returned with a conversational tone.

"Yeah, why don't you guys just get gay already?" James teased.

"No – they'd be bisexual, cos you can never discount the fabulous Rae." Woody countered.

"Either way, you two should consider it!" James looked from Phil to Finn and then to Rae, his eyes moving slowly between all three. Phil and Finn shared a glance, both of them shrugging at almost the exact same moment.

"Maybe." Phil said.

"Right circumstances." Finn added.

"It'd totally be hate fucking though." Phil declared and Finn nodded his head.

"Yeah and it'd really hot." Finn said, "I mean look at us!"

"Oh yeah!" Phil agreed, "Scorch the fucking sheets."

"We'd let you watch Rae, what d'you think?" Finn turned his eyes to her and she looked from Finn and then to Phil.

"Well if you really need to do it, I have no objection to watching!" She joked.

"Oh right, and can either of you fine looking lads give good head?" Chloe ask, "Deep throat? Do you guys spit or swallow?" She looked at one, then the other, "And how's anal sex for you?" Finn and Phil shared a look again, silently determining how far they were going to take this.

"Well Jill here does violin." Finn said, "That gives you strong fingers right." Rae looked down at her sandwich, knowing the answer that question. So she didn't see Chloe's eyes twinkling with the same knowledge Rae had; when it came to fingering, Phillip Seymour was quite talented.

"Exceptionally strong, I also play the double bass, classical guitar and piano." He held up his hand and moved his fingers, "strong, dexterous, flexible… stamina." He grinned.

"Reckon you could stimulate the prostate with those!" Finn said and Phil nodded.

"Oh easy!" He agreed. "Football, your skills are incredible, particularly good at heading the ball."

"Good strong neck movement." Finn grinned, "I reckon that'd translate to great head." Rae shared a look with Chloe; they both grinned, far too amused by this conversation. They turned their eyes to Izzy who was grinning in the same way. The three girls had commented on how hot the idea off Finn and Phil together was at the AFL match, and now this. Everyone else was laughing; the rumours about Rae, Finn and Phil had been coming thick and fast, so seeing them unaffected by everything was great.

"And how's your gag reflex?" Chloe asked them.

"We can learn." Phil looked at Finn, "Practice makes perfect, right?"

"And you know the practice in this case would be quite fun." Finn grinned cheekily and subtly motioned for Phil to look at Rae, she was smiling, chuckling; happy. She was happy. It was the first time since Phil had been back that the tension between the three of them had ebbed at all. Phil nodded almost imperceptibly to Finn. He understood the message loud and clear; the more Finn and Phil got on, the happier Rae was.

"Alright for anyone that doesn't want the imagery in their head." Chloe rummaged in her bag, "Which is not me. I'll be having private lady moments about that!" She laughed and the other girls joined in nodding. "I have a postcard from Archie!" She grinned.

"I got one too!" Rae said and rummaged through her bag. "Dear Rae, and everyone else. We're having an awesome time in Egypt. The Coptic Christians in Cairo let us have a look at a lovely church with amazing detailed paintings and coffins. You can't believe how beautiful it was, unfortunately we couldn't take photos. I asked Tom a very important question inside the great pyramid of Giza." Rae paused and grinned.

"Oh my god!" Chloe said happily.

"I'm so excited for them!" Izzy grinned. Finn had read the postcard last night when they'd seen it and sat on Rae's bed all grins. He was so happy for his best friend. Couldn't wait to do all the things; see the ring, organise a buck's night… Go to as many rallies as required to bring about marriage equality. He and Archie had talked about it; they had decided to have a ceremony for their friends and family, and get it legally done when the law changed. They'd both agreed when they were 12 that they would be each other's best men if they ever got married, so even though Archie hadn't formally asked, Finn knew he'd get that honour and all the duties that went with it.

"And Tom rode a camel at the pyramids! It was amazing to behold! I have photos… you will laugh." Rae giggled, Chloe and Izzy joining in, the others not really sure what was so funny. Phil was trying not to watch Finn's arm; it had snuck around Rae's waist, his fingers were gently stroking her side. These were the moments that were hardest for Phil. "I can't fit everything on one postcard, so everyone in the gang will get one! I miss you guys, and wish you were all here with us; Rae you would love it here! I love you girl, and I love the whole gang and Tom says he loves you guys too. Love Tom and Archie." Rae held up another postcard, "Dear Finn, fuck I miss you! I miss the whole gang, but I could have used your calming influence when I asked Tom; he loved the ring." Finn grinned; Archie had shown him the ring. "The Citadel in Cairo is truly astounding; you'd have loved the Grand Mosque; the sense of peace and quiet would have appealed to you. And it was truly beautiful and spiritual; and everyone was so welcoming and open to us having a look around. Amazing. Everything in Cairo is a mix of the new and the old, I think it would appeal to you; you'll have to bring Rae. Love you mate! See you in December." Rae looked at Izzy.

"Haven't got mine yet." She shrugged, they all knew it'd get to her eventually. They all looked to Chloe.

"Dear Rhys," She looked at Izzy, "Mine hasn't come yet either, and Tom's writing is tiny, so bear with me." She grinned and looked back at the postcard, "I've stolen this one from Archie to send a quick hello. Hope the business is going well. It's fucking hot here. Archie is like a kid in a candy store, and I'm actually having a blast even though I actually look like I've spent my entire life inside a volcanic ash cloud. Got a very nice fancy new addition to my left hand, and a fabulous gay song in my heart. Couldn't be happier. Cairo is incredible, the shopping in the grand bazaar is the stuff life is made of, and the people are unbelievable! The pyramids are more magnificent that you could ever imagine and mummies more gruesome. Say hi to everyone; love you all far too much for words. Tom and Archie." Chloe looked up at them, "Ps, Tom looks great when he's dirty and sweaty, don't listen to him, Arch."

"It's not enough that the bastards have gone, but they've gotta torture us with descriptions of what an amazing time they're having." Rae laughed. "Oh I'm so jealous. I wish I were there." Everyone agreed that they'd rather be there too.

They headed to drama laughing.

"I just gotta go past my locker." Phil said.

"We'll wait." Finn answered and then grinned at Phil's look of surprise. Bryn jogged after Phil, needing to go to his locker too.

"We'll have to invite some of these people to our get togethers." Chloe noted as they all watched Phil opening his locker halfway down the corridor they were stopped in front of. Bryn had run to nearly the end of the corridor and was just now opening his locker.

"Oi Seymour!" Phil turned and saw a group of second year lads approaching, "What's it like having Nelson's sloppy seconds."

"First of all girls don't work that way, I encourage you to try opening an anatomy book, or a biology book. Secondly, didn't you date Stacey Stringfellow after he dumped her?" Phil shot back with a sneer before turning back to his locker, disinterested in their responses. Rae furrowed her brows and looked away; the group of lads hadn't seen Finn and Rae standing at the end of the corridor. Finn's eyes narrowed as he watched. The lads laughed, enjoying Phil's comeback.

"But is it like fucking a waterbed?" He shot back, "All that fat moving about while you try to get it in…"

"Well maybe your cock's so little that you struggle to get it in, but it's not a problem I've ever had." Phil closed his locker and walked away. He hated pissing contests like that; comparing dick size, but really he was going to run out of retorts if he didn't sink to that level occasionally. He had dearly wanted to say something about the fat comments, but he knew it'd open up the speculation about whether he'd fucked Rae too much, so he'd made himself bite his tongue. Bryn started to hurry back from his locker while the lads were laughing, the guy who had done the asking acknowledging the comeback in decent humour.

"Why does everyone want that fat cunt? I mean why would you even wanna touch a fat pig like that? Imagine it naked." Rae's face grew cold like stone, "She got a great personality Bryn?" He said to Bryn who looked horrified by what he had said.

And Finn was gone from her side before Rae had chance to register it. He slammed the guy into the lockers violently. Phil came up beside Finn and looked back at the other lads in the group, they were unsure how to respond. Phil cocked a thumb lazily to Finn.

"He's my boxing trainer." Phil said, ignoring the fact that this morning had only been his second lesson, "Try me." They backed off, leaving Finn to have a chat with the guy who had insulted Rae. Finn pushed him harder into the lockers, his forearm across the guy's throat, the guy struggling ineffectively. Phil leaned on the lockers beside him, keeping an eye out for teachers.

"Finn!" Rae called after him. Chloe and Izzy both looked down the corridors for teachers while Bryn walked up to where Finn and Phil were.

"That's not a very nice thing you said about Rae." Phil said, looking at the guy as he tried to push against Finn's arm. "I think that's why Finn here is so pissed off." He nodded as if he'd been very helpful in his analysis. "I'm pretty pissed off too. But out of the two of us, he's the one better at kicking arse… and we play to our strengths, you know?" Phil grinned almost pleasantly.

"Why would you say something like that about Rae?" Bryn asked, "You basically said that you think she's nothing cos she's not skinny." Bryn said shaking he's head. "That's some fucked up shit."

"That says a lot more about you than it does about her." Phil added. Bryn and Phil looked at Finn. Phil had spoken to give Finn time to calm down a little.

"Say it again." Finn's voice held so much menace that Bryn took a step back. But Phil just scratched his chin and watched the action, totally un-affected by the violence of it; his entire demeanour so blasé, you'd think he experienced scenes ten times more violent than this on a daily basis. The guy shook his head. "Say it!" Finn insisted.

"No!" The guy was terrified.

"Good." Finn said, "Never say shit like that again. To anyone. Understand?" People were milling past looking surprised and worried. Bryn told them not to worry as they stared and wondered if they should tell a teacher.

"Alright!" The guy almost yelped as Finn let him go and then slammed his back into the lockers. Finn backed up and let the guy slip past him and leave in a hurry, his hand up to his throat.

"Nice." Phil noted, "You're such a fucking Neanderthal."

"You don't complain about it when I'm teaching you boxing." Finn retorted snarkily.

"I'm not really complaining about it now. Except you weren't quite caveman enough. Surely you could have hit him." Phil grinned at the look Finn gave him.

Rae put her hands on his face as soon as he got back to her.

"Don't do stuff like that." She said tensely. "I don't care what they think." Finn accepted her words silently and gave a thank you wink to Phil; his help had been invaluable. When Rae saw the wink she turned on Phil. "And you!" She said with a surprised expression, "I never thought I'd see the day when you'd encourage him!" Like Finn, Phil accepted her words silently; she was right of course, but he had so enjoyed seeing that guy be terrified for a moment. Hopefully he would stop bullying people, like Finn had told him too.

"We've got two things happening today." Elsa stood before them with a handful of handouts, "Firstly the dates for the one hour play competition have been announced. We'll be doing Rae and Phil's adaptation of Macbeth that you're all familiar with. Today we'll be doing a full run through." Elsa sought Rae out in the audience, "You still wanna be director?" She asked and Rae nodded her head, excited to be the solo director of a play. "The second bit of business today is Principal Dixon would like all second year students to start mentoring first year students. I convinced her to let us performing arts people all stick together, so we'll be organising that today too." Elsa started handing out the information packs for the one hour play and new mentoring program. "So first years, go up to a second year that you think might not totally suck to be mentored by, otherwise I'll allocate pairings." The first thing Rae noticed was Bryn turning to Izzy and Izzy nodding. Rae looked away and looked over to Kurt and Kristi laughing with Phil and Finn; reliving the competition in Lincoln.

"So you two…" Kurt suddenly said, "You're more friendly than you used to be." Kristi narrowed her eyes at her brother.

"We realised we got more in common than we don't." Finn answered vaguely.

"A lot more…" Kurt said slightly suggestive. "like sport or something?" He asked innocently and Kristi pursed her lips, just about ready to belt her twin. Kurt always talked about getting girls as if it were a sport, so Kristi, who had unfortunately heard way too much of his talk, knew exactly where he was going with this conversation.

"Yeah, we're both quite athletic." Phil answered non-committal, also fully aware of where Kurt was going with his questions.

"And does Rae enjoy that you're both… quite-"

"You mind your own damn business!" Kristi slapped his arm and Rae chuckled.

'Oi, it were harmless!" Kurt replied, "I'm just curious as to what the arrangement here is…" Rae noticed that more than one set of eyes were pretending to not watch what was going on.

"Whatever the arrangement is, I can guarantee you, it's not your fucking business." Kristi asserted and Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Oh no it's fine Kristi." Finn said with a sly grin that Phil picked up on. Rae hardly noticed a first year girl approaching her because she was watching as intently as half the class was. "I think Rae very much enjoys our athleticism, wouldn't say Phil?" Finn asked him with an innocent grin.

"Yeah she comes and watched our PE classes all the time." Phil had caught the look on Finn's face and played along.

"So I guess you know the arrangement now." Finn shrugged.

"Rae likes to watch us play." Phil clarified in case he hadn't gotten it. Rae shook her head; the gay rumours would be flying around the school tomorrow. She understood they were doing it to take the focus off her, to try and stop the endless barrage of 'slut' calls that had been following her around the corridors. And as soon as that rumour took hold, Finn would do something to put that rumour on its head too, and Phil would no doubt help. She took a moment to appreciate them both, before realising that there was a dark haired girl looking at her silently. As soon as Rae saw her she smiled with as much welcoming energy as she could muster.

"Hi." Rae said and she saw the girl's blue eyes simply stare at her face, as if she couldn't talk. Chloe looked over and furrowed her brows; that was the girl she'd seen staring at Rae and told to stop a few weeks back. It was strange seeing her so close to Rae, since she usually tried to stay on the complete opposite side of the room to her. Chloe readied herself to come to her friend's defence if needed.

"I'm Bree." The girl said softly and held out a hand. Rae took it and the girl looked positively terrified.

"I'm Rae." She shook the girl's hand, "Want me to be your mentor?" Bree nodded her head. Phil, Finn and the twins moved back closer to Rae as the first years started to approach, almost as if they didn't want to end up with a person to mentor. And as they came closer Phil froze, his forehead scrunched up and he looked around, suddenly sniffing the air.

"What's up your arse?" Finn asked him.

"Can you smell that?" Phil looked around and shook his head, "I'm probably imagining it." He shrugged.

"What?"

"You still got that letter Rae got?"

"The anonymous love letter?" Finn asked and Phil nodded, "I think I shoved it in me locker." Finn answered.

"Go get it." Phil sniffed the air subtly again, "I think I'm smelling that perfume somewhere."

"Gotta take a leak Elsa?" Finn called out to Elsa, who was organising mentor partners.

"Five minutes Finn." She answered without looking away from the people she was talking too. Finn jogged from the room and ran to his locker on the other side of the school. He opened it up and looked through the utter mess inside, pulling books and bits of paper, a mouldy orange, spare PE clothes, pens…

"Here it is." He smelled the letter; the perfume smell was faint but still there. He sprinted back and slowed to a jog as he got to the door, sauntering in as if he'd only walked the 4 doors to the toilet instead of been across the whole school. He covertly handed the letter to Phil, who calmly folded it into the palm of his hand. He put his hand to his nose, the letter folded in it, and took a deep breath and nodded.

"Someone who uses the same perfume is nearby." Phil handed the letter back to Finn.

"You're not even human are you?" Finn stared at him.

"Can you not smell it?"

"I can smell all sorts of things."

"It's all about focus Finn. Smell the letter, then smell the air again. And focus." Phil told him firmly. Finn, feeling slightly foolish smelled the letter in his palm like Phil had and realised that the reason Phil had done it was that was to help concentrate the smell in his palm. Finn then smelled the air slowly, his eyes closed.

"She's here." Finn answered suddenly able to smell the perfume in the air.

"Might not be the same girl." Phil cautioned but Finn walked closer to Rae, an urge in him to protect her, Phil trailed behind. As soon as they got closer to Rae it became incredibly apparent that the girl she was with was wearing the perfume. They watched Rae chatting to the girl as she stared dreamily at Rae, a slight blush on her cheeks, her head nodding slowly in complete agreement with whatever Rae was saying, but both Finn and Phil suspected that the girl hadn't heard a word Rae had said. Phil and Finn gave each other a look before looking back at Rae and her first year mentoring student.

"Well I think that's probably that mystery solved." Finn said as he watched Bree and Rae. Chloe came up behind them to watch what was going on.

"Probably." Phil agreed.

"What are you two talking about?" Chloe asked and put an arm around both of their shoulders, standing between them, feeling too short to do that kind of thing but doing it anyway.

"We think she might be the one that wrote Rae the anonymous love letter." Finn said nodding towards Bree, and Chloe looked over at her.

"Oh." She thought about the look on the girl's face when she had told her to not stare at Rae. "You got the letter?" She asked Finn and he handed it to her. Chloe opened it up and held it up, as if reading it. Everyone who looked at Chloe would see her reading the letter. She walked the few steps over to Rae and put her arm over Rae's shoulders, declaring loudly that she still couldn't figure out who had written her this little love letter. The result was pretty conclusive. Bree's eyes had widened and then dropped to the floor, her face reddening while she fidgeted with the handouts. But Finn and Phil didn't get to watch the interactions between Rae and Bree any more because two first year girls approached them to be their mentors and then Elsa quietened everyone down so that the rehearsal could begin. Rae went to the desk to sit with Elsa because she got to direct leaving Bree to sit with the first year girls that had tagged on to Finn, Phil and Kurt. Izzy and Bryn sat together, with Chloe sitting next to Izzy, a starry eyed first year boy beside her. Chloe had used makeup to cover the bruises around her neck perfectly, but she was still shaky inside, although waking up next to Rhys this morning had been steadying. She intended to eventually sleep in the spare bed, but she still felt vulnerable, and sleeping in his arms helped her sleep the whole night. And Rhys didn't seem to mind, although she knew neither of them were ready for living together yet. Rhys was very independent, and she did not want to be moving in with him under these circumstances. So eventually she would take up residence in the spare room properly. Just not yet.

Phil listened to the girls chatting as politely as he could manage, but his eyes kept straying to Rae. Finn watched Rae openly, talking sparingly, smiling fondly at Rae as she and Elsa talked about how to stage the play.

"D'you wanna mentor me at my house on Saturday night? My parents won't be there…" Phil's first year student was named Dawn and she was looking Phil up and down. Finn turned and cocked an eyebrow at Phil, a sly grin turning his lips up before he looked away, his eyes going back to Rae. Phil shook his head, unable to stop himself grinning at Finn's look. They both knew Phil wasn't going to be accepting this offer.

"I don't think that's what they mean by mentoring Dawn." Phil said with a half-smile.

"I think we can interpret it any way we want."

"And the way I want to interpret it is entirely platonically." Phil said with a tone of finality. If he was going to be having sex with anyone, it would not be with anyone who was looking to date as well. He was looking for a woman who'd use him for sex; scratch a need and numb him for a while. He wasn't interested in pretending to be loving with someone. His love belonged to Rae. Dawn didn't look particularly discouraged; she'd try again in a few days. Finn looked back over and saw that look on her face. He also saw Sam looking at her with interest and decided to give Phil a break; he'd chat with Dawn later on and gently nudge her towards Sam, who had given up om Izzy for now. He looked at Phil and saw that he was desperately trying not to look at Rae too much. Finn appreciated the attempt.

At the table Elsa told Rae that they had a theatre and a run of dates for the 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead' gender bend play they'd be working on, on and off for the past few months. Rae was excited; all her theatre endeavours where coming together and she got to do her first bit of real directing. She was really beginning to love performing arts. Theatre was incredible fun for her now.

"Well Jill, are you ready for me to kill you?" Finn laughed and Phil chuckled too. Finn was playing Daryl in the play, the equivalent of MacDuff, and Phil had the lead; Macbeth. Rae and Phil had written the parts of MacDuff and Macbeth to have been mates, both of them keen on Lady Macbeth, but MacDuff accepting he had no chance. They were in the drug business, and Macbeth killed people to get to the top, MacDuff refusing to go with him because he was loyal to some of the people Macbeth killed. So the friendship falls apart and MacDuff has to kill a maniacal Macbeth to stop him from destroying the whole business and everyone involved. They ended it with lady Macbeth killing MacDuff and taking over the business; another departure from the original Shakespearean story, but it was too good to not do it.

"You get to stab him, but I get to kiss him." Chloe grinned; she was Lisa, the Lady Macbeth equivalent. "And it's starting to look like you'd prefer to be doing that." Chloe teased and Finn laughed loudly, garnering a glance from Elsa.

_'Gold Dust Woman' By Fleetwood Mac_

"This is not how I wanted to spend me Saturday night afore work." Finn whispered to Rae and she sighed in agreement. But it had always been part of the plan that after dinner at Finn's place, the parents would eventually have dinner together at Rae's place. Aiesha was over at Alice's until a little later on to give everyone chance to talk and be merry for a bit before all the attention inevitably went to her.

Linda and Karim were finishing off the preparation of the food while Finn and Rae waited in the lounge room for Gary and Kenzie.

"Oh fuck." Rae suddenly hissed and Finn raised his eyebrows, questioning what was wrong, "I haven't really explained properly to my mum about your mum. I mean she knows a little bit… but not the whole story." Rae dropped her head onto his shoulder in an expression of how agonising tonight was going to be.

"Oh fuck." Finn agreed with a groan. "Fuck." He took a deep breath when there was a knock on the door. "Well no time to do it now."

"I'm sorry!" Rae bit her bottom lip and shook her head, her brows furrowed dramatically in deep apology.

"It's not really your job to explain about her now is it?" Finn noted and Rae noted the cynicism in his voice, "it's her job to explain herself." Rae bit her bottom lip in concern now; this friction between his mother and him was eating at him.

_There's nothing like your parents to make you feel totally inadequate._

_I wish he could see how proud of him they both are though… even if things are still tense with his mother._

_She is trying; she did get me a pair of Celtic knot work earrings that are quite nice. Although they're something Izzy or Chloe would more wear than me. _

_I don't think I'm girly enough for her…_

_There's nothing like parents in law to make you feel totally inadequate._

Rae watched him go to the door and let his parents in. They greeted each other and Rae got up feeling self-conscious. Her mother and she had gone shopping this morning at Curvy Girl on a Budget and Rae had several new gorgeous, and far more girly than she was used to, items of clothing in her wardrobe. Beautiful items of clothing that she loved… but she still felt like she was under the watchful eye of Kenzie; like she had to prove her worth. And just on principal Rae felt very inclined to never wear a dress in front of Kenzie since Kenzie only ever seemed to wear dresses. And here she was; in a deep blue dress that fell to her knees in a slinky, swishy material. It had a halter neck, and she was feeling no shame at all about her bare back and braless breasts. That was until the moment of actually having to spend dinner with Kenzie was upon her.

Finn had a wonderful habit of staring at her lustfully when she put extra effort into her appearance. He always stared at her lustfully, but it was a different kind of lust when she put a bit of effort into the way she looked. She had been mastering the art of different types of ponytails since Aiesha had been born, and today she had a messy ponytail; she had wanted to emulate Elsa. She had been feeling more confident lately, so she wanted to push that up a little; she wanted to wear bright red lipstick outside and feel fabulous and beautiful. The messy ponytail suited the dress, and the dress was stunning. She knew she looked good in it. But she fretted that Kenzie would think otherwise; maybe even think she looked a little slutty. Linda had hesitated to buy the dress fearing Rae would never wear it, so Rae had taken it as a sign that her mother thought she looked slutty, but she didn't care and had insisted she wanted the dress. And even with her anxiety over Kenzie, she had taken a moment to be proud of her progress as she swished the dress around in the mirror. From not being able to look at herself in the mirror, to having moments when she knew she looked good. She was proud of the work she'd put in, and the results she was having. And sex was much better now that she didn't constantly worry about how her body looked. She just assumed that if Finn had a stiffy he liked what he was seeing and focussed on getting and giving pleasure. It was so nice to not completely hate herself.

But recovery is never a straight line, there's always setbacks and curve balls, and she had moments where it all flooded back in on her, and then there were people, like Kenzie, that made her anxious.

Rae had put on the earrings Kenzie had bought her in an effort to show Kenzie how worthy of her son she was. Rae always felt like Kenzie thought Finn could do better. On the bad days she still had, Rae perfectly understood why Kenzie felt that way; she herself had felt it. It was pretty true. But on her good days, Rae was frustrated that there was something between Kenzie and her that made this awkward, uncomfortable feeling so overwhelming, and she wanted to get to the bottom of it. On the days that were in the middle, most days, she felt anxious about what Kenzie might be thinking, but still knew she was right for Finn. Today was a middle-ground day.

Linda came hurrying in, wiping her hands on a tea towel.

"Gary!' She gave him a peck on the cheek and turned to Kenzie.

"This is my wife Kenzie." Gary introduced them, "This is Rae's mum, Linda." There was a moment of silence while the two women appraised each other. It was a nanosecond, but Rae saw it, even if the two men didn't; the two women didn't know how to take each other.

_Oh fuck._

_This could either go really good, or really bad… I can't see it finding a happy middle ground._

_Oh fuck._

Linda eyed Kenzie curiously as Kenzie looked around the house, clearly anxious. Karim came bustling in with a huge grin.

"Gary my friend!" His grin was genuine and affectionate as he embraced Gary and led him to the kitchen after a quick introduction to Kenzie. He took Gary and Finn off to the kitchen to cook, Kenzie watching them leave.

"That's unconventional." She said with a delighted grin.

"I used to do all the cooking." Linda said softly, "But Karim likes to cook, so I thought I'd let him do it!" She gave a laugh. Rae remembered the moment her mother realised Karim had slowly been taking over the cooking; she'd asked him if he didn't like her cooking and he had said that he loved her cooking… sometimes. Rae had watched her mother's indignant huffing and managed to avoid her attempts to get Rae involved in the debate of who was the better cook, but everyone had to admit Karim was better at cooking. And so he cooked most meals now.

Rae went to get them drinks, giving Finn a pleading look, to which he returned a sympathetic and apologetic look; he clearly had no intention of leaving the dads just yet, so Rae returned with the drinks and a fake smile plastered on her lips.

"So if it's only two bedroom, where does Finn sleep when he stays here?" Rae stopped at the door and wished she could hide her face.

"He does sleep in with Rae… it has been a bone of contention and-"

"Oh." Kenzie said softly.

"Oh?" Rae saw her mother's mouth become a tight line.

"Oh nothing…" Kenzie said and then lowered her eyes, "It's just… since Rae's the girl, and younger…. I thought that maybe you would be stricter on-"

"I take very good care of my daughter, and if I thought for one minute her school work or health was suffering from this I would put a stop to it no matter how much she hated me for it. But as Gary pointed out to me, Rae and Finn have been through a lot together, and he has proven countless times how devoted he is to her. I could not have asked for a better young man to be involved with her." Linda was on a roll, and even as Kenzie attempted to apologise, Linda continued, "And, Gary has also pointed out that my Rae has been an excellent influence on Finn, so I don't think you have anything to worry about from her." Linda didn't seem to be even taking breaths, "Granted, the situation is not ideal, but when in life is any situation ever ideal. And I trust my daughter." Linda said firmly, "And I just can't fathom who you are to question my mothering skills. I have raised Rae by myself since was a tiny girl, and you… you're certainly not mother of the year; where have you been for the past eight years?"

"MUM!" Rae said aghast, Kenzie blinked a few times and looked away, her hands wringing together tightly. Rae recognised the signs of an impending panic attack and rushed over the to the table, putting the drinks down she sat next to Kenzie, but Kenzie shook her head, seeing the worry in Rae's face.

"I'm fine." Rae noticed how short and shallow her breaths were, how rapidly she took those breaths. But Kenzie nodded slowly and turned her eyes to Linda "You're right." Kenzie stuttered slightly and Rae felt an unbelievable wash of sympathy for her. "I've been unwell." She said softly. The angry line of Linda's mouth relaxed slightly as she began to understand.

"I was unwell after my younger girl was born." Linda acknowledged and Kenzie gave a small nod, her breathing still too rapid.

"You have another daughter?"

"Yeah, she's just ten months old." Kenzie broke out into a huge sad smile, her brows furrowing, but her eyes light.

"Can I meet her?" Linda nodded and suddenly called Finn's name out loudly. He came into the room at a hurry, as if he'd been expecting some horrible thing to happen.

"Go get Aiesha from next door, love." She told him and he nodded and hurried out the door after a quick glance at his mother and a lingering look at Rae.

Rae offered them both their drinks and forced herself to un-tense all of her muscles. It took Finn no time at all to walk back in the door with Aiesha, who was loudly chattering in no discernible language. Kenzie gasped and stood up, her eyes locked on Aiesha.

"She's stunning." She whispered.

"Aye, you should see this." Finn said and lowered her to the ground. He bent over her, holding her arms as she started to walk tentatively across the room towards her mother, grinning and looking around. Finn grinned like a proud father.

"Can I hold her?" Kenzie asked and Linda noted the sound of heartache in her voice.

"Course you can." She nodded for Finn to bring her over and Aiesha was whisked up and planted in Kenzie's open arms.

"Walking, so young?" Kenzie said to Aiesha softly, "You're an independent little girl, aren't you?" Aiesha replied by squealing delightedly and starting to chatter again, her hand finding and holding onto Kenzie wavy hair.

"I sometimes think she's so well physically developed because 'physical' by Olivia Newton John was playing when she was conceived." Kenzie chuckled slightly and bounced Aiesha a little.

"You didn't know you was pregnant for like, the first five months!" Rae retorted.

"We played it a lot pet." Linda replied and Rae pulled a disgusted face.

"It's better than some of the rubbish you play when you're up to it and you think we don't about it." Linda told her and Rae looked horrified.

"Mum!" Rae tried not to obviously look at Kenzie, but when she did, Kenzie was so taken with Aiesha that she barely acknowledged their conversation. Rae turned to look at Finn, he was watching on, with a slightly sad expression on his face. But when he saw Rae looking at him he grinned happily and put his arm around her shoulders.

"Dinner!" Karim called from the kitchen. Kenzie looked sadly at Aiesha and went to hand her to Linda

"You can take her, it's alright!" Linda said to Kenzie and Kenzie gave her a truly grateful look.

"Thank you… I'm sorry about-"

"Oh don't worry about it pet." Linda waved her off, "let's eat." Rae tried to not notice how her mother didn't apologise for what she had said and instead put a hand on her mum's elbow, letting Finn go with his mother into the kitchen before them.

"Thanks for supporting me and Finn mum." Rae said with a serious expression, "You put up with a lot from us, and it just means a lot to me that you trust me and… I won't break that trust"

"I know." Linda stroked her face gently. "You've calmed down after that little bit of a wild phase you went through. And I know that you're doing the right thing for yourself now. And when you forget to take good care of yourself, I know that he will." She kissed Rae's forehead, "It's nice to know I don't have to worry about you so much anymore."

"You don't have to worry at all mum."

"I'll always worry Rae; you're my girl." They shared a happy grin before heading into what ended up being a remarkably pleasant dinner.

_'Von' by Sigur Ros_

Rae noticed the withered and browned plant on his desk, strewn with multiple folders, all closed for privacy. She saw the ashtray on the table with several cigarette butts in it. She felt a moment of reflective sadness and guilt; this was her Kester, the Kester she had wanted back after he had felt more calm and at peace after his holiday. But maybe being the other Kester was better for him; he looked tired again.

"Looks like you need another holiday." Rae sat down and took him in. "Can't be easy dealing with all us nutjob teenagers."

"It does have its difficulties." He said with a wry smile, and his mind went to Liam, and then Tix, "And heartaches." He added, the smile leaving his face.

"I bet I'm one of the difficulties." She grinned and was glad to see him grin back.

"You used to be. But you're doing so well now…" He was sad that he was thinking that it might be time to finish therapy with Rae soon. Certainly when she went to university he would not be seeing her anymore.

"I think I'm doing really well too. The mindfulness exercises have been really good, I feel more positive about myself than I think I ever have…" Rae said with a confident smile, "But there are a few things I need to talk to you about still."

"Alright." He sat back in his chair. "What will we begin with?"

"My dad. Again." She sighed heavily. "I've been sitting on these feelings since he sent me a letter asking for me to get back in contact with him." Kester nodded and waited for her to continue, "it's like… I've wondered why he abandoned me. This sounds so fucked up but I were kinda almost jealous that Finn's mum actually had a reason to go…" She shook her head at herself, "My dad had none." She fidgeted with her sleeves, "I just wasn't important enough for him to stay. I keep wondering why he left." She looked up at Kester, "And even though I'm getting better, and most days it doesn't get to me… I still feel so worthless, and unlovable that he could just abandon me like that. Like I'm noting."

"You know that him leaving has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him?" Kester asked and Rae nodded.

"I do. But sometimes, I don't know it." She furrowed her brows, "It's like that negative part o' me sometimes takes over and… but most day I know it's not me that were…is the problem." Kester lit up a cigarette, "And that letter of his made me feel like I were a disappointment to him, or like he feels like he can make me better than I am… And I can't help but feeling like that's how he wanted me to feel. Like I were broken and he could fix me." Kester remained silent, seeing that she was working through it on her own, "It's like he feels he's more civilised. The way he said he thought we could manage a decent relationship… And he speaks as though he's perfectly reasonable and has excuses for everything, and I'm the one who's unreasonable for having needs…" Rae scrunched up her face, "Like, it's ok for me to want him to stick to his word!" Kester grinned at Rae's progress. "And I can't help but feel like he just wants someone to work for free on the weekends at his store!" Rae narrowed her eyes in thought. "But then I feel terrible, cos I don't really know him, and I'm making all these assumptions. And really do wanna know why he left… so I been thinking that I need to contact him again, but maintain contact on my terms."

"And what would be your terms?" Kester asked and leaned back in his chair, impressed by Rae; she was definitely one of his patients he would be able to chalk up as a success story. And he was so thankful for that,

"I'm not sure yet. But I don't think I should contact him again until I do know."

"Sounds like you've got it all sorted." He said with a crooked grin.

"D'you really think so?" Rae looked up at him hopefully.

"I think you've done a lot of hard work Rae, and now you need to start trusting yourself."

"It's kinda hard to do that when I make so many shitty decisions." Rae lowered her eyes.

"We all do." Kester shrugged when she looked back up at him, "You've seen me passed out in my bathroom Rae." He nodded slowly, "You know that everyone makes bad decisions. You just have to learn from them, so you don't make that same decision again, if you can possibly avoid it." He smiled, "Which of course no one does and we all make the same mistakes multiple times before we finally realise what we're doing and change our behaviour, and even then, many don't change their behaviours because it's easier not to. No one is getting it all right." Rae sucked her bottom lip in thought, "You've worked against your negative self-image and thought patterns; these were thoughts you couldn't trust. You've learned to recognise these thoughts so you could fight against them." Rae nodded her head, "so you know which thoughts you can't trust, go forth and make your mistakes trusting the other thoughts, and learn as best you can. It's what we're all trying to do."

"So you're not gonna give me any advice?"

"Do you really need any?" Rae thought for a moment.

"Not really." She answered, "I understand how I feel and why. I know that my worth isn't determined by him. I understand that sometimes I'm still gonna feel like shite cos o' him anyway. And I know I gotta look after myself and be careful and politely assertive if I choose to build a relationship with him."

"Sounds to me like you've got this one under control. Does it sound that way to you?" Rae nodded.

'Yeah, I guess it does." She cocked her head to the side, "It's so odd to not be…" She thought through her feelings, "Seeking or needing help with this."

"You might need help further down the track and that's perfectly fine and I'm always here. But right now, you've got this."

"Aye I do." Rae felt a surge of self-confidence and took a moment to really enjoy that feeling before turning her mind to the other matters she needed to address. "There's something else that I've been meaning to talk to you about for months, but I haven't."

"And why's that?"

"I've thought about that question a lot." Rae said softly, "this thing… has been a real issue… and it's caused some issues with Finn and me… but… something unexpected happened a few weeks back, and I really need help understanding it all. And part of it I need to talk to you with Finn here."

"You haven't answered the question." Kester noted astutely.

"Cos I feel dirty." Rae answered quickly, needing to get the words out now before she clammed up and never said them. She'd tried to speak to Kester about this so many times… but the words refused to leave her. She felt so ashamed, and just admitting how dirty she felt, felt like admitting how dirty she actually was. Logically she knew she wasn't dirty, and that she had nothing to be ashamed of… But still the feeling persisted, and she hadn't talked to anyone about this. Not her mum, not Finn, not even Chloe, who would probably understand. And now she was trying to tell Kester for the first time, and instead she was crying angrily, deeply ashamed, her hands folded over her stomach, her face lowered, words still refusing to come.

"Is it about Saul?" Kester asked gently and Rae nodded her head, tears dripping down her face. Kester had suspected she was holding something back when they talked about Saul and the terrifying assault she had endured nearly eight months ago. She swallowed hard and then took a sip of water from the water bottle she always brought with her to therapy. After a few deep breaths she managed to look up at Kester momentarily before lowering her eyes.

"He um…" She knew she just had to say it. She tried to imagine it as a deep thorn caught in her side and that saying it out loud to someone would finally pull it out of her flesh. "He didn't just touch my breasts." Rae said slowly, "He also touched my vagina." She looked away so she couldn't see Kester at all, "He tried to get me to cum… and it hurt my clitoris… and now I can't cum like that… when before Finn used to be able to make it happen all the time… but then a few weeks ago…" Rae found that the words were pouring out of her now. "Phil made me cum like that… but I still can't get there with Finn…" She stopped, "And I don't know why." She looked up at Kester, "Why would it…" She was unable to mention what Saul had done to her again, so she simply skipped to the end of the sentence without filling in the missing words, "with Finn? But not Phil?" Kester took a moment with this information and lit a second cigarette. There were multiple things to address in this issue, but he went for the most important first.

"You're not dirty because of what he did to you." He said softly but firmly. Rae felt the tears stinging at her eyes again. She had said these kinds of things to Chloe multiple times in the early days of Chloe overcoming what Ian and Ben and all those guys had done to her. She had seen Chloe cry when Rae told her this. Now she understood why; Rae wanted to believe it, but she just didn't. It felt like he had left some sort of stain on her that would never entirely fade. All these months of not dealing with that stain just made it feel like it wouldn't come out of her skin even more. She couldn't believe how much she was crying over something that had happened so long ago; and she understood that it was still deep inside of her and she had been repressing and evading it for too long.

"If I'm not the dirty one, then why does he get to live his life like nothing happened?" Her voice broke with tears, "But I'm the one that will live with this forever. I'm the one that is stained with it. I'm the one who's got scars." She lowered her eyes, "And so does Finn." She mumbled sadly, again blaming herself for what he had gone through, her guilt over Saul resurfacing, and tying in with the guilt she had previously felt over Phillip. She put her head in her hands and tried to stop her thoughts from running a mile a minute.

"Because the world is unfair." Kester replied unflinchingly and Rae turned her eyes up to his, "And the innocent are often the ones to suffer. But it does not make the guilt theirs." He offered Rae the box of tissues and she took one, blowing her nose loudly.

"I don't even know why I'm so…" Rae huffed slightly and looked away again, "I don't even have a right to be so upset." She took the box of tissues and pulled out another one to wipe her eyes.

"Why would you say that?" Kester's brows furrowed and he cocked his head to the side slightly.

"You know… with what happened to Chlo. This is nothing in comparison to that." Rae took a deep breath, "I should be thankful that I didn't go through that."

"Rae." Kester said as gently as he could, "Sexual assault is sexual assault. It's not some sort of competition to see who was sexually assaulted the worst. This isn't the rape Olympics." Rae was stunned to hear his words, "there are some countries that would define what you've gone through as non-penetrative rape. What you have gone through is deeply traumatic, and you've been holding it in all these months."

"But…"

"Rae, you should never compare sexual assaults; they are all deeply traumatic, no matter how they occurred." She felt the words seeping to her core and felt like part of her innards unlocked, like she was allowed to feel as bad as she felt about what had happened to her. "If one of your friends were to tell you that a man stalked them, sent them gifts and dead animals over months and then broke into her home, held a knife to her throat in her room, cut her so badly she needed stitches, left bruises on her body, groped her breasts, touched her clitoris, made her masturbate him, all the while threatening to kill her… what would you think? What would you say to her?" Rae nodded, tears starting to return to her eyes.

"I'd tell her she'd been through something… really fucking awful." Rae's voice cracked and broke as she began to sob. Kester began re-considering his plan to discharge her from his care soon. He had thought she was holding in some issues with Saul, even as they had worked through a lot of it, but he had not realised just how much she was holding in.

Kester sat silently for a few minutes while she cried.

"What you have gone through is real. How you feel about it is valid." Kester said softly as she started to settle… Rae nodded.

"I've been telling myself that it wasn't…" Rae coughed and blew her nose again. "Wasn't a real thing and I were being daft."

"Well let me tell you again Rae; it's very real, and you're certainly not daft to be feeling what you feel."

"Do you think it's still Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that makes me not able to cum from Finn doing that now…?" She asked sadly and Kester nodded.

"Undoubtedly."

"So then, why… why with Phil?" She shook her head.

"Well Phil, as far as I know, literally had nothing to do with that traumatic experience did he?" Kester asked astutely and Rae furrowed her brows.

"No. He had nothing to do with it… But neither did Finn." Rae said, "He didn't do this to me."

"No." Kester agreed, "He didn't do it to you, but he was there. And the trauma of him nearly dying was the horrific ending to an unbelievably traumatic experience. Perhaps part of you is having difficulty separating him from your traumatic experience in some ways." He let Rae consider this for some time. "Some women can't have sex with their partners after a sexual assault. Which is a perfectly normal and valid reaction…"

"I can have sex. I love having sex." Rae said softly. "But the way Saul touched me, I can't…" Her face scrunched up in painful thought and memory, "It's like it somehow got cross wired in me brain."

"Trauma can do very unexpected things to us." Kester agreed.

"And because Phil had nothing to do with any of it, all me bits were working normally." She felt a huge rush of relief. This was something that had nothing to do with either Finn or Phil, and everything to do with Saul, and her trauma. She felt like she could handle that much easier. Rae felt like the situation with them two lads was far more complicated than the trauma she'd been through with Saul; that was incredibly straight forward to her. She knew that that didn't mean she'd get over it easily or quickly, it just meant it was far easier to understand.

"So how do I get it back?" She asked Kester, "How do I get myself coming from him masturbating me? How do I fix me?"

"There's nothing wrong with you Rae. You went through an extremely traumatic experience, and this is a valid response to that."

"Kester…" Rae said firmly, "I need this."

"Be kind to yourself Rae. Don't try to force it." Kester cautioned, "Take your time, and talk to him." Rae sniffed and nodded. "Have you told him?"

"No."

"Well you don't have to." Kester said, "You never have to tell anyone. But you do have to communicate about the problem. Be aware of how you're feeling, and convey that information to him." Kester told her, "Take your time."

"I'll tell him what happened." Rae said, "I should have said something a long time ago."

"Don't beat yourself up with the word 'should' Rae." Kester soothed, "Not telling people is an entirely valid survival tactic." Rae was glad that she as finally not crying again, "Many victims of sexual assault never tell anyone. And if that's what's right for them, then no one should judge that." He waited for a moment for Rae to think about that, "Everyone deals with trauma differently. And that's perfectly ok."

"I suppose you wanna ask about Phil?" Rae asked wiping her nose again. She and Finn had touched on the topic a few times in therapy, but neither had mentioned what had happened in Lincoln yet.

"I want to make sure you're ok…"

"I'm as ok as I can be right now." She said. "I need to change the topic." Kester nodded.

"So," He paused, unsure how to broach the topic. "You and Phillip have quite a history."

"Aye." Rae raised her eyebrows and nodded her head slowly.

"I thought that you were going to tell him that you weren't interested?" He asked gently.

"I kinda told him that I wasn't interested… well really I more told him that I love Finn. I didn't really say anything about whether I was or wasn't interested in him." Rae said guiltily, "I thought that telling him I loved Finn would be enough to put him off." Rae said honestly, "But I realise now, that I always hoped it wouldn't be." She looked down at her nails; they had grown a little longer since she'd stopped biting them. "The truth is, I loved him even then… I just felt so much guilt about Finn getting stabbed that I didn't even let myself think about how I was really feeling about Phil. He as just a guilty pleasure I'd been enjoying at Finn's expense."

"So you pushed down how you felt about him?"

"I pushed down even thoughts about how I might even slightly possibly feel about him." Rae said shaking her head. "But Finn knew I loved him." Rae lowered her eyes, "And he knew that Phil loved me." She nodded her head once, slowly, realising how absurd this whole thing sounded when she said it out loud, "So he organised for Phil and I to have a night together to discuss our feelings." Rae looked at the wall and took a deep breath, "And he said he wouldn't ask what happened…" Kester considered this for a moment, "I hadn't intended for anything to happen. And Phil made a point of not letting anything happen when I was angry about Elsa." She fidgeted for a moment, "But some stuff happened. Even after I told him I was gonna choose Finn."

"So Finn knows something happened?"

"But not exactly what happened." She told him, "He says he wanted to give me everything I need… Even if that meant sharing me with Phil forever… and I keep thinking, what makes me so special that I get to have everything?" Rae shook her head, clearly bewildered, "Most people never get to have two beautiful men love them, and be permitted to have them both… not that I have Phil… I decided against that. I decided against it cos I wanted Finn to know that he's special to me." She looked up at him, "Thing is Kester, Phil's special to me too. Different. But also special." She looked down, "So where does that leave us?"

"Where do you want it to leave you?"

"I don't even know." Rae said. "I can't imagine my life without Finn in it." She lowered her eyes again, "But I also have trouble imagining it without Phil."

"So how did you make this choice?"

"Losing Phil hurts slightly less than losing Finn. And Finn and I have put in all this effort to creating a wonderful and perfectly functioning relationship, so I am very invested in this. And him, of course. Quite invested in him. I love him so much Kester…" She leaned back in her chair, "I told Phil that I were sure of saying yes to Finn. And I am. But that I wasn't sure of saying no to Phil. And I'm not. And I wish I were."

"Love is an exceptionally tricky thing Rae."

"I just want to love Finn and no one else though. I just want it to be simple." She lamented, "I want Finn to know that he's…" Rae paused, there were no real words to explain what Finn was to her.

"In therapy he seems to still be very happy in the relationship." Kester watched her face closely.

"He says he's fine Kester. He hasn't shown one sign of there being a problem. And I just keep thinking to myself; which one of them lads is gonna break first cos o' me." She got up and went to the window, "They both keep telling me that they make their own choices… but I keep wondering; am I being selfish?"

"Selfish isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it's the kindest thing we can do for ourselves." Kester leaned forward in his chair, "Maybe you need some time to be selfish Rae?" She looked over at him, "You have had a long time of hating yourself and feeling like you didn't deserve anything good. Perhaps you're allowed to enjoy this, if you're not hurting anyone."

"But I am."

"You say they've both made their choice. Finn seems to be ok-"

"But Phil isn't. Even if he's made his choice, I'm still-"

"You're still not responsible for his choice." Kester said calmly, "We are all individuals, we are all allowed to make our own choices Rae. You're not forcing him to stay, or threatening him?"

"No!" Rae shook her head at him.

"Then it's his choice to make." Kester re-iterated, "And Finn's and yours. Don't take blame for things that are not yours."

"You know Rhys often says that we teach women to take the blame for things that are men's fault. And I can see it. I agree with him." Rae mused, "But I can't see how this is anything but my fault."

"Why do you think it's your fault?"

"When I first realised Phil had feelings for me, I should have firmly told him no then." Rae said.

"And you didn't because you had feelings for him?"

"That and I didn't really know how to." She sighed and sat back down, "I'd never really been liked by guys… how do you say no to them?" Rae shook her head sadly, "I said no to Phil, and I'm still not sure that I actually said no. If you say no and then add that you wish it were yes, that you're not sure about it being no, that you feelings for him… that maybe one day… how was it actually a no?" Rae lowered her eyes, "See how it's my fault, I convinced him to stay." Rae gave a bitter smile, "I told him I wanted him to stay when he wanted to leave. I told him I didn't want anything to change, that I wanted to keep our friendship."

"Did you tell him anything that was untrue?"

"No."

"Do you think it would have been better to lie, rather than tell the truth?"

"Maybe in this instance."

"Do you think he understands how you feel?"

"Perfectly." Rae answered, "He and Finn are playing at being mates to make me feel better." She stood up again, almost angrily. "Why are they doing that?"

"Perhaps you need to ask them?" Kester watched Rae turning herself inside out trying to understand their motives.

"Finn'll say it's cos he loves me and he wants to give me what I need." Rae said, "Phil… Phil'll say the same."

"Well is it possible they're both telling the truth about their motives?"

"I'm sure they are…"

"Do you not understand how you deserve so much love, even at apparent cost of themselves?"

"I know I deserve love."

"Do you?" Kester was halfway between delighted and disbelieving.

"Aye." Rae replied. "I do know that I deserve love." Rae said firmly, "It's the first time in me life that I've known it." She sat back down, "I just don't think I deserve this much love." She confessed softly.

"Why?" Rae looked at him for a long time.

"I have Finn's love. That should be enough."

"Do you think everyone should just have the love of one person?" Kester prodded and Rae looked away. She had heard Finn's words about this very topic, and Elsa, and Rhys, even Chloe now. It seemed like everyone around her was comfortable with having lots of people loving them, even in a romantic way like this.

"I dunno." She looked at him curiously, "Do you?"

"I obviously don't. After my second wife left me, I found love with my current girlfriend." He answered.

"But that wasn't at the same time." Rae shot back.

"No." Kester conceded, "But I did experience that in my past." He admitted.

"How did you handle it?" Rae asked genuinely curious. Kester gave a slight grin.

"Very badly." He answered, "How do you think you've handled it?"

"In some parts really good." Rae said, surprised that now she thought about it that that was the answer she came up with, "I've been really honest, and I've communicated with both of them about everything… but I think I should o' lied to Phil, instead o' get his hopes back up."

"So you think that would have been better for him?"

"I dunno…" Rae mused over everything that had been said these past few weeks.

"Or better for you?" Kester asked pointedly.

"I guess I'm trying to come to terms with the part of myself that wants him." Rae admitted. "I love Finn, and I always thought, that once I had him, I could just be happy, we could make it work… and we'd love each other, and only each other… forever." She pulled on one of her nails, "And it's like there's whole other part of me that I never knew existed… A part of me that wants both of them, that wants them to adore and worship and love me… and I didn't think I were like that."

"Like what?"

"I dunno. Selfish." Rae furrowed her brows, "I feel like a cheating slut." Rae suddenly said, "Even though Finn and I have talked about this so much I'm gonna fucking puke from talking about it." She ripped her nail off, too short and made herself bleed, she winced silently and continued, "I feel like I'm supposed to only love Finn no matter what, or I'm doing the wrong thing. But I also know I can't help who I love. So I feel like… I feel like I've done something wrong by openly acknowledging how I feel about Phil, I feel like… I should o' just… I guess repressed it."

"Do you feel like you had an expectation about how love and relationships should go?"

"Yes!" Rae answered, "And it's just not like how I expected it to be." She answered indignantly, "And half the time I don't know what I'm doing and I just try to fucking cling to this honest communication stuff, cos it's all I got going for me sometimes…" Rae stood up again, "But I feel like a bad person for being honest about my feelings!" She said exasperated. She sat down slowly, "And the lads aren't making me feel that way… I am."

_'Sway' by Bic Runga_

Janice had spent a good half an hour just staring at the work Kelsey was doing on the side of the arts centre. It was breathtakingly magnificent and Janice was more sure than ever that she'd made the right decision.

She was renting a tiny, furnished, studio apartment here in Stamford, as well as her other tiny studio apartment in the outskirts of London; this was costing her a small fortune. But she found she simply couldn't abandon the arts centre in Stamford and the Hayward Gallery had been exceptionally good about it all.

She was having Rae and Finn over for dinner tomorrow night before heading back to London on Thursday. She headed to the shop to pick up supplies before she'd spend the evening in her little apartment, missing spending her time at the Nelson home. She missed the far too few months she'd had with those Nelson boys, and her gorgeous Rae.

Everything was different now; whenever she was in Stamford she worried about running into Gary and his wife.

Wife.

She sighed sadly and wished she could stop loving him. It would be so easy if emotions were like light switches. Elsa had been a great friend and she wished she could be as blasé about love as Elsa seemed to be. She had called it an inevitability that came and went.

Except it never seemed to go. Janice lamented that she always seemed to love unwisely. She wished she had a little more control over her heart, or that she could be so accepting of her heart and all the feelings it produced. Like Elsa; she said to just ride out the feelings, and that the heart is really good at mending itself if we just didn't dwell on things. She could hear her voice now, over the music at a bar.

_If you love him, you'll always love him. Love doesn't just disappear like that._

_I still love people that have done unconscionable things to me._

_But your mind teaches your heart, and your gut teaches your heart, and your heart teaches itself._

_We just gotta get out of own way and let our body do what it does. _

_You heart will heal, he'll be a part of you now, but you will learn to live without him. _

_And you will learn to be happy again. You will heal yourself in time._

_Trust yourself. _

Janice had had a feeling that Elsa was speaking from experience. Janice had also had a feeling that she was wired differently to Elsa. Elsa seemed to be built to handle this world better than she was, even though she declared that she had just learned her lessons well and was not born this way; Janice couldn't imagine an Elsa that made the same mistakes she constantly did.

She tried to put all of that from her mind and walked briskly to the corner grocery store. It was starting to cool down a lot and she pocket her hands, wishing she had her gloves. The wind was truly callous on this overcast day and she took her hands out of her pockets to pull her oversized cardigan around her tighter. The good thing about being in Stamford on a Tuesday during the day was that she didn't have to worry about running into Gary; he'd be at work.

She picked up basket at the door to the store and went to the fresh fruit and vegetable section, smelling the oranges before she even got there. Maybe she'd make some orange duck for Rae and Finn tomorrow? She picked up the oranges and smelled them, one by one, weighing them in her hand to pick the juiciest.

As she looked up to see what vegetables were good she saw a very handsome man look away, very obviously silently berating himself for staring. Janice had never been comfortable with the way men looked at her, but with Elsa's help she was slowly learning to not let them ruin her mood. She moved through the boxes of fruit and vegetables, picking up food for the rest of her time in Stamford, ignoring the man as he lingered, clearly having nothing left to do in the fruit and vegetable section.

She walked towards the aisles of tinned food and was stopped dead in her tracks by the sight of Gary and his stunningly beautiful wife, laughing together. She had a packet of pasta in her hand, and his hand was on her waist, whispering something in her ear. Kenzie laughed again and Janice felt her heart die a little. This was the second time she'd seen them together. The first time they still seemed stilted and unsure, but now they were more bonded, clearly falling back in love with each other.

She willed her feet to move but she was glued to the spot.

In front of her Kenzie giggled and slapped Gary's arse hard.

"I'll go get the meat." She said and he watched her leave, his hands in his pocket, before sighing and turning back to their trolley, his eyes instantly catching sight of Janice at the other end of the aisle.

His jaw dropped and they stood in silence, Janice internally begging her feet to move.

"Janice." He barely uttered her name but she heard it perfectly and her insides ached for him. She ached for him to say her name to her while holding her. She ached for a life they would never have. She couldn't speak, she just stared at him. "I took the day off work." He explained, his fingers starting to fidget with themselves like Finn's did when he was worrying. "How… How are you?"

Finally Janice's feet started to work and she started to turn away.

"Please…" He said softly, not expecting her to stop. "I'm so sorry Janice." She paused, not wanting to look back at him but unable to stop herself.

"Me too." She answered, taking him in again. She turned and left, leaving her basket on a shelf before she forced herself to stroll from the shop, breaking into a run as soon as she cleared the front door.

She stopped after just ten minutes, the urge to run back to him and throw her arms around his neck and kiss him finally leaving her. The look in his eyes hadn't changed since the first time they'd come so close to kissing. When he looked at her, she saw how much he loved her. And she knew he saw that same look in her eyes.

She plonked down in the gutter and looked up at the sky for a while, trying to get her head into order. She had to fight with herself to not go back and tell him she still felt the same way and it was obvious he did to so what the hell was he gonna do? Let this love die?

But of course, that's exactly what he was doing. What she had to do.

It was what she had been trying to do. No, she'd been actively trying to kill it.

It didn't work.

She loved him with an ache that was absolutely physical. And it just wouldn't die.

Izzy shivered and pulled her hands into her sleeves. She read her English text doggedly, refusing to go back into the library; a bunch of girls were gossiping about Rae and Finn and Phillip, and even though Izzy had told them to shut up and mind their own business, they had continued their loudly whispered conversation.

So she sat at their usual lunch table, alone, slightly grumpy and very cold, determined to read as she had intended for her free period.

"Hey Red." Bryn said with a grin as he sat down beside her.

"You know Woody's gonna be very disappointed in you for not using Little Wing?" Izzy grinned and Bryn shrugged.

"Woody's nicknames are too hard to remember." Bryn complained, "For a simple lad like me." He took his jacket off slowly.

"I didn't know you had a free period now?" He sounded very pleasantly surprised by this.

"I usually do homework in the library during all me frees." Izzy explained, "Cos it's sometimes a bit hard to get it done at home."

"Oh right." Bryn, "Well I usually sit out here for this free, but," He put his jacket around her shoulders, "now that I've done that, I'll bugger off and leave you alone."

"You can't give me your jacket, you'll freeze!" Izzy exclaimed.

"Impossible." Bryn answered, "it's a biological fact that boys don't feel the cold. We actually generate heat. We are the reason that global warming is happening… You should probably destroy us all." Izzy laughed.

"Life would be very boring without boys." Izzy shook her head.

"Why? You got vibrators and girls go down better, so I'm told." Izzy blushed.

"Bryn!" She laughed and looked away trying not to laugh. "Maybe I like the way boys look." She said after a few moments.

"Ah well then… if you like the aesthetic, you're gonna have to keep us around." He pulled an apologetic 'it can't be avoided' face. "Have we got any other use than our looks?"

"No." Izzy said with a huge grin and Bryn chuckled.

"So you'll have to get rid of the ones that don't fit your aesthetic?"

"They can hang around and be gardeners." Izzy answered. "Cos I do love a beautiful garden." She jokingly told him as if this was vital information.

"I'll keep that in mind Red." Bryn took a lingering look at her face and looked away, "but am I pretty enough to be saved in the new world order of Isabella Reid?"

"Just." Izzy answered with a matter of fact expression and Bryn broke out into an even huger grin.

"Well I think I like your world better than the current one." Bryn answered, "Where do I sign up?"

"Oh I suppose boys are useful for being human heat generators." Izzy suddenly added.

"And what would my role be in your world?" Bryn asked, "I barely escape being a gardener." He grinned, "So am I a human art work, there for the aesthetic or am I human heat generator?"

"You get to choose." Izzy asked.

"To what do I owe the honour?"

"You make me laugh, so you get the special privilege of choosing your own fate."

Bryn narrowed his eyes as if in deep thought.

"Can I choose to be both? A pretty heat source?"

"I think you could manage that." Izzy answered and looked down at her book, she closed it and turned back to Bryn.

"Aren't I supposed to be leaving so you can read that thing?" He asked with a sly grin.

"You're also good to be my court jester." Izzy answered and Bryn laughed.

"Oh god! So much pressure!"

"Have you got performance anxiety?" Izzy asked with an innocent tone and a devilish grin. Bryn cocked an eyebrow at her.

"That was a bit of a risqué question for you Red." He said with an impressed tone.

"It's a legitimate question Bryn." She answered in the same tone, "Jester's have to perform. You have to entertain and amuse…" She sounded far more educational now and she gave him an expectant look that made him laugh.

"Alright." His eyes dropped to her lips momentarily before he looked back up at her eyes, "How do you want me to perform my Queen?"

"I haven't decided yet." Izzy was surprised how easily that flirt had come to her. Until that moment she had not intended to flirt. "You'll have to wing it until I do." She added, even more surprised by herself for clearly encouraging him.

"That's a dangerous proposition." Bryn answered leaning in a little, "What if you decide to cut my head off?"

"That's the harsh life of my jester." She felt her mouth moving more seductively, her lips still parted, and watched his eyes drop to her mouth.

"I like the idea of being yours." He said confidently, without correcting himself. Izzy felt her breath catch in her throat. She had not expected this.

"My jester." She corrected him and he shrugged nonchalantly taking an apple out of his bag.

"Of course." He agreed. "I know you're engaged." He bit into the apple and grinned happily at her.

"Yeah." Izzy answered feeling unsure about what had just happened.

"So what's this book you're reading Red?" He changed the topic and Izzy brushed of what had just happened and handed him the book. "I wonder if they'll make me do this next year." He read the back. "Where are you and your hubby-to-be gonna be next year?" Bryn gave her an odd, knowing look and Izzy furrowed her brows.

"I dunno." She answered slowly, "He has a business here, so he kinda has to stay here."

"And what about you Isabella?" He took another bite of his apple, "Where are you gonna be?"

Macca looked down at the quiz they'd been given. Their teacher had been called from the room and they had been given a page in their text book to go over after perusing their quiz marks.

"Well it's official." He said to Bethany, "Two weeks of your tutoring and me marks are up." He turned his quiz for her to see and she nodded.

"Still not up enough." She mused, "You gotta focus more Macca." She grinned. Macca had been frustrated that Bethany had actually meant tutoring, and they had spent three hours on two consecutive Friday nights working on advanced mathematics. But he did like that she let him sit next to her in class all the time now, and would help him with the work so quietly that no one noticed; their sides pressed together, their heads close enough to almost touch, her eyes always on his book, his struggling to stay off her face.

Phil was sitting with his regular group of friends, all of them comparing marks, Phil disinterestedly accepting their congratulations for again topping the class. Everyone had noticed the change in Phillip. He was still immensely concerned with his marks, but he was also far more relaxed now, and as his friendship with Finn grew so did his reputation in the school for being extraordinarily cool. And Phil's complete lack of interest in what or who was cool only added to it, much in the same way as it did for Finn.

Macca looked away from Phil and leaned back in his chair, subtly letting his shirt ride up a little to show of the ab muscles he'd been working on.

"What'd you get?" He asked and watched her turn her eyes to him.

"Phil what's you get?" She called across the room to him.

"100." He replied with a slight shrug and Bethany's lips drew into a tight line for a moment.

"One mark less than his." She said loud enough for Phil to hear and then sighed, "I need to study more, party less."

"Oh you can't do that." Macca countered and grinned when he saw her eyes drop to the tiny triangle of exposed skin just above his belt. She looked back up at his eyes.

"I gotta find time somewhere Macca."

"Well as long as you don't find that time by shaving it off the time you spend with me." He felt his stomach flutter with anxiety, but decided to go for it, it was time to be forward.

"Oh right?" She grinned, "And why's that Macca?" She looked back at her text book, expecting some generic answer.

"Cos I like you." He answered and leaned forward in his chair, so his head was in line with hers as she looked at her book. She paused for a moment and considered this.

"Well we're friends Macca, I'd be surprised if you didn't like me." She answered with a crooked grin.

"No Bethany." Macca's mouth felt dry, his hand were shaking, but he swallowed hard and took a deep breath, "I mean I like you." He emphasised the word like to make his meaning more obvious. She looked up at him, a slightly confused look on her face.

"So?" She asked. Macca had not been expecting that response and he froze, not sure how to respond.

"So?" He asked with real confusion.

"What do you want me to say?" Bethany sounded slightly angry and Macca was bewildered.

"I dunno…" Macca leaned away from her slightly to take her in while he tried to get his head around her response.

"What you expect the fat girl to just be so grateful a fit lad likes her that she rolls over and lets you have it?" She answered the confused look on his face.

"No." Macca answered defensively, his mind trying to get around her words and failing miserably, "but I thought that maybe you might like me?" He tried to get the conversation back onto a topic he could just barely cope with, rather than this one that was way over his head.

"It don't matter if I do." She retorted with an accusatory voice.

"Yes it does!" Macca found himself matching her intensity and told himself to try and dial it down.

"No it don't," Bethany asserted firmly, "cos I know how this goes Macca," Macca's eyes couldn't leave her face as he watched her speak; the pain of her past experiences clearly bubbling under the surface, "you say sweet things to me to make me melt and think you really feel something, so you can get your greedy fucking fingers in me knickers. And then tomorrow at school you pretend you don't know me." Bethany had in fact used the fact the boys did this to get her own rocks off with super fit lads, multiple times. The first few times had hurt her badly, but she had learned to separate sex from love and having a boyfriend and was accustomed to the whole thing now. But she couldn't stand the idea that Macca was doing that to her. Not him.

"No Bethany I wouldn't do that." Macca was overwhelmed by the pain of her past experiences and had no clue how to properly respond.

"Uh huh," She nodded her head cynically as everyone started to pack up around her, the class had ended without the teacher returning. "Fit lads are embarrassed to be seen with fat girls." She told him, proud that she had managed to keep the bitterness out of her voice. "I'm much too smart to fall for this shit Macca."

"I'm not embarrassed to be seen with you… I stuck up for you afore." Macca tried to reason with her, ignoring the students milling past their table.

"Being friends with a fat girl is totally different to going out with a fat girl." Bethany shook her head at him, "Guys'll give you shit and-"

"I don't care about that!" He answered forcefully.

"Yeah right, so you wanna date?" She asked cynically, sarcastically.

"Yeah!" He answered angrily. And she scoffed. Macca's brows furrowed again.

"Oh right!" She laughed bitterly, "I don't believe for a second that a fit lad like you wants to date me!" She retorted.

"What about Finn and Rae?" He grasped at straws, "That's proof that it happens."

"Finn?" She asked bewildered, "he's not fit."

"What?" Macca had no idea how to answer that, for the past few years of his life he and every other guy at this school had been lived in the shadow of King Finn: fittest lad in the school.

"Rae's hot. But Finn is kinda ordinary," Bethany explained like he was an idiot, "she could do better." Macca's mouth opened in surprise and then he blinked a few times…

"I… don't know what to say to that…" He said to stop her from packing her bag and leaving the now empty room.

"I knew it." She shrugged and picked up her bag, slinging it over her shoulder she got up, but Macca caught her hand gently.

"Wait," He practically pleaded, "I'm so fucking confused." She turned to look at him, "Finn and Rae don't have anything to do with us right?" He said firmly, "It were just me trying to convince you that I mean it."

"I don't know how you thought that was gonna prove anything." She couldn't fathom how telling her about a hot fat girl going for a lesser looking lad would somehow convince her that he meant it.

"Me either." Macca was starting to get desperate, "Bethany I think you're hotter than Rae, okay…?" He said, hoping that this was the right thing to say to make this all work out, "So maybe that means something to you and-"

"So you've put us in a competition that neither of us agreed to be in?" She asked simply and Macca let his hand fall from hers, hope slowly leaving him.

"What?" His mouth felt numb. How had he fucked up so completely? "Beth I don't even know what to say to you anymore."

"Well you're gonna have to do a lot better than this Andrew." She answered firmly and he looked up at her, not sure how to take her words.

"Bethany I thought that maybe you liked me like I like you, and now I don't know what's going on." He confessed.

"Just some winnowing." She answered and looked at his face with a clearly longing expression that made Macca instantly move closer to her; the desire was that clear. But she jutted her chin determinedly and turned, leaving without looking back.

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me you stupid fucker?" She asked with a fond grin. Liam looked up and saw Amy standing at the door to his room.

"Amy?"

"Liam… I would o' stuck with you if you'd told me." She came in the room and sat next to the bed. "I really liked you." She told him and took his hand, "A little bit o' mental health issues weren't gonna scare me off."

"Right, and cows like Stacey wouldn't o' put you in your place?"

"If she'd o' tried to come between me and my man… well you saw how I went after Rae." She lowered her eyes, "it broke me heart when she said you cheated." She took her hand off Liam's and sat back in her chair.

"I'm sorry about that." Liam lowered his eyes, "That were my fault."

"Oh right?" Amy asked unimpressed; she did not like Rae, and was inclined to blame her for the disintegration of her relationship. But she shut those thoughts down, there was something more pressing she needed to know about. "Did you try to kill yourself?" She didn't know if she wanted to hear the answer.

"No." Liam answered honestly, "I were just trying to have a good time… But I didn't care if the end result was my death." Amy nodded sadly, holding back tears.

"And what do your doctors say?"

"Well me memory's 95% good now, but I'll always be a bit scattered I guess, me speech is back to normal. But me walking will always be a bit stilted and I'll have this tremor for the rest of me life." He held up his left hand and she watched it shake for a moment before he put it down. "So I'm unbelievably lucky. That's what they mostly say."

"And how's it like being in here?"

"Fucking shite."

"I can imagine." Amy sympathised.

"How'd you find out about me?" He asked, his eyes lowered in shame.

"I heard Finn and Rae arguing. He does not like you." Amy said honestly. It had been a few weeks since she had heard Rae and Finn bickering, but it had taken her a long time to get her thoughts and feelings into something resembling order. So she had put off visiting until now, not sure if she could handle it.

"With good reason." Liam said with a sad smile.

"A lot of people have a good reason to not like you Liam."

'Oh I know." He looked down at his shaking hand.

"And yet we're still here." He looked up at her. "Maybe you should focus less on your bad traits, and more on the parts of you that keep us coming back even when you're a bastard to us."

"Like what?" She heard the plea in his voice; he needed to hear something worth liking about himself.

"You're a good protector when you choose to be. Fun, spontaneous, funny. You can be fiercely loyal when it suits you, and that makes a girl feel safe… until it no longer suits you be loyal. Then she'll feel…" Amy looked away and Liam lowered his eyes, "You're a great kisser, and fucking cute as hell." He scoffed slightly, "Can you still kiss, or did the brain damage fuck up your mouth?"

"I dunno." Liam answered, "I haven't tried." He looked around, "There appears to be a dearth of volunteers." Amy chuckled.

"When we were together, I liked the way you made me feel… until you got all shitty with Rae."

"Nothing were happening." Liam told Amy, "I met her in group therapy… we was going to group together. I wouldn't let her tell you… I left her to take all that shit on herself. And when it got too much, I kissed her cos I knew she were too decent a person to not tell you."

"So you used Rae to break up with me?"

"I didn't wanna break up with you. I just didn't wanna tell you I were mad." Liam said, "I didn't wanna go through all this shit. So, you know, I embraced the crazy."

"You should o' told me." She got up and looked at his face, a mixed emotions playing across her face. "I'll come visit you again soon."

"If you'd like to." His voice was hard to read, so she simply nodded and left, looking back at the door to see Liam's eyes still on her; watching her go.

_Amazigh Music from Siwa Oasis_

They had been in the country for nearly a month. Last night they had slept in the Sahara desert and looked up at a sky unhindered by light pollution. There were so many stars that they had simply laid together and stared at the sky in awed silence, unable to find the words to adequately describe the beauty they were seeing.

Two days ago they had visited the oracle at Siwa Oasis, a beautiful set of ruins overlooking the oasis, and Archie had walked through the doorway reverently, slowly, knowing that Alexander the Great himself had walked here. Whatever you believed about Alexander the Great, and when and where and how he proclaimed his divinity, one thing was certain; he had stood upon this very spot.

And now they were setting out with a man who spoke very little English, who stored an AK47 under his seat and wore the traditional clothing of his people in this region of the world; the Amazigh, or Berbers as the Europeans called them. Ali, who worked at their hotel in organising tours of the sites around Siwa oasis had recommended Sidi; his cousin, and Archie and Tom had given each other a glance and a slight smile, another cousin.

They had seen the salt pans, the ancient olive grinder, abandoned ruins of desert towns; Sidi taking the time to slowly speak in Arabic while Archie tried to remember the words and Tom looked it up in the Arabic to English translator. Between the three of them they figured everything out, laughing at the misunderstandings and bad pronunciation. Everywhere they went Sidi had to say;

"La Amrika." No they weren't American. The people were so inviting, bringing out sweet tea and trinkets for them to look at, of course Tom bought everything they bought out; Archie had been joking from their first day that they'd need another backpack on the way home. They already had a third for all the things Tom had bought.

They swum in the ancient spring called Cleopatra's Pool at lunch time, Sidi sitting by and chatting to the local boys who brought them fresh dates again. Archie told Tom as they swam that it is believed that Cleopatra herself swam in the pool on her visit to Siwa while the owner of the small café put together some food for them to take on their trip out to Gebel el-Mawta. The Mountain of the Dead. They were in a hurry because the tombs closed at 2pm.

As they drove up Tom felt that the place looked slightly foreboding.

"It's like eyes looking at us." He commented on all the holes in the side of the large mound. Archie nodded and gave him a huge grin.

"Shall we venture into the realms of the dead?"

"What, you mean again?" Tom grinned.

"Alright, yeah, there's a lot of realms of the dead in Egypt… wait till Luxor! The valley of the Kings and the valley of the Queens… so many tombs!"

"D'you know, I'm really looking forward to Karnak." Tom said as they approached the keeper. He was an lovely guy who opened up many tombs for them to see, some with beautifully coloured ancient paintings on the walls, some with inscriptions, many with mummified remains in situ, and one in particular that had Roman mummies over 1500 years old in it. He seemed to like the look of them and told them they could touch the mummies. Tom's mouth had dropped; utterly aghast. Nonetheless, after an almost silent debate over whether this was the right thing to do, both men slowly let their hands creep forward to very gently touch the closest amazingly well preserved mummy. It was dry and leathery and Tom's mouth turned down into a horrified expression as he continued to gently touch it. Archie had to stop himself from laughing at Tom as he examined the mummy closely; it was incredible that it was out here and still in such good condition. Everywhere he looked in Egypt he was amazed; he was so glad they had decided to come here.

Sidi gave them the thumbs up as they approached the car, leaving lots of baksheesh with the guardian of the tombs. Tom was still slightly shocked but Archie returned the gesture with a huge smile; they had figured out the thumbs up signal early on in their adventures together with Sidi.

This afternoon they would be exploring the ruins of the Shali Fortress, before setting off into the desert again tomorrow to spend several days with some Bedouin guides exploring the Sahara. Ali had suggested that he or Sidi might come with them and they had both been excited by that prospect; both men were awesome guides and very interesting people, Sidi not speaking English only made the whole adventure more fun. And Sidi didn't seem to mind that Archie's Arabic was horrendous, he seemed happy that Archie had bothered to try and learn it, and highly amused by the mistakes he made.

They got into the back of the jeep and sat opposite each other, grinning like school boys who had gotten away with something.

"D'you know," Tom said, "I reckon Mohammed would have liked the desert."

"I think he would have very much liked the White Desert, which we'll be going through when we travel back to the Nile."

"Ah yes, camels again." Tom mused.

"You know you love 'em!" Archie teased. "But, you know, thinking of Mohammed, I've been wondering, how does one even leave a terrorist organisation?"

"You'd think they'd wanna kill you or something?" Tom said, "got all their secrets."

"But it's not like…" Archie looked at Sidi driving in the front and decided not to use the name, "that organisation is exactly hiding though." He shrugged, "I mean they're very open about what they're doing and what they want."

"And how much they're willing to fuck you up if you don't do it." Tom added. "Do you suppose he just walked on in to his terrorists pals and said, 'alright I'm off, I've had enough of this caper.'" Tom joked and Archie furrowed his brows.

"Are you thinking he didn't leave them?"

"No, I know he did." Tom said without a hint of doubt. "He's a good person, just got his head totally screwed on the wrong way for a bit. Most people go through it."

"Yeah but most people don't pick up weapons when they go through that stuff." Archie countered and then reconsidered, "But then that's judging it off a western standard, we'll never go through the suffering that people go through in a developing country." Archie acknowledged.

"I suspect it seems like the only answer for these young guys in an extremely unjust and cruel world." Tom agreed, "But that's not to say I sympathise with what they're doing." Ali told them that nine tourists had been shot dead outside the Cairo Museum in Tahrir Square just eleven days before they had landed in Cairo. He was worried for tourism; and the economy they all depended on, and for the safety of guests in his homeland. They had noticed in Egypt that the notion of hospitality seemed to be held in high regard by most people they met. Ali was angry at the terrorists, ashamed that these things had happened to guests in his country, but also angry at the government corruption and lack of due care for its own citizens. Archie and Tom had gotten the sense of how overwhelmingly hard it was to live under what was essentially a dictatorship; how the options of the people here were so limited. How frustrating it was that the governments of other nations simply supported this dictator as he allowed his people to starve and live in poverty. They both understood the anger felt by people that knew they had no way out. But Molotov cocktails had been thrown at tourist buses and that was something that neither of them could comprehend; and neither could the vast majority of people in Egypt. Especially since tourism brought in a lot of income for Egyptian citizens. But neither had a clue as to what the answer was for the repressed people of this incredible nation. Ali had said that they could only hope for some sort of mass uprising that would oust the dictator and usher in democratic elections. Tom and Archie both just hoped that the people of Egypt got what they wanted and needed as painlessly as possible.

Tom opened up his boxed lunch and started to pick at the chicken; it was delicious, but he hated eating with his fingers like this. Archie opened his and smelled it. It was still slightly warm and he started to pull at the meat watching Tom as the wind ruffled his hair and he looked down this food. It was moments like these that he lived for. Quiet moments when nothing was happening. Spending so much time with Tom had given him plenty of moments of quiet reflection like this.

"Hey shithead." Archie said and Tom looked up.

"Fuck you shithead." He replied, his eyes sparkling with happiness. This was the coded language they had created so they could tell each other they loved each other in public.

"Looking forward to dinner at Ali's home tonight?" Archie asked him.

"Yeah!" Tom grinned, "Getting to know people has been one of the best bits." He popped some chicken in his mouth. They had been taking their time and getting to know the people they had been lucky enough to come in contact with.

Archie ferreted around in his bag and pulled out his diary; he made quick notes to remind him of what they'd done, in short hand, and noted how many photos he'd taken. He handed the diary to Tom, who wrote down the things he wanted to remember under Archie's notes in his own form of shorthand and Archie looked out the side of the jeep, nodding to Tom. Tom looked over his shoulder; a huge mud brick labyrinthine fortress that looked half melted in places, loomed up above them.

"Ready for a ramble through Shali?" Archie asked and Tom put his food aside.

"Fuck yes." The spirit of adventure and exploration taking him over.

_'Release' by Pearl Jam_

Finn dumped his bag beside his bed and sat down on it, grinning as Rae slinked down onto the bed next to him, her lips finding his instantly. They fell back onto the bed in slow motion, Finn's eyes going to the open door. He grinned happily as her lips travelled down his neck, her hands pulling on the neck of his t-shirt. His parents had decided to travel to London for the weekend to look at Kenzie's living arrangements and finally make a decision on the living arrangements.

"A whole weekend." Rae soaked it in happily as they settled into each other's arms comfortably. It had been a long while since they'd had a whole weekend to themselves; Finn had pre-recorded his show, the gang had no plans, they had the place to themselves. The school holidays were upon them; only one week off school, but it was still one week. And everyone was spending it apart doing various relationship things Rae supposed, until the last Friday night of the holidays. Then it was a party at Chop and Izzy's place.

"You might be interested in something Chop slipped to me this morning in the gym." Rae looked up at him and he reached down to his bag without having to get up. He dug around in the bag until his fingers brushed against the brown paper bag. He pulled it out and showed it to Rae.

"He could not have been more obvious." She said with a completely straight face. Finn broke out into laughter and opened the bag. Inside were ten bootlegged VHS tapes.

"We have our porno." Finn said with a saucy grin.

"Took him long enough!" Rae moaned as she looked at the completely blank looking tapes.

"Apparently his brother's each did a few for us." Finn shrugged, "I have no idea what's on them." Finn laughed. "Neither does Chop."

"Well this is gonna be an adventure." Rae looked at another completely unmarked tape. "Can you tell him to get a bunch of pornos where the girl's in charge next?" She asked him and Finn grinned.

"I'm sure we'll be able to find something." Finn agreed.

"Make sure you get some of the good stuff you want with that." She told him, "Like the caning and stuff." Finn bit his bottom lip and was overcome with gratitude that she was the way she was; she just accepted that part of him without a thought.

"I will." He answered happily, confidently. "Not sure how I'll explain it to Chop but…" He chuckled.

"Oh just blame me, I'm sure he already thinks I'm irredeemable hussy." Rae only half-joked. Finn had told her some of Chop's response to their situation with Phillip and she had been a little hurt that he was judging it so much.

"No, I'll own my own kinks when I have'ta Rae." He told her. "And if I'm asking Chop for porn relating to it…" He gave her a look, "Well I'm gonna have'ta own it."

"Well if you decide to Finlay, I am ok with taking one for our team." He kissed the top of her head after she laid it back on his chest, the videos left strewn across the bed.

"I know you are girl." He mumbled happily still holding one of the tapes. "Wanna have a look at them this weekend?"

"Maybe." Rae sighed and sat up. Finn looked up at her. He knew something was up; he could read her 'I've put this off for too long' face perfectly.

"Tell me." He scooted up on the bed and made the pillows comfy for sitting up, kicking his shoes off at the same time. Rae slowly gathered all the videos together and put them on the bedside table; Finn would put them in a drawer later.

"Maybe this weekend isn't the best time for these videos." She said sadly, she had wanted to at least have one night on their weekend without this, but she knew she had to tell him now. She wasn't in the mood for exploration while she had this hanging over her. Now that she had finally talked to Kester about it, it hadn't left her mind, and she had been having trouble orgasming at all this past week, even though her overall level of horniness had not abated one bit. It was really quite confusing and super frustrating. She really needed to talk to Finn.

"You bleeding?" He went to the only real thing that had ever shut down their sex life. This worried him; her IUD didn't guarantee no bleeding, but so far they had been gloriously redgate free and a change in that seemed to him to be something to go to the doctor for.

"No." She sat closer to him, facing him, her eyes lowered. "Remember when we was at the coast last?" Finn nodded, he had wondered when this talk would be coming, and he thought that he might have figured out what that had been about, but he waited silently, letting her speak. "You remember that I'd been having problems coming when you put your fingers on me clit?" She asked him and he nodded. Rae was grateful that he hadn't really tried to make her cum that way since that talk. He'd touched her there, gently, but he'd always followed his gentle touch with his mouth and she had been so grateful that he hadn't pushed. "And I said I had to talk to Kester?" She watched him nod again, his eyes on her face, calm and reassuring. Rae hesitated and looked down. "It's cos o' Saul." She blurted out, her nails digging under each other painfully. Finn put his hands over hers to stop her from hurting herself. She felt instantly steadier and raised her eyes to his, "He tried to make me cum that way. And it hurt. And it was terrifying." She said, her voice wavering slightly at the end. "And I'm so sorry I let this sit over us for so long." She couldn't stop the tears now, "I should o' told you sooner."

"If something like that had happened to me, I don't know how I could've ever told anyone." Finn said simply. "Don't be sorry for surviving this any way you could. You have nothing to apologise for. It's entirely ok that you didn't tell me… you never have to tell me anything you don't want to." She noticed how he had kept his hands on hers, not touching her anywhere else, even though he normally stroked her hair when he comforted her; he was respecting any triggers she might have. She saw how his eyes never left hers, but they were filled with softness and love. He was holding back his anger at Saul; this was not the time or place for it. "What do you need from me?" He asked earnestly. She felt herself almost melting into his arms, crying with relief more than anything. He understood that instantly and wrapped his arms around her. He had known this was coming and was prepared this time. He stroked her hair, feeling like he could actually be a good support person for her.

"You're not angry at me?" Her voice was cracked with the strain this hidden abuse had had on her.

"Not one bit." He whispered to her. "I'll never be angry at you for finding a way to survive Saul and his aftermath." He told her firmly.

"It's like sometimes he's still here in the room with me." She told him, her words escaping into the atmosphere and making the aftermath of this assault that much more real, "And I can feel his fingers, and the knife, and the fear…" Finn closed his eyes tightly and focussed for a moment on getting his emotions under control; he could express them later, now he had to support her. "Why aren't I over it yet?" She asked vehemently and Finn held her tightly.

"It'll take however long it takes Rae." He told her gently.

"You're over it." She said, referencing his stabbing.

"No I'm not." He said honestly, "I've just learned to live with that fear better." She looked up at him, "Kester says it might never go away." He told her, "It's ok if yours never goes away too." He soothed, "We'll just learn together how to cope."

"Don't you want it to go away?"

"Course I do." He answered, "But I can't really do anything about it but learn good coping strategies. Most o' what Kester and I are working on now is coping strategies and acceptance."

"Acceptance?" Rae mumbled thoughtfully.

"Of what you can't change, of what you can change, of yourself, of the way your life is… Once you accept things, you can channel your energy better into what you can change, and get on with your life. I can't change that I were stabbed and that I have PTSD cos o' that." He said, "But I can change how I cope with that, and I can change the way I view myself and the situation." He said, "It's been a journey." He told her. "So I accept, even if you don't, that what Saul did, has changed things. Maybe forever, maybe not. I can't change that. But I can work on making sure you know I'm gonna love you no matter what." Rae considered this for a moment, "But," Finn noted, "This isn't really the right time for me to be talking about this." He stroked her hair, "Sorry. This is your time to speak."

"I don't mind." She shrugged, "it's comforting."

"I'm glad." They laid together in silence for a while, Finn holding her protectively, stroking her hair soothingly.

"I wanna get that orgasm back." Rae sat up and looked at him, "I don't want him to own any part of me." Finn nodded cautiously, "I used to orgasm like that until he did this. I won't let him take it from me."

"Alright…" Finn said tentatively, "How would we go about getting it back?" The first thought Rae had was of enlisting Phillip's help. Not only was he exceptionally talented in that regard, but he didn't have the trauma background. But she closed her eyes and forced herself to banish that thought from her head. If she wanted to solve this problem it had to be a two person fix; just her and Finn.

"Practice I suppose." She said softly, "And communication. It'll be lots of stopping and starting." She apologised.

"If it's what you want, you know I'll do whatever it takes." She settled back into his arms.

"Can we start this weekend?"

"Of course." He stroked her hair again.

"Can we make love all weekend?"

"In between eating." Finn said with a soft chuckle.

"Alright, if we must." She looked up at him and they kissed, Rae feeling wonderfully at peace even though there was another long journey ahead of them.

_'Everybody Here Wants You' by Jeff Buckley_

Chloe put her gloved hand over her mouth and took in the lights of Paris from her five star hotel room balcony. Rhys poured some red wine; Chloe preferred fruity red wines, and brought it to her, joining her in looking at the night view over the city. They had been in their room for only 5 minutes before Rhys had called room service. He had ordered a cheese and fruit platter and wine, a red for her, a white for him. She looked to her left, there was another balcony on the top level of this hotel, but no others. It was just them and whoever was in the other room. But it was very likely they'd never come out on their balcony. Chloe ran her fingers along the sturdy balcony barrier and cocked her eyebrow as all sorts of ideas came to her.

"Happy Birthday Chloe." Rhys handed her the glass of wine. She took it and gave him a crooked grin, taking a big gulp of it.

"You are going to have a very hard time topping this next year." She watched him smile, a sight she always adored and then turned her eyes back to the city.

"We'll see what I can manage." He said happily and Chloe put her wine on the outside table.

"What am I gonna do for your birthday?" She laughed and shook her head. They would be flying back home next Friday morning. "I was in school this morning." She marvelled. Rhys watched her face as she expressed her emotions and delight at being in Paris. "A week in Paris." She sighed and turned to him, "You really are a romantic man at heart."

"On occasion." He admitted, "I knew you wanted to come here." He stroked the hair from her face, the slightly chilly air ruffling it gently. He put his arms around her and she nestled into his warmth happily.

"Don't think that I didn't notice that that spa bath is big enough for the both of us." Chloe teased with a slight tone of seduction in her voice.

"Is it?" He asked innocently.

"And the king sized bed is particularly plush."

"Really?" He sounded pleasantly surprised.

"And the lounge looks like we could both easily lie on it."

"Is that right?"

"And you could fit an entire football team in that shower."

"It also has stone seat…" Rhys said with that innocent tone again and Chloe looked up at him with a bemused expression.

"Why Rhys O'Daire are you planning on having sex with me this week?" She saw a smouldering heat in his eyes and felt her body respond instantly. His lips parted slightly, his fingers grazing her cheek before gently finding the hair at the nape of her neck, sending a delicious shiver down her spine. His eyes never left her face but it was like he was looking her up and down, eye fucking every inch of her body, while his eyes were fixed on hers. The dirty thoughts he was having were extremely obvious; his eyes were playing them out for her.

"As often as you'll let me." His voice was like golden honey, the desire that filled his entire being palpable in his tone.

"Well that's gonna be a lot Mr O'Daire." She watched him lick his top lip slowly, the grin on his face was utterly intoxicating, "We might not get to see Paris at all." He put his hands on her hips.

"Well it's your birthday present." He kissed her softly, barely grazing her lips with his, "You can do whatever you want with it. And me." He ran his tongue along her lips gently, his hips tilting into hers as he slowly stepped closer to her. Chloe looked up into his eyes. She had been demanding to see more of this from him, and as always, he was delivering. Spectacularly. The desire he clearly felt for her was melting through her body like molten lava, lighting a fire in her core. All that just from the way he looked at her; and his eyes never left her face.

"Well there are a few things I'd like to see in Paris." She could barely speak, she felt as if the air in her lungs would catch fire. "But I think I'll need to mostly stay in… and insist that you do whatever you want to me." Rhys put a hand on her lower back and pulled her to him firmly in response to her words. She gasped with excitement and then shivered as his hands slowly crept up her sides, her breath seeming to suck into her lungs without her having to breathe. Her body felt on edge, ready to cum at his slightest touch, her head dropped back as he ran his hands back down her side, his lips gently pressing to her neck. Chloe's hand went to the thick outline of his cock in his jeans and rubbed him through the material. His mouth opened, his lips turned upwards, desire and pleasure etched on his face. Chloe would never tire of making him look like that.

"Fuck me on the balcony." Chloe whispered. "And I mean fuck." Chloe told him firmly. He spun her around so she had her back to him and ran his hands down her back slowly until he found the hem of her short skirt and slowly pulled it up. The feel of his hands on her bare back and thighs was incredible as she looked out at the view. Rhys kissed the back of Chloe's neck, his fingers gently tracing along the line of her knickers, his other hand found its way under her dress and was caressing the side of her stomach, where she had a sensitive spot that sent tingles through her whole body. She'd never told Rhys that it was a sensitive place; he'd just learned it by paying attention to the way she reacted when he touched her. He ran his fingers gently down her crack, through the material of her underwear, leaving Chloe groaning when his hand cupped her cunt, his fingers tugging at her underwear, but not moving them aside yet. Rhys moved his hands to her hips and slowly ground his hips slowly into her; the layers of clothing between them doing nothing to hide the feel of his hard cock against her. Chloe matched his rhythm and moved her hips sensually, leaning back into him, raising her hand over her head to gently stroke his face. His hands travelled over her body as they almost danced, sexually, rhythmically rubbing their bodies together.

Chloe ran her hands over her own body, feeling the sexiest she had in her entire life as his lips found her neck again. She reached behind her and rubbed him through his jeans again as one of his hand rose to her breasts, the other reaching around to cup her vagina through her dress and knickers.

"Rhys." She groaned softly, desperate to feel his fingers slide over her slick pussy. And at that moment that he knew she wanted his hands in her knickers badly, he turned her around to kiss her lips deeply, his hands on her face. She groaned breathlessly, pressing herself into him, her hands pulling on his belt buckle inexpertly, fumbling in her eagerness, her need to have him.

But Rhys was all about taking his time when she was hurried like this; mostly because he knew it made her want him all the more. He kissed her face with soft tender kisses, his hands moving down her cheeks to her throat gently stroking her neck, careful to not close his hands around her throat in any way. She finally got his belt undone and used the ends to pull his hips into her, Rhys stepping forward slightly for her. Rhys followed his hands down her cheeks to her neck, kissing her skin passionately, his lips dragging along her skin between kisses. Chloe reached her hands up under her shirt, her fingers tracing over his muscled abdominals, tense with desire and pleasure. Rhys made a sighing noise in the back of his throat as her hands moved up over his chest, her fingers finding the piercings in his nipples. Like Rhys, Chloe had been learning and she knew that his nipples were far more sensitive than her own. The sigh in the back of his throat deepened into a groan and the rhythmic thrust in his hips began again, Chloe returning the motion. She grabbed the hem off his shirt and pushed it up roughly. They had learned that Chloe trying to get shirts off Rhys, who was 198 centimetres tall, was a bit of a disaster. So when she tugged at his shirts, Rhys would bend and put his hands above his head so she could pull them off him horizontally. Which she did now, throwing it across the balcony, nearly losing it over the edge, neither of them noticing as their bodies came back together, Rhys's hands travelling from her hips up her back as he drew her into a deep kiss, his tongue penetrating her mouth slowly, Chloe's tongue sliding over his sinuously. She got on her tiptoes and kissed his neck, and his hand went to her arse, pulling her to him and off her feet. She licked up his neck, his Adam's apple moving reflexively when her tongue slid over it. Chloe wrapped her legs around his waist, and bit his neck hard as one of his hands travelled up her back to slowly unzip her dress.

She kissed him, pouring all her pent up sexuality into her lips. Their sex life had been affected by Ian's visit again, but not as badly as the first time, and the past few days Rhys had been so busy preparing the business for neither owner being present for the next week. They had barely seen each other and Chloe's desire for Rhys had grown; she was deeply sexually frustrated and she wanted Rhys to feel it too.

And he did feel it. He never felt sexually frustrated when sex was stopped due to traumatic events. But when it was stopped for business it drove him to deep distraction and frustration. His desire for Chloe was already in overdrive because of his deepening feelings for her, but barely seeing her these past few days had felt like it was killing him, in more than one way; emotionally, mentally, physically, and of course sexually.

Chloe let her legs drop and Rhys carefully guided her to the floor, their lips not parting until her feet were firmly on the ground, and then only so that her mouth could travel down his neck to his chest. She pushed him back against the Balcony railing, and he held onto it, his head thrown back, understanding what she wanted as her mouth travelled down his body. His breath inhaled sharply when she bit his nipple and he groaned; there was still something of a masochist in him; he hadn't been with Tom or Pandora for no reason, and Chloe enjoyed giving him these small spikes of pain amongst all the pleasure. The sadist in him would gain nothing with Chloe though; she had absolutely no desire to feel pain during sex; she'd already had enough pain when men were doing things to her. Chloe already knew he'd need an outlet for that, and she supposed he'd have to take another lover, she really didn't mind. She had this with him; she had his heart and soul, someone else could feed the darker parts of his sexuality, she'd feed these parts of it and he'd be just fine; she understood his complex sexuality now. She bit his other nipple harder and earned a deep groan that seemed to rumble from his stomach. She put her fingers on his stomach and went back to his other nipple sucking it softly, feeling a pulse of pleasure go through his abdomen. And when she bit his nipple, hard, she felt the muscles -in his stomach contract sharply, the rumble of a groan escaping him again. She licked his chest and grinned up at him, enjoying the way his head lolled back, how he so deeply enjoyed everything she did to him. She kissed along his lower abdomen, sending shivers through his body as bit him harder than she ever had. She let her tongue slip across the very base of his cock, but bit his pubic mound hard.

"Oh missy, you're killing me," He groaned and Chloe was grateful that he was being more vocal like this for her. She supposed that has more or less vocal as his lover's required, he was adaptable after all. But she wanted to hear what she was doing to him. He groaned deeply, as she started to lick the length of his cock, the groan growing louder as her tongue got closer to the head of his cock. Chloe took the head of his cock into her mouth and he gave a loud throaty groan of appreciation. She stroked his shaft and sucked on the end of his cock, her eyes never leaving his as he watched her slide her lips over his cock.

Rhys saw a movement out of the corner of his eyes and shot his eyes to the other balcony, a woman in a dressing gown was standing on the balcony, frozen, obviously having just stepped out for the cigarette she had in her hand, still not lit; the lighter in her other hand.

"Chloe." Rhys said gently, but urgently, and nodded towards the other balcony. Chloe turned her face, her hand still stroking his shaft, her lips still on the tip of his cock and saw the woman staring at them in surprise. She was an attractive woman in her late 30s Chloe guessed. And she didn't seem upset by what she had seen. Chloe gave a sinuous grin and, her eyes still on the woman, kept sucking Rhys's cock. Rhys turned his eyes from the woman to Chloe, wanting to focus on what she was doing to him; she so loved that she could make him gasp him pleasure, and so did he. He watched her putting a show on for the other woman, not entirely sure of what she was doing, the angles where not great, and Rhys had to switch off the part of his brain that understood angles for sex shows; he never wanted that job to come into their sex life; sex as a job was entirely different to sex for pleasure. And Rhys so enjoyed the pleasure they brought each other. The woman sat down on the outside furniture and lit her cigarette. Chloe turned her face away from the woman and took a deep breath before taking in just over half of the length of Rhys's cock. His groan was throaty, and his hand stroked her hair as his breath came in deep lusty moans. Chloe was getting quite good at deep throat, and she could take in 6 inches of him now. She felt Rhys's body shudder slightly as she sped up, sliding him down her throat, a tear slipping from her eye from the effort it took to do it. Rhys's moans got loader, breathier, his eyes burning into her, his lust growing with every passing moment. Eventually she went to deep for herself and gagged loudly, having to pull off his cock, but her hand kept stroking him as she took a deep breath and steadied her stomach. She intended to start sucking him again, but Rhys picked her up bodily, and bent her over the railing, gripping her hips firmly to make sure she had grabbed hold of the railing, before he sunk to his knees, lifting up her dress, he grabbed her arse cheeks and licked from her clit to her arse through her underwear. She groaned loudly, frustrated.

"Rhys." She pleaded when his mouth closed over her clothed cunt. He made a noise in the back of his throat in response and she pushed her cunt back into his face. Chloe turned her face to the side and saw the woman on the other balcony, she made eye contact with her as Rhys continued to lick her through her underpants. The woman bit her bottom lip, clearly filled with desire, and then drew heavily on her cigarette. Rhys gently pulled aside Chloe's underwear and licked her labia. Chloe groaned and strained to get her clitoris near his tongue. But pulled back and slid his fingers under the hem of her knickers and slid them down her legs smoothly, ignoring them once they got to her knees, returning his hands to her arse, gently rubbing and kneading her cheeks before pulling them apart again. Chloe held her breath in anticipation, and Rhys paused, waiting, watching the opening to her vagina pulsing with desire.

Rhys waited until she whimpered with impatience and then he dove in, his tongue licking the full length of her crack several times, sending shivers and tingles through her whole body, before he settled in to licking her clit. He licked with the tip of his tongue in circles around her clit, interspersing that with harder, flat tongued licks of her whole clitoris. Chloe's nails scratched along the concrete barrier to the balcony and she laid her cheek on the cold concrete, her eyes still on the other women, her mind deciding that she would need to have a few threesomes with Rhys. It didn't take long for Chloe to cum from oral sex and she could already feel the building electricity in her lower stomach spreading through her body. She started to shake with orgasm and the woman on the other balcony leaned forward, entranced by what they were doing. Chloe groaned loudly in time to the rhythmic shudders rocking her body, Rhys slid a finger inside of her and pressed down towards her clitoris, making a 'come here' motion, intensifying Chloe's orgasm and making it peak again as he continued to lick her clit, building speed with both tongue and finger. Rhys had been exploring different ways to give her multiple orgasm, and as the third orgasm shuddered through her, her voice ragged and breathy he locked what he was doing into his memory. As her shuddering subsided he withdrew his finger and licked the opening of her vagina, making Chloe moan deeply; she was very sensitive in that area, and he finished up with a nice bit of anilingus before licking her clit again until she started to groan, ready to cum again. But he was saving that for later and pulled back. When he stood up he ran his cock along her wet slit several times before stepping back and gently puling Chloe to him. She turned and they kissed, she loved the taste of her cunt on his lips. She felt his hands slowly pulling her dress up. She raised her arms above her head, now completely focussed on Rhys and what they were doing, forgetting the other women, forgetting that they were on the balcony of a world class Parisian hotel. She wasn't wearing a bra today and his eyes finally dropped from her face to take in her whole body. Chloe never felt more naked than when she fell under his gaze; he could see right through to the core of her, could see all of who she was. And he loved her. He looked at her with desire even though he truly saw who she was. And he did it every time they had sex, he looked right through to her soul, and loved her completely, and truly unconditionally. When he looked at her in this particular way, with his smouldering desire not nearly as contained as it usually was, she always tried to stand there as long as possible to let him take her in, because he so enjoyed that she let him look at her, but she always ended up flinging her arms around his neck and kissing him, happy tears choking the back of her throat. And this time was no exception, and his kiss was heated, faster, rougher than she was used to, every time she let him look at her like that. His hands were splayed across her upper back and the back of her head, keeping her close to him as he devoured her with kisses. Chloe could never breathe properly when this happened. She loved it. She gasped when he finally stopped and instantly jumped up, her legs going around his waist, Rhys catching her, as always, with absolute ease. He slid into her and using his hands on her hips, moved her entire body up and down, sliding himself in her and out smoothly as if she weighed nothing. Chloe found this strength to be unbelievably erotic; the physical power this man held in his very hands and he used it only to bring her pleasure… it made her wet just thinking about it. She kissed his lips, trying to devour him as he was beginning to devour her during sex. She felt his stomach tense up, his breathing stop, as she opened her mouth widely and fucked his mouth with her mouth. His eyes were closed and the rhythmic thrusting slowed, each time he was in her he pushed hard to make sure he was in as deep as he could, making Chloe gasp as she devoured him with her kiss. He started to breathe again when Chloe stopped kissing him to look into his eyes. This was making love, they always made love, even if it turned into fucking part way through, which they both knew this would. Chloe always found this intense love-making, their eyes locked to be unbelievably intimate. The whole world ceased to exist, it was only them locked together, him inside of her, her enveloping him. It was just them, and Chloe forgot everything else, all of her cares, scars, worries. Gone. She would always have a small kind of tingling orgasm that spread warmth through her whole body, her eyes never leaving his.

"I love you." She whispered as she felt the tingling begin, her whole being overcome with her feelings for him.

"I love you too Chloe." He returned as her orgasm began, his eyes filled with his emotion. They had never told each other they loved each other during this part of their love making before. It felt natural, like they had always done it, like they always would. They kissed tenderly, and without a word, Rhys began to speed up his movements and Chloe simultaneously leaned back, finding the balcony barrier and leaning her shoulders across it, her head lolling back to look out across Paris upside down. Rhys supported her hips, so that she could be in a lying position with only her hips and shoulders supported and started to fuck in earnest; as she had commanded earlier. By now, Chloe was so wet and excited, the size of Rhys's cock was of no consequence as he slammed it into her quite hard, waiting from a word from her to go harder or softer. Her head was rolled back, her face not visible, so Rhys let his eyes take in her body lustfully, the way her breasts moved as he fucked her like a jackhammer was intoxicating. She was crying out loudly now, breaking a nail on the concrete barrier as she scratched it when her orgasm screamed through her body. He leaned down to kiss her neck and her arms went to his back, her nails digging in, urging him on.

"Harder." She gasped, barely making a sound. Rhys picked her up and slammed her into the wall of the hotel next to the sliding door that led to the balcony. His hand instantly came up to the back of her head to stop it from bouncing off the wall, before reaching down to grab her arse. Chloe noticed these tiny moments of him taking care of her body; even when he was deeply embroiled in his lusty passion for her, he still managed to protect her. She gasped and laughed with delight when he rammed into her fiercely hard; Rhys getting a little rough was very welcome, she knew he had control of himself and he'd never hurt her. She could trust him. So she encouraged him in whatever he was doing sexually.

"Fast… faster…" She gasped, and Rhys was grateful to oblige. She ran her fingers through the short growth of hair he had now and pulled his hair involuntarily as she came again, silently this time.

Rhys felt himself getting close so he stopped, Chloe's legs slinking to the floor, exhausted.

"Behind?" he asked and she nodded, bending over the balcony, her breasts hanging over the edge, her hands holding on loosely, knowing that Rhys would hold on to her firmly. Knowing she was safe in his hands. He slid his cock along her crack again and she looked over her shoulder.

"Did you wanna do anal?" She asked him.

"You done it before?" He asked and she nodded. "Did you like it?" She shrugged.

"Not so much, but he was a shite lover, maybe it'll be different with you?" Rhys considered this, glad for the moment of distraction; he had been too close to coming, and this let him simmer down enough to make it last a bit longer.

"Maybe when we've got some lube." He replied in a way that told Chloe that he didn't mind either way; he'd already done it, and received it, it was not some great mystery to him; leaving the decision up to her and her comfort levels. Ian had told her she didn't need lube and had made her give him head to get his cock slippery before shoving it in painfully. She had known Rhys would not be so careless with her body, but it was still so strange every time it happened; every time a male cared about how sex felt for her it still surprised her, even though it was Rhys and she knew to expect no less from him. She grinned and nodded, turning her head back around to look at Paris at night, what an incredible birthday present. She knew that Rhys was relatively well off, although he had little savings left since he had bought the boxing joint, but he had a great share portfolio that he had set up to make sure that he would be ok for the rest of his life, while he was working as a street fighter and in porno flicks. But the boxing joint was making money, and so were the shares, so even though he was relatively frugal, and still had a strict savings scheme, he made sure he put some aside for her birthday like this. And she knew he would always do this; this was just how he was. He was thoughtful. It was such a rare thing in Chloe's experience that she was overwhelmed and she suddenly turned and kissed him, tears on her cheeks.

"Thanks." She whispered feverishly. He stroked her cheek and smiled happily.

"My pleasure Ms Chloe." His eyes on her face as he held her to him was as much a declaration of love as the words he spoke to her. She grinned happily and turned around in his arms, looking over her shoulder seductively, her eyes telling him to bend her over. And he did, slowly pushing her down, Chloe leaning back over the balcony. She looked down, her head swimming slightly from the height and laughed as she saw people walking down below, her breasts hanging over the edge of the balcony for anyone to see is they looked up. Rhys slid his cock along her crack, stopping to rub the head of his cock on her clitoris until she was groaning again. He slid into her, in one long motion, going as deep as he could, making her gasp. He took a firm hold of her hips, the slight worry of her going over the edge of the balcony playing in his mind. He curved his hips up into her, and slowly slid himself in and out, feeling her rhythmically returning the thrusts. He dug his fingers in slightly, making sure he had her before he started to build up speed and force until her was fucking her as hard and fast as he had been before. She gasped in high pitched moans; he felt so deep inside of her and she loved it, easily coming again, with a loud shuddering cry that made a person down at the entrance of the hotel look up. Chloe saw him looking up at her and simply groaned as Rhys reached around and rubbed her clitoris while he fucked her, his other hand traveling up her side to her chest. She grabbed his hand and brought it to her breast, squeezing herself through his hand and slightly straightening up so she wasn't hanging over the edge of the balcony so much. Chloe closed her eyes, and let go of the balcony and of Rhys's hand. His hand went from her breast to the centre of her chest and she felt a gentle step back from the edge; even as he fucked her he kept her safe. His fingertips caressed the base of her throat and she put her hand over his, the other reaching behind her to touch him as he started to groan. She heard the focus in his voice as he groaned, he was waiting for her last orgasm, and it was coming along nicely. She put her hands back on the balcony, using it to bend her back and his hand travelled up her throat slowly as she leaned her head back and he leaned over to kiss her. The feel of his hand on her throat, loose, gently caressing her skin, finding the sensitive spots, his incredible cock sliding in and out of her, his breath on her neck, his muscled body pressed against her back, his fingers on her clitoris… Chloe came spectacularly and the minute she began to cum, Rhys focused on his own pleasure, allowing the building pleasure to finally reach its climatic peak. He came, thrusting into her hard enough to lift her feet off the ground, his hands still on her cunt and throat. It wasn't the first time he'd done that and she really hoped it wouldn't be the last time.

And soon she was done, and he laid his forehead on her shoulder, panting for breath, Chloe became aware of his hand on her still bruised throat. And she knew that had it been anyone other than Rhys it would have triggered her into a full out panic attack complete with flashbacks. But she felt how loose his hand was, how the fingertips had found the sensitive places along her jaw, and how his hand now moved down to her chest, still revelling in the feel of her body, even though their sex was over for now. He did have all this physical power, but he gave it all to her every day.

"Fuck I love you." She whispered. And he nodded his head slowly and scooped her up into his arms, his muscles huge from the work out they'd had during sex. He took a moment to look at her face and again nodded, the obvious love he felt in his eyes. He was more open with his feelings with her than he had ever been; but he was still Rhys, he didn't say it as often as she did. But he showed it in every single thing he did. Now that the sex was over Chloe started to fill the chilliness in the air again and thought longingly about the spa bath.

"I think that spa bath needs our attention Rhys." Chloe said and kissed him. As they turned they saw the other woman on her balcony, her mouth open with desire. They had completely forgotten her after Chloe had silently invited her to watch. Chloe gave her a nod and she nodded back. Rhys carried her inside, she quite enjoyed how he often carried her after sex if they hadn't had it in bed. He had explained to her that it wasn't for any other reason than he wanted to stay physically close to her. Rhys enjoyed cuddling after sex, he enjoyed talking, showering, staying intimate after sex, he enjoyed the afterplay as much as the foreplay and the sex itself. Chloe never felt like she had lost her worth after the dick had cum with Rhys, because his physical interest in her did not die when his erection did. And of course he was always mentally and emotionally engaged with her, even when he was exhausted after work. For all of her life Chloe had felt like she wasn't worth the kind of kindness and thoughtfulness Rhys paid to her just as a matter of human decency. But the added attention she received from being his girlfriend was sometimes overwhelming. But she revelled in every minute of it.

_'Say Yes' by Elliott Smith_

Chloe ate a cherry thoughtfully, her entire body submersed in warm tingly water, Rhys partially under her, a glass of his beloved sticky white wine in his hand.

"You didn't mind how I reacted to the woman did you?" She asked.

"I wouldn't have continued if I did." He replied.

"She kinda looked like an older version of Aiyana to me." Chloe mused.

"Yeah, there was a resemblance." Rhys agreed.

"I enjoyed someone watching us fuck." Chloe grinned, "We should do it again."

"If you want." Rhys stroked her hair lovingly, "But I won't think about angles during sex. If you want someone to watch, I don't care if they get a good view, I wanna focus on you."

"I like you focussing on me! And likewise, I prefer to focus on you… but it is kinda sexy to be watched sometimes." Chloe agreed to his conditions, "And I get it; you used to think about angles a lot. You don't want our sex life to become a sex show. Me either. This would be a rare occurrence thing." She added her own condition and he nodded. "But you know there are things other than voyeurism and exhibitionism that can take your focus off me…" Rhys made a noise in the back of his throat, "Like threesomes… I'd have to share your focus."

"And I yours." Rhys noted, "But I'm good at making sure everyone feels like they have enough of my attention." He noted. "So I've been told." He added with a cheeky grin.

"So you've had threesomes?" She asked and again he nodded, taking a sip of wine.

"Many."

"What kind?"

"The only kind of threesome I haven't had was one that had three women involved." He said with a slight shrug.

"But I suppose you've had a foursome where there were three women involved?" Chloe half joked.

"Yes." He answered and she nodded once, not sure why she was surprised by that; of course he had. "I'm afraid you'll be hard pressed to find something sexual I haven't done before." He took another sip of wine, "Except of course for things that are my hard limits."

"Which are things I wouldn't wanna do anyway."

"Likely."

"I wish there was something I could do for the first time with you." She sighed.

"You are the first person that I can't imagine spending my life without." He said the words simply, without artifice, without sentiment. "Not entirely a sexual thing… but I think it still counts." She looked back over her shoulder at him, twisting to take in his face properly.

"We're kinda serious aren't we?"

"I've been serious since the first day we dated." Rhys answered.

"But I mean…" She struggled to find the words, "I mean we're in love with each other… we both want, and even expect to be together in a decade." Rhys nodded.

"Yes." He answered, his hand touching her cheek.

"Well that's new for me…" She answered, "And… and serious."

"Do you need to not be so serious?"

"No I like it." They smiled contently, and stared into each other's eyes for a moment before Chloe settled down into his arms, Rhys sitting up slightly so she could rest her head on his chest without drowning. "I still don't wanna be monogamous though." She said in a strong, confident voice, with an edge of apology to it. But she felt Rhys shrug.

"I don't think it suits us." He answered.

"You said you might want monogamy if you fell in love with me." She ran her fingers along his chest and stomach thoughtlessly.

"And now that we're here, deeply in love with each other, I agree with you. Our relationship works this way. We're happy. However, I also want to be the only person in your heart, if you can manage it."

"We're the centre of this." She told him. "Even if I were to love someone else like Rae does; it'd still be you… like Finn for her." Rhys smiled happily, understanding what she meant.

"Perfect." He answered.

"So I think I wanna do a threesome." Chloe said and Rhys cocked an eyebrow in thought. "But not just yet."

"Alright." He answered, awaiting her thoughts. He'd never mentioned doing a threesome to her, he truly didn't mind either way.

"Because I'm just not confident in my body enough to be with another woman. I'd compare myself to her." Rhys opened his mouth to reply, "I know it's daft." Chloe said, "But I just don't love myself enough yet." She looked back at him and saw a sad expression on his face. "Does it bother you that I haven't properly figured out how to love myself yet?"

"Yes." Rhys answered softly, but before he had chance to explain himself Chloe was speaking.

"Cos of the whole notion that you can't be loved until you love yourself?" She asked.

"No Chloe." He answered lovingly, "Because you deserve to be loved, especially by yourself." She lowered her eyes, hearing these things was always hard, "The idea that you can't be loved, or are unlovable is rubbish." He told her, "Please don't ever believe that you don't deserve love from others just because you struggle to love yourself the way you deserve."

"Do you love yourself Rhys?"

"Most of the time." He answered honestly.

"How did you do it?"

"I try to love myself as much as I want other people to love me. I try to not talk to myself the way I wouldn't allow others to talk to me. I try to give myself what I want from others. And I also try to treat others as I want to be treated of course." Rhys added, "I try to treat everyone with decency and respect, myself included."

"Well some people don't deserve respect." Chloe said with a cheeky grin.

"Of course." Rhys agreed, "I try not to waste my time on them. I have better things to spend my energy on. But if I must… I can always give them a thumping." They chuckled happily.

"Me too!" Chloe laughed.

"Most definitely," He agreed. "You know a threesome can include two men." He said, "If you truly want to do it and are concerned that-"

"Most guys get weirded out by that idea." Rhys shook his head at Chloe's words. "I think I'm too used to guys being virulently homophobic douchebags, so I forget that you won't be grossed out by it."

"More than happy to fuck a man." Rhys said with a grin and Chloe nodded.

"Oh I know. I like that about you!" She told him, "D'you miss it?"

"A little." Chloe had expected something like that to hurt, but it just didn't.

"I think I'm ready for you to start having other lovers too." Chloe picked up her glass of wine and had a sip, "I'm not worried that you're gonna leave me for them or compare me to them… I feel quite confident in us."

"Me too."

Chop brought in a pot of tea and two mugs. He placed them next to the sugar and milk and the bacon sandwiches he'd made for her. He laid three videos on the table. Three Disney movies that he was willing to watch with her; she got to pick which one.

They had argued last night and Izzy had gone off to school today in a grumpy mood. She had pointed out that the business was taking a lot of his time now and that when he did have spare time he never did anything she wanted to do. And he never let her study when he was at home. Chop had yelled back angrily, but in the cold hard light of day, so to speak, he had realised that she was right. He had tried to speak to her this morning but she had been too busy to speak; rushing to get to school. And this afternoon she was with Rae, Phil and Elsa talking costuming for the one hour play until 8pm. So after he'd driven Chloe and Rhys to the airport at 3pm he'd come home and cleaned the entire house. It had been a mess; he'd been skipping his jobs. And now he was ready with some supper for her.

When Izzy walked in the door at five past eight she looked exhausted and not sure what to expect from him.

As soon as she saw the cleanliness of the house she knew he was sorry. She went into the lounge room to see him sitting on the lounge and fussing over the cushions trying to make it all look inviting and comfortable.

"Hi baby girl." He said with a sad smile.

"Chop." She matched his mood. But he suddenly grinned and held up the three videos.

"Your pick." She looked at the movies he'd pulled out of her collection; 'The Lion King', 'Toy Story', and 'Aladdin.'

"Toy Story doesn't count."

"I thought you might say that." He said and pulled one out from under the cushions; 'the little mermaid.' "I like this one cos she got red hair like you."

"What if I wanna watch 'the lion king?'" He usually rolled his eyes when she even said the name. He knew how much she loved Disney but he had never sat and watched one the movies with her, even though she watched football with him sometimes, and Hong Kong flicks… He'd been thoughtless, he had to admit it.

"Then that's the one we'll watch." He patted the lounge beside him and put the video in the player, not yet pressing play. She watched him pour the tea and reached for a bacon sandwich. She took a bite and stopped, staring at him in wonder.

"You did the bacon crispy?" It had been a bone of contention between them. He liked soft bacon, she liked crispy. Getting bacon to crisp up without burning it took time and effort, and Chop was always tired nowadays. So when he cooked, he never crisped the bacon for her anymore. He nodded, looking sad again and looked down at the crispy bacon sandwiches.

"The business has been taking a lot o' me energy." He said softly, "and I haven't been giving you enough." He looked up at her, "I'm so sorry Iz."

"Oh Chop." She whispered and put a hand on his face. "I understand. It must be hard getting the business working and making a good profit." She took a deep breath and let it out loudly, "I just been real stressed with school work and fucking chemo… I miss us."

"Well I took this week of work."

"You what?" She sat close to him excitedly, he had told her that he couldn't take any time off over the holidays, but he had hired an office assistant recently, and even though they weren't fully trained yet, Chop hoped that between her and Danny they could keep things ticking over. The business was important, but he'd been letting something far more important slide.

"We need some time together Izzy." He said, "We've had a rough year baby girl. And now things are starting to look up, and we need to remember to look after each other." He touched her face gently, "Actually, it's me… I need to figure a way to make time, every day for you. Proper time."

"I love you Chop." She leaned forward and kissed him and he eagerly returned the kiss; it had been well over a week since they'd had sex, Izzy's period and his work schedule had destroyed their sex life recently. His hands went to her waist, pulling her closer. "No…" She giggled, "Too hungry for that right now. After movie!" She demanded and Chop pulled back slightly and kissed her lips one last time before handing her the cup of tea and picking up his own sandwich. She took a sip of tea and munched on her sandwich happier than she had been in weeks. The prospect of spending the week with Chop uninterrupted was wonderful. Chop picked up the remote control and pressed play, putting a hand on her thigh happily, enjoying the feeling of having nothing much to do for once.

Phil ate the broiled, skinless chicken and steamed vegetables his mother had left in the fridge for him without bothering to heat it up. He took it upstairs to his room, having no idea where his parents were and not really caring.

He had a week of school holidays ahead of him with no plans with anyone. Most of his friends were elsewhere; travelling to places other than Stamford for a week. Finn had invited him to a party on the last Friday of the holidays. He took the scrap of paper out of his pocket and looked over the address. He hadn't decided if he'd go.

It had been a very difficult few weeks.

Every time he saw them touch, saw them kiss… he remembered how she tasted, how she felt. But Finn was being great, and that friendship with him had been something that had sustained him through this hard time. He hadn't expected this outcome.

And then there were all the close calls with Rae; whenever they were alone, it inevitably led to them staring at each other longingly. Today Elsa had been late to their meeting and Izzy had had to go to the bathroom and he'd nearly ended up launching himself across the table to fuck her; the look in her eyes…

But he was growing stronger. He felt it. Day by day. Not just emotionally and mentally, but physically as well. Although the bruises on his ribs he'd gotten from Rhys when he'd come over and told Finn to be harder on him, were a bit painful and he could have done without them. But Rhys had been right, when Finn got even harder on him still he had risen to the challenge and his physical regime with Finn was already harder than anything his personal trainer had given him. He had sacked his personal trainer, much to his mother's dismay, but he had calmly explained that he had found a better trainer.

He supposed that the one thing he had really learned this month was that friendships were important, but he was always going to be alone.

No matter what he did in life, what successes he had; he would end up alone.

Unless Rae and Finn agreed to…

But he tried to not think about that. He knew it wasn't going to happen.

It was strange, but when he first thought about being in a relationship with both of them, Finn had been someone to tolerate to have Rae, now he thought he'd enjoy Finn's company quite a bit.

His brows furrowed deeply as he suddenly wondered if he would actually go there… if he would actually have sex with Finn or any guy. He stared at his ceiling for a moment, unsure of the answer. So he shrugged, ate some food and decided he had to find someone to use him for sex these holidays. He had been without the wonderful properties of meaningless sex for too long. He really needed an Andrea, someone who was perfectly fine with the idea of him not loving or caring about her, but attracted to his body, and willing to have a lot of sex. He backed off the idea of Chloe; the fact that she was Rae's best friend had always bothered him, but even more so now that he knew Rae had feelings for him. He worried it might hurt Rae if he was with Chloe; even in a meaningless tryst.

He knew she had no right to be upset, and he knew she'd know that too… but it was what it was, and he was willing to make compromises to not bring her pain if he could.

He looked around the room and saw his reflection in the mirror on the back of his door. He still looked slightly thin, his jaw stronger, his cheek bones more defined; he was yet to put the weight he had lost back on. He doubted he would, given the limited food his mother was giving him and the workouts Finn had him hitting He supposed he could buy more food for himself, but he wanted to save, and he was almost getting enough food. He'd ask his mother for extra chicken. He looked at his blue eyes staring back at him and sighed.

"Better get used to your own company Phil." He told himself, "You're gonna have a lot of it."

_'I Love You' by The Dandy Warhols_

_Returning to a place that you have not been to in a long time is a strange thing._

_Walking down familiar streets makes me feel confident, like I rule this shit hole of a world._

_I spent the first day I came back just visiting friends; convinced one of them that he should go after that girl he wants. He always said he would chase the right girl. _

_And she is the right girl for him. _

_I told him to chase her down._

_He told her he would._

_I told him: 'let her know you're a man of your word. It'll make her want you all the more.'_

_Be a man…_

_The second time I came back home I visited her. _

_I didn't let her see me yet; her excitement at seeing her lover would have alerted people to my presence._

_I'm not ready for people to know I'm back._

_Seeing those you love, when you have not seen them for so long feeds the soul._

_But if you can't touch her yet, and she's so close… that makes the ache worse. _

_I visited a couple of times before she left me a gift in the front garden. _

_She must have felt my presence. She is an aching empty hole waiting to be filled up with me._

_We are soul mates. I am meant to fill her emptiness. _

_She must have felt her soul mate nearby and left that sweet gift for me amongst the plants near the front door._

_It was so well hidden that I know she left it for me; she knows how observant I am._

_She knows how I see everything._

_I left her a gift to let her know I was back the very next time I visited. _

_I wanted her to know._

_I needed for my poor girl to have hope in her heart that the love of her life was returning for her. _

_I wanted her to know that I hadn't forgotten about her._

_Spreading myself between two cities is not easy. But it's worth it for her._

_And it seems like everyone has forgotten about me, so it's been far easier to move around than I thought it would be. _

_I walked right past a cop on the main street of Stamford and he didn't even blink at me._

_Still, I feel safer in London for now. _

_For now, it'll just be these little trips home to gaze upon her. _

_I need to plan a way to free her from her captors._

_I need to figure out a way to take her home with me._

_So we can be together without interruption._

_I need to have a plan._

_My girl…_

_My girl is depending on me._

_She relies on me._

_I'm the man she looks up to._

_I'll be the one to save her._

_My girl._

_There is no one else like her in this world. _

_And our love is eternal. _

_One of a kind. _

_Incomparable._

_She is the love of my life._

_And I am the love of her life._

_Rae._

_My beautiful Rae…_

_I am going to love you until the day you die._

_I know how terrible it's been being apart like this. _

_And I know you must be wondering if I really do love you._

_If I care… If I miss you…_

_If what we have really means anything to me._

_I need my girl to know how I feel._

_I could never stop loving you._

_You are the woman I will be with until the day you die. _

_This separation has been as hard on me as it has been on you._

_I ache for you. I long to feel your hands on me again. _

_We didn't get far enough last time and I ache to slide my hard dick into your wet snatch. _

_I miss the feel of your silky skin under my fingertips._

_I miss your taste._

_Your smell._

_I'm gonna make you cum for me girl._

_And I'm gonna make you bleed._

_And scream._

_And scream._

_And scream._

_The way you want me to._

_I know it's hard to be apart my love. _

_But I swear to you that I'm coming back._

_I'd never leave you Rae._

_You're my one true love. _

_'This Must be the Place' by The Talking Heads_

"It's been a very demanding week." Danny continued as Grace carefully herded the ducks into their roost for the night. Danny enjoyed coming to Grace's house. She had ducks, and she taught him how to cook, and they kissed and watched movies and held hands and hugged. He enjoyed time with Grace a lot.

"Well I'm glad you and Chop have the kind of business partnership where you can trust each other." She said as she locked the gate and took his hand.

"Well Chop and I are very much on the same page." Danny answered with a knowledgeable air, "and he never treats me like I put in less money than he did."

"Well you're the accountant Danny." Grace answered, "That's one of the most important jobs for a company."

"I'm aware." Danny nodded slowly, "It's lucky that I'm brilliant with numbers." He nodded and gave her a grin.

"And computers." Grace grinned, "I wanna thank you for that system you put in the clinic, it has been nothing but brilliantly helpful." Grace was a vet. She was the junior vet at her clinic, but she intended to start her own business once she had more experience. But she was still young, only 24, and had plenty to learn and this was only her first year out of university. Danny was the first guy she had dated who was younger than her, he had just turned 20. He was strange in many ways, but there was something about him; he was so genuine, she found herself drawn to his honesty. There was no guile, no hidden agenda. It made for a nice change from the usual douchebags she'd dated.

"Let me know if you need anything else." He answered with a happy grin.

"Wanna make some vegetarian pasta with me?" She asked as the got back into her house and Danny nodded. Grace was also a vegetarian, which Danny really liked. After his mother served duck a few weeks back, Danny discovered that he really didn't like the idea of eating animals. "How's the new administrator going?" Grace asked as she got some vegetables out of the fridge.

"Becky?" Danny asked and thought about it momentarily, "She's really great. Knows her stuff. She's whipped Chop into shape!" Danny grinned, "He was always so messy with his paperwork."

"He prefers the mechanical stuff tough right?" She asked with a shrug and Danny nodded.

"That is his true love." Danny thought of the way Chop looked at engines, the way his mind figured them out so easily. Danny didn't like cars so much; the dirtiness of them had never appealed to him. She handed him a knife and they both started chopping.

"So it's been, what six weeks, since I wrote my number on the back of your hand at the pub?" She saw him nod from the corner of her eye, "You're very charming with that… odd confidence of yours." She grinned and Danny looked over at her, they shared a smile. "I feel like…" Grace paused not sure how to address the issue she was having, "I like you quite a bit Danny." She put down the knife and turned to him, "I like you a lot."

"Well that's good, I like you a lot too." She bit her bottom lip and considered how to proceed.

"I like how slow we've been going." She acknowledged, "It makes me feel very close to you." She cleared her throat and furrowed her brow in thought, "But I think… maybe… it's time." She paused and took a deep breath, "I wanna have sex with you." She let the words tumble out of her mouth unedited and waited to see what would come of being so forward. Danny gave a pained expression and looked down.

"Well…" He said softly, "I guess we can try."

"No I don't wanna try, I want you to want it too." She touched his cheek and he looked up at her, a deeply troubled look on his face.

"I don't know if I do." He admitted.

"Don't you find me attractive?" She fought to understand.

"No, I do. And I like you a lot. And I love kissing you and holding you… I like romance and dating… I just… I don't have that urge. I don't know why." He looked up at her face, "I'm sorry. I think I might be broken."

"Well have you felt that way for men?" Grace tried to figure it out.

"No." He answered, "I definitely prefer the company of the fairer sex in that regard." Danny added.

"Right." Grace said softly her mind ticking it all over.

"I suppose…" Danny said sadly, "You have to decide if you still wanna spend your time with me."

"Of course I do." Grace answered instantly, surprising herself. She was a very sexual woman, and this was going to take some getting used to. "And I don't think you're broken… maybe your libido is just really low. Or… you need to love someone before you feel that way… or… or maybe you just don't wanna have sex." She took his hand, "We'll figure it out, yeah?" Danny cocked his head to the side in thought.

"But you do want sex."

"Yes I do." She admitted. "But… I really like you." She shrugged, "You're nice and loving and… I like the way your brain works."

"I like the way your brain works too." He looked down at their hands touching, "Maybe in time I will want sex too."

"Maybe." She answered. "But I'm not gonna base any decisions I make on maybes." She answered.

"So you'll still date me even though I don't…?" She nodded.

"And you'll still date me even thought I do?"

"Of course." Danny replied, "Although this is going to take some working out."

"Well as long as we're both willing to work through it, I think… I think we'll be ok." Grace decided with a nod of her head.

"So does that…?" Danny considered her words, "Does that make it official?" He cocked his head to the side, "Are we boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"I think so." She picked the knife back up and turned to chop vegetables, but Danny leaned in and kissed her lips softly.

"I like kissing." He told her, "A lot."

"Well… we've got something in common there." She kissed him slowly, and when she stopped he smiled almost goofily and chuckled.

"We can do that a lot." He picked up his knife and turned to the vegetables, "Course you'll have to meet my family." He told her, "And my friends." He bit his bottom lip and turned to her, "And I suppose I should tell you that I were locked up in mental ward for a while." He suddenly worried what she would think.

"The world often locks up people they don't understand." Grace replied.

"I weren't coping with the world." Danny said softly, "It were so loud." He lowered his eyes, "I hope you don't think-" But Grace put her knife down and took his face into her hands.

"My favourite painter is Vincent Van Gogh." She told him, "He was quite brilliant. But he was different to everyone else, like you are. And the world was so cruel to him that he cut off his own ear… and killed himself." She stroked his cheeks, "That says so much about this world, don't you think? That it would punish someone for thinking differently so severely that they would kill themselves?"

"Yeah." Danny said softly, captivated by her impassioned words.

"I don't think that there's anything wrong with you Danny." She said firmly, "You're just different. And different is ok. It's more than ok. It's bloody brilliant." She smiled when she saw him grin, "Alright?"

"Alright." Danny's goofy grin was back and he blushed happily as he turned to his vegetables again.

"And you'll have to meet all of my friends and family too." She told him with an air of finality, "Can't have my boyfriend not knowing my shitty brothers."

"Shitty how?"

"Shitty in that there's three of them and one of me, and they never let me forget it!" She laughed. "But they're good really. What are your family like."

"Odd." Danny answered, "My parents are very protective of me. My mother in particular. And dad is quite like me. Me sister is embarrassed by us all, cos she's as normal as they come." Danny said, "She's probably gonna be a supermodel. That's what she wants."

"Wow." Grace pulled a face, "I never thought I'd know a supermodel."

"It's not that different from knowing anyone else." Danny assured her. "So what have we got planned for tonight?"

"Well, dinner and a movie of course." Grace answered, "Accompanied by snuggles and intense making out on the lounge?"

"Sounds good." Danny answered in his usual infectiously happy tone.

"Do you wanna stay the night? We can hug all night?" Danny considered this and slowly nodded his head.

"Alright." He answered, "I'll have to call me mum."

"D'you think she'll be alright with it?" Grace was already aware of Danny's mother; he talked about her a lot more than any other family member; she hadn't known he had a sister until today.

"No." Danny said with a shrug. "But I wanna stay, so I'm gonna."

"Well you don't have to cause a fight over it, if she needs time to adapt to the idea." She put some chopped carrot in the bowl and started on some tomatoes.

"She were against me buying into the business. She were against me working there full time." Danny said, "Those were two of the best decisions I've ever made." He reassured them both, "I need to trust myself more."

_'My Brown Eyed Girl' by Van Morrison_

After hearing about the perfect date Phil had prepared for Rae, Finn had felt that he needed to make more of an effort to take Rae on dates and be more romantic. It's not that he didn't want to do those sorts of things, it's just that they always just ended up chilling in bed together. Which he loved and had no intention of ever stopping. But he wanted to add some romantic dates into the mix.

Bowling had been a fun date, and he wanted to keep having fun dates… but he had his eyes set on romancing his girl occasionally.

The problem was, he really had no idea how to do a romantic date.

He had meticulously planned the whole date; flowers, a horse and carriage to the cool new indy cinema that just opened to watch whatever movie she chose, a walk through town to a swank restaurant, a violinist to play 'wonderwall' to them at their table, then another stroll to Chop's house, only five minutes away for a pretty big party; both the school gang and the regular gang were invited. The party started at 9pm, and it was the last Friday of the short school holidays. They had literally done nothing but hang out together for the whole week; mostly naked.

It had been perfect.

As always they had alternated between houses, today they were at Rae's place.

He had been hinting all day that he had something planned for her, and he had popped out to the florist to pick up his order while she was getting ready. Now he waited in the kitchen, watching Aiesha crawling around and self-consciously brushing lint off his dressy denim jacket; the same one he'd worn to Linda and Karim's wedding. Linda bustled around, cleaning the kitchen, and Karim was at work.

"You look nice love." Linda barely looked at him, her eyes were more on Aiesha and her housework.

"Thanks Linda."

"Got plans then?" Linda asked and Finn couldn't help but give a satisfied half grin.

"We do." Finn's eyes followed Aiesha, and Linda looked up at him as he sat at the table.

"Nice flowers." She looked at the massive bouquet of flowers all in blue and purple colours, except for a few large, white and pink Oriental lilies, their beautiful scent filling the kitchen. "Didn't think you were a flower giving lad?" She hustled into the laundry and came back with a scrubbing brush.

"Usually not, but-"

"Got a special occasion?" She asked absent-mindedly.

"Not really. Just felt like being romantic with me girl." Linda stopped and scrutinised him for a moment.

"I'm really starting to like you far too much Finn." She told him, "You better not break her heart." He went back to scrubbing the side, "I'll still flay you alive even though I like you a fair bit." Finn's eyes opened wide in surprised.

"Understood."

"Good." Linda answered just as Aiesha tried to stand and fell down, bumping her head against the cupboard. She was silent for a moment, blinking and stupefied. Linda and Finn looking at her with open mouths, surprised at how hard the fall had been. And then she started to scream.

"Oh shit." Linda muttered; her hands were covered in cleaning chemicals.

"I got her. Finn said and picked her up, gently soothing her, Linda coming over to inspect the bump. Rae came down the stairs, wearing a yellow dress that was loosely fitted to her figure and black flat shoes; she still hadn't gotten into wearing heels, and she thought she probably never would. Finn, bouncing Aiesha looked over at her and paused, in awe of how stunning she was.

"I like that dress." He said to her. "You're so beautiful."

"You're pretty stunning too." She grinned and kissed Aiesha's head. "What's she crying at this time?"

"Bumped her head." Linda said and turned to Rae. "Alright, you were right, that was a good choice." Linda nodded to the dress.

And Aiesha threw up.

"Oh!" Finn said as the vomit went all over his jacket. "Shit." He chuckled. "No jacket it is." Linda had cleaned her hands and she came over and took Aiesha from him and started gently soothing her. He took off his jacket.

"She's vomiting a little lately." Linda said as an apology to Finn as he bundled the jacket up and threw it in the washing basket, "I think her ear's giving her trouble again." Linda told him as he came back into the kitchen. She rubbed Aiesha's head gently and gave Finn a look before taking her into the lounge room. Finn waited for the door to close before nodding to the table.

Rae had already spotted the flowers, and she could smell them long before she got anywhere near them.

"They're so beautiful." She put her nose closer to the bouquet; the smell was intoxicatingly perfect. Finn had had a very simple message written up in calligraphy for her: 'I will always love you Rae -Finn.' Rae looked at the folded card, a picture of a music stave on the front with the words 'you are the music of my life' written under it. She opened it to see the beautiful calligraphy in green ink; green was her favourite colour. Her face fell slightly and then she shook her head and chuckled.

"It's wonderful." She told him, but he had seen the expression she'd given the card moments earlier.

"What?" Finn asked but she just handed him the card. "Oh fuck." He groaned in disappointment. They had spelled her name 'R A Y'.

"It's still beautiful." She grinned. "And the message has still been received… unless you got a boyfriend you're not telling me about." She joked.

"Well I have been meaning to tell you about that…" He joked and gave a wry grin.

"Alright, I'm gonna put these in a vase in me room." She kissed him and grabbed a vase before heading upstairs.

Rae arranged the flowers and put the vase on the desk, the card she stuck on the edge of her mirror with the photos of the gang and her and Finn together. She looked in the mirror, at the way the yellow dress sat over her figure, the square neckline giving her a particularly decent amount of cleavage. She had left her hair in lose curls down her back, with simple makeup.

She paused.

Hesitated.

Rae took a deep breath and pulled out her red lipstick. She looked at herself in the mirror for a moment, feeling the thrill of daring.

She put it on, the red popping against her pale skin and dark hair. She spun away from her mirror confidently, not looking back and jutting her chin walked from her room.

Finn had seen her wear red lipstick before, but never in public.

"Stunning." He whispered and she smiled in response.

"So where are we go-"

"There's a bloody horse outside!" Linda called through to them and Finn winked at Rae before taking her hand, feeling a little too proud of her excited and confused face.

"Horse drawn cart?" She exclaimed as she threw open the door. Linda, still carrying Aiesha went out with them to look at the spectacle

"Bloody hell Finn." She shook her head, "Looks like you're in for it tonight pet." Linda told Rae before giving her a kiss on the cheek, "have a good time." She went back inside.

Finn looked up at the clouds gathering in the sky and narrowed his eyes. If he had any kind of luck at all those clouds wouldn't produce any rain; at least not until they got to Chop and Izzy's place.

The lady driving the carriage was stunningly beautiful; slender, perfect makeup, model good looks. Rae looked at her in her tight black pants and buttoned up shirt, her long blonde hair tumbling down her back in perfect curls and wondered how she got her hair to curl like that.

"I'm Sandra." She said softly, her eyes on Finn, not even looking at Rae. Rae shook her head, grinning to herself she got into the carriage, Finn following her. Rae took Finn's hand.

"I'm getting a suspicion that you're trying to romance me." Rae said with a crooked grin.

"And how am I going at that?" Finn put his fingertips to her cheek and they leaned in closer to talk privately.

"Well-" Rae began seductively.

"So what have you got planned for the night?" Sandra asked. Rae and Finn turned their heads to look at her as she jiggled the reigns to the horse and he started to slowly walk forward.

"Just having a bit of a surprise." Finn answered, not wanting to tell Rae everything that was coming. It's not like he was whisking her off to Paris like Rhys, or even off to Sutherland like he did last year… just dinner and a movie. But it was their dinner and a movie; he was going to make it romantic and wonderful for them. For her.

"Oh aye?" She asked and looked over her shoulder at him with a cheeky grin, "I bet you're good at giving a girl a nice big surprise." She looked Finn up and down with a lusty eye momentarily and turned back to the horse. Rae and Finn stared at the back of her head in surprised silence. They gave each other a stunned smirk, trying not to laugh, the expression they shared saying 'did she just blatantly reference your/my cock?'

"Aye he is." Rae answered, Finn widening his eyes at her as she tried to laugh silently. "So I've heard." She added, trying to sound forlorn. Finn's tongue went to his back teeth, and he shook his head at her.

"Oh don't worry pet." She glanced at Rae, "I'm sure you'll get a nice big surprise one day." She turned back to look at Finn and gave him a wink. Finn nearly scoffed, the only reason he didn't say something outright is because Rae seemed far too amused by the whole thing. He was pleased it wasn't hurting her self-esteem. He liked that she felt so sure of herself and him that she didn't worry about this woman being so off base and making such fat-phobic assumptions: that the fat girl didn't have the fit lad, even though they clearly where having a romantic horse drawn carriage ride together. Rae settled back into Finn's arms. While Finn was glad Rae was handling everything so well, he was getting tense; the clouds were looking very menacing.

"I'll be finishing up work at 9." She turned to Finn, "What are you doing at 9?"

"Going to a party." Finn answered coldly, tightening his arm around Rae as the driver turned back and flicked the reigns showily. Rae gave Finn a small wink.

"I wonder what I'll be doing at 9…" She lamented with a devilish grin.

"Oh, what kind of a party?" The driver asked, completely ignoring Rae.

"A mate's party." Finn watched Rae's face as she chuckled.

"Need company?" The driver asked.

"I've got company." Finn answered forcefully, a slightly grumpy expression coming over his face. Rae kissed his cheek and just kept on grinning for the entirety of the carriage ride.

By the time they got to the independent cinema Finn was fighting back a murderous mood and Rae was chucking, her red lips flashing alluringly. Finn narrowed his eyes at her.

"I want to violently fuck you." He whispered in her ear; his cranky mood and her attractiveness combining to produce this urge.

"Should we head home then? I'm sure the carriage driver would-"

"No!" Finn laughed, putting his hand on her lower back and leading her into the cinema. They strolled slowly, laughing and chatting freely, Finn's bad mood easing but his horniness staying as he found himself continuously checking her out. He also found other guys checking her out, along with the usual stares he himself got. She seemed wonderfully unaffected; confident, easy-going, focussed on their conversation and seemingly unaware of the attention she was garnering.

They stared at the movie times board in silence for a long time.

"I've never heard of any of these movies." Rae whispered to Finn with a giggly voice. It was quite obvious why she didn't know any of them; none of the titles were in English.

"The fuck…?" He knew an indy cinema would have lesser known movies in them, but he and Rae were pretty up to speed with this stuff so he figured they'd be alright. But he had definitely not expected this.

"Alright, well let's see the third one down." Rae turned to him with a grin.

"Rae…" He started in an apologetic voice.

"It'll have subtitles Finn!" She told him, "Don't worry." She put her hands on his face and gave him a quick kiss, "It's good to watch things you wouldn't normally go and see." Her grin was infectious.

"Alright." He conceded slowly, "I'll get us some popcorn, you get the tickets?"

"Alright." She kissed him again and snaked her way through the crowds, Finn watching her, sighing deeply at the way her body moved in that dress.

They walked towards the cinema, Rae's gently teasing good mood keeping Finn's spirits high even though everything seemed to be going wrong.

It seemed like most of the crowd was here to see one of the other two movies playing at this time, because their cinema was nearly empty. They sat away from the other people and talked quietly while they waited for the movie to start.

The first shot of the film showed a darkened forest, a brooding man walking along smoking; the colours stark and bleak. And then voiceover began. They both stared at the screen, waiting for the subtitles to begin too.

They didn't.

There were no subtitles. Finn rolled his eyes, frustrated. But Rae had to hold back a laugh.

"What language do you reckon that is?" Finn didn't reply, she looked at his upset face and took his hand, "German?" She asked with a grin.

"Maybe." He replied glumly.

"Austrian? Polish?"

"What does it matter?"

"I'm trying to get a feel for the movie, Finn." Rae told him with mock seriousness. "Is it German film noir? Or Polish melodrama?"

"Is there a big German film noir industry d'you think?" He asked, again taken by her good mood.

"I have no idea!" She chuckled. "But let's go with German film noir… I don't even really know what that is." She confessed whispering loudly. "I could tell the trees were mocking me… wishing they knew the secrets of my pain… the secrets only a man of my history could know… no one could ever understand…" Rae said in a deep voice, pretending to be the narrator. Finn started to chuckle as she continued, creating a story as she went.

He marvelled at how talented she was, how effortlessly she created a story. They went through the movie like this, Rae whispering the new story she was making up to him, and when dialogue was spoken they both filled it in; Finn playing the woman, Rae always playing the male narrator.

By the time the movie was over, Finn was completely over his upset at how badly everything was going; they were having a blast. They didn't need a fancy date to have a great time. Even so, he wanted to be able to take her on fancy, special dates, he needed to be able to get this right for her. She was so worth the effort and time that went into planning dates.

They strolled slowly through the town centre towards the Italian restaurant Finn had picked out for the night. Rae had been craving lasagne lately and this place had a reputation for being romantic.

They sat down in their booth, side by side, Finn's arm going around her shoulders, Rae taking in the restaurant. The couple in the next booth was also sitting side by side rather than opposite each other, and as she scanned the room they started to make out. Very passionately.

Finn noticed and looked over at Rae.

"I think he's trying to get his dinner from her stomach." Rae whispered to him as the kissing session went from intense to pornographic.

They ordered, they drank wine, they were merry. When the food came to the table Finn had given silent thanks; the food was actually good, they moved apart slightly to eat so that they could look at each other easier while talking. Rae noticed Finn glancing at his watch occasionally and figured that he had something else planned.

They had decided to share desert and sat close again, each with a spoon, enjoying the homemade gelato, when a violinist came to play for the couple at the next table. Rae looked over, surprised that she recognised the tune; 'wonderwall'

"Are you fucking serious?" Finn muttered angrily and she looked over at him, instantly realising that the violinist had been for them, for her. Finn leaned forward to call to the violinist when Rae stopped him.

"Leave him." Rae said and Finn turned back to her, confused. "This way, we get to hear the music without the awkwardness of a guy standing over us while we eat." She grinned and Finn grinned back gratefully.

"I love you." He stroked her hair gently, "You always see the good in everything." He marvelled.

"I never used to." Rae admitted. "But I been working real hard on that. And it's not so hard as you think it is to see all the good in tonight." She told him.

"But everything's gone wrong." Finn lamented.

"No it hasn't." She told him, her hands going to his face, she looked him in the eye, "It hasn't all gone wrong." Finn felt instantly calm; his agitation and frustration gone in an instant. She picked up her spoon and had a mouthful of gelato, "I've had a fucking amazing time."

They walked to Chop and Izzy's place hand in hand. And other than the incident where Finn stepped in dog shit, yelled at his shoes, the shit, the city council, and life itself before throwing his shoes away and then resolutely taking Rae's hand afterwards while she held in her laughter… it was entirely uneventful.

Except for when it rained.

"Don't ask." Finn told Chop when he opened the door to them. Finn was barefoot and shivering from having no jacket. Rae stood beside him, her hair bedraggled, her dress wet and clinging to her.

"We had an amazing date night." She told him.

As Finn and Rae said hello to everyone Chloe sat down next to Phil, whose eyes hadn't left Rae since she'd entered the room.

"Rae looks beautiful tonight." Chloe said pointedly and Phillip nodded without looking at her.

"Rae always looks beautiful."

"True." Chloe greed, "But-"

"Yes that yellow dress does accentuate…" The curves she had under that dress, curves that he knew only too well. "Her beauty." He finished softly. Chloe looked at Phil momentarily; the hunger in his eyes was deeper than ever. It was the hunger of a man who actually knew what he was missing out on now.

"Rae told Iz and me what happened." She wanted him to know that he could confide in someone if he needed to; he didn't need to hold it all in. His eyes closed for a minute and he looked down in thought before looking back up at Rae who was laughing with Izzy, Finn and Chop.

"All of it?" He asked tentatively.

"I think so." Chloe couldn't be sure, but she felt that it was all of it.

"Finn?" Phil wanted to know if she had told Finn.

"No." Chloe answered. Phillip nodded slowly.

"Finn thinks he's not ready to hear it," He said softly, "that he'll get jealous again, he worries that that part of him isn't completely gone." Phillip looked at her, "But it is gone. Even if he knew everything that happened, he'd be fine. He's stopped putting his ego above his own happiness." Chloe gave him a confused look, "You know that your own ego can kill your happiness, right? Like if you're jealous all the time. Or if you're like me; gotta be perfect at everything." He looked back at Rae, "He puts her happiness above his ego too. He's quite remarkable." Phillip sighed, "Bathroom break." He said as he saw Rae happily kiss Finn. He had noticed most people heading through the main bedroom to use the ensuite, but he headed through the laundry to use the powder room toilet instead. He closed the door behind him and took a deep breath.

"You're soaked!" Izzy said when she touched Rae's dress to admire the material. "This material is clothes dryer safe, go put it in the dryer for 10 minutes."

"Izzy I can't walk around without me dress on, can I?"

"Just stay in the laundry till it's done." Rae shrugged and turned to Finn.

"D'you want your shirt done?"

"If you don't mind." He handed her his beer and took his shirt off. His jeans were mostly dry, and he had no qualms with walking around topless for a bit. "D'you want me to come with?"

"Nah, it's alright. You stay here and be in a good mood." She kissed him again and headed to the laundry.

She went into the laundry, closing the door behind her, she stripped her dress off, felt her bra and decided it was dry enough to not take off and threw her dress and Finn's shirt in the dryer, putting it on for just a few minutes.

Phil's was awoken from his silent reverie by the sound of the dryer door closing. He sighed and opened, the door, expecting to see Izzy or Chop putting a quick load on. When he saw Rae in her underwear he looked away.

"Oh god, sorry." He closed his eyes, facing the wall and silently took another deep breath.

"It's alright." Rae had been surprised to see the door open, but when it was Phil, all her worries left her, "It's not like you haven't seen it before." She shrugged. Phil turned his eyes back to her face.

"Quite true." He whispered and reached back into the powder room grabbing the hand towel. "For your hair."

"Thanks." She dried her hair, "Spent ages curling me hair." She chuckled. "Now I look like a drowned poodle.

"No, you look stunning." Phil replied, "As always… but bright colours do seem to…" He shook his head and looked away, "I should probably go."

"How are you?" She asked before he had time to move, "Really?" He looked into her eyes for a few moments before clearing his throat.

"How are you when you manage to forget all the pain and longing between us?" She considered this for a moment.

"I suppose I'm great. Happy… confident."

"That's how I am." His voice was soft but steady.

"Phil." She said, matching his softness, "But how often do you not think about… us… me?"

"Ah well that's private Rae." Phil bit his bottom lip for a moment.

"I'm sorry." She lowered her eyes and turned back to the dryer.

"No Rae, I'm sorry." He touched her arm, wanting her to turn back to him, and she did. "I just don't want you to worry about me." He said. "Cos if I'm honest…" He couldn't tell her that she rarely left his thoughts. There was a moment of silence, both of them understanding what he couldn't say. "I'm fine." He smiled beautifully, his face a picture of masked emotions, but his eyes betraying him; they still showed his longing for her.

"I wish you were." Rae answered. He nodded.

"How are you?" He deflected her concerns.

"The same." She answered and he nodded his head.

"Nothing and everything has changed." He smiled grimly, "now that's some fucked up poor boy poetry right there." They chuckled, but their eyes were locked together again.

"How were your holidays?" Rae asked.

"Alright. Got myself a few lovers, so that's good." Rae felt an odd twist in her stomach and made herself nod.

"As long as you're taking care of yourself." She said sadly and he nodded.

"I am." His eyes never left hers, "I know how wrong it is to not take no for an answer… so I'm trying Rae." His eyes dropped to her lips at the same moment hers dropped to his. "I still… and I always will…" He didn't want to say the words, "But I'm moving on with my life… for you… and for me." Rae nodded bracingly and gave him a supportive smile that felt dead on her lips.

"Are they… nice? Your lovers are they nice?"

"Depends on what you mean by nice…." Phillip answered, "But I don't want them to be the kind of nice you're probably thinking of… I don't want nice girls that'll get broken hearted by my emotional unavailability. I want selfish women, who take what they want, and use me for sex. They're nice in their own way."

"That sounds… kinda harsh…" Rae scrunched her eyebrows in concern but Phil shrugged. The dryer stopped, but she ignored it for a moment.

"I suppose it is." He answered nonchalantly, "But it's better than making you uncomfortable… mooning after you all the time…"

"I don't mind." Rae whispered sadly, "It don't make me uncomfortable." Phil felt the ache he'd been working so hard to bring down to a manageable level burst into life; flaring like a firework through his whole body. Whenever he ached like this his hands seemed to move before his mind stopped them, and he seemed to find himself touching her face, like he was now. He didn't like how he seemed to forget to control himself when he ached for her like this.

"Rae…" He barely breathed the word, the heat between them was killing him. "I can't keep doing this."

"I know…" She lowered her eyes, "I'm sorry." She furrowed her brows, "I keep doing this to you and it's not fair." She raised her eyes to him, "I just can't stand the thought of you not loving me and it's so fucking selfish…" She shook her head, clearly disgusted with herself, "And I know you should… I know you should move on… and stop loving me. I know it's what's best for you. And I so badly want you to be happy… but…" His other hand came to her face.

"Rae I'm never gonna stop loving you. I meant it when I said that." He stroked her hair and resigned himself to the growing chasm in his chest, "I've actually loved quite a bit in my life. I like to let love in, cos I think of love as a blessing…"

"Not this love but."

"Yes this love." Phil answered instantly, "Especially this love." His thumb caressed her cheek, "I've felt love wax and wane and understood that love sometimes does that. But not this love. It's constant. It will never leave me. I know that. It's a part of me now. And you telling me that it would be better to stop loving you is kinda like telling me that it'd be better to cut my leg off and bleed out than deal with a painful gash on my thigh that'll never heal."

"Love shouldn't be a painful gash that'll never heal." Rae answered in a sad tone.

"It wouldn't be if-" He stopped himself, but they both knew what had been coming in that sentence. He looked away and made himself drop his hands from her face. "So these lovers I've taken, are wonderful women, who are stopping infection from getting in the wound." He continued with the metaphor and Rae nodded her head in a small movement, unable to understand how much this hurt when just a few moments earlier she had been so happy with Finn. She had been so right to choose Finn. But it felt so wrong to not choose Phil.

"I want you to find happiness." Rae said firmly and he nodded.

"I will find some sort of happiness Rae, don't worry." He opened the dryer and took her dress out. "And are you happy?"

"I am when I'm with Finn." She said, "But…" She shook her head, "You don't need to hear this stuff. It doesn't help you."

"I thought you said communication was important? And when Finn came to see me, he told me that communication was very important too, and I agree with both of you. So you just say what you gotta say."

"Alright." She looked down and took a deep breath, "I'm miserable when I think about you." She couldn't look at him, "it's like I have two personalities. One of them is so happy with Finn… and the other one is so miserable without you." She swallowed and looked up at him, "But I've made my choice, so…" She shrugged.

"I'm gonna say something, but I don't want you to think it's just about me wanting to be with you, alright?" She nodded, "Alright." He paused, thinking through what he was going to say, "It's alright for you to change your mind Rae. With any decision you make." He gave her a small reassuring smile, "You know, maybe you've got more information now, or things have changed, or you feel differently, or the decision you made didn't go to plan… whatever the reason, it doesn't make you a bad or weak person to change your mind, sometimes it's much stronger to change-"

"Cos you have to admit that the first decision you made was wrong." Rae said.

"It might not have been wrong. You might just decide that you prefer another option… that might be more right than the other decision. Like you might have decided to have a banana, which is a great choice, cos bananas are fucking delicious, right?" She nodded, "But then you remember that there's banana splits and that a banana split might be much nicer."

"Well you can't go past something that's got ice cream." Rae gave a small smile.

"Exactly." Phil chuckled. "Neither choice was wrong… one's just a little better."

"A lot better Phil!" Rae corrected with another small chuckle.

"Alright!" He agreed with a smile, "The point is; just cos you've made up your mind, it doesn't mean you can't change it if that's the right thing to do for yourself." He put his hand on her cheek again, "Especially with me." He stroked her cheek, "You say the word Rae and I will come running."

"What if you're in another country?"

"I'll be running so fast, my feet'll barely touch the surface of the ocean between us." They stared at each other silently, both slightly leaning in, their lips parting. "You better put some clothes on." He handed her the dress and she looked down at it momentarily before looking back at him. "There's a party going on out there." He grinned but her eyes stayed transfixed on his.

"What if we're a hundred years old?"

"I'll still come running."

"What if you're married?"

"I'll never get married Rae… unless…" His eyes lingered on her face for a moment before he looked back at the dryer and took Finn's shirt out. "But we both know that won't happen." He shrugged.

"What if-"

"Rae, the answer's always gonna be I'll come running." Rae looked down at her dress again and put it on thoughtfully. "You want me to get the zip?" He asked.

"I can do it." She answered and then looked at him, "But it'd be easier if you…"

"Alright." She turned around and he had to stop himself from putting his hands on her body. He zipped the dress up, gently moving her hair aside as he got higher. "You chose very well with this dress." He told her as she turned back to him. "And the lipstick…" He bit his bottom lip and looked at her still red lips; she'd done a touch up at the restaurant because she decided that if she was going to bother wearing makeup she was going to look good the whole night in it.

"I can't believe you did it again." Rae said softly. "You just dressed me when you could have kissed me."

"Like you said," He barely made a noise as he pulled her into a warm hug, "You made a choice Rae. And it's the right choice for you. It might not always be the right choice, but it is now. So we're mates." He let go of her, "And mates don't kiss the way I wanna kiss you." They shared one last look before he opened the door and headed back out, Rae waited for a moment to get herself together before she too left the laundry. She went over to Finn, who was talking to Rhys and Chloe, and handed him his shirt.

"Much better.' He grinned at her, a beer having lightened his mood after throwing out a good pair of shoes, "Thanks." He kissed her and she wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Thanks for tonight." She felt the sorrow over Phil leaving her as the warmth and love of Finn filled her again.

"I'll do a better job next time." He kissed her temple.

"What are you talking about? It were perfect."

"How'd it go?" Chloe asked and Finn and Rae gave each other a look.

Chop watched them laughing and joking, his mind ticking over what he'd just seen; Rae and Phil leaving the laundry room together. He scrunched up his face and knew he should probably keep out of it; Finn seemed fine… but it just stank to him. His mind was quickly taken off the topic by Woody shambling over to him to have a chat.

Phil went and sat with James and Bethany, who was studiously ignoring Macca, who was trying to figure out how to get her attention while pretending to hear the conversation he was supposed to be in with Bryn and Izzy. After a few moments Phil started to notice how much James looked over at Rae and Finn.

"Oh fuck." He muttered silently to himself, "She's got another one."

_'Walking After You' by Foo Fighters_

"Why is it so hard to understand that Finn don't care Chop?" Izzy was tired of hearing about this topic.

"Cos it's his girl, and some other guy might have had his dick in her." And Chop was tired of having to explain why it was an actual issue.

"She's not just a vagina chop!"

"I'm not saying that!"

"Then what are you saying exactly?" Her eyes were wide with anger, but Chop had gotten used to that now, he wouldn't back down.

"That I'd never let you-"

"Let me?" Her voice was soft, accusatory, and laced with the erupting rage that was about to come, "Who the hell are you to tell me what I can and can't do?" Her voice reached a volume in her anger that it never had before, she advanced on him, outraged. "You don't let me do things chop, I choose what to do, when I want, where I want, how I want!" She yelled, "And if I wanted to fuck Phil it wouldn't be up to you to say otherwise!" She asserted, pointing her finger at him aggressively. Chop knew he had to calm things down as quickly as possible.

"But you wouldn't do that baby girl." He reasoned, "You respect us and yourself more than that." There was a moment of silence in which Chop thought he'd said the right thing, before the look on her face made it painfully obvious that he had said the complete wrong thing.

"Who I do or don't fuck has nothing to do with my levels of respect for you, for me, or for us." Her voice was almost calm, but the fury underneath her words was unmistakeable, "unless you define a relationship as inherently and most importantly sexual… unless you define me as a body and not a person."

"That's not what I'm trying to say!" Chop suddenly felt incredibly out of his depth. Again.

"Chop, if you don't think of me as just a body, then why does it matter if someone else were to touch me?"

"Cos I wanna be the only one to do it." He explained; that was extremely obvious to him.

"So it's about you, and what you want… you want my body to be yours, to be your toy? A toy that only you get to play with." Her icy anger was far more terrifying to Chop than her fiery anger, "That's not the way it works Chop. My body belongs to me, and anyone I choose can touch it."

"I know…" He said hesitantly, "I don't want anyone else to touch me but you…" He tried to make it better, tried to make her understand that that's what happened in a relationship.

"Well that's your choice." Izzy snapped back.

"But it's more special if we only touch each other."

"According to who?"

"According to me!"

"So again, it's back to being about you and what you want." Izzy replied shaking her head.

"But I don't understand how you'd think differently!" Chop almost pleaded, "Sex is special and-"

"Yes it is." Izzy answered, "And you're saying that it becomes less special the more you've had it?" She said, "So since, according to you, I'm the fifth girl you've fucked… does that make it less special for you?"

"No!"

"And since we've done it so much, does that mean the fuck we had this morning was less special than the first fuck we had?"

"No…" Chop furrowed his brows, "But the first time was special…"

"Yeah." She nodded her head sarcastically, "On the lounge, with a crime show on, worried one of your brothers was gonna walk in. Real special."

"Izzy, I thought…" Chop felt deeply hurt.

"What? That cos I love you, that every time you put your cock in me I'm s'posed to feel privileged?"

"No… it's just…"

"Then what exactly did you think?" She asked in a short tone that made him feel deeply wounded again.

"It were your first time. I though it were special." He lowered his eyes.

"Yeah it were me first time." She retorted, "And you did absolutely nothing to make it special." He looked up at her, struck by how right her words were. "The first time you made me cum, at the coast, when I were sick with cancer… that was the most special sex we've had. Cos you actually put some fucking effort in for the first time, rather than just mounting me like a dog in heat." Izzy was surprised at the venom in her own words.

"I'm sorry." He whispered the words, deeply disturbed by what she had said; she was so right. Izzy, who everyone believed had never had a bad thought about anything, had been holding onto some extremely negative thoughts and feelings.

"But our relationship Chop, is more than sex. If it weren't I would o' left you after the first few times we fucked." She told him, "I see you as more than just a glorified cock, which is lucky for you, cos you weren't doing your job at the beginning, were you?" She asked snarkily, "I see us as more than fucking. So I stayed, because I love you Chop. I love you. Not your cock. Not fucking."

"I know…" He answered, "I love you too…"

"Right… so you say." She answered disbelievingly, "But what if I wanted to fuck Phil?" Chop's face scrunched up, "Would that be the condition in which you stop loving me?" Chop sat down on the lounge with a thud.

"I…" He didn't know how to answer.

"So what does it take to make you stop loving me?" She asked.

"Are you saying you wanna fuck Phil too?"

"NO!" She roared, angry at how much he'd missed the point. "But what if I did?"

"Well I'm not ok with that!" He answered back angrily, "Alright? I'm not fucking Finn or Rhys… that's not what I do!"

"But would you stop loving me?" Chop paused in his indignation for a moment.

"I don't…" He shook his head.

"Is your love conditional Chop?" She asked him bluntly, "The thing is… I know you don't wanna fuck around. And I've got your back. But do you have mine?" She asked, "If I did have these feelings these urges, like Rae… would you have my back? Or would you cast me aside? How conditional is your love?"

"So you're saying if I wanna prove that I love you I gotta roll over like a puppy and let you fuck whoever you want?"

"Fucking hell Chop!" She yelled, "That's not the fucking point! I already said that I know you're not ok with that, and that I've got your back! Don't you trust me? And it's not up to you to let me do anything!" She reiterated angrily. "The point is, I feel like, that if I were having confused emotions, I couldn't talk to you about it." She said, "And you're my partner, you're the one I'm supposed to be sharing my life with. And I feel like I'd have to shut parts of myself off from you if they didn't meet your approval!" Her voice was getting tired from yelling, but she would not relent, "Rae didn't deliberately get feelings for Phil. But Finn's got her back! Even if it's hard work for him, he's right there with her; she can tell him anything. He's flexible and adaptable and they are gonna last a lifetime cos they got an honest communication that we can't even dream of cos I know…" She lost steam as she realised how much this hurt her, "I know there's things you'd stop loving me for even if I just talked to you about 'em." She shook her head, "This isn't me saying that I wanna fuck Phil or anyone else. This isn't me saying that I want what Rae or Chloe have… this is me saying that if I ever did feel something for someone else, I could never admit it to you, cos you'd leave me. You'd see it as a betrayal that I even noticed other boys existed." She sat down on the lounge, exhausted, "You'd leave me for something I've got no control over. Cos you can't choose who you love Chop." She shook her head, "But you can choose what you do about how you feel. And I'd wanna be able to come to you and talk it through with you if I ever had feelings for someone else." She wiped away a tear, "You look at Rae as cheating… I look at it as proof that they can work their way through anything… that they really do have a whole lifetime ahead of them cos they can come to each other for anything They've got each other's back in a way that you don't have mine. And you're judging them as lesser than you. Cos it's somehow less pure… or less special that Rae and Phil…" She shook her head, her emotion getting the better of her.

"I'm not judging them… I just don't really understand why Finn isn't enough for her."

"That's all you've got to say after everything I've said?" Izzy asked, utterly bewildered by him. "Right." She got up and went into the bedroom, taking down her suitcase she started to put clothes in it. Chop followed her, his heart dropping.

"Izzy please." He begged, "I'm trying to understand…" He stuttered over his words, tears coming into his eyes, but Izzy didn't respond. Her silence was killing him. "Come on baby girl… we're s'posed to be forever. I love you." But she said nothing. She just cried and packed. "Ok fine!" Chop said, "If you wanna fuck other guys, fine!" He snapped, "Is that what it'll take?"

"That's not what it's about!" She yelled at him, her voice cracking from her pitch, volume and the depth of her emotion. They stared at each other, both breathing heavily. "After everything I've said, all you see is the possibility of someone else getting my cunt." She said bitterly and turned away.

"Alright I don't understand." He admitted frantically, "I-"

"I am not your property, and I am not a prop for your male ego!" She snapped at him. "I'm talking to you about communication and trust and supporting each other, even through difficult things, these things literally have nothing to do with fucking other people… and you're more worried about me cunt."

"But we are talking about fucking other people…" Chop said confused.

"No we're not, I'm using it as an example." Izzy rolled her eyes.

"Oh right… so what else does this conversation apply to then?" He asked sarcastically.

"I don't wanna stay in Stamford." She said the words forcefully. She'd been afraid of saying these words to him; he loved Stamford, he had his business… he had no intention of ever leaving.

"Well I know we've gotta travel…" His brows furrowed, the look of betrayal in the back of his eyes was getting to Izzy; Chop had always assumed she'd want to stay here with him and raise his brood of kids.

"No Chop…" She whispered, "I don't wanna live here." He sat on the bed, his eyes downcast.

"Is that what this is about?"

"Yeah." She answered, "Every relationship has got its struggle I s'pose." She said. "Ours was never gonna be other guys Chop; I can barely manage you. You're so much bloody work." He scoffed softly, not sure how he felt.

"Well this is an issue baby girl." He muttered, "Cos I really don't wanna leave."

"I know." She answered miserably.

"I thought…" He turned to her, "I thought you wanted to settle down here?"

"Maybe when I'm 70." She shrugged, "If I make it to 70." Chop's face scrunched up at that thought and he took her roughly into his arms. "I've known for months that I didn't wanna stay… but I haven't been able to say anything to you cos…" Chop nodded, understanding.

"We'll figure this out." He mumbled to her, "It's alright."

_'The Glengarry Gathering' composed by Angus MacKay_

Kenzie folded the laundry and headed up the stairs. Nothing had been decided about her living arrangements, but she was on leave without pay from her job and was looking in Stamford for work. She didn't know if she should stay in London or not. Gary seemed to be incredibly indecisive. He was extremely sure he wanted her around, but when it came to her moving to Stamford permanently there seemed to be some sort of block; he just stopped planning and talking about it. She couldn't blame him for being reticent. She was unsure about how to move forward too. But what she did know was that she wasn't going to let anything take her away from Finn again. The damage she had done was breathtakingly bad and she would never forgive herself for the absolute absurdness of the situation that had kept her away from her boy for so long. She wondered if she and Gary had grown too comfortable in their misery and that was part of why they'd both left it so long. They had both been waiting for the other to make the first move; what foolishness. What foolishness that their son had paid for. She felt that deeply and her anxiety had taken a few notches up since she'd come back to Stamford. But she was determined to not let her mental illness take everything from her again. This time it wouldn't win.

She headed up the stairs, with a basket full of Finn and Rae's clothes neatly folded. She could hear the guitar wafting down to her. She made herself pause at the top of the stairs. Something she had decided to do to let her mind catch up with her so she didn't do foolish things like barge in on her 18 year old son and his girlfriend.

She took a deep steadying breath.

And then another.

And proceeded down the hall to knock on his door.

"Yeah?" He called and she tired the handle; the door was unlocked.

"Just bringing up your laundry." Finn was sitting on the bed in his boxers, Rae was at his desk in a huge oversized shirt, looking stressed about her homework. Finn had been playing soothing music to her.

"You don't have to do it mum." Finn said. "Rae does it." He and Rae had an arrangement; she did it at his place and he did it at hers. It kept both sets of parents impressed with how much they were looking after each other, because both assumed that they were doing it all the time, rather than half of the time.

"I know she does." Kenzie said giving him a slightly unimpressed look, "And it's not her job to be picking up after ye." Rae looked back at him and they shared a glance.

"I do it at her place." Finn added with a wry grin.

"Oh do ye? Where you mother cannae see it?" She was unimpressed, "Torr caca, ná chuala mi a-riamh."

"Ma…" Finn groaned.

"Ye know the rules. Translate for ye lass." Rae was glad for the interruption to the homework she was doing and turned to look at Finn with an expectant expression.

"Ah she says it sound like bollocks to her." Finn said to Rae.

"He does do it at my place." Rae said to Kenzie and Kenzie nodded.

"Snog a chluintinn na diomhain e, mo mhac-sa." Kenzie replied.

"She's glad I'm not a lazy bastard." Finn sighed.

"Your Gaelic's getting better." Rae said with a grin.

"Aye but it's fucking hard!"

"Watch your fooking geggy you numpty!"

"Oi!" Finn laughed, "You cannae just start in on Scottich vernacular you gotta choose Gaelic or-"

"Quit your havering!" She shot back. Rae was beginning to enjoy Kenzie a little more. After the walking-in-on-sex incident she'd seemed to accept that Finn wasn't a child anymore and was behaving a lot better. They still had their moments, but everyone could see that progress was being made now.

"Aye, oh I see you got a Scottish accent again now!"

"Aye, refusing to bend the knee to the English." She answered, "The MacKay clan fought with William Wallace d'ye no ken?"

"Did we?" Finn asked with a grin.

"We did a lot o' things." She told him, "Chan iongadh orm a bheil bua an chiúil agod-sa. Ruithean anns an fhuil é…" She finished in English

"Aye?" Finn asked, intrigued and then turned to Rae, "She says music's in me family tree."

"She said an awful lot for that little sentence you came out with…" Rae said giving Kenzie a grin.

"Well, I might paraphrasing… cos I don't right now everything she said." He grimaced, knowing that his mother would start to get stricter on this lessons now, and now that they had started up Shakespeare for English he really didn't know how he was going to cope with his workload. "So… Who's me ancestor that played guitar?" Finn asked his mother.

"Thá fios is cinnit gur sár-chomas an chiul ag Angus Mc Aoidh. Tar-sgríobh e piobrachd a shéinn na piobairan. Cuideachta, sgríobh e a phiobrachd bhinn féin. Ba a' chiad phiobaire do ridh e. 'S eigeann dom a chiul am fail dhuit…" Her voice trailed off at the end, as if making a note to herself. Rae looked at Finn, but his eyes were narrowed in thought.

"Um…" He thought, "Um… I think we're getting some bagpipe music." Kenzie repeated herself slowly and carefully and Finn plopped back on his bed in thought, his guitar laid across his stomach, his fingers still on the fret, fingering out chords as he thought. "Angus MacKay is a musical genius… who wrote a bunch of bagpipe music?" He shook his head and looked up at his mum who repeated herself. "And…" He shook his head again. "A dinnae ken." He tried and saw the grin on her face when he used Scottish vernacular for 'I don't know.'

"He wrote it down for the first time." She said and Finn went over the words in his head, "And he was the first ever piper to the sovereign, in the 1800s."

"Oi did you say a date afore?"

"Naw." She shook her head.

"Stop fooking confusing me!" He muttered, "A dh'aona -ghnothach, a' bheil thu ag iarraidh e seo a bith cruaidh?"

"Math thu." Kenzie approved of his Gaelic and nodded at Rae so Finn translated.

"I asked her if she were deliberately making it hard on me." He grinned enjoying his slow mastering of this language.

"Mar tha fios'ad is seanchlann na Mac Aoidh le stair agus dualchas saidhbhir. Throid airson neo-eisimileachd na h-Alba. Bha clan Mac Aoidh suidhicthe i gCaisteal Bharriach ach a-nis tha an traith i dTaigh Tunga. An-duigh is e Aaron Mac Aoidh an traith, co-ogha leam-sa." Her tone was informative and immutable, "Is ball an chlainn thu tha dualgais ort a bith aithnich, duine feadhainn is Mac Aoidh iadsan in ainm a-mháin." She paused for emphasis, "Ach thá an fhuil ceunda ainnainn ná a tha sa traith." Finn nodded slowly, taking it in as if it were extremely important.

"Mum's cousins with the current Chief of the clan." Finn told Rae with a surprised grin. "So we're actually members of the clan, not just people with the last name… Is that why you took your last name back?" He suddenly understood and she nodded, "Cos as a woman, you lose your clan when you marry… you join the new clan."

"Aye, but I married an English man." She widened her eyes at the scandal and grinned. "Lucky we live in the modern world and the clan system isn't quite so strict as it used to be!" She laughed. "Tell ye bonne quine the rest." She nodded at Rae.

"Bonnie quine?" Rae asked. She knew what bonnie meant, but quine…

"Beautiful girl." Finn said with a grin and without pause for Rae to take in what Kenzie had called her, started to translate, "Um… Well our clan is very old." Finn said and Kenzie was glad to hear him referring to the Mackay clan, Mac Aoidh in Gaelic, as their clan, "We fought for independence against England." He was clearly struggling so Kenzie helped him slowly to decipher all the words, so that Finn could tell her that the MacKay's ancient seat of power was at Varrich Castle but the current chieftain of the clan, Aaron MacKay, lived at tongue House. "It's important for me to know this stuff, cos a lot o' people just have the last name, but they're not actually a member o;' the clan." Finn said, "But I think both of us are." Kenzie grimaced slightly.

"Well the rules aren't so strict as they used to be." She smiled, "Mr Nelson." She added, making her meaning clear.

"Oh Right." He understood,

"You do have the blood, if not the name." She said.

"Am bheil thu am buntanas ri Aaron?" Finn asked and Kenzie turned her eyes to Rae.

"He asked if I am still in contact with my cousin, the current chief of our clan." She told Rae, "Aye of course." She answered.

"Am fhoad leam tachairt leis?" Finn's voice sounded more confident than he was; he still wasn't sure he was getting the language.

"He wants to know if he can meet him." Kenzie translated, "Aye, we'll go up to Sutherland to our lands, and ye can meet your patriarch."

"Beidh se taitneanach." Finn wanted to say that it would be exciting, but didn't know it Gaelic had a word for exciting, so went with enjoyable.

"It's not nearly as enjoyable as you think it'll be." She laughed. "He's just a man like any other man." She told tehm, "Awrite, I've delayed ye enough. Back to it." She nodded at Rae's homework, "Leisgean, thusa cho mhath." She grinned at Finn and left, closing the door behind her. Rae looked at Finn expectantly, having a good idea of what Kenzie had said.

"Aye, she told me to get on with me homework." He grinned and Rae noticed that he always sounded a little more Scottish after these lessons.

She didn't mind one bit.

_'Can't Take My Eyes Off You' by Manic Street Preachers_

"Furred pack!" Rae and Finn were giggling, Phil was sitting next to Rae and he rolled his eyes, trying to be the sensible one. Next to him was Bethany, and next to Finn on the other side was James.

"It's not that funny." Phil said as Bethany laughed loudly.

"How about you bring your three inch fool to my furred pack for some horsemanship." Bethany laughed and Mrs Vines grinned.

"The point is, Shakespeare would have never been popular if he hadn't been telling the most vulgar jokes, and often at very inappropriate times." She told her class, "Don't imagine Shakespeare to be a dry old fuddy duddy. His language is rich and layered and filled with meaning… and it's also extremely bawdy." She turned to Bethany. "So what Bethany said isn't actually in any Shakespearean play, for those that haven't figured it out, what is it you just said?" Mrs Vines had set them the task of finding dirty language in various Shakespearean snippets. Bethany paused, not sure that Mrs Vines meant it.

"I said um… how about you bring your penis over to my vagina for some sex." The class laughed.

"I don't fucking know about three inches!" One of the lads on the other side of the room said loudly and the lads all laughed loudly, even Finn enjoying the general banter. The girls all gave each other joking looks of scepticism.

"Aye but Macca's not here." Another replied to Bethany, he was from their PE class, and a few of them had heard Macca, Finn and Phil talking now; it had spread like wildfire, the curse of liking fat girls was infectious and Finn was the vector. Finn didn't care one bit; he was glad to be spreading that. Interestingly, the lad's bad attitude had lasted exactly 20 minutes before somehow, the lads had just decided it really didn't matter, and Macca was now receiving the same ribbing and teasing he would have gotten if Bethany was like any other girl that the lads generally talked about. Finn and Phil had ended up having a pretty long discussion about it in the showers, wondering if this heralded and actual change in men's perceptions of women's bodies. Finn had realised that Phil was super smart and knew a whole lot more about the kinds of things that he'd normally hear Rhys talking about than he did. He'd made a point of introducing Phil and Rhys at the party last Friday at Chop and Izzy's place, and had seem them deep in conversation. Part way during the conversation, Chloe, feeling particularly devilish had come over and kissed Rhys, looked at Phil and then proceeded to tell Rhys that this was the Phil she'd messed around with. Rhys had nodded and returned her kiss before she had walked away. And then he'd continued talking to Phil as if Chloe hadn't just told him about their tryst. It had been quite freeing for Phil to see that Rhys actually didn't care, and that meant that when Finn suggested that he have occasional boxing session with Rhys too, Phil had agreed eagerly.

But now he sat next to Rae, always next to Rae, with Finn always on the other side. And they were talking about Shakespearean sex jokes.

"So when we understand that death and dying was often a euphemism for orgasm, and that scholars are pretty sure that sheath, is a Latin based pun on vagina. What do guys make of Juliet saying…?" Mrs Vines looked down at her notes, "'Oh happy dagger! This is thy sheath, there rust, and let me die.' Whilst she stabs herself?"

"It says that old Willy was a dirty bugger!" James joked and everyone laughed.

"Exactly!" Mrs Vines replied. "As we embark upon this journey of comparative Shakespeare, I want you to keep in mind that there's a lot more going on in his texts than you have been led to believe." She answered, "We'll be comparing 5 texts, 3 sonnets and 2 Shakespearean works of your own choice for this unit of work. It's going to have a very heavy reading load, so you better choose your individual pieces quickly. Because I want a thousand words on both of these two pieces, that's 2000 total, on my desk by the end of the week, telling me why you chose them." It was Tuesday. Finn groaned and Rae gave him a supportive smile. Phil had already read the syllabus and was aware of what the assignments were, had already picked his two pieces to study alongside the other eight, and had already written up an outline of his assignment. Phil had already joked several times that year that the real key to his success was planning, and reading the damn syllabus. Bethany was similar in that regard, but only for her sciences and maths. She wasn't one for English or the arts. She appreciated them, and wanted to do well, but she put all her energy into the subjects she loved, scraping in with passes in advanced English. She had thought of dropping down to normal English, but in the end the syllabus for advanced had been too interesting, even if she was going to only scrape through it.

"Now as a class we get to choose which plays and sonnets, so I'm going to give you a chance to read through the notes, then we're going to do a vote, where you get to put the name of one play and one sonnet in a box, a we'll see what wins." Mrs Vines looked at her watch, "I'll give you 20 minutes to-" The loud speaker cracked to life and a heavily panting breath could be heard. They all looked up at the roof, as people did when a loud speaker was making noise. The person who had turned it on was obviously puffed out and had no idea how to use it; so they instantly all knew it was a prank, and someone had gotten into the office by climbing two stories up the outside wall. It had been done before, and everyone in the class grinned at each other. Mrs Vines leaned back on her table, crossing her arms and shaking her head, a wry grin on her face.

"Bethany Jane Monroe." There was a stunned silence in the room as suddenly over twenty sets of eyes turned to Bethany. "I had a whole fucking speech writ down, but I dropped it climbing up the wall to get in here. So I'll just have to go with…" There was a silence while he figured out what he was going to say. "You said you was winnowing girl. Well how's this for winnowing: Andrew James McAdams wants to date you, girl." There were some gleeful scoffs and gasps, and Bethany put a hand to her mouth stunned at his sheer audacity. "So if you're up for it, we can have a chat after I get the yelling at I'm about to get, and you can tell me to bugger off or to hang around; whatever you want, but I know I'd prefer to hang around… Cos I like you Bethany. I like everything about you. Especially the part of you that made me have to do this crazy fucking thing." He chuckled. "So yeah. Let me know what you think…" The sound of the door to the principal's office finally being opened was heard over the loud speaker. "See you round!" The loud speaker clicked off and Bethany, who had still been looking at the ceiling looked around the room.

"What are you gonna say?" One of the girls on the other side of the room said.

"We're not gonna put any more pressure on Bethany right now." Mrs Vines immediately intervened. "Public declarations of like, love, intent, or public proposals… they put a lot of pressure on the person receiving them to say yes, or the audience will possibly perceive them in a negative light. But I want you all to know, that Bethany has every right to say yes or no, as she sees fit. It sounded like Andrew understands that, and I hope you all do and act accordingly." She said sternly, "And if it ever happens to you, please remember that you have the right to answer as you want, not as the audience wants you to answer."

Rae looked around Phillip to Bethany and gave her a supportive smile while Mrs Vines reminded them to get to deciding what to vote for.

Lunch came and went with no sign of Macca.

Bethany was leaving school at the end of the day, the school gang walking along with her, all of them laughing and joking, Bethany quieter than usual. She was waiting for Macca to show up, and tired of everyone asking her what she had said to Macca; her answer was always 'nothing yet.'

They were at the car park, chatting and saying their farewells when he appeared, jogging up with a slight grin on his face. Rae and Finn looked over at them, while Chloe quickly filled in Rhys, who was making his job to come and get her after school each day because Ian knew where she went to school. Izzy grinned and grabbed James and Bryn's hands excitedly. Woody lit up a smoke and sat on the hood of his car while Philip shoved his hands in his pockets and tried not to look.

Bethany separated from the group slightly.

"Hey." Macca said as he approached.

"So that's how you winnow in the McAdams household hey?" Bethany asked and Macca gave a shrug.

"I do what I gotta do." He kept his eyes on her face, unaware that he was holding his breath, waiting for her answer.

"What'd you get for it?"

"Massive lecture, parents called and usual level of fatherly disappointment. But me mum's invited you to dinner this Saturday…" He shrugged, "And detentions on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons for the rest of the year, which fucks up football if I can't change the day of it." He shrugged again, "I gotta go back in in five minutes to do me detention… but it were totally worth it."

"I haven't given you an answer yet!" She laughed.

"Yeah but you're smiling." He answered, "It was worth it for that alone."

"That's a very romantic notion." She tried to sound cynical, but his grin was too infectious.

"Did I do good?" He asked with a slightly pleased, slightly cocky grin. Bethany nodded slowly.

"Yeah you did good." She conceded and tried not to let her grin look too happy; there were a lot of people watching them. "You know you did." He nodded freely and then cleared his throat.

"So…?' He shuffled his feet, nervous about asking her to her face, "How about it?" He held out a hand to her, "Did the winnowing show me off as chaff or grain?"

"You really like to run with a metaphor don't you?"

"When it's an apt one." He grinned, "Cos anyone who's not willing to publically own his own feelings is rubbish… he should be thrown away like chaff." He saw her eyes drop to his outstretched hand, "Anyone who wouldn't be fucking proud to have you hold his hand, don't deserve you." He nodded, "and you know that… that's why you tested what kind o' lad I am. That were the point you were making. I heard you." Bethany looked up at his face. "It took me a moment, but I understand." She nodded and took his hand. She closed her eyes in disbelieve and cynicism as actual applause broke out, cheering and wolf-whistles sounded out around them. She shook her head and opened her eyes.

"We're never gonna live this down." She chuckled.

"Oh well." Macca shrugged and put a hand on her waist. They barely noticed that a new silence had settled across the people watching; so intent on each other were they. Bethany stepped into Macca, and he leaned down, his lips touching hers for the first time. They didn't hear everyone responding again, they were only interested in their kiss.

Rae and Finn gave each other a happy smile, Finn's hand going to her face as they heard Izzy's delighted squeal of happiness, accompanied by Chloe's happy laugh. Chloe looked up at Rhys, who had a straight face and was looking around thoughtfully.

"Seriously, these two have been sweet on each other for months." She said and Rhys nodded.

"I don't doubt it." He answered, "I just saw a fairly suspicious guy across the road." He answered, "But I looked away, and when I looked back up he was gone." Chloe looked out across the road to where Rhys was looking.

"It's probably nothing." Chloe told herself more than anything. She stepped closer to Rhys, and he, as always, understood and put his arms around her protectively.

When Macca and Bethany stopped kissing she grinned saucily at him.

"Well this will make our Friday study sessions annoying."

"Annoying?"

"I can barely keep your mind on maths now… how am I gonna be able to do it when you know what you'll be able to do with me after we're done with the maths?" Macca made a slight whimpering noise in the back of his throat and Bethany's seductive grin broadened. "See?"

_'A Life Less Ordinary' by Ash_

Archie looked up at the night sky; the number of stars was incredible. Tom had his hand over Archie's mouth to control the lusty whimpers as he slowly made love to him. Tom frequently had to bite his bottom lip to silence himself.

The Sahara was a huge place, and there were lots of deserts within this desert; they were a few days into their trek through the White Desert, part of Egypt's Sahara. This was a surreal landscape of white sands and strange, almost mushroom shaped rock formations. Tom was in love with the place. And the night sky was literally the most romantic thing either of them had ever seen.

Now that Tom was used to all the heat and sweat and dust, and the bad attitude of his camel, the constant rocking motion and blazing heat put him in quite a sexual mood. When Zayed had offered them both some traditional Bedouin robes to wear, Tom had taken them; they hid is constant erection quite nicely. And they really helped with the heat. Mohammed had organised Zayed as their guide from Siwa Oasis back to the Nile where they would meet him. He'd warned them that Zayed was a fairly conservative Bedouin, who was willing to turn a blind eye as long as they were not too obvious. If they were obvious, he was likely to leave them in the desert.

They had been making love silently in hotel rooms and tents for weeks and weeks now. But the allure of the night sky in the desert had called them outside, and they had snuck off in the middle of the night to find a quiet place to make love. Possibly not the wisest thing to do, but they had left the lantern on in their tent and the soft distant glow of that would guide them back. And besides, it was a full moon tonight, they could see enough to make out the incredible shapes of the rocks around them.

Tom put his lips to Archie's ear and whispered;

"I love you." Archie's hands moved up Tom's back, his face showing his ecstasy, he groaned softly. "Sssshhh." Tom shushed him gently, his voice almost silent. "I love you." He whispered again. He took his hand of Archie's mouth to kiss him, keeping his moans as he came stifled by Archie's mouth devouring his. Archie rolled Tom over onto his back and kept kissing him, passionately, lovingly. Tom licked his hand and reached down to stroke Archie's cock before guiding him in, the lack of enough lube making him wince with delight. Tom was quite capable of coming from prostate gland stimulation alone; he had had many powerful orgasms like that, and Archie had been learning how to make him cum like that. Archie had been enjoying making him cum like that, wrapping his fingers around Tom's mouth to stifle the cries of pleasure. And he intended to do that right now. Archie was yet to cum from prostate stimulation alone, but he did enjoy it and Tom was quite determined to get him there; just not until they got home. Tom wanted Archie to be able to scream when that orgasm happened. Archie had screamed in ecstasy when he had cum from a blow job with prostate stimulation, and Tom wanted to hear that scream again and again… he'd just have to wait till he got Archie home. As for Archie; he'd let Tom scream here… with his hand firmly clamped over his mouth.

"I love you." Tom whispered up at Archie as Archie ground his hips into Tom, angling up, making tom groan with anticipation; he knew what Archie was doing and looked up at the beautiful sky as he let his body go lose, ready for the onslaught of pleasure.

"I love you." Archie whispered back as he clamped his hand over Tom's mouth and really started to grind. He'd whisper those words dozens of times before he was done with Tom, and Tom would scream in pleasure as silently as he could.

They laid naked, the cool desert breeze chilling the sweat on their panting bodies, both looking up at the stars, their hands clasped.

"Holy fuck Archie." Tom marvelled at how good Archie was at doing things to him.

"Learned from the best." Archie answered his unspoken words.

"Ah you just got natural talent." Tom shook his head and leaned over to kiss Archie.

They heard a sound to their right and they both shot their faces in that direction, terrified that they had been caught.

The reflective eyes of jackal looked back at them.

There was a moment of utter stillness as they looked into the eyes of the jackal; the Egyptian wolf. There was a sound almost like a soft bark from behind the jackal and it looked over its shoulder. A second jackal came up behind it and stood beside it looking at them.

Tom and Archie stared in complete silence as one of the jackals sniffed the air, the other one staring at them. The one who was sniffing made a slight noise, almost as if dismissing them and jogged past them, coming within inches of them. The one staring at them followed a moment later. They watched the jackal leave in stunned silence and then looked at each other with deep surprise. Huge grins broke out on both of their faces simultaneously.

"Oh my god!" Archie exclaimed excitedly.

"That was terrifying." Tom laughed and flopped back into the sand.

"What beautiful animals." Archie sat up and stared off into the night.

"Well if they decided to come back and eat us, at least they'll be very beautiful while they're doing it!" Tom laughed and started to get dressed.

"We just met Anubis…" Archie grinned. "It's no wonder people thought he judged people in the afterlife… I felt like he was judging us."

"Animals are always more intelligent than people think they are." Tom agreed. "But fuck me, that was terrifying!" He laughed.

"We've pushed our luck enough." Archie noted Tom getting dressed and jumped up to try and find his clothes, "Don't forget to check your clothes!" Archie reminded Tom. Two days ago, Tom had picked up his robes and a scorpion had fallen out onto his foot. He had screamed and kicked his foot out, the scorpion flying through the air to hit the side of the tent and go scuttling off into their things. It had taken half an hour, a lot of tentative pokes and prods, far too much laughing from Zayed, and several screams to get the damn thing out of their things and out of the tent. Tom had spent a lot of the time in a monologue about Archie's 'amazing idea to travel through the desert on fricking camel back and camp and where the fuckin fuck is this fucking devil creature?'

Archie had learned something that day; Tom's star sign might be Scorpio, but actual scorpions scared the shit out of him.

By the time they'd gotten dressed, Tom frantically shaking all his clothes out before putting them on, they realised that the lantern had gone out in their tent and they were lost.

In the Sahara.

In the middle of the night.

"Oh fuck." Archie moaned.

"It's gonna make a great tale when we get home." Tom reminded him. Archie had said this to Tom every time Tom had looked like he was unimpressed by something. The last time Archie had said it was when they had had to dig up their own hole to use as a toilet in the middle of the baking desert.

"Which way?" Tom asked grinning into the darkness. He was in this adventure with Archie wholeheartedly.

"Well if we go the wrong way, we're really fucked, you know?"

They'd ended up calling out to Zayed.

Loudly.

Screaming his name out into the darkness.

And he had come to retrieve him, clucking his tongue at foolish westerners.

They had accepted his admonishments wholeheartedly; it had been stupid.

But oh so fun.

They were up and ready to get going before dawn had even started to open its sleepy eyes. The sky was dark, the moon still full but low, and the stars were still captivating.

"Loris is back." Tom had named a gorgeous Fennec Fox that they had been seeing during their trek; Zayed liked Fennec foxes and would feed them the scraps from their meals. Tom had named the little fox after Laurence of Arabia and Zayed had seemed quite amused by this and had started calling him Loris too.

"Hey look, he's brought his partner!" Archie nodded towards Loris and a second Fennec Fox following him.

"You know I'm positive that it hasn't been Loris every dawn?" Tom laughed. "I am sure we're seeing different Fennec Foxes."

"The original Loris is probably still hanging around Siwa." Archie agreed.

"They're all Loris now." Zayed told them as he packed up the tents.

Tom's joy at meeting up with Mohammed again was tempered by his disbelief over the fact that they would be travelling by felucca for the next few days.

"That's a felucca?" He asked and cocked an eyebrow at Archie, "You seriously need to warn me about this stuff in future." He shook his head, "Egyptian sailing boat…" He uttered. "Here I was thinking it was a real sailing boat with fucking beds…" He sighed and threw his bag into it. Archie looked around to see no one nearby but Mohammed speaking to Zayed and another guy Mohammed had paid to actually 'drive' the boat, and gave Tom a quick peck on the cheek. The new guy was a Coptic fellow by the name of Adam, he was also gay, and both of them instantly liked him.

"Thanks for putting up with my shit." Archie grinned and Tom gave him a fond grin.

"Nothing to put up with. If it weren't for you, I never would have had an adventure like this." He looked around, "Just look at where we are Arch." He grinned, "Thanks for putting up with my whinging."

"You're not whinging." Archie told him, "I miss beds too."

It was an hour before they set off in the tiny felucca, which was surprisingly comfortable.

And an hour after that Tom found himself staring at Archie in disbelief.

Mohammed was already swimming in the murky water and Adam was staying on board to look after the boat.

"It'd blazingly hot!" Archie reasoned.

"But we could get bilharzia!" Tom had read the travel books, including the health section.

"Yeah in the shallows; but we're in the middle of the river!" Archie pulled his shirt off with a gleeful grin.

"But the water quality…"

"It's the fucking Nile!" Archie laughed. He grabbed Tom's face and kissed his lips before turning and diving into the river. Tom, laughing and shaking his head stripped off and dived in after him.

Nights were great with Mohammed and Adam, who seemed to be on again off again lovers. They slept under the open sky, slathered in mosquito repellent, and only ate things that could either be cooked over an open fire or made in a single pot.

Adam had an amazing singing voice and would entertain them by singing and telling jokes, and Mohammed would tell them the history of Egypt as the shores slid by, or as they sat watching the fire. They were both very interested in England and the differences and similarities in life there. During these conversations, Archie was struck by how much he and Tom shrugged about England but how fiercely in love with Egypt Mohammed and Adam were, despite some of the problems they complained about. It was inspiring and very endearing to meet to such different people who were both so completely Egyptian; their sense of nationalism uniting them.

Tonight they were taking the train from Luxor to Aswan to spend a few days. They were seeing Abu Simbel, the Isle Temple of Philae and lots of other exciting things. Tom was particularly excited by Abu Simbel; they had moved a whole mountain to protect the monument from being flooded by Lake Nasser when the Aswan High Dam went in. Several monuments were moved, but Abu Simbel was the one Tom was keenest to see; it belonged to Ramses the second. He was actually getting quite keen to get to Luxor too and see more of what Egypt's longest reigning pharaoh had gotten up to there. Archie was most keen for Karnak; a huge temple complex in which successive pharaohs competed for the gods favour by building more and grander structures.

It was sad to think that their time in Egypt was coming to an end. After Luxor they were heading to Greece, birthplace of Alexander the Great. Archie was sad that he hadn't decided to go to the Sinai Peninsula, but he hadn't had time, and he was happy to think that they'd have to head back to Egypt.

They both loved it here. And when he had mentioned it to Tom, he'd nodded eagerly, for all his whinging about camping and heat, he was having the time of his life. They both were.

_'American Woman' by The Guess Who_

"Another week gone." Rae said as they headed towards the car park on a Friday afternoon.

"This time two weeks ago I were about to head out to Paris on a romantic getaway planned by my ridiculously thoughtful partner." Chloe noted slightly morosely. "And now this." She complained, "I have so much homework that I'm positive it's breeding in me locker."

"Producing stronger better adapted babies… that are impossible to kill." Rae responded and Chloe cocked and eyebrow at her. Rae saw the quizzical look, "You should see the fucking biology homework I got Chlo." She shook her head in dismay.

"I have to sew all the costumes for your play this weekend!" Izzy moaned, "I wish I hadn't agreed to do it."

Behind them Phil and Finn were discussing feminist theatre; Elsa's latest homework. Bryn was listening in with a thoughtful expression, while Woody and James talked about the possible benefits of marijuana if taken medically. James was wanting to be a doctor, Woody just like pot. And bringing up the rear Macca and Bethany, holding hands, grinning about their study session; their first since they had started dating. Bethany was debating with herself over whether to just jump in hips first, or let this one take its time.

"What's Audrey doing here?" Rae had looked up to see not only Rhys, waiting as always, deep in conversation with Elsa today, but Audrey, the sound girl at Finn's radio station was also there.

"Oh hey Rae." She said as they approached, her American accent sounding stronger to Rae's ears than usual.

"Hey." Rae answered.

"What's with the suit?" Finn asked and beside him Phil pocketed his hands and cleared his throat.

"I only work at that dump voluntarily cos they're teaching me how to do sound engineering." She answered in the usual curt tone she seemed to reserve for men. She sipped on a flask of extremely strong smelling black coffee, "I work as a lawyer by day." She looked over at Phil.

"Coming?" She asked him and he nodded.

"Wait what?" Rae asked as Phil went to follow her. Audrey looked back at them and saw Phil hesitating.

"He's my fucktoy, and he's coming to my house to cook me French Fries, fuck me till I cum, and then get the fuck out of my house so I can read my comic books." She answered Rae with a sweet tone.

"Wait Phil." Chloe interceded, "You've just had your heart broken… is this a healthy thing to be-"

"It's perfect for me." Phil answered and Audrey sighed, and looked at her watch, "I'll just be a moment." He told her.

"I honestly do not care about one word you say." Audrey told him and Phil grinned in reply, "I barely remember your name." She went on, her icy blue eyes flashing, "All that matters is you've got a great cock and you know how to use it. I don't even care if you cum, as long as I do." She looked at the rest of the gang, "So if you wanna play with these people for a bit, fine. But if you're not in my car before I get bored of waiting for you, you can kiss this ass goodbye." She turned, her full figured bottom shown off perfectly in her blue dress suit, her golden blonde hair shining in the light as she walked off across the car park.

"She's so sexy." Phil grinned, "And she doesn't give one fuck about me, which is perfect, cos I don't give one fuck about her!"

"How long have you been with her?" Finn asked. He was used to Audrey's rough demeanour; she was usually high at the station, but it didn't mean that she talked any nicer to any of the males there at all. She had told Rae that after too many times of men treating her like an object to get their dicks into, she decided to start treating them like that. She had no male friends, but many adored female friends. No partner, a dog, a beautiful apartment and several lovers. She always chatted kindly to Rae, but brusquely to Finn at the station, and Rae liked her. Finn thought she was solid, but difficult; he like her, even though he knew she didn't like him.

Rae thought about what Phil had said at the party and nodded slowly. He needed these women to stop the painful gash on his leg from getting infected.

"Well…" She said trying to make her voice sound stronger, "Take care of yourself."

"I always do." He grinned and headed off towards Audrey's electric blue car.

"Does anybody here think that's a good idea?" Chloe asked watching Phil go.

"It's not really our business." Rae said with lowered eyes.

"But he's our friend." Chloe answered.

"Audrey's a good woman." Rae answered, "She just doesn't take any shit whatsoever…"

"From men." Finn added, "She's a little more patient with women."

"And you're ok with this?" Chloe asked Finn and he shrugged.

"He's doing better than I did. The girl I fucked with cared about me." He shook his head, "He fucks around responsibly."

"Yeah, you gotta do that shit ethically." Woody chimed in.

"Look I get the whole idea that he's fucking around to get over his pain from…" Chloe didn't say what from, this was far too a public space to speak about it, and not everyone in the school gang knew the details, "And that it's better that he don't break a bunch o' girls to do that… But d'you really think that being treated like an object is gonna help him?" Chloe asked, "I mean it never helped me… or you." She said to Rae, "Or any other woman. So why would it help him?"

"The truth is Chlo, I don't know what'll help him." Rae answered, "But it's not up to me."

"I know." She shook her head, "I know it's not up to us." She said, "I just love that fucking dweeb." She sighed, "I don't want him to get any more broken."

"None of us do." Finn agreed.

"People don't break." Rae said, reminding Chloe of something Elsa had once said to her: things break, people are not things.

"No… but it can hurt so much that it feels irreparable…" She answered. "I don't want that for any of my friends." She answered. "I know it's his decision but… I don't see any harm in reminding him that he's worth more than that."

"I think he knows that he is." Rae said, "I think he really just wants hassle-free sex Chlo. And whether that's healthy or not isn't for us to judge." Chloe sighed.

"I guess I just get worked up about people I care about being treated like a fucktoy… it was horrible when I went through that." She shook her head.

"The difference is consent." Rae said very softly and Chloe understood. Phil was consenting to be treated like this; he was seeking it out. Chloe had consented to sex, but had been treated like an object, and then raped multiple times. Chloe nodded.

"I s'pose." She hugged Rae, "I love you Rae, you take care of yourself this weekend ok?" She said bossily and Rae grinned

"Only if you take care of yourself too." Rae replied, "Love you too."

Everyone hugged and said their farewells, Rae and Finn heading over to their car.

"You alright?" He asked and Rae nodded her head thoughtfully.

"I knew he were doing stuff like this." She shrugged.

"Aye." Finn answered. "You know he still loves you right?"

"Unfortunately for him." Rae answered, "And that shouldn't matter anyway." She hitched her bag, angry at herself.

"Alright." Finn answered simply, understanding her mood. "How much crap do you reckon we can give Audrey about this?" Finn grinned.

"You?" Rae asked, "None." She answered, "Me?" She shrugged, "Also none, cos she just wouldn't care." Rae sighed, "You know she once said that she was wondering if males were a lower life form." Finn considered this for a moment.

"Harsh." He nodded with a grin, "But given the majority of guys in Stamford act like pond scum…" He shrugged to indicate that it was a fair assumption to live by. Rae chuckled, but inside she was worrying for Phil. She didn't like to be thinking about Phil like this when she was with Finn.

"So what's the plan this weekend?"

"Other than work on Saturday and therapy on Sunday, I'm leaving it all up to you girl." He grinned and she gave a thoughtful expression for a moment.

"Homework." She grumbled, "A visit to Red Eye." She grinned knowing how much he loved that music shop, and he nodded happily, "And more sex than you can poke a stick at."

_'Bang A Gong (Get It On)' by T-Rex_

"I knew you were a T-Rex kind of a guy." Elsa shook her head at the album he was playing and sat down on the floor in front of his record collection and started to flip through them. "There is an altogether alarming amount of glam rock in your collection Kester." She spoke with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, her eyes focussed on his impressive vinyl collection.

"Only alarming if you're a square babe." He joked as he sat down beside her and lit a cigarette.

"Oh god." She groaned and he laughed all the more at her response, "You're the square." She returned with a straight face. He handed her the bottle of red wine and she raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"Or are you too square for it?" He teased with a cheeky grin.

"How much of a hangover do you want me to have?" She chuckled.

"Well that's the deal you made when you agreed to commiserate the demise of yet another one of my relationships."

"Don't you have a bunch of blokes you could drink with for that?"

"They're tomorrow night." He took a swig of wine, "You're my emergency first aid."

"How thrilling for me." Elsa answered drolly.

"Well, you did choose to come over… So now you're stuck!" He laughed.

"Possibly one of the biggest mistakes of my life to date."

"Well, then it's fair to say that your mistakes are not nearly as terrible as mine." He raised his eyebrows and drew on his cigarette regretfully.

"So what's a mistake that is playing on your mind, other than your girlfriend, of course?"

"Oh so many. I remember there was a particular piece of advice that I gave Rae, that I really wish I could take back. But I know it's best that I don't."

"Oh yeah? And are you allowed to tell me what that advice was?" She finally accepted the proffered bottle of red wine and drank straight from the bottle like he had been.

"I told her that she couldn't fix other people until she fixed herself." Kester grimaced and took the bottle of wine back.

"That's just fucking terrible advice." Elsa replied as she had expected nothing else from Kester. "First off people are not things to get broken, so there is no fixing involved. Secondly, you imply that it's her job to fix other people. And last you tell her that she can only be perfect before she can help people she loves!" Elsa shook her head, "if that's the case then you're woefully underqualified to help people."

"Ah yes, I forgot how good you are for my ego." She gave him a teasing grin and pulled out an album to look out. "I was meaning to tell her that she needed to look after herself, because if you don't look after yourself you have nothing left in the tank to help the people you love."

"Then why not just say that? That's a perfectly excellent sentence."

"Because I was being a psychologist, and we often think in terms of fixing things."

"There you go again talking about human beings like they're things." She gave him an unimpressed look. "Human beings cannot be broken. We can be scarred, we can be hurt. We can feel like we are broken… But we cannot be. When you think about fixing us, it implies that there is a finite end to the growth of humanity, to the growth of the individual. There is no end to human growth, not until we die." She shrugged and took the bottle again.

"I know, but sometimes you just need to feel like there's an end to the struggle. Especially when you're exhausted, and you feel like you're drowning." Elsa considered this for a moment.

"I understand the urge to offer comfort to people. But it feels to me to be a very cruel way to offer comfort; it's like throwing them a life vest to put their faith in, only to reveal the life vest is made of cotton, not some sort of buoyant material." Kester lit his second cigarette from the butt of the first and nodded slowly.

"I told you it was a mistake." He muttered. Deciding to change the topic, Elsa lit another cigarette.

"I gave her some questionable advice too."

"You?" Kester asked, "I find that hard to believe."

"I may have accidentally told her to find comfort in food… I didn't know she had a binge eating problem."

"Ah." Kester said thoughtfully, "Well food is inherently comforting isn't it? It keeps us alive." He lit Elsa's cigarette for her, "So whenever we feel dead inside, or like something is killing us, or like we're struggling… food reminds us that we are alive, it comforts us in a very intimate way…" He thought about that for a while, "And that's ok as long as we don't get addicted to it, or use it too much or do it thoughtlessly as a habit…" He said all of this to avoid talking in specific detail about Rae's case. "I'll keep an eye on that. Thanks." She nodded and pulled out another record and held two up to him.

"T-Rex or Bowie?"

"Now that's a hard fucking ask!" Kester chuckled. She gave him a teasing grin and nodded towards the records, indicating that he would have to choose no matter how hard it was.

"Well, I do love Bowie, but have had a lot more sex to T-Rex, so I think I have to choose them."

"Oh God. Just imagine having sex to T-Rex!" Elsa laughed, trying to imagine a young Kester in platforms, tight pants, and perhaps a sequenced neckerchief. She laughed as she pulled out another two albums at random.

"Susie Quatro or Gary glitter?" She narrowed her eyes are Kester as he considered, "you shouldn't even have to think about this."

"Yeah, you're right, Susie all the way." She gave him an approving look and pulled another two records out.

"Queen or Bowie?" She asked with a devilish glint in her eye.

"Oh now that's a hard one. I couldn't possibly choose."

"Alright, that's your one free pass." She warned him and pulled out another two records. "Stevie wonder or Lou Reed?"

"Do you know I haven't listened to that Stevie Wonder album in years?" He took it from her and looked at the back, his fingers running down the track listing.

"Why not?" She asked, "It's an amazing album."

"Yeah I remember…" Kester laid back on the floor and drew heavily on his cigarette.

"I feel like there's a bit of a tale with this one?" Elsa looked around his apartment, there were a few boxes near the entrance to the bedroom; signs of his girlfriend moving out.

"Yeah, there's a bit of a tale." Kester answered evasively. "Never really talked to anyone about it."

"Your job is to make people talk about things that hurt them, and yet you don't…" She shook her head and lay down putting her feet up on the lounge. "You don't think that's a little…"

"Yeah, I know hypocritical." Kester grinned and looked at her, "you're very fond of calling me that."

"Well, I'd stop if you'd stop being it." Elsa shrugged. "I suppose we're all hypocritical really." She sat up slightly to have a swig of red wine and then laid back down. "So, are you gonna tell me this tale?"

"I thought you weren't my fucking therapist?" He teased.

"I'm not. But I am your friend." Elsa reached over and took Kester's hand. "And that's what friends do."

"When my ex-wife and I bought our first house, the first album I played was this one." He looked at the track listing again, "I remember being so happy that I finally got the sound system up and working. And I put this album on, and she was cooking pasta in the kitchen… And we danced in the kitchen, making out… fucking on the kitchen bench… The pasta ended up sticking to the bottom of the pot…" He chuckled as he remembered how disappointed his wife had been that the first meal she had cooked in their new home had been ruined. She had gotten over it fairly quickly when she found out she was pregnant the next day.

"Sounds like a wonderful memory." Elsa knew that that meant that this story was about to head downhill rapidly.

"She was about two months pregnant when we got the house. But we didn't know until after we moved in. It was a surprise pregnancy…" Kester set up to grab a long swig of red wine. "We had been intending to start a family in a couple of years time anyway, so it was a welcome surprise."

"So what went wrong?"

"I wasn't a very good partner… I never have been. I am too invested in my work." He took a deep breath, "but when I was younger, I thought I was so much more supportive than I actually was. But that's jumping ahead… When we found out that we were having a baby, it was truly one of the happiest moments of my life. I remember being so excited about making a nursery and we painted the spare room, and we bought a crib, and we bought a pram, and we bought everything… Clothes… Nappies… We were ready for our little bundle of joy." Hearing the tone of sorrow in Kester's voice told Elsa what was to come. "He was stillborn." The pain in Kester's voice was almost overwhelming and Elsa took her feet off the lounge and rolled over onto her side to look at his face.

"I'm so sorry…"

"We had no warning that he was dead. It was the early 80s and prenatal care wasn't really a thing. They induced her when the pregnancy had gone on longer than expected…" Kester stared at the ceiling, wishing that after all these years he had come to terms with this, but he had not. "My son was born, the perfect baby, he was so beautiful… And still and silent… They had no idea why he died." Elsa squeezed his hand and listened silently, "but they say he had died at about eight months." Elsa squeezed his hand. "I think we never recovered from that. Two years later she had a miscarriage. She started to have problems with not wanting to have sex… And I treated her like a patient rather than my wife." He lit another cigarette, "and a few years after that she left. It was a slow and horrible disintegration of a relationship I thought would be with me for the rest of my life. That was my first wife… My second wife… I haven't even signed the divorce papers with her yet and my girlfriend is moving out." He shook his head, "I am too focused on my work and I never give enough to the women I'm with, who quite frankly deserve much better and give me everything." He sighed, "I think it's a bachelor's life for me."

"Or you could just learn to have a work life balance."

"How do you have a work life balance when people's lives are literally in your hands?" Kester turned onto his side to look at, "every time I've been sleeping on the job, someone died or someone got hurt… And these are kids we're talking about… I have a responsibility to them."

"You do also have a responsibility for yourself." Elsa reminded him, "when you're not taking care of yourself, you basically become an alcoholic. And that certainly won't help your kids." She deliberately reminded him of the advice he had been trying to give Rae and he nodded, understanding what she was doing.

"I do have to learn to be kinder to myself." Kester acknowledged.

"It's totally okay for you to spend some time focusing on yourself." She squeezed his hand again. "Okay think this calls for a change of topic! Let's talk about…" Elsa tried to think of a topic that couldn't possibly be sad.

"Do you have anything like that in your past?"

"Of course I do. Everyone has horrible things in the past. None of mine are baby related mind you… I literally have no intention of ever having a child."

"Seems odd you'd be a teacher then."

"I don't mind human beings once they're capable of thinking and talking… I do mind the whole idea of changing nappies and waking in the middle of the night to a screaming child and no longer having any freedom and everyone deciding they can give me advice about said child and having another person grow inside of me, displacing all of my organs before squeezing out of my vagina… I object pretty firmly to all of that." She nodded and sat up to put an album on.

"Well, when you put it like that, parenthood does seem a little-"

"Utterly ridiculously stupid." Elsa interjected as she put the needle on the vinyl.

"Oh…" Kester took a moment to really appreciate the album Elsa had put on and grinned widely, "I had some good sex to this album."

"I don't think you've lived if you haven't fucked to a glam rock song!" Elsa laughed.

"Tell me about the first time you had sex to a glam rock song." Kester sat up and drank some more wine.

"Well, that was my first husband when I was a teenager… And it was playing in the car while we fucked on the back seat. He was a horrible human being, but god he knew how to fuck." She made a noise in the back of her throat and took the bottle from Kester. "But his cock always smelled slightly like a urinal… And he always wanted head." Kester scrunched up his nose in response. "It's always the thing isn't it? Guys tell us ladies that our cunts smell but no one ever tells guys that their cocks smell."

"I've met a lot of people who think 'their shit don't stink,' as the saying goes, and unfortunately for my sex, most of them seem to be men." Kester shook his head, "your ex-husband was a bad person, did you have sex with any decent people to glam rock?"

"Of course I have." She lit another cigarette, she was gonna wake up tomorrow sounding like a 60-year-old man with a head throbbing like a rock star. "There was this unbelievably sexy man, his name was Andrew, he's a model; still see him in magazines sometimes. Perfect ratio between his shoulders and arse, just the right amount of muscle, a vagina that always smelled like candy apple, and the most stunning green eyes I've ever seen. He's bisexual and I had so many threesomes with him, I don't even know where to begin!"

"Right, so he was transgender?"

"Yeah, and very open about it; he does heaps of nude shoots."

"In my experience, it's quite rare for a trans person to be so confident; society is very cruel and oppressive towards them… It's really good to hear such a positive story. Has he had the reassignment surgery yet?"

"Probably not; he really loves his vagina. He had the top surgery done ages ago, he talks about it very openly… You know I could get you guys to meet up, he's all for educating people… Which I really admire because he shouldn't have to, and the vast majority of people are just dicks. And I wouldn't be as graceful in his position. I frequently am not graceful when people try to give me shit for being a woman or being fat."

"Yeah,but there's a difference between advocacy and response to oppression. Both are valid and important."

"Oh, I know, I just find it very hard to be as eloquent and graceful as you need to be when you are advocating, when some dipshit is literally threatening to kill or rape you just for existing as your authentic self. It's hard enough to play nice when someone is just sending a bit of hate your way, but some of the stuff that comes out of people's mouths Kester… They're lucky I'm calm enough to not thump the shit out of them."

"I bet they deserve it…" He gave a cheeky grin.

"Now I never would have thought to hear you say something like that!" She laughed and he shrugged.

"There's lots of things about me you wouldn't expect."

"Oh yeah? Surprise me!" She teased.

"Alright," he accepted the challenge, "were talking about having sex to glam rock?" He asked with a look that told her he had something up his sleeve. "When I was 17 I snuck into a party that was happening at some club in Manchester. We were there visiting family…" He added, "At that party I met a very lovely 17 year old boy."

"Oh!" Elsa laughed, "Got some experimentation in your past hey?"

"I like glam rock!" He laughed, "So of course! I had a great night with him, and I woke up the next morning with a body covered in glitter and a broken heart." Kester grinned, "He'd disappeared. And I'd fallen so in love with him…" He shook his head, "Ah young love." He drank some wine and laid back down, "After that I spent as much time as possible going to clubs and falling in love with all the wrong girls… and the occasional boy. Until I met Kelly. Who I ended up marrying."

"Is 'falling in love' a euphemism for fucking Kester?" Elsa teased again.

"Not every time." He replied with a grin.

"But often enough." She answered astutely.

"Yes, often enough."

"So after Kelly…?"

"I had a couple of girlfriends before I met my second wife. And then after her it was just straight into my now ex-girlfriend."

"Maybe you need a boyfriend not a girlfriend." Kester looked up at her.

"I hadn't really thought about it." He admitted, "It's been a long while since I experimented like that!" He chuckled. Elsa shrugged.

"It's not as hard as you imagine it'll be easy to get back into the swing of it." She told him, "So what happened with your girlfriend, she seemed nice."

"She is. Very nice. But she, quite rightly, points out that I am married to my work. She wanted me to change more than I'm willing to. You always make compromises in a relationship, but she asked for too much. I guess I'm too stuck in my ways. And you know, fuck it! I like who I am. So I told her we had to end it. And she agreed; I think she had been wanting to end it for a while."

"Seems like a legitimate reason to split to me. I never compromise on who I am. Not for anyone."

"You know, I think when you're younger you have more energy for that kind of thing… you bend and flow for the person you're with. But when you get older… I'm just really sick of it."

"I understand." Elsa nodded, "if people don't love me for who I am, they can fuck off."

"Yeah." Kester grinned, "So really, I just finally took my own advice." He said philosophically, "She didn't love me for who I am… so I rather politely told her to fuck off." She swigged on wine and he lit another cigarette, "You know, you change throughout your life, you grow and adapt, and you need someone who loves you at your core… so they can love you as you go through everything. She kept trying to change my core. I'll always be married to that job. And like that about myself."

_'You Gotta Be' by Des'ree_

"You're only seeing him to piss me off." He snarked and Chloe rolled her eyes as she stuffed clothes in her bag.

"No dad, I had no idea just how racist y'are afore I started going out with Rhys… it's been an unpleasant discovery, to say the least." Chloe looked over at Rae who was sitting on the bed. Everyone was trying to travel in at least pairs nowadays and Chloe and Rae were hanging out this afternoon while Finn had football practice and Rhys worked. Rae's shifts at Curvy girl on a budget had been changed to Thursdays for late night shopping and Sunday morning; she had the store to herself then and did the opening. She had been working Tuesdays up until last week. Now that she had Tuesdays free she and Chloe decided to spend every second one together, and the alternate one at the game with Izzy and Bethany. Macca was trying to get his detention moved from Tuesdays, but no one liked his chances. He did manage to get the football start time delayed, so he could play the second half of the match after he raced to the playing fields from detention.

Today Rae and Chloe were grabbing some more clothes for Chloe to take to Rhys's house, and then hanging out at Rae's house.

"I'm not racist Chloe!" His voice was raised and Rae flinched. But Chloe turned on him.

"Can you actually even hear yourself?" She spat at him.

"I'm paying him to do your self-defence classes aren't I?" He sounded exasperated at her, like he thought she was an idiot. There was a time when that tone used to really upset Chloe. But not anymore.

"As you should." She retorted.

"I could have insisted that you be taught by that white homosexual." Jarred said simply, the undertone of anger still there.

"That white homosexual?" Chloe asked, "Well I know a few white gay people dad so you'll have to be more specific." She went over to her desk and retrieved some jewellery. She'd put her plan to educate her father on the backburner for now; the issue of Ian was pressing in on her psyche too much to take on that monumental task as well. With school, worrying about Rae and her other friends, fearing Ian and falling more in love with Rhys, she barely had any time for anything else. When she got rid of Ian she could deal with her father and then her mother. Her mother, at least was actually trying… it was painful and still racist… but there was an attempt being made, so she wasn't as important to educate as her father.

"Oh I don't know his name. He's with Archie."

"You mean Tom." She said brusquely and turned to Rae, "It's his birthday tomorrow." She grinned.

"Weren't it Rhys's yester?" Rae asked and Chloe nodded, "Thank fu-" Rae stopped herself from swearing remembering that Chloe's father was still in the doorway, "Cos I got him a little something." Rae finished with an awkward grin.

"You know he don't expect that." Chloe answered.

"I get all me friends a little something Chlo." Rae answered, noticing how Chloe was trying to dismiss her father by ignoring him and trying to help out by keeping this ridiculous chit-chat going. "It's funny those two being such good mates and being born two days apart."

"And a year, Tom's older by a year." Chloe added as she grabbed some photos of the gang to put in her bag.

"What did you guys get up to after school?"

"Well not heaps cos of his work." Chloe said, "But I got him an nice little pressie and home made him a lovely dinner and a cake and then I read him poetry all night." She grinned, "He loves me reading to him."

"Sounds perfect." Rae grinned.

"He's very easy to please. I wish I could have taken him somewhere for a week for his birthday… but school and work…" She sighed. "Next year though, I'm gonna figure out where he wants to go and I'm making it happen!" She asserted and grabbed some underwear from her top draw.

"I forbid you to leave the house with more clothing Chloe. You said you were not moving in permanently with that man." Her father said as Chloe zipped up her bag. Chloe gave Rae a look, and she understood perfectly. Chloe rounded on her father and started yelling to him; telling him he couldn't forbid her from doing anything and she would simply move all of her things out if he continued to push her like this. Rae quietly picked up the bag of Chloe's clothing and edged from the room as if embarrassed by the fight. Chloe was reminding her father that she had been attacked by Ian twice while at this house when Rae made it to the top of the stairs and headed down them, glad that Chloe's mother was out grocery shopping.

Moments later Chloe came to the car and got in. Rae gave her a grin.

"Alright?" She asked and Chloe nodded.

"He used to really upset me," Chloe said as Rae started the engine and backed down the driveway. "I don't know what it is Rae, but I've just got no time or energy for his shit anymore." She said, "I keep telling myself it'll be different when this stuff with Ian is sorted out… but I dunno, you know?" She sighed, "I keep thinking I should feel bad cos he me dad… but I just don't."

"You know Chlo, I used to be right jealous of you having a dad." Rae said, "But the one thing that finding and contacting my father has taught me is that it's ok to cut poisonous people out of your life, even if they're your blood." Rae kept her eyes on the road but reached out to take Chloe's hand, "It's ok to take care of yourself and banish people who hurt you or Rhys, to the outer solar system." Rae said.

"Outer solar system!" Chloe laughed.

"It's a thing Kester and I worked on when I felt guilty for not getting back to me dad when he wrote me. He said, we are the sun of our own universe and everyone else is our planets…"

"So the world really does revolve around me!" Chloe chuckled.

"Well your world does, aye." Rae grinned, "And that's alright, cos it's your world. "The point is, Rhys is like the closest planet, and me and all the gang are the next planet…"

"Uh huh." Chloe disagreed, "You're equal to Rhys for me Rae." Chloe squeezed Rae's hand, "And that gang o' losers," She chuckled, "They're fucking to close to being as close to me as you are, you know?" Rae nodded.

"Maybe we're an asteroid belt or something, I dunno. But we're all real close to you. And then you've got the middle range people, and then…"

"Those that are at the farthest reaches of my galaxy." Chloe grinned.

"Sometimes you just gotta put people out there, cos they're killing you a bit." Rae said, "But you can bring them back in closer, later on… if they deserve it. And some people you just gotta push out of your gravitational field forever." Rae continued, "The whole point of this metaphor is that it's ok to take care of yourself. Even if it means pissing off your dad, or not taking to him… or even banishing him from your solar system. If he's fucking up your sun… your light… he don't deserve to be in your world." Chloe felt better and nodded thoughtfully.

"I guess we always get these ideas that we're supposed to be with family forever, no matter what… but if they're poison, or abusive, or… well, you gotta do what's right for yourself." Chloe went over the thoughts in her mind. They pulled up into Rae's driveway; it wasn't a long drive, but neither of them felt like taking the risk of coming across Ian without a car to get into. They'd taken Chloe's car but Rae had agreed to drive.

Chloe followed Rae up to the door, leaving her bag in her car.

"Oh fuck!" Rae banged her head against the door.

"What is it?"

"I grabbed your keys and not mine." Rae groaned. Ever since Karim had put the new locks on the door, she'd been in the habit of taking keys with her when she left the house; the door locked automatically, and you could also chain and deadbolt it manually from inside if you wanted. They'd all been locked out a couple of times when they'd first gotten the locks put in; they'd all learned since then.

"Oh shit!" Chloe laughed.

"Alright, have you got your spare?"

"You what?" Chloe asked and Rae sighed.

"Me mum got Finn a spare key cut…"

"Oh that's good!"

"But we'd already had one done. So I told him to give the spare to you or Arch."

"Oh right." Chloe sighed, "Well he didn't give it to me. I'm almost entirely certain he didn't give it to Arch either; he would o' bragged about it to me."

"Ah the bastard probably forgot." Rae sighed. "It'll still be in his fucking jeans pocket." She shook her head. "Alright, down to the match it is!"

"D'you wanna walk?" Chloe asked as Rae handed her her keys.

"Sounds good." They started heading up the road, Chloe lacing her arm through Rae's.

"Rae can I ask…?" Chloe looked at her best friend, "Why did you really hurt yourself?" Rae looked down at the road.

"There so many reason Chlo. You having a dad was one of 'em." Chloe furrowed her brows sympathetically, "You remember when we hurt ourselves coming down the stairs on-"

"Boxes!" Chloe laughed.

"Yeah it were fun." Rae noticed the way Chloe laughed at her fond memory. "You remember how your father reached over me to pick you up to comfort you?" Chloe stopped laughing immediately.

"I hadn't thought about it… it were just… something I expected him to do."

"And it were something I never had. And I don't mean to make you feel bad for having things." Rae said, remembering what Chloe had said to her about that once, "but growing up next to you was so hard." Rae shook her head, "You're beautiful and thin… and you got money, and you're mum's not mental, and your dad… well he's present." Chloe considered this silently, "I didn't realise though that your life were still pretty shit." Chloe gave her a grateful smile, "Because being beautiful and thin, is no guarantee of self-esteem or self-love, and sure society doesn't hate you like it does me… but we still both get preyed on by fucked up guys. And you get guys wanting you as a fucking trophy, so you'd never be quite sure if they loved you or your body."

"I'm so glad I met Rhys."

"Me too." Rae said "You and me are two different sides of the same coin Chlo." Rae said, "we've both had shit. Your mum starved you to control you and make you be thin… my mum used food to comfort me when she couldn't handle the world herself. Your dad's a turd. My dad's a turd." Rae shrugged. "But back then… we was growing apart, and I missed you. But I figured that I deserved to lose you… cos I'm fat and ugly. I felt like I were utterly worthless cos me own dad didn't bother to stay in contact with me." Rae said softly, "Maybe I were a disappointment to him… I hated myself Chlo. I really just loathed everything about me. I felt wrong in me own skin." Chloe pulled her closer and squeezed the arm she held on to. "When everything hurts so much it's just like white noise in your head… I just needed it to stop. Just for a minute." Chloe didn't take her eyes of Rae as she spoke so honestly, "And you know, my body was worth shit, so what difference did it make anyway?" She looked up at Chloe. "It helped the pain." She said simply and shrugged. "But I don't do that anymore for dealing with pain…"

"So what do you do?" Chloe asked.

"I go to therapy." Rae answered, "and I learn new coping strategies and I talk it out with Kester."

"So are you better now Rae? Cos you seem a lot better…"

"I am a lot better Chlo." Rae said, "But that part o' me… it's always there, just under the surface, threatening to come back. You know sometimes, when I think about Phillip… I think about that pantry door in the kitchen, with all that food behind it…" She sighed, "But I don't binge eat anymore." Rae said, "I go to therapy."

"Rae I need to tell you something…" Chloe whispered, terrified of setting Rae off.

"You and Phil slept together." Rae said.

"How did you know?" She asked bewildered.

"I caught some of the looks you gave each other." Rae shrugged, "He's not mine Chloe. It's ok."

"We had a couple of… meetings." Chloe said, "But in the end, he felt that it weren't right cos he were friends with me and we cared about each other, but he were in love with me best mate." Chloe shook her head, "So we stopped a while ago now… a couple o' weeks afore drama camp I think." Chloe said, "He never felt quite right about it." She said, "I think he feels very loyal to you in that regard." Rae furrowed her brows, "But I just thought that you had Finn and wouldn't care… had I known you had such deep feelings for him Rae, I would of never…" Chloe shook her head.

"I know." Rae turned to her. "I know Chlo, it's fine. I'm not upset at either of you. Although we do seem to have the same taste in men." She grinned and Chloe laughed, relieved. "He's not mine in anyway. You're free to…"

"No." Chloe shook her head. "Rhys and I talked about this recently, we both feel it's probably better to not fuck within your friendship group unless you're damn certain it's not gonna cause ripples."

"God Rhys is a good looking fella." Rae shook her head in bewilderment over how someone could be so sexy and made a noise of appreciation in the back of her throat.

"You know it seems unfair that I've… done stuff with two guys you're in to. But you haven't had a go at Rhys." Chloe laughed. "You should know, that if you ever wanted to and he wanted to, I wouldn't object."

"Oh that's nice." Rae grinned.

"I mean it." Chloe said, "But other than that, I think I'm with Rhys about staying away from friends."

"So how is it in an open relationship?" Rae asked and Chloe grinned.

"It's really good." She answered, "Although the first time Rhys went with someone else I nearly fucking died of jealousy!" She laughed. "It was some gorgeous guy and I was still worrying about my own worth. But I had told him I was ready. And it turned out that I was. After the initial jealousy settled I realised that I was really excited for him to live up to his full sexuality and enjoy men, which I know he does. I got really keen for him to have as much pleasure and happiness as he could."

"Wow." Rae wasn't sure if that would happen if she saw Finn with someone else.

"But you know I had to do a lot of work unlearning what society tells us about relationships. Now I'm totally fine with him enjoying other people; I do too, and we still have the same amount of sex with each other." Chloe shrugged, "It works quite brilliantly for us." Rae nodded her head slowly, "It wouldn't work for a lot of people though." She added, "A lot of people are very invested in the idea of monogamy." She shrugged, "But I just think; whatever makes you happy, you know?"

"Consenting adults and all that." Rae agreed.

"But you know, I do worry about some girls getting pressure into things like this cos o' the way we're raised to please men…" Chloe sighed, "It's never just an easy answer, there's always layers and context and someone's always gonna judge your decisions no matter what you do." They stopped to cross the road. "Are you thinking of opening up your relationship?" Chloe asked.

"No." Rae answered instantly.

"Oh." Chloe wondered if she should say anything, but decided to go with it, "I thought that with Phil…?"

"Well that wouldn't be open." Rae answered, "That would be a hideously unfair threesome in which I force two guys who for most of the last 18 months have hated each other, into playing nice so I could have them both." She shook her head, "I'm not sure I fully believe their friendship, you know?"

"Yeah, I think at first it was a little strained, a little put on. But I think now that they genuinely like each other. Some of the private little moments I've seen them have… the conversations. They are mates Rae." Rae shrugged.

"Doesn't change how unfair it is." Rae answered, "Why do I get to have everything?" She said, "Why then doesn't Phil get to have you too?"

"Well cos Phil and I don't love each other the way you and Phil-"

"Alright and why doesn't Finn get to have Elsa too?" Chloe shrugged.

"Well probably cos she's a teacher and-"

"The point is, I'm getting everything that I want if we did that Chlo. And I don't deserve to get everything I want."

"Why not?" Chloe sked honestly.

"Cos no one gets everything they want."

"You won't be getting everything you want even if you had both of them." Chloe said astutely, "This isn't about that… this is about you think you don't deserve the love of two good lads."

"Alright." Rae admitted, "I don't understand how one of 'em loves me like they do. But I've done a lot of therapy, and I'm willing to accept that alright… maybe one person can love me that much… but two?" She shook her head. "And I feel like someone else in the world could be getting that love and I should stop hogging it."

"Ok one, you deserve to be loved, by as many people as do love you. And two, you didn't force Phil to love you. He just does love you, cos you're so fucking amazing and beautiful in every way." Rae looked up at Chloe with a grateful smile, "So you're not hogging all the love. Even if Phil hadn't loved you, there's no guarantee he'd end up in a permanent relationship with you or anyone else anyway. And besides, the world isn't actually made up of duos. Maybe your threesome will make a nice even number split for the people living in a fivesome. And maybe it won't." She shrugged, "You're not responsible for everyone else's love life."

"Thanks Chlo." Rae gave her a smile and hugged the arm she was holding harder for a moment. "Anyway tell me more about Paris."

"I can't believe it's already been over two weeks since I was there!" Chloe bemoaned, "Paris in autumn is so freakin' romantic Rae. Nothing will ever match it." She grinned, "The Eiffel tower is beautiful, but the queues are horrible!" She laughed. "Oh Rae, there's so many places in the world I wanna see." She said wistfully, "I always used to think I'd stay in Stamford forever. But I know I won't now."

_'Aeroplane' by Red Hot Chilli Peppers_

Finn grinned as Rae beat him at noughts and crosses again. They were sitting on the back seat of the bus. Phil next to Rae, was talking to Chloe, Izzy and Bryn who shared the back seat with them. Kristi and Stacia were sitting on the seat in front of them, and Kurt and Sam on the other seat. And they were having a great time chatting on the bus on the way to London. The entire class was going; it was time for the one hour play.

Rae had gotten out her diary and two pens, blue for him, black for her, and they'd played noughts and crosses, pulling out a piece of paper to do it. She decided to play one game on the front of diary and drew it up. As soon as they finished, Finn noticed a single jigsaw piece, he drew another one, interlocking with it perfectly and she grinned.

"D'you know girl…" Finn whispered to her, "I really feel like going down." He drew a downward facing arrow on her diary and she grinned again. "Every time I think about going down, I'm gonna draw an arrow on your diary."

"Won't you end up covering it?" She asked saucily.

"Probably, unless I get distracted from my dirty thoughts."

Rae found she didn't particularly want to distract him from that thought at all.

Elsa had hired two massive dormitory rooms in a youth hostel. One for boys and one for girls. They had rehearsals on the stage today and tomorrow was the competition for the one hour play. Rae was directing the play and knew almost every line in it. Izzy had declined to act and instead had done costumes, Bryn had been in charge of their props and set. Chloe was the lead female, and Phil the lead male, with Finn as the secondary male lead. For Phil and Rae it was exciting to see something they had written being performed on a stage like this. The play was based roughly on Macbeth but was set in the drug world. The entire class was here, and the general excitement levels were through the stratosphere. There were only five schools in the first round; there were five rounds. Two would be chosen from each round to progress to the next level in two weeks time; early December. And ten would progress to the final in mid to late December. Hundreds of scripts from schools all over the UK had been considered and getting to even perform the script was an honour. Izzy was busy sewing Phil into the skin tight shirt; her vision for the play had been quite sexy, while everyone else went over lines and Rae and Bryn checked out the stage together. Finn had gone up into the catwalks, having already learned a lot about the tech side of theatre from helping with the rehearsals of 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead,' so he changed the lights for them quickly and expertly; the spots were too wide and fuzzy and the green wash was too blue so he changed the gels. He really enjoyed doing tech work in the theatre, but Izzy was angrily stomping her foot for him to get down from up there and get his costume sewn on, Phil was standing beside her checking if his range of motion had been compromised by how tight his clothes were.

"Looking sexy Phil!" Finn called down from the catwalk. Everyone chuckled; the class working together as a proper cast. They all chimed in with their agreement and Izzy was blushing from the compliments over her costumes while Phil rolled his eyes and shook his head at Finn.

"Oh my!" Rae said when Chloe came out onto the stage in her gorgeous and very sexy dress. Another round of compliments went around as everyone hurried to set up the stage, backstage area and get dressed.

"Hurry it up guys!" Elsa said, "We don't get long in here!" She turned to Rae, "You want me in the biobooth or on the cans?"

"Biobooth." Rae answered, "I'll do cans." Elsa nodded and headed up to the biobooth. Rae wouldn't be on the cans at the prompt box for this run through; she had to see how they all looked on the stage. If she had orders for anyone she'd have to yell them out rather than use the backstage speakers attached to the prompt box in this theatre. The biobooth had a similar microphone too; they called it the voice of god because it could be directed into the audience too. They watched Finn being sewn into his costume and Elsa went through the lighting cues quickly, learning the light and sound board configuration in a matter of minutes.

It was a frenetic and excited energy, everyone was supportive of each other and everyone was optimistic. There was no teasing, no animosity. It was a good class this year. Even Amy was getting along with everyone pretty well, although it was a little tense around anyone from the gang, everyone had agreed to get the good vibes in drama going and they worked at making everything stay positive.

"Alright!" Rae called out and the stage was cleared with Izzy still sewing Finn in; she'd have to do it in the dark in the wings. They weren't allowed into the change rooms until tomorrow when the competition started. Elsa had been unimpressed because there didn't seem to be a real reason for it. "Lights!" Rae called out and Elsa dropped the stage and house lights. There was a short pause and then Elsa bought the stage lights back up, 50% light with a red wash background. Finn had designed the lighting and she had been impressed with his vision for it; they played off Bryn's sets perfectly.

Bryn settled into the seat next to Rae and looked at his sets.

"Stage left needs to move more central." He muttered, noting the unsymmetrical placement of the flats and Rae nodded her head.

"But they look great Bryn."

"Ta muchly." He grinned as he watched Phil and Finn enter downstage right, their lines commencing as if they were already halfway through a deep conversation. "Those two look great together on stage Bryn noted, "Perfect hero and villain!" He grinned. Rae looked at them closely, trying to stop her mind from thinking about how sexy they both were and all the naked things she'd done with both of them, and instead tried to think about direction.

"Louder this is a 1400 seat theatre." Elsa said over the loud speakers; the voice of god. "You're not miked." She reminded them. The three witches entered and Rae grinned at Chloe's makeup.

"Fuck we got a talented class." Rae whispered and Bryn nodded.

"I'll be so sad to see you guys go." He said, "I wish we could all start a business together." He sighed. Rae looked over at him and considered it.

"Maybe one day." She grinned.

"We could call it Earl Theatre Productions." Bryn whispered as they watched. Rae gave him a quizzical look, "Well who else would be at the helm? Look at how you've united this class. You're a star girl." Rae felt a rush of pride as she considered this.

"I mean it's a good bunch o' people." She tried to reason but Bryn just shrugged.

"You could have easily and rightfully alienated Amy." He reminded her and she grinned in the darkness.

"Shut up you!" She shook her head, "I'm s'pose to be directing!" She took a few notes about stage placement and characterisation. A woman from the front office of the theatre opened the door letting light in from outside. Rae and Bryn looked at her approaching them; the actors were complete professionals and continued.

"Stamford High?" She asked Rae and Rae nodded, "There's an urgent phone call for a Chloe," She looked down at the paper to remember the surname.

"What is it?" Rae stood up.

"Her father's had a heart attack."

"Oh shit." She heard Bryn say behind her.

"Stop!" Rae called down to the audience and instantly headed down to the backstage area, the admin woman following her. She found Chloe out and pulled her aside.

"What is it babe?" Chloe asked, obviously confused.

"Chlo…" Rae swallowed hard trying to think of the best way to say it.

"Your father's had a heart attack dear; your mother is sending Rhys, I think that's who she said, to pick you up."

"What?" Chloe asked bewildered. "What?" She started to sound panicked, "Is he alright?"

"She said he was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital."

"Oh god." Chloe pushed past them and looked around, trying to figure out what she had to do next. "I have to… I have to go…"

Elsa appeared and Rae quickly filled her in.

"Right well…" Elsa took charge, "Izzy you'll need to adjust the costume to fit Rae, she knows the lines." She said immutably, "Chloe dear, you come with me." She put an arm over Chloe's shoulders and looked at the admin woman. "Give me the keys to the change rooms." She said in an almost menacing tone.

"Of course." She stuttered and handed a key ring to Elsa, pointing out which key it was.

"Rae's in charge. Finish your rehearsal. Because we have learned in theatre that the show must go on. And then go back to your room and run the lines again and again until Rae is up to speed."

"Break a leg guys." Chloe managed to say, her hand going out to Re who took it momentarily before Elsa led Chloe to the backstage area.

"Alright guys, you heard Elsa." Rae said, her heart thumping. "We've gotta practice, we've got a show to put on for a competition tomorrow. And even though we're all worried for Chloe, this is what being a professional in this industry means. The show must go on. The show must always go on. And we must always give our best." She had tears in her eyes, worrying for Chloe, but she turned to Bryn. "Do you know how to run a biobooth?"

"Vaguely." He answered, "Give me fifteen minutes and I'll have it." Izzy returned with Chloe's dress and held it up to Rae.

"You've got ten Bryn." Rae answered and he nodded and turned, walking at a fast pace up to the biobooth; you didn't run in the theatre. "Is this a possibility?" Rae asked as she looked at the dress Chloe had been wearing.

"I've got enough spare material; it's just knowing where to put the panels in." Rae nodded and turned back to the rest of the cast who all looked shell shocked. "Ten minutes to re-set guys." She told them, "Phil, Finn, stay, give me a script, we run lines for this ten minutes." Everyone went in various directions; Izzy took measurements of Rae again and compared them to the dress, muttering under her breath. Rae waited until Izzy had gone into the green room to pick apart the dress and resew it; there was a sewing machine back there, fortunately. Rae turned to Phil and Finn. There was no one else near them. She held the script in her hand and looked down at it.

"There's a couple o' fairly passionate kisses in this." She said, "There's a bunch on innuendo about the kisses displaying what kind o' sex they're having… so we would have to change chunks o' the script to take them out." Rae looked up at Finn, "Professional actors-"

"I know." He cut her off. "I got it, it's ok." Rae turned her eyes to Phil.

"Are you ok with it being me… after…"

"Well I didn't think I'd ever be doing that ag-" He stopped and his eyes shot to Finn. Finn nodded slowly.

"It's alright, I figured you'd at least kissed… probably fucked…" Neither Phil nor Rae had the slightest inclination to tell Finn if they had fucked or not, "I still don't need to know the details about it… but you don't need to dance around it." He looked at Rae and then Phil. "I'm actually fine."

"But seeing it…" Phil said, "That's different."

"Aye." Finn nodded, "But this is acting. We're all actors… and we gotta do what we gotta do." He nodded to the script, "The show must go on girl. Let's line run." Rae turned her eyes back to Phil and he took a deep breath, obviously conflicted; this was going to be hard for him. He would have to kiss her 5 times in this script, one of them had to be particularly sexual because it was just before they were going to have sex, although the stage lights would drop as they took each other's clothes off, it would still be very intense.

"The show must go on." He agreed slowly and Rae nodded, jumping forward to the first lines she had.

Ten minutes later they were starting their rehearsal again. Rae waiting backstage, on the cans with Bryn and getting his input on the staging from where he was. Elsa was waiting with Chloe for Rhys to make the long drive to London to get her. Rae realised that she had to get out front to see what was happening and decided she'd just have to have no practice with her entrances and backstage movement. She scooted back out into the audience and watched the action, looking for the actors hitting their marks, not showing too much of their sides of backs to the audience, volume, emotion. She noticed that the scene between Finn and Phil was more electric now, and understood that it was because of the kiss scenes to come. It was making them both anxious, but they were both channelling it well.

When her first scene came she scooted onto the stage from the audience and went straight into it, working through the choreography of Duncan's character slapping her a few times with Phil and Finn watching from the audience to see if it looked real; if the timing and movement was realistic.

"Finn stay in the audience and see if the next scene looks good." She called in the blackout. Izzy came to put the dress up against her, "You too Iz, go out into the audience and check this scene? You've got a good directorial eye." Izzy nodded and jumped off the stage to go and sit with Finn.

In this scene Rae's character was urging Phil's to kill Duncan; the head drug lord for all the abuse he did to her. This scene ended with them undressing each other, but Rae didn't have her dress yet, they wouldn't be able to rehearse that until tonight in their rooms.

Rae stood stage left in the blackout, waiting for lights up and being surprised at how well she knew the lines. She tried to ignore the huge knot of anxiety in her stomach. Finn was going to see her and Phil kissing. And yes it was acting, and yes they were being professional, and yes the show must go on, and yes Finn said he was fine… But he was going to see it. He was going to see how much she really did want Phil, because in order for this scene to be as good as it could be it needed that sexual spark, that fire… that fire that was far too easy for her to have with Phillip.

The scene started and was immediately intense. Phil was obviously feeling the tension and the desire to be able to kiss her again and this was pushing against his complete professionalism. The tension in his frame was downright erotic.

She dropped a line, but he picked it up with ease and fed her the next line as if she hadn't made a mistake; they worked so well together they could easily see how to help each other on stage. They snaked around each other, the distance between each other slowly closing as they spoke; Rae imploring Phil to kill Sam's character; Duncan. Phil telling her of the witches, who they had written as snitches and spies; the witches had told him that everyone wanted him to be the king of the drug world, that he has support and he could get away with it. They came together centre stage, his upstage hand going to her head his downstage hand to her neck to not block her face from the audience; it was all marked out, they knew what to do.

"Once he's dead my love, there will be no more sneaking around…"

"You'll be my queen." And his lips were on hers. Rae felt an instant upsurge of emotion and her hands went to his waist pulling him to her. It was bad to be so close on stage; it blocked the sightlines, but she wasn't thinking. His kiss was deep and passionate, his pelvis instantly tilting into hers as she pulled him closer. His arms embraced her; this was not the blocking they had planned for this kiss. Phillip forgot where he was, he had her taste in his mouth again; something he had been sure he'd never experience again. His tongue was deep in her mouth, his kiss was devouring her, and she was returning the ferocity. They were breathless, small sounds of desire coming from them, kissing so deeply that the rest of the world disappeared.

"Holy moly…" Izzy whispered beside Finn.

Finn had felt a knot of trepidation as the lights had come up and Phil had entered, that predatory look in his eyes. Finn found that he didn't like people looking at Rae like she was prey. He had seen that Phil was acting; the desire was too objectifying; that was how he and Rae had written the part. Phil didn't objectify Rae. He could see that Rae was acting too; the character was shrewd and manipulative. That wasn't Rae. He had mentally prepared himself to be unimpressed by the kiss. But the fact that they had so obviously been acting before the kiss made Finn think it would be easier.

And then the kiss happened.

The initial touch of the lips had been in character, but it had taken only seconds for the characters to fall away from them and for them to be kissing each other genuinely.

Finn had waited for the flare of jealousy. Pain. Anger.

And was deeply surprised that not only did they not come, but a different feeling all together came.

He was intrigued.

It was interesting to see how her body moved when she was in pleasure, when she was filled with desire. He recognised the sway in her hips, he had felt that against himself, but seeing it was a completely different thing. He found it oddly interesting to see what pleasure looked like on her when he wasn't so deeply concentrating on giving it to her.

"Wow…" Izzy marvelled, "I wish someone would kiss me like that." She had completely forgotten Finn beside her; the kiss was so raw, intimate and pornographic that the entire class was completely hooked on watching.

Finn knew he had kissed Rae like that, and he knew what came after kissing Rae like that. It was a kiss they only did in private because it inevitably led to sex.

He watched the way her body moved, and then his. Phil moved in a similar way to Finn did, but not the same. Finn cocked his head to the side and noticed that Phil's hand had dropped to Rae's lower back and a shiver of delight had gone through her body. His eyebrows raised and he wondered if he should try that with her or if it would be weird. Was that something she had with Phil, not him?

And seemingly simultaneously they both remembered where they were. Neither stopped kissing; that would be losing character too obviously, but they dialled it back, and began to undress as they should according to the script and the marked blocking. Bryn brought the lights down on them far slower than was necessary.

They stopped kissing in the blackout, their foreheads touching. He stroked her face and she put a hand to his chest. There was so much they both wanted to say. But there was no time, and what could they really say anyway? He kissed her lips again, softly, achingly. Neither of them said a word, they simply turned and went to either side of the stage to prepare for their next scenes.

Izzy turned her eyes to Finn, but he had leaned back in the chair, his feet up on the chair in front of him.

"You got too close, not so easy to see!" He called back to them and a slight chuckle went up from the class.

"You think?" Stacia, a first year girl with a cheeky attitude and a fiery intellect called back. Again the chuckle.

"The intensity was perfect!" Izzy called to them and the whole class erupted in laughter.

"Holy fuck!" Sam said. "I've seen pornos that were more kid friendly than that!"

"It's fucking perfect for the show!" Kristi said, "So believable!"

"Yeah guys!" Kurt backed his sister and tried to push back against the rumours he could already feel starting, "Good acting guys!"

"There's a reason they won the drama duologue award!" Kristi looked over at Rae and gave her a sympathetic smile. Rae had managed to get her breath back and she cleared her throat.

"BACK TO IT!" She ordered in a firm voice and everyone scuttled to do the next scene. Rae made her way out to the audience to watch; this scene had neither her nor Phil in it and she needed to see how the blocking was holding up because there were a lot of people in this scene and a couple of the first year lads had a habit of standing in front of the others. She took a deep breath and approached Izzy; Finn had already gone backstage because he was in this scene.

"Hey." She whispered and went to sit down, but Izzy gave her the dress to try on. "Already?"

"I'm fucking good at this stuff Rae Rae." Izzy grinned.

"Can't argue with that." She took her shirt off in the blacked audience section; her black singlet clinging to her body. She slipped the dress on. "Blimey Iz, this is tight…"

"It's meant to be." She mumbled and started making corrections, eventually sewing Rae into the dress and then putting a corset on over the top of the dress.

"I can hardly breathe!" Rae complained.

"Welcome to the wonderful world of corsetry." Izzy looked at the ribbons on the back of the corset; the corset was too small for Rae and she considered how hard it'd be to put a panel in the front of it. "Alright." She took the corset off and Rae sat down carefully as Izzy hurried back stage.

The rest of the rehearsal went well. Every kiss was torture, and every one of them broke character and ended up being Rae and Phil kissing instead of their characters kissing. Izzy had gotten the corset on her before the end of the rehearsal so that Rae had an idea of how hot and breathless it was going to be under the lights.

Elsa had returned, looking upset, near the end of the rehearsal; she was worrying for Chloe.

"Right kiddies, I've gotten the organisers to accept a late change of casting." The rules in the competition were quite strict, "But if we make it through to the next round, Rae'll have to stay in the lead female role…"

"But it's Chloe's part." Rae was dismayed for Chloe; she had so enjoyed this role.

"I know." Elsa answered unhappily.

"How is she?" Rae asked.

"She was a lot better when Rhys got here." Elsa noted, simply refusing to divulge the heartbreaking conversation she'd had with Chloe, in which she blamed herself for her father's heart attack. She looked at her watch and sighed. "Right, early dinner followed by rehearsal in your dorm rooms, let's go." The next school was waiting outside when they left.

They rehearsed for two hours, Elsa scrutinising everything closely but not making them do the kisses when they weren't on a stage. She told them to just remember their sightlines when they did it.

"Do you think you need to practice them?" She asked looking down at the schedule for tomorrow.

"Well I'm not used to kissing with sightlines in mind." Rae answered. Phil shrugged.

"I've done it stacks of time." He was involved in several out of school plays.

"Well we get a 15 minute lighting run tomorrow before we go on. You two can run all the kisses then. I'll trust you Phil to teach Rae about the sightlines in stage kissing, I'm gonna have to be focussing on the biobooth and the cans somehow."

"Bryn can do the biobooth and Izzy can do the cans." Rae answered and Elsa gave her an impressed smile.

"Good at delegating. You're meant for this industry." She told Rae. "Great, but might I suggest that Bryn and Izzy both take prompt box duties, just in case you need a runner." Bryn and Izzy nodded, "And I'll manage the biobooth."

She ordered them to their opposite dormitories after giving them the speech about not being jerks, not doing anything that would require adult supervision, use condoms if you're going to do it anyway, and let her get her sleep. They had one side of the hostel to themselves. Elsa was on the other side of the bathrooms in a single room.

She had left after they were in their own rooms, the boys all choosing their beds. Phil keeping his eyes down, not sure if he wanted to speak to Finn just yet. Those kisses had gotten way out of hand, and he knew it wouldn't be any better tomorrow when he had to do them for the competition. He was incapable of being professional when it came to kissing her. He could manage to be just a friend if he didn't touch her too much; he could handle brief hugs. He could be cool and calm if he didn't taste her; the minute he had felt her lips on his he had lost himself to her. Again.

Kissing her again had been amazing. Now she had an ache too and that added to the depth of their kisses. And they both knew what they were missing. And they were missing each other; that could not be denied.

"Hey Finn what were it like seeing your girl getting kissed by Phil?" Sam asked with a teasing tone. Phil looked up at Sam, but all other eyes were on Finn.

"Educational." Finn answered and looked out the door towards the way Elsa had left. "Time to go." He said and the boys all followed him through to the girl's dormitory.

The boys were all trying to figure out what Finn had meant by educational when they were filing into the girls room, but Finn was ignoring them and seeking Phil out.

"Come on pal, we gotta line run with Rae, make sure she's ready." Phil gave him a confused look and Finn shrugged, "Guess there really is no jealousy left in me." He explained and nodded for Phil to follow him deeper into the dorm. They found Rae where they both knew she would be; on the last bed furthest from the door.

"Hey beautiful girl." Finn kissed her and sat down beside her. She gave him a small smile; they hadn't had any chance to talk at all since the kisses. Phil sat on the floor, leaning against the wall and looked up at them sitting on the bed. "Time to run the lines, yeah?" He gave her a reassuring grin, knowing that she was worried about the kisses.

"Are you alright?" She asked, clearly upset.

"Aye." He answered.

"What did you mean by educational?" Phil asked, keeping a wary eye on all the other students as they pulled the mattresses of the beds and set up a giant bed on the floor.

"You touched her lower back." Finn said and Phil grinned slightly.

"Yeah she's got a sensitive spot there." He answered slightly less defensively. Rae's eyes went from Finn to Phil, completely astounded that they were having this conversation. About her. While she was sitting there!

"I noticed!" Finn said, clearly delighted by the discovery. "I've never-"

"Excuse me, what the fuck is happening here?" Rae interrupted him.

"This is how mates talk Rae." Finn answered, "We pass on techniques to each other and-"

"I don't care what mates do!" She answered, "This is weird." She told him and then looked at Phil, "is this not weird?"

"As weird as our situation is." Phil answered, "Which is a fairly common situation… it's very rarely dealt with as… politely as we are…" He shook his head. "Polite isn't really the right word." He said almost apologetically.

"I like to think we're all relaxed." Finn answered.

"I'm not sure that I am." Rae answered, "You do understand what happened?" She asked him.

"You corpsed on stage." Finn answered. Corpsing meant to break character, "Which is very bad for two such good actors." He added. "I know what happened." He held Rae's eye for a long time, Phil watching on silently, wondering if the hammer was going to fall, or if everything was as relaxed as Finn said it was.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, "When I said my mind was made up, I intended for that to never happen again…" Finn tongued the back of his teeth and looked to Phil, who was now looking at his hands, obviously trying to get his emotions under control.

"Yeah but you were kinda forced into it there." He shrugged.

"No but… you don't understand how close I've come at other times." She confessed. Finn looked at her and then Phil thoughtfully. He spent a moment to really push into his feelings and figure out what was going on inside of him.

"Ok." He said slowly, "For me Rae… I need to know beforehand if you're going to do something." He said, "Cos otherwise it's cheating. We've agreed to be just us two, right?" He said and she nodded, "And I've said, unless you need to have someone else. But I need for there to be prior notice. I need us to talk about each person individually." He said.

"There's not gonna be other persons!" Rae hissed, trying to keep her voice down, aware of the crowd around them. But in the pit of her stomach she was terrified she was going to want any fit lad that wanted her; a lifetime of feeling ugly was such a needy companion. And even as her confidence blossomed, she fretted that it wasn't enough to stop her from wanting other fit lads if they offered themselves to her.

"Alright." Finn said, "I'm aware it's Phil cos you love him, and not other persons." He said, "But see, I have prior knowledge of Phil." Finn said carefully, "so I guess I'm quite relaxed with him. And I understand you're gonna struggle. But I know you won't go too far without talking to me first." He said, "Cos we're good at this communication stuff now, and you know I'm here for you." He looked at Phil and then Rae, "And that goes for both of you." He added, "We all know this is a thing. We don't have to pretend it's not, we don't have to tell each other everything… but we do have to communicate clearly if all gonna get through this alright. Alright?" Phil nodded thoughtfully but Rae had her eyes lowered.

"I should just be with you." She said, clearly angry at herself. She got up, "Bathroom break." She told Finn and left. But both Finn and Phil knew her leaving had nothing to do with needing the toilet.

"So we come back to the question of whether it'd be easier if I just left." Phil said, his eyes watching Rae until she left the room.

"Oh fuck, it's like two steps forward and ten bleeding steps back with you two." Finn muttered and plopped down onto the floor next to Phil when the others came for the mattress.

"So what's the end game then?" Phil asked, "If you're talking towards our progress… our progress towards what?"

"I dunno." Finn shrugged, "Just all three of us being happy is what I'm aiming for." He leaned his head in his hand. "I don't think that's too much to ask, is it?"

They had run lines while everyone else chatted, the three of them, carving out their own spot at the very end of the mattresses. Izzy was still hand sewing Rae's costume and laughing with the twins, Bryn, Sam and Stacia. They all heard moments of speculation, people looking over at the three of them and wondering what their relationship was.

Curtain call was at 10am tomorrow, Monday the 17th of November, and Elsa was getting them all at 9am for breakfast. So they weren't too worried about being too late, nonetheless, midnight saw these dedicated young actors starting to shush each other and settle down to sleep, all snuggled up together, Finn next to Izzy and Rae, Rae, as always next to Finn and Phil. And Phil, well he once again tried to position himself nearly off the mattress, but ended up spooning her, waking up to find his hand on her hip and Finn's on her waist, their hands touching, Finn's pinky finger over his. He lifted his head and looked at them; she faced Finn, her hand draped over his waist, breathing deeply, Finn was sleeping soundly, a small smile on his face.

Phil thought about leaving, not just to go to the other room, but leaving Stamford, he thought about Finn wanting them all to be happy, he thought about how good it was to be close to her again, and understood he'd probably have very few chances to experience this again. He thought about a million different things.

He snuggled in closer to her and went back to sleep.

He slept sounder than he had in weeks.

When Finn woke up just before 8am he was spooning Rae, his arm draped over her waist, but his fingers had closed around Phil's shirt. Rae was spooning Phil, her arm wrapped tightly around him. He gently stroked Rae's hair to wake her up and as soon as she stirred Phil did. Izzy grumbled behind him and he shushed her gently.

"Wanna grab a shower before everyone wakes up?" He asked them. Izzy yawned and looked over the class of 30 and nodded her head.

"How many showers are there?" She whispered back.

"Eight." He answered. She carefully woke Bryn, Kristi and Stacia, which woke up Kurt. The nine of them headed out to the showers as quietly as they could.

"So how are we gonna do this?" Izzy yawned again as they got into the unisex share bathroom. Stacia turned to Kurt, putting her hand on his belt she pulled him into the furthest shower and closed the door without a word.

"Well that answers that." Rae shook her head.

"I better not hear any fucking groans from you!" Kristi said, horrified at the thought of being so close to her brother while he was getting action. "Ew." She went to the shower furthest from her brother and Izzy went to the one next to her. Bryn of course went in next to Izzy. Leaving Rae, Phil and Finn to look at each other for a moment, Phil choosing to take one for the team and go into the cubicle next to Stacia and Kurt. Rae went into the next one and Finn considered following her, but decided to just have a shower to himself to really examine what had happened over the past 24 hours.

"I CAN HEAR YOU KISSING!" Kristi called out with a tone of utter revulsion.

"Stop being a fucking cock block!" Kurt called back. Kristi made retching noises while the rest of them laughed. The truth was, he and Stacia had been flirting with the idea of getting together for a while, but she was worried about being in drama with him; drama breeds drama she said. Seemed like she'd changed her mind; quite spectacularly.

"Fucking hell guys!" Phil said when there was a bang against the wall between Stacia and Kurt and him. Everyone broke out into laughter again. The conversation was hilarious, ridiculous and dirty, with Bryn suggesting they should all just get into the end shower and go at it making Kristi loudly protest and Kurt groan in disgust. And after Phil ribbed him for the noises he was making, Kurt told Phil to go and fuck Rae and Finn simultaneously in response drawing loud laughter from everyone, including Phil and Finn, but not Rae. It was when Bryn and Izzy started to do a running commentary on what was happening in the last cubicle based on the noises that Kurt told them all to fuck off in a grumpy tone.

"Hard circumstances to perform under." Bryn had laughed.

"Yes and hard is the poignant word here." Izzy replied.

"Don't wear yourself out Kurt, you do some huge stage fights!" Rae said firmly and Kurt groaned, clearly frustrated.

"Yeah Kurt, you gotta save all that energy for-" Bryn started but Kurt cut him off.

"Seriously guys, fuck you all." He answered. They could hear Stacia's laughter and knew she had no intention of letting him get anywhere near having sex with her while everyone was there commenting on it.

In the end, no one got to have sex on that overnight drama camp. But plenty of people tried.

_'Do You Love Me Part 2' by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds_

_What drives a man?_

_What moves him forward? And upwards?_

_Love for his woman._

_What makes a man a man?_

_Is it his woman?_

_Is it his actions?_

_His purpose?_

_And what is a man if he isn't with his woman?_

_Is he a husk? A shell?_

_I am no husk. But there is a hole in me._

_My guts are ripped out and my intestines are emptied out onto the ground. _

_The darkness envelopes me._

_And I find myself sitting for hours, staring at the wall, thinking only of her, the smell of my cousin cloying up my nose. _

_I feel as though I am a hibernating animal. Waiting for the moment to awaken. The moment when I can take her and make her mine forever. _

_The moment I will make her my bride. _

_She will tell me that she will have and hold me._

_From this day forth…_

_For better for worse._

_For richer for poorer._

_In sickness and in health._

_To love_

_Cherish_

_And obey._

_Until death us do part…_

_You will be mine. _

_And you will love, cherish and obey me._

_Until the day you die._

_Until we are parted by your death._

_The natural order of things. This is how it should be. You are mine. _

_You are mine._

_You are mine._

_Mine._

_But how do I wait? _

_I have made plans._

_Things are in motion now, I suppose, and I just have to wait until everything is ready before I can take you into my possession. _

_My poor girl._

_Missing me._

_Soon girl._

_Soon._

_And I'll bring you home dead puppies to play with._

_And pure white dresses to wear._

_And we'll have dozens of babies to bury in the back yard because neither of us will wanna use rubbers, but neither of us want a screaming kid to take the attention away from us being together._

_You'll drown them in the sink after you've birthed them._

_Or I can beat them out of your belly if you want. _

_I think of how I've evolved and changed. What a stupid little boy I was before. What a perfect specimen of manhood I am now._

_I see my old friends and they are weak. They let their women walk away from them._

_You'll never be able to walk away from me. _

_I'll chain you._

_I'll cut your feet off._

_I'll kill you._

_Just try to leave me. Watch what happens._

_This is what I told my friend. _

_I hope Ian can grow into a man soon. _

_All girls really need are men to guide them._

_Teach them._

_Show them._

_Put them in their place._

_And keep them there._

They had been the first play of the day, and they had done an amazing job, the kisses between Rae and Phil garnering gasps from the audience. The end bringing on a standing ovation. And once they were done they had all sat up the back of the audience as expected and watched the next play, but when lunch was done and they were expected to go back in, the nine of them snuck off instead, to explore this part of London. They were at the Palace Theatre in Soho, so now it was time to wonder these streets, looking for entertainment.

"There's a lot of gay stuff about isn't there?" Sam said noting how many shops had pride stickers.

"I heard Soho was the home of punk." Izzy said.

"Hookers and punk." Stacia agreed.

"Fair to say it's um… multicultural!" Bryn grinned as he saw several other brown skinned people in the crowds milling around them. "I like it here!" He declared.

"Right well, we can't get lost!" Finn said.

"We gotta get back to the theatre before the last play finishes." Phillip looked at is watch.

"It's like we got two dads!" Kurt laughed and saw Rae's unimpressed face. "But our mum's the real boss!" He grinned cheekily and Rae shook her head at him. They began to explore a less main road, with lots of alleys leading to the backs of building off it, and interesting s

shops and cafes.

"I wonder if Chloe's alright." Izzy said softly to Rae as the gang all walked and chatted happily.

"I'm sure she's alright." Rae soothed, "She's got Rhys." They passed numerous blind alleyways; you couldn't see them coming until they were upon you.

"Even he can't fix a heart attack." Izzy frowned. "At least he'll be there for Chlo."

"I can't wait to get back to her." Rae agreed with Izzy's fretting.

Another alley way opened up blindly, and a man in a hurry shot out of it, knocking Sam to the floor. Everyone was still in the process of responding when Rae looked up at the guy who had slammed into Sam.

Her sharp, terrified, gasping intake of air made Finn stop helping Sam up and instead look where Rae was looking.

The man that had knocked Sam flat on his arse was looking at Rae. A look of predatory hunger in his eyes. Phil looked up and instantly knew who it was.

"Saul?" He asked already knowing what was going to happen.

"Rae…" Saul croaked out, his hand moving towards her.

And Rae screamed, jumping back, away from him. He looked around, seeing Finn, and bolted back up the alley way. Finn turned to Phil.

"With your life." He said firmly and Phil nodded, wrapping his arms around Rae.

Finn bolted after Saul.

"NO!" Rae screamed, lunging to go after him, but Phil held her back. "FINN!" She struggled but Phil held her calmly telling her she couldn't go. "LET GO!" She screamed at him. "FINN!"

_'Street Spirit (Fade Out)' by Radiohead_

Monday morning saw Tom yawning and thinking happily about the five star resort they were staying in.

Exactly a week ago, on the 10th of Novemeber, he had turned 26 and Archie had organised a day of following Ramses the second through Luxor; Ramses was Tom's favourite pharaoh, and they had spent the day wondering around ancient Thebes, now Luxor, learning about Ramses the second. Tom liked that crafty fucker; he even chuckled when he heard that he stole temples from other pharaohs and just carved his name over the top of their names. So pharaohs following Ramses the second cut their names into the temples so deep Tom could put his whole hand in the hieroglyph carvings. The Ramesseum hadn't stood the test of time as well as his other major monument to himself; Abu Simbel, but Tom had been in heaven clambering around the ruins nonetheless. And after that they came home to the hotel to in-room massages and a sumptuous five course meal. They were staying in the most expensive room in the hotel; it had two bedrooms, each with a king sized bed, a massive spa bath, which they had spent a lot of time in together, a huge walk in shower with complete surround water – there was water spurting up from the floor too! There was a lounge room with a huge tv and a dining room. It was an expensive room. But Tom had been so happy to see the luxury after spending the last week shitting in a hole in the dessert, sometimes having to walk for 10 minutes to get far enough away from the Nile to dig your own hole. This hotel had a separate bidet, walk in robes, dual bathroom sinks, its own steam room. He was happy. Tom was quite happy to rough it from time to time, but he was a luxury boy at heart. Even Archie had to admit that it was nice to have a bed again.

Spending so long in Luxor had been an excellent idea; there was so much to see it was mind boggling. Karnak had literally made Tom and Archie have to stop, their mouths open in awe at the huge pillars in the Great Hypostyle Hall. They were so huge it was hard to take them in. Luxor temple, Luxor museum, the Valley of the Kings, the Valley of the Queens… ancient Thebes. Tom was in love with Egypt, but Aswan and Luxor were his favourites; he could have happily spent months here. Especially with this room to come home to every night.

"You know I'm closer to 30 than 20." He groaned and Archie smacked his arse and wrapped his arms around his waist.

"Well I'm closer to 20 than 10." Archie teased.

"That doesn't help!" Tom laughed, "Fucking hell." He shook his head and looked closer at the mirror, inspecting for wrinkles.

"Ugh you're so ancient." Archie teased.

"Ugh I know." Tom grinned. He had never imagined he would joke about aging. It used to be something that worried him. Not so much anymore.

"No wonder you fit so well in Egypt." Tom grabbed Archie and pulled him to him playfully, roughly.

"We got time to fuck before we go wherever you've got planned?"

"Nope. We're already running a bit late. But I insist on a fuck at lunch time, right?"

"That's a date I can keep." He sat down on the bed and started to apply his sunscreen lotion. "So where are we off to this fine morning?"

"The Mortuary Temple of Hatshepsut." Archie grinned, "It's considered one of the most beautiful temples in Egypt. And Hatshepsut was a women; which is totally awesome, cos there weren't a lot of female pharaohs." Archie continued his monologue about all the awesome things Hatshepsut had done as they grabbed a quick breakfast and headed out to the car; Mohammed was driving again. He looked at his watch and gave them a look.

"I know!" Tom said with a cheeky shake of his head. They jumped into the backseat, Tom giving Archie a secret lusty look and Archie bit his bottom lip.

They were walking the long, sloping, stone gangway up to the temple of Hatshepsut as Tom's watch hit 8am. Tom and Archie had discovered that they both liked to take a moment to take in the feel of the place, to just look around, to talk to each other about what they had seen, before they started to snap photos.

Archie took his time to really appreciate the delicately carved hieroglyphs and depictions of Hatshepsut's life.

"This whole temple is… it's more than a work of art." He muttered and Tom nodded his head in awe. Mohammed was deciphering the pictures with them, when he stopped midsentence, his eyes on the entrance to the area they were in. Tom looked over at where he was looking and saw a security guard looking around at everyone. The guard turned and left hurriedly, and Tom turned back to the carvings. Mohammed did not start explaining again but instead slowly scanned the crowd.

"I can't get over how fine the work is." He said in awe, "I don't think you can comprehend how impressive the work of the Ancient Egyptians was until you see it in person."

"Oh I know." Archie's voice also showed his awe. Archie decided it was time to start taking photos. "Oh shit!" He laughed, "I left my camera in the car!" He shook his head, "I'll just run back and get it." He winked at Tom, indicating that he'd go alone and started to head off.

But Mohammed grabbed his hand and stopped him, his eyes still scanning the crowd.

"I think we should all go with you." He said calmly and pulled Tom with him as he started to slowly, almost casually walk towards the exit. "Laugh and joke." He told them.

"What's going on?" Archie whispered.

"Just act normal!" Mohammed hissed.

It wasn't until they were on the long road to the car park that Mohammed answered them.

"I think I recognised that guard." Mohammed said, "From my time in al-Gama'a al-Islamiyya." He clarified. "I think he was casing the place; seeing how many guards there are, how many tourists." Tom looked around and noticed a worrying lack of guards.

"But he was dressed as a guard." Archie countered.

"Yeah." Mohammed nodded, "We trained for something like this. "A group of six infiltrate the crowd dressed as guards, two take the door to stop anyone getting in or out, four kill all the tourists."

"Oh my god." Tom whispered, "We have warn everyone."

"We warn everyone they open fire now, a lot more people die, including us." Mohammed answered, "And it's very, very possible I'm wrong." He added, "We're far better off getting in the car and driving out to the guard stations to warn them, and they can do what they're trained to do; protect our tourists." He answered and Tom nodded. "We are just civilians. We cannot play hero. We do that, we die."

"Of course." Tom agreed.

"We have to hurry." Archie said, "The sooner we tell the guards, the less likely it is that people will die."

"Keep walking at a normal pace, so we don't draw attention to ourselves." Mohammed countered, the crowds were swelling with people coming and going to the temple in large numbers. Tom and Archie looked at the faces of the people heading into the temple; their hearts pounding, their fear escalating.

A Japanese couple, clearly in love.

A group of friends speaking Swedish.

A British family with a five year old son.

They were getting to the car, they were going to the guards.

They were close to the car park when all three of them saw the group of six men in the distinctive security guard uniform heading towards the ticket booth.

"Up here!" Mohammed pulled them off the main road and onto a path that was hidden from the view of the men. It was cordoned off, but they jumped the fence and headed up the steep path.

"We cannot go to the car. We will need to go through the Theban hills, up behind the temple and down into the Valley of the Kings, to get help."

"Why aren't there more guards?" Archie asked desperately.

"Who knows?" Mohammed asked, deeply worried that they'd be followed and urging them to move faster. They heard a muffled cry of pain from the vicinity of the ticket booth and started to hurry upwards, all three of them sure of what was happening now. As they got higher, their position on the side of the hill beside the temple was clearly visible from the road, and Mohammed urged them to bend double to be less conspicuous.

Mohammed stopped, his eyes narrowed, he looked over the scenery, taking in the car park, the road to the temple, the temple itself. He was looking for any sign of where the men were.

He couldn't see them and motioned for Archie and Tom to get moving again.

"LA!" The Arabic word for stop.

All three of them stopped in their tracks. Orders where barked at them in Arabic. Tom and Archie put their hands up and turned to see a man dressed as a security guard, pointing his AK47 at them.

He was yelling at them in Arabic and Tom slowly, subtly, put himself between Archie and the man.

"It's alright." He tried to say soothingly, but the man continued to yell at them. "We surrender…" Tom tried, but the man noticed him moving and trained the gun directly at his face.

Archie now noticed how Tom had positioned himself, and with sickening clarity he saw the man's finger, previously hovering over the trigger, connect with it.

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Endless thank yous to teastaindiary for the Gaelic translations you are seriously amazing!

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Massive thumbs up to gushington-central for being an awesome sounding board for the 'Gold Dust Woman' scene – that one really fought me a d she really helped.

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Big what up to this loser, who helped me with ideas for how a date can go wrong.

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Props to my ladies: chicadificil gushington-central gushington-central facephase for the fabulous conversations that led to Kester's backstory being born

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"Are's air are are are are are are are where. Are there any hair where are are are are air " this is what happened when I fell asleep with my Dragon microphone on… this is how in interpreted my sleeping noises… that or I was having a horrifying dream.

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The stuff about Egypt is based on my time in Egypt in 2004, not the right time, but close enough. This episode ends on Tom and Archie in Luxor, at the temple of Hatshepsut on November the 17th 1997

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**Next episode up ASAP. Will put up episode tracker playlist for you again. Cheers!**


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